My recent blog concerning Rosie and her recent accident was totally tongue in cheek and a bit of a wind-up nothing more therefore I apologise for nothing. Get well soon Rosie and whoever else is suffering illness. X

We know how difficult it is to be in the company of a serious illness with Julia my (mother in law) whom we have looked after for 3 years with her Dementia.
Throughout all the difficult times a sense of humour has been absolutely vital at all times. I rest my case! Geoff. x

Bollocks to BREXIT!!
What about this election, lies, lies, and more effing lies! If flab Boris-Doris gets the power for five years take note of what Corbyn has said “Boris Johnson, if elected will sell part of our National Health Service to Donald Trump of America” Corbyn has documentary proof which is supported by parts of the American press some saying the deal is a pay-off to Trump for his supporting Boris for Prime Minister.
That is bad news so is Corbyn for the Labour Party so who yer gonna vote for? Farage is not the come-back kid he thinks he is; he is yesterday’s man still loud mouthed never been an MP having been rejected by the electorate in local bi-elections, likes a pint and a total tosser to boot.
That is my opinion like everyone else we have the right to freedom of speech. I speak the truth with a hint of white lies and pure exaggeration, I am so delighted that Geoff Says has so many followers over one and a half million visits to our website which is going to be more mobile friendly in its new year look hopefully with an adults only forum and a selling forum for free. Can I ask for your vote please;

Below is a party-political statement on behalf of Geoff and his Legalise Cannabis party of one member!
Geoff Says Legalise Cannabis Party of one!

So why not vote for me I am going to start my own “Legalise Cannabis Party” which will allow you to grow your own 4 plants per month limiting you to five spliffs a day then another five wtf! Farmers could grow it for the Governments, think of all the dosh that could be made legit in taxes from allowing people to open shops to sell the weed man, but the real saving would be to give the Police a complete break and time away from Cannabis to concentrate their expertise on the real crimes away from stop and search chasing someone who has just bought a smoke of a teenth of weed man ffs! I mean, look at Canada making millions upon millions in taxes through legalising the Herb called Cannabis used since the bible days. Think of the money that can be invested into finding what causes Dementia, I bet that part and parcel of the remedies for Dementia lies within the growing and flowing fields of Cannabis my lovers. I know cos I has been and lived in the promised lands of Cannabis Plantations in St Kitts in the Caribbean for a year in total. Total bliss unadulterated bliss ‘Geoff Says’ but that’s another story!! Geoff Xx
Bollocks to Brexit!

