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Me and my dog and a tender pair of 'goolies'

My in-laws have recently gone back to Cheshire from a sodding ‘life time’ short stay (2 weeks) in our semi-detached tent in the garden here in wonderful Cornwall. At night times they that is my in-laws relax after doing almost sod-all all day knackered and I do mean sod-all and I do mean all day and I do mean knackered FFS! I mean, they take over the sitting room to relax after a 3 course meal, they either watch some boring old crap on the telly or they go through the ‘all of our yesterdays’ of their family history where the same old story is repeated time and again night after night FFS. And he the father in law always roars with laughter at the same point of the story every time and I and listening to all of this and I just wanna be somewhere else dear of them. What family fun to chatter and natter about the good old days (last Thursday week) and how absolutely lovely it all is but it’s like sitting in god’s waiting room with me as the oldest victim FFS!
Nothing is more likely to drive me to sleep than to sit in front of a television and listening to the same old stories time and again and it get even worse when they start arguing about the ‘No Julia it were on a Thursday’ “No it weren’t I remember all times and dates and locations long gone but I don’t remember what I did yesterday FFS” says Julia the Professor’s wife dear of em both! Truth to tell who GsAF anyway, not eye! I love them dearly but I decide to make a dash for the exit and move quickly so that the others can see that I haven’t ‘passed on’ so to speak! By the time my wife’s cooking has been digested they will all start a fartingly good old trumpet voluntary into the armchairs and settee (it’s the wife’s cooking FFS) I make my excuse to go to my shed-office with urgent work to do with the rolling up of a ‘spliff or two’ to bring me back to normal and the consciousness and the realities of my real life of being a completely happy loner with my Secretary Zelda my music my pc my bitch dog my rum & my coke and my occasional smoke so start writing, now what’s wrong with that FFS? Happiness is;

Father in law is a Professorial Lecturer ok decent old Geordie blokie really he was a Lecturer at Newcastle University for many years man playing a major role in the discovery of today’s babies incubators including the first ever monitor/ recorders of the babies progress. Clever man! Truth to tell I was a guest at one of his lectures and had the best sleep for weeks and so did 23 of his students FFS what a BOF he is FFS!! I wouldn’t say he is tight fisted but he has an impediment in his reach with long arms and short stitched up pockets, stitched up by his missus in more ways than one FFS. Dear of her but I think she could have done so much better for herself!
Three words come to mind when I think of my wife and her dad and what they have in common is ‘tight duck’s and bums’ (Tight as ducks arses) My dear father in law is too studious most of the time so he does not share much of a sense of humour (especially a warped one like mine) so I am always planning a wind up just to liven the party up so to speak. Anyways up, during one of their after dinner evening séances he sits there nursing my dog Nana Moon whilst playing and cheating on his sodding Sudoku FFS! She (the bitch dog) is not allowed on the furniture so father in law bends all the effing house rules which is something I never do. She is a dog and not a cuddly Chi Wawa even though she is totally-totally devoted to me of which on Thursday my dear father in law was to find out to his cost.
As I was about to leave the room my dear multi-tasker father in law was once again nursing the bitch Nana Moon whilst pontificating on today’s news whilst monopolising the remote for the TV whilst playing bloody Sudoku on his laptop and he had the nerve to make some crude sarcastic comment about ‘Nana Moon not wanting to go with me to my office’ much preferring to stay with him cuddled up on his lap under his lap-top so he can’t see her anyway FFS the cheeky sod that he is!
Now then, I know father in law has had a few of the old prostrate problems over the years and I also know he is a bit tender in that special place right between father in laws legs ‘his goolies’ so to speak and here is my dog bitch Nana Moon laying smugly concealed under father in laws laptop content to the high heavens with her feet pointing at father in laws balls so to speak and a direct target for my rotten sense of humour!! Let’s go for it Geffers!

Now then, being the sort of temperamental person that I am and a b’stard to boot (10% temper and 90% mental 100% B’stard) I took extreme exception and offence to his cheap jibe that “Nana Moon would prefer to stay with him and not with me” so as I leaving the room I walked past him and my bitch dog asleep I gave her one of my very special ‘shrill whistle commands’ for her immediate attention. True to form and her training she leapt off father in laws lap gouging him in his balls with a direct hit with all four feet and hardened toe nails digging into his vitals whilst he struggles to save his pigging Sudoku game FFS as her sprung off his lap like a rocket in one big band and a FLASH!!! Bingo!! Gotcha! Result! Dog-gone FFS!
There were screams and shouts of ‘oh-oh-oh FFS Jesus Christ ouch, ouch, ouch FFS’ did my father in law go whilst clutching and checking his crutchling’s (testing-testing one two) (testicles-testicles one two) whilst I stood outside the door with the very obedient Nana Moon with tears in my eyes absolutely pissing myself laughing. I noticed mother in law was rocking the settee with laughter her definitely thought it were funny but 5 minutes later she had just forgotten what TF she had been laughing at and her has never touched Cannabis in her life FFS! (I want whatever she is on!) Good girl Nana Moon ‘ooh me goolies’ I received the usual Paddington stare from the missus (my god she’s ageing) and I believe I heard myself being called a ‘stupid looking sod’ by her daddy! I can cope with that, I deserved it but ‘stupid’ well maybe, but a good looking stupid sod into the bargain! Result!!

Seriously, father in law is a decent clean living nice man, I have so tried to lead him astray but he is so well under the thumb just like his daughters husband, that’s me FFS. He doesn’t drink he doesn’t smoke and he don’t do no dope (nor do I) and certainly no loose women that I know about? Now I do have a bit of a reputation and I have been around the block a few times then some been there and done the lot so to speak, so we that’s him and me are not all that good company for each other so I resort to a toke and a smoke and a rum and a coke mix in my office-shed and he sits for hours and hours doing his bloody Sudoku or playing clock patience on his laptop (earth to Gordon) whilst mother in law is sprawled out on any settee relaxing and reading The Times from cover to cover whilst listening to The Archers FFS followed with the odd 20 minutes kip, when they arrive here I have to get my name down for a seat on the settee FFS!. What a lovely boring exciting life and they are so in love with each other (allegedly) The beauty of it all is that they don’t speak to each other not a word nor a grunt nor a fart for hours and hours and hours and they are totally content with life now wouldn’t that be a life of total bliss in anyone’s retirement years, happiness is; but it would bore the pigging pants off me FFS.
I must try the leather ejector chair that I bought at the Car Boot recently on my dear in-laws when they next visit. Get father in law to sit on mother in laws lap (watch me goolies) then fire the buggers across the room and shout ‘fetch’ to Nana Moon! That’ll shake em up a bit, I will try to film it FFS hilarious dears.
Truthfully, they are great company and I have exaggerated a little but not a lot especially the ‘ooh me goolies’ bit!!
Peace and love, Bless Up man!

Bottom line, my in-laws are good fun ish, every Sunday Lou speaks to them through her laptop so they can see each other but I never get involved in their yackity-yack weekly sessions that go on for hours and hours FFS!! WTF they talk about I do not know but yesterday the bubble burst when I wanted my wife to join me over a meal I had just slaved over (one of Lidl’s curries) so shut TFU and let’s figging eat FFS! I walked into the room and could see my in-laws on screen and asked them for permission to eat now FFS! I said ‘can you both see me’ they said ‘Yes’ so I lifted up my shirt and did a full on frontal and shouted ‘I want to eat FFS’ and her mother said “Oh Gordon (father in law) his is bigger than yours dear” tis true my lovers, tis true!

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