The Newquay Car Boot on Tuesday in July was bathed in sunshine and a very successful day both buyers and sellers each keen to sell up or buy up BARGAINS but generally here we have a huge holiday crowd of up to 3000 people enjoying Cornwall’s Community Car Boot Sale. Over the fifteen year we have run the Circus Fields Boot Sales we have got used to the huge amounts of holiday makers who come to Cornwall every year and they are almost as regular as the locals. The sellers over those years of many thousands of people have done Newquay proud with the high standard of presentation on their stall and of giving fair value for your money all for the bargain seller’s price of £6.00 per car.

About one hour into the sale the atmosphere is normally settled with buyers taking their time to walk around the nearly one mile of lanes and up to 180 great stalls to explore. The Catering area has nearly all the seats taken but over by the side of the hedge Jackie and I noticed a very-very-very large lady who for the sake of this story I will call Fatimah, she had taken one of the white chairs with the intention of sitting by the hedge with her son who had also got a chair. He sits quite comfortably not so with Fatimah Momma who sits the chair down and offers her great fat arse to the seat and as she bends to squat the plastic chair meets its doom and collapses grabbing her huge weight with the legs buckled and splayed out in four different directions like a giraffe doing a total splits! The sight of seeing this huge woman in the broken chair trying to get up leaving nothing to the imagination as she revealed everything a man would expect to see up the skirt of this 26 stone bird! Jackie and I like several other who witnessed this giant lady’s huge embarrassment were overtaken with sheer laughter but not one of us trying to help the lady to get up. The son had makes a good effort so Jackie and I like good Samaritans walked over to lift the lady to a standing position and one of us would have to prize that chair from her waistline. (fat arse)

Fortunately Fatimah did have a great sense of humour but as I helped lift her I suddenly realized my fingers were embedding into her arms and shoulders and it was then that I realized how horribly fat the feeling of fat is! It reminded me of my grandma’s bakery when I used to help to knead the dough when I was a brat of ten! Later at home I told Lou about the lady Fatimah and said I could not imagine if Lou were to get so large if I could love her in the same way as now. We go to bed and on the TV there is an equally large lady wanting oceans of her fat flab cut away in some horrific body’s programme which Madam insists on watching. Lou obviously knew how shocked I was at so much flab in one day demanding ‘would you still love me when I get that fat’?

I fell fast asleep which was her opportunity for some gross stupidity that nearly killed me! She goes into the second bedroom gets all the pillows wrapped around her stomach and up her nightie she then pads up with as many cushions round her arms and legs then ties the continental quilt round her body then comes to the side of my bed and shouts “Hey Wiles” which wakes me up to the shock of her standing there covered in cushions pillows and continental quilt and looking immense in size as she throws herself on top of me shouting ‘could you love me if I was this fat’ and there is me buried under this fat wench and I can hardly breathe! “Well” she shouts could you still love me if I was this fat? “Yes, yes, yes I shout get OFF!! I give in, I will always love you”

I have be honest to tell you this was the payback for THE (rubbery) HAND that I bought for 50p from a charity stall in Falmouth. The hand is made of very convincing flesh like rubber and there is a padded arm so plenty of scope to frighten the only lady living in this house. Best place to put the hand is on the end of the light pull switch in the bathroom which worked a treat as she screamed in horror when this greasy blood (dripping honey) stained hand is holding the switch my lovers! I said to her “don’t you think you should go for a pee darling before you wake me up”? TRAPPED! And the hand grabbed her and she screamed and screamed and screamed until she was sick!! I absolutely pissed myself laughing so had to get up and remake the bed (That is NOT true-but funny)

Diet tip is if you don’t buy it you won’t eat it!
Start dieting today with this motto and only buy the absolute necessities like chocolate and a six pack.
If you don’t buy it then you won’t eat it!

Ps. Fatimah did not pay for the splattered chair nor did she offer, I noticed how stunningly attractive the lovely Fatimah was and what a pleasure to see such vast face of sheer beauty may you become the size you want my lover, I shall never forget the view as your chair toppled over?? my lover……x