Dear customer welcome to Portugal.
Cornwall; any day for the last couple of months!
It is 4am the rain is chucking it down with a vengeance outside of my man cave, our 3 male Alpacas are still grazing in the heavy drizzle pissing down on the lush green grass that is growing to abundance whilst the heavens decide that I will have to cancel yet another figging Car Boot Sale due to the ground conditions being soggy. I feel sorry for the hundreds of sellers and buyers at all locations with the weather affecting their incomes all I can do is to sympathise with them which is not a lot of good but it’s a start! The constant cancelling of Car Boot Sales also affects ourselves and our working teams and our Landlords so if the Car Boot does not go ahead then nobody gets paid not one penny, the Caterers lose out the toilets don’t get paid and the Communities of people who ‘love their Car Boots’ do not get their weekly visits which like the heavens thoroughly pisses on everyone’s fireworks so to speak. Sorry my lovers, is all I can say we just have to turn the other cheek hold your balls tight and wait for the weather to change FFS. I’m thinking of signing on don’t you know, I’d love to get a job in one of they there Ann Summers sex shops like in Truro selling and demonstrating all of those vibrating sexual aids and then there’s the crotchless male or female knickers, let your fairy or your Mary or your hairy todger all hang out for a breath of fresh air ffs, great fun!!
Enough is enough what with the weather and mother in law playing up with her Dementia which is gradually getting worse so we go through these very silent periods when suddenly her breaks out with a conversation entirely to herself which is utter rubbish and nonsensical which stresses my lovely wife but not me, I join in and why not? We (me) have discovered that at evening meal times to watch a bit of the news which her pays attention to then we change channels to watch ‘You’ve been Framed’ which makes her really happy and chuckling nay laughing so if you have some dear old or young fart with Dementia who you are a carer for then let them laugh at the stupidity of the programme and if they seem to really like it and laugh a lot record a couple of shows then play them to your beloved dementated person time and again, they won’t remember WTF they have seen. So, with repeated playing of your recordings which unfortunately they are watching a programme that will go into their minds for seconds then alas it’s gone and forgotten lost forever, bit like smoking weed really! But then if it makes them laugh it is very rewarding. It’s 4.00 am I have been up since 2 with serious leg pains and cramps, a couple of smokes rum and cokes and the pains have eased up. I am going to get stents put into my legs soon. Back to Julia, her makes me laugh with her gobble-de-gook slush puppy nonsense chit-chat but she is happy, she’s got Dementia ffs. Julia is a nice person but her has now resorted to stealing things and storing them amongst her ever-growing piles of single pieces toilet paper so we have to ask “Did you take the post to your bedroom?” She denies all but Lou finds several letters unopened with instructions ‘do not open’ all in Julia’s own handwriting, one of her premium bond winnings of £25.00 dating back 3 months were amongst her ‘stolen pile’ the dear of her. The day before we were due to drop her off for her holiday the lovely Sian arrived to find dear Julia washing her cup her cereal bowl her plate her cutlery and yes you have guessed it, down in the bog the toilet ffs the dirty old moo so she is, her seriously needs a break from we and we need a break from she ffs see and from now her very own cutlery cup and saucer the lot, Sean was slightly baffled as to the brown water in the now washing up bathroom toilet ffs was from a floating tea bag or from something more sinister ffs!! We took Julia to the Kenwyn Care Home in Truro to see if she would be happy to stay there at enormous cost which she would pay for herself. She agreed to stay, ‘no other option available dear’ we booked a 10 day stay in the Algarve-Portugal at an apartment self-catering with a hire car which we would have to pick up on arrival at the airport, then it’s off to go find where we are going to stay for the next 10 days ffs! We drop Julia off her cries, we don’t, we are now on our respite holiday away from it all, let’s get our marriage back to normal, peace perfect peace or perhaps not!
Welcome to Portugal!
For a moment of madness on my part I had decided that I would not drive the car hired so Lou would be totally in charge of the driving and the reality of making that decision was rammed home by her realizing that her had to drive from the airport on the opposite side of the road and that her gear stick was now on her right which caused me to agree with the madness of myself that I had definitely and totally made the wrong decision in the first place, sod it I should be in the driving seat. ‘You didn’t tell me it was the other side of the road’ her says yes, “Oh but I did sez I just go for it dearest, don’t pull out fs my god that was close’ Portugal is full of bloody roundabouts (lets go for a spin sometime) her negotiating them all with extreme caution held up other traffic, I could see the clearly road ahead of us but my darling wife now has a stream of traffic behind her and believe me the drivers are getting some pissed off with several risking life and limb to overtake and to get out of the frigging way of this bleeding car, bloody tourists! I can see in my mirror the convoy we now have trailing into the distant background behind us ffs! It reminded me of our Atlantic Highway here in Cornwall on the way to Wadebridge we live near the river, do drop in some time! So you want to go out for an easy journey into say Truro and you join a stream of figging traffic on both sides of the road called the Atlantic Highway and you get ficking held up by bleeding tractors out for a joy ride so there’s a ‘nil chance to overtake ffs’ these two Cornish men farmer folk (folk off fer folks sake) tractor drivers they be texting each other like fury and having a bloody good double chinned laugh fs “I’ve got bout 63 cars and lorries following me says Benjamin how many of they there cars following av oo got Roger” I beat yer says Bengy ‘I’ve got bout 74 of them there drivers and some of they are going near firkin apeshit berserk ffs! It’s true, and if you do get the chance to overtake the missus screams “Don’t pull out ffs” How can you win fs!
Back to Portugal, I am sitting in my passenger seat trying to hide from the single fingers and ‘wanker’ hands shaking out of all sides of each passing vehicle including bloody cyclists ffs to my dearest wife who couldn’t GAF she is certainly not influenced by their impatience. Pull over and let them all pass ffs I wanted to say but I was getting shid scared. We eventually pull over streams of traffic go by the drivers are staring at us morons for their delays “We are from Cornwall dont you know you’ve got to make allowances for that fs!” Her reversing skills are better that her forward skills if you know what I mean we arrived back at the apartment on the second day her reversed back into the car space I politely told her “You are so much better driving backwards than forwards, stop now” OMG ffs I do wish I would keep my figging gob shut at times.
So, now we have a clear road her drives out when suddenly I realise and scream ‘we are on the wrong king side of the road ffs ‘Don’t you shout at me’ her shouts. OMG and this is only day one of the holiday ffs. We have sat-nav in the car all in Portuguese great help that one, with some idiot jabbering on like fcuk and we don’t know WTF he is on about we don’t know one effing word of their language f! We eventually arrive at the apartment (that’s twice) knackered but still alive, I stagger out of the car and get accused of overacting not true, ‘welcome dearest’ I uttered but the words were kept in my mind, I seriously need to unwind, I am still alive, I need a smoke ffs. The weather is amazing with brilliant hot sunshine for almost the entire 10 days, the apartment was situated amongst loads of other new blocks of smart apartments like living in a concrete jungle however the letting industry is suffering with poor figures so there were a lot of the apartments up for sale say at around 250 grand my lovers nice that they are they aint worth 250 grand I’d start at one and a half mate ffs! Ours is 2 years old nicely appointed kitchen with a great balcony next to a five-star hotel and not a lot of traffic to disturb the peace. My Lou went to the hotel to find out what sort of menu there was. Her didn’t get to the main courses cos her was stunned that some of the starters alone were upwards of thirty quid that’s like sixty quid for two starters the size of two turdy sausages ffs, bollox to that! I mean when we go out to eat, we eat well so I recon we are talking over a hundred plus quid each, fcuk that she aint worth that and I am certainly not fs, in any event we came to enjoy self-catering and keeping ourselves to ourselves but the fear of going out in the dark could become a reality wtf next fs!
We needed provisions and wondered if there are any Lidl or Aldi stores in Portugal when low and behold and therefore and beyond (I am whilst writing this without pain, I’m happily stoned so please make allowances)

