Geoff Says Christmas message! Bah Humbug ffs!

I mean, everybody’s going crazy spending loads of money buying christmas presents on the old credit card my old mates ffs. My motto is enjoy Christmas but don’t partake in it apart for using the reason to eat eat and then eat some more and get fecking sicking and puking up all over the New Year’s parties, great fun ffs!
If you have not bought your Christmas presents my advice is to look at our last two Car Boots 11th and 18th of this month December 2022 then we is going to come back in the year of 2023 on the month of January on the 15th at Truro Cattle Market celebrating over 33 years with the best ever Landlords Lodge & Thomas! Thank you,

TRELISKE.

I have just come back from Treliske Hospital for my regular cancer check-up which I have feared because I moved my appointment time three times (leg problems) so others may take the dates at no loss to the NHS, so missing 4 appointments I was taking a real chance if anything went wrong with my throat. I have absolutely dreaded the camera being shoved up my nose which is the most offensive thing to do to someone, I can think of lots of people I could and would do that to ffs! I have woken up at nights on occasions coughing and barfing up and thinking ‘is this my last’ but then that’s the pleasure of being stoned cos in the morning when you come round to your surprise you are still fcuking ere ffs man, you know wot I’m saying matey, life’s a bonus!!
My next worry was ‘what am I going to tell Lou’ if I tell her the truth she won’t believe me fs and if there are further problems and how will she take it because if it were bad news my attitude is that I am 84 years old and I would not want to have another operation I have had a good life since the end of the war, let someone else have my appointment for my usual 20% please.

The Appointment!

I get my height taken I get weighed I get told sit in the corridoor where there are 4 other people in the queue before me, so I am sitting there my heart beat has risen a bit, I feel full of guilt for the missing 4 months. I start reading the notices and was stunned to learn the during the day we all expell 4 cups of mucus every day, no wonder I don’t like kissing ffs. My imagination kicks in seeing cupfuls of mucus and I feel sick, sick and I will not barf up I will just swallow it wtf. Waiting, waiting!!

The result!

A young lady came and asked ‘are you Geoff follow me please sit there’ I am Dr . This lady with the most beautiful Indian-English accent and stunningly attractive examines the back and front of my neck telling me “Thats good no bruising no bumps” Go man Geoff we are half way there man!! “Now then, which side of your nose do you use for my camera Geoff” how could I resist, I mean how tf could I say “Neither, I’m off ffs!! I gulp as the camera enters my snot box which I had especially cleaned out all the dead snots ffs especially out for this occasion I get asked to coo and count to 5 and gob versus throat stuff as the camera does it’s snoop jobby then suddenly the camera is take out from my snot box starting me off snotting bleeden cupfulls everywhere ffs asking for the box of tissues please. I say to the Dr “Wow that was stunning” my eyes are wattering, she is sitting at her desk and her says: “Well Geoff, I am pleased to tell you there are no problems this time and your next review is in four months!! I could have kissed her “Thank you so very much, you have made my day” eyes still filling up we shook hands, her hands were beautifully cold hands (memories-memories) but today a very warm heart she has given me great news to tell my Lou. I thank her so much but what an amazing credit to our NHS services she was not just because she gave me good news but because she represented what a wonderful health service we have at the Royal Treliske Hospital TRURO, Cornwall with stunning members of staff at all levels, thank you, thank you, thank you. xx Go NHS!! xx
I call Lou who is in Next (always shopping-never buys) to pick me up she walks towards me, the strains on her face brings more tears, (my god she’s ageing ffs) “what happened” herself asks “I passed, next time at Treliske in 4 months” we cuddle we cry more frigging mucus, right Says Geoff “You can take me for a large Costa” Typical woman she wants confirmation “Are you telling me the truth” How tf can I win ffs!!

Says Geoff. We love you all have the happiest time over Christmas, when you want to know what to do with your old christmas trees, I have two loved Alpacas who enjoy eating the spikes and branches from deceased trees so think of them please! By the way I only need two or three please! No more ffs!! Thank you. Geoff