OMG its back into the car again but this time I feigned an illness that would mean me having to lie down on the back seats so I cannot see WTF sort of complications my darling wife is creating the dear of her, be afraid be very afraid I tell myself, then on queue her stands on her brakes and I am shot off the back seat and jammed between hers and the sodding seat I should be sitting in if I were not so fricking frit ffs! Eventually we found both stores almost opposite sides of the huge double roundabouts. Brilliant, but for some reason known only to herself her drove round the roundabout three or could have been four times and somehow without shopping at all we are heading into the exit lane wtf happened there? I was having serious dizzy spells at the time fs! She decides let’s spin off here and go into the Aldi store first to see how they cope with their dreaded ‘Dear Customer’ announcements as experienced at the Wadebridge store! To tell the honest truth we spent half an hour in both Lidl and Aldi store on 4 occasions each which were much-much busier than our Aldi & Lidl stores so guess how many announcements there were? Not one! Some of the locals who shopped in Lidl & Aldi were rude buggers and mouthy sods in their own tongues of course lounging around blocking up the aisles (bit like Wadebridge really) some of they seemed to need lessons in how to push a trolley and polite manners please and less drinking before 10.00 am please, and that’s just the women fs. I did get on well with the oldies especially the local grannies the dear of them whose politeness and granny smiles were well worth the journey, they thought I were lovely but then we were all very short-sighted you know what I mean. Cost of living seems equal to the UK, Aldi and Lidl are a great partnership with all residents and tourists in Portugal.
The Portuguese communities have the cleanest roads we have ever encountered no litter on the streets with bins shaped like huge golf balls supplies for all and sundry to use for your recycling which is very creditable to the country, the people take great pride with the presentation of their towns and gardens plus amazing trees all serviced to perfection by local councils and the Portuguese people. 10 out of 10 for them all, but they do let themselves down with the population not taking notice of the amount of annual deaths caused by the smoking of killer disease cigarettes with poisons nicotine and tobacco. Piles of fag ends are laying outside some of the public buildings and regretfully smoking is allowed in restaurants and other public areas so that is a major minus for Portugal. In fairness I noticed the smoking of weed in some public areas on several times, go weed! I had taken enough of my herbal mixture which each time I go abroad I wonder if I would get stopped but going through customs Portugal Airport was a doddle with no great security presence, in any event if they stopped me the mixture I use of Farmers Blend and Cannabis herb which would not set any alarm bells going off, my doctors are aware of my use of Cannabis that’s good enough for me.

The populations of Portuguese people all seem to be leaner than the UK I did not see any of the fatso kids and their bloated parents like we see around the Car Boots in Cornwall (all holiday-makers from oop country like) almost daily proving poor diets for many families with low incomes the dear of them all fs. We have been to the Algarve several times the weather was at its best which we experienced during September with rain probably for a couple of hours in ten days.
Would we go again? Most certainly! But I would drive, I love my wife dearly which is news to me after wot I have been through, my nerves are shagged out, don’t pull out FFS!! I were chatting with two lovely people (well she’s a bit gorgeous) at Truro who were going on holiday to Portugal to get away from the pesky grand-children (and the grand-kids cannot wait for them to bugger off neither my bird, they love you though) They were going for a week after we got back, going all-inclusive to a 4 Star Hotel. He embarrassed himself by standing close to the sea in his 70s shorts thinking he was all that. I’m not saying he is a big sod but there was an announcement ‘please would the fat bloke in the hideous shorts move out of the way the tide wants to come in FFS! They said the weather was great (bit cold at nights) their Hotel was good but the food at the hotel was ‘bloody awful’ so they went out to eat because the same food is repeatedly offered day after day and quite often some of the same plated foods lasted all week ffs! Lou and I planned to go self-catering all along we just needed a complete break just the two of us away from Julia and time alone, we didn’t want to go out at nights taking into consideration my fear of my darling wife’s unbelievable driving skills that has now got all of Portugal talking about fs. You would think that we laughed about it oh no, it was much too serious for that! My nerves are totally shagged out and fuct and with the greatest of pleasure for me as we hand the unscathed car (miracle) back to the car hire miserable sods that they were, we board the plane back to the insanity of home life in Cornwall and back to Julia who has apparently cried a lot the dear of her. I cried with tears of joy when I saw my very own car ffs! But in fairness to my Lou her driving skills are more settling here in Cornwall so to speak (liar) Welcome, we are back to dear old Cornwall which has been pissing down for several weeks and guess what it is still pissing down today ffs creating weeks of cancelling one Car Boot Sale after the other ffs. Such is life. Portugal is lovely, amen!

CNN & MSNBC News;
I spent many happy hours on the balcony having the odd few smokes with a rum and coke relaxing and watching and studying the CNN & MSNBC American news channels which are brilliantly presented by some of the most professional world class male and female presenters in a high drama style with hot news coming in almost by the minute. The news of the day all day and every pigging day is about the impeachment of the worst President in American History a white supremacist and total arsehole to boot Donald J. Trump and his band of frigid Republican orange-nosed B’stard followers all supported with total bilge dust verbal crap from lying Fox News presenters up his bum biased towards Donald Trump who has promised that if he does not get a second term of office in The White House there could be ‘civil war in the streets’ Well bully for you Donald, you are a crook a jerk and a liar, you have divided America with your double-dealing efforts you are a World-wide laughing stock that will take years to repair for the United States, so why don’t you FRO the now FFS no “prid-pro-quo = something for something” you are a schmook a racist a sexist and ferking ugly to boot you have no respect for women you are disloyal to your missus and you have lied to the American public over twenty thousand times in 3 years man as recorded by CNN you are a threat to world peace especially if that idiot Boris (Doris to his gay friends from Torquay) gets into power at number 10 for 5 pigging years the NHS will not be safe as Boris plans to sell sections of our NHS ffs! Hey Donald, “how’s your love in relationship with North Korea are you still ‘in love’ with Kim Jon Un the dear of him, bombs away?

You could have should have done so much for America, you’ve failed, you are the weakest link so FRO the now and may you get permanent lock-jaw after you have been rejected and impeached and removed from office then you can take your rotten and corrupt family away far-far away into the hills over the seas to Alcatraz to await justice for what you have done dishonourably to gain benefits for the Trump Dynasty which is soon going to crumble once the impeached President gets his tax bills and is sent to another place to shut his gob once and for all FFS! Go now, your fired!! He could hopefully go to prison for a very long time with his mate motor-gob-shite lawyer Juliane (another crim) then we will all have peace perfect peace. My personal hope for the 2020 Presidential race was Kamala Harris who has a brilliant CV but her cannot raise absolute fortunes to really take part in the race so has reluctantly withdrawn the dear of her. Go Kamala! God Bless America, never been there never wanted to, never will, Amen!

BBC forecast is WRONG according to farmers? SUNDAYS at TRURO BACK TO 12.00 noon this weekend!
I think farmers are right about today little rain expected, whatever we have the Cattle pens so today the choice is yours ‘in or out’ “I know what I prefer! that is so rude Geoff! Don’t forget THURSDAYS at TRURO Car Boot Sales at 11.00 am requested by mums, get the kids off to school have breakfast then to the Car Boot for a couple of hours make some money but do not trust everybody my lovers! No nicking, right! X Sellers; First 40 sellers (cars) will pay only £5.00 to sell ………………………………… Coming soon on Geoff Says; Welcome to Portugal. Enjoy your life, keep warm cos its bloody cold and wet out there! Don’t forget SUNDAYS at 12.00 noon!!

THURSDAYS mid-week winter Car Boot Sales at TRURO Cattle Market n THURSDAY 21st NOVEMBER at 11.00 am CAR sellers for £5.00 only
‘Housewives choice’ Car Boot at Truro on Thursdays from the 21st of this month! All CAR SELLERS can sell for only £5.00 estates and 4 x 4 £7.00 Vans from £8.00 trailers extra £3.00 Earlies extra £3.00 I have sought out many views from our lady customers who have asked emphatically that the start time is 11.00 am which gives mums chance to get the kids off to school have some breakfast then spend a couple of hours at the Car Boot to make some extra money for Christmas. ………………………………………… I am not convinced I have made the right decision regarding the change of time on SUNDAYS at TRURO after listening to requests to change to 10.00 am lets see what happens this week and to those few what said ‘told you so people don’t want Car Boot Sales so early in the morning which is a load of bollix because Hayle and Rosudgeon start early in the morning and for the record Truro many years ago used to start at 8.00 am very successfully on Saturday until Mitchell came along hence the time changes. Happy Birthday to Ann who not only asked for the time change at Truro but today Sunday the 12th November is her 59th birthday and her looks good for her age (from a distance so to speak) Happy Birthday Ann, I would like to win the lottery and give you some of the £60 odd million that I would win providing you can give me some changes out of a pound dear. X

These are NOT written by me apart from the first one which I nicked from someone else. Enjoy;

1. There was a Young Man from Kent, whose tool was exceedingly bent.
So, to save himself trouble, he put it in double,
instead of coming he went!

2. There once was a man from Bel Air
Who was giving his wife one his wife on the stair,
The banister broke, so he doubled his stroke and finished her off in mid-air

3. A strange young fellow from Leeds.
Rashly swallowed a package of seeds.
Great tufts of fine grass, sprouted out of his ass and his balls were covered with weeds.

4.
There once was a man from Sprocket,
Who went for a ride in a rocket,
The rocket went bang, His balls went clang, and he found his dick in his pocket!

5. There was a young man from Brighton,
Who thought he’d at last found a tight ‘un?
He said, “Oh my love, it fits like a glove.”
Said she, “But you’re not in the right ‘un.”

8. There was a young girl of Cape Cod.
Who thought babies were fashioned by God,
But ’twas not the Almighty Who hiked up her nightie,
It were Roger, the lodger, the sod!

9. There once was a man from Madras,
Whose balls were made of brass,
In stormy weather They clang together.
And sparks fly out of his ass!

10. There was a young maid from Madras,
Who had a magnificent ass; Not rounded and pink, as you would probably think,
Cos it were grey had long ears, and only ate grass?

11. There was a young sailor named Bates,
Who danced the fandango on skates?
But a fall on his cutlass, has rendered him nut-less,
And practically useless on dates.

Geoff Says;

Send you Limericks to;

Brilliant picture of MITCHELL + Spliff;-D
Thank you for observing my deliberate error. Geoff

It is 4.00 am and absolutely pissing down from the heavens the Alpacas the Goats the Pygmy Goats and the 5 chickens are all asleep in their shelter happiness is for them all we did have 6 chickens but one of the Pygmy Goats head-butted the deceased chicken in a fight over food, it’s horns pierced the chicken tossing it into the air to drop right in the middle of the remaining 5 chickens who all went clucking WTF WTF WTF ‘wot the fcuk wot the fcuk and I cried with laughter, blissfully and hilariously funny especially when stoned all played out in slow motion in my mind ffs!!
Geoff
X

COMING SOON FOR THE WINTER MONTHS TRURO CATTLE MARKET on THURSDAY time and start dates to be agreed.

The THURSDAYS the first 40 sellers with a car will pay ONLY £5.00 estates and 4x4s
£7.00 trailers £3.00 vans from £8.00 earlies £4.00 Now then what I need to know is what time do we start?

So far the majority of people I have asked say 10.00 am which is a good time because it gives mum time to get the kids off to school then a quick Car Boot with mum or friends. 12 noon is probably difficult because the heavy traffic at that time is peak travel time. The decision is yours, now then get on Facebook and tell your mates about Thursdays at TRURO for a fiver FFS! Your opinions please. Geoff. X

Also, BUYERS on THURSDAYS ONLY will be 50 p per person (kids of all ages eight quid each in CASH) Car Boots Cornwall dog and child friendly boot sales, no squalling please? Geoff X

Think about this; does this picture remind you of one of our ex-sellers ‘Despicable Me’ famous in his own world but a tosser in the real world.

Warning; This blog uses mildly offensive language for which I do not apologise ffs! My spies have been telling me that someone in Pendeen which is only Just on the map nice place to come from but not to go to, for the record all homes now have electricity but running water and the Internet yet to come for most homes, however Pendeen car boots have had a sly dig on their website at our Car Boot Sales. Now then, our car boots are like sex they both last around 2 to three hours then ‘it’s off’ to rise to another occasion the next Car Booty my bird and why not fs? They, are claiming that their boot sales just off the coast of Pendeen have to last all day, a whole day from early morning, surely that’s what they call a ‘lock in’ Well bully for them because as I understand from my spies that most nay nearly all of their sellers want to get out after 2-4 hours and go to their homes cos the b kids are bored with an attitude ‘I just wanna go home’ syndrome and are playing up mummy up and daddy and mummy and daddy are pig sick of them fer father’s sake ffs!

Besides that, with Car Boots Cornwall we dictate the actual start time and we certainly do not allow dealers to pay up to £10.00 to go into the sale before the rest of the buyers to cherry-pick the bargains I mean WTF is going on allowing the bleedn rich dealers to grab all the bargains ffs? it is our customers at CBC the buyers and the sellers who decide when it’s time to pack up and if they want to go to another Car Boot Sale after then bully for them as well. Wot we ask all of our customers is to stay at the car boot for two hours it is then entirely their decision when to go home because the kids are being a pain in the bum so to speak. And, with respect most if not all of our Car Boot Sales are at least half an hour away from each other and with further respect Pendeen is a registered charity so all their staff are (free) volunteers so staffing costs are NIL, they don’t pay rent and this year they kindly gave only £12,000 to their charity. We have seen the Drone pictures of how busy Pendeen is and the huge income from such a load of sellers, they also claim that thousands of buyers attends all their sales, so what happened to the rest of the dosh darlings I have been asked? None of my business you understand. Charities are very difficult people to deal some of them are ‘so up their own bums’ and some are complete and total R soles as Landlords, I could name several but that’s another story.

Dear Customer; ALDI

When it’s time to go shopping we all like to make sure we are ready for the onslaught and stresses of driving to your favourite shopping Supermarket to get the weeks groceries and of meeting and mixing with other members of the public who are also doing their shopping as well as you fs so there is bound to be someone or something that will really piss you off or get on your tits in some way or other cos they are standing in your pigging way or they are the driving their trolley recklessly as though their trolley has only got three figging wheels going one way and the other wheel couldn’t GAF ffs, or, or, there’re on their pigging mobiles or their b kids are out of control with some squalling (darling) little brats especially at the figging check-out when you are trying to concentrate on loading your bleedn shopping bags ffs (I feel so sorry for the parents, no I don’t) take your little darlings out of the store by the ear until you have them under your control (try a nappy change in the open boot for instance or burp them then we can all can think straight fs) or better still Supermarkets should have free creches for father and child so that mum can shop alone on father’s Barclaycard, what a stunningly good idea, bravo? I mean, some of you do not know how to push the pigging trolleys properly leaving them in the middle of the aisle so no bugger can pass ffs and the ones that really piss me off is the mouthy family member shouting to another family member who is in a different aisle ‘do we need Ketchup Beryl’ I mean you do not get that sort of behaviour in Waitrose or Marks & Spencer do yer though? It seems to me that most of the real gabbiest of Gobi gob-shites shop at either Lidl or my favourite Aldi in Wadebridge store ‘bless them all-great characters in their own world but figging idiots in the real world ffs’ I mean you know the sort I mean don’t cher mate? Aldi is next door to the superb replacement of rotten old Woolworth’s so now we have the very with it and famous B & M Stores. I love B & M they sell really cheap dog treats and ‘cheap’ feeds for the bird tables and the staff seem a happy bunch, up their wage to be ten quid an hour cos that’s what I pay my team.
My darling missus (4th and current wife so far) my previous 3 wives died the 4th one won’t ffs! Her does not like shopping at the best of times (apart from pigging six hundred and fifty quid handbags fs) but especially when its school holiday time coupled with the huge influx of tourists and their caravans and their bleedn cars causing traffic jams and pollution at peak season the ‘Emmits have arrived’ (Cornwall needs their dosh) so everyone is in everyone’s way and my dear Lou treats it like ‘We must be quick its rush around time it’s a matter of life or death so let’s load up the trolley quickly and forget what TF we came in here for in the first frigging place and let’s get the hell out of here ffs’ says her. Her and her mum do not know what ffs means ffs. It’s Friendly Farmers Society ffs for short innit? Whereas with me, I just like to just saunter around to annoy her slowly reading labels and getting in every bugger’s way ffs great fun! I look at sell by dates and I look for trolleys where the owners have parked their trolley up and gone walkabouts so I load their trolleys up so that when they come back they don’t recognise where the fcuk their trolley is ffs! I love watching people and listening to their chit-chat especially to the men who are totally under control of her indoors old bossy boots herself, get me this and get me that ffs and we don’t need this and we don’t need that and put that back on the shelf ffs, he is seriously getting on her tits so to get rid of him her demands him to go and find me a packet of sultanas over there somewhere knowing full well it will take him forever, but me I am taking my time which really pisses my missus off amazingly. Great fun now then, it’s ‘she hot flushes day today’ accompanied by another headache as well today (every day) so I could be wrong in every frigging thing I do for the entire day ffs.
Do you know there are times in your private lives as husband & wife or similar depending on which side you dress in the morning that you will fall in and out of love with the love of your life over the slightest of little things that will totally piss you both off and it’s like a world war has broken out between two people who were in passionate sexual clinches in love (tissue time) before getting up today but now, I hate the guts of him or her and let’s be very flocking rude and thoroughly ignorant shits to each other all frigging day and let it last until he-her says ‘I’m sorry it was my fault, no it flicking aint and I am not giving in ffs so today it is my turn and I have not done anything wrong ffs do I care, do I fcuk, on this particular day we weren’t really talking resulting in grunts to each other, how pigging rude is that ffs I think from now on I will call her ‘the grunt’ fs! (perhaps it’s the stress of mother in law who has Dementia) but I do not get stressed about Julia she don’t bother me none.

Dear Customer!

Neither of us are in a good mood so the smallest incident will really piss me off and this is what happens each time we go into Lidl so welcome to the real world my man! As soon as we had walked through the doors at Lidl Store we get this loud message over the public address system in a snot-gobbling posh voice “Dear Customer, we are opening till 4 will customers please use till number 4” so queuing customers eagerly rush to pile their goods onto the escalator counter thing anticipating immediate service, the next pigging announcement “Staff required for till 4 please” wtf? So they wait, so they wait, eventually a cashier arrives then a few minutes later “Dear customer, we are now closing till four will customers please use the other tills” ffs, I mean, wtf is going on? we are all being brain-washed with these noisy interruptions to your shopping which disturbs your concentration time and again and today without any exaggeration I counted 23 freaking “Dear customer” and “Manager required” and “Staff required” announcements and I was only in the store for about 40 ucking minutes ffs but the stupidity of it is that all of the staff have headphones and mikes and they are constantly jabbering-on to each other non-stop so why TF don’t they communicate without loud and ferking constant “Dear customer” interruptions into what is supposed to be a pleasant experience ffs.
I mean just imagine being a member of staff at the end of the day ‘the dear of them’ as they have listened to thousands and figging thousands of beep-beep and more pigging beeps at the pigging beep tills and on top of that they have to freaking listen to at least hundreds of their ‘Dear Customer’ crap. At the end of my ordeal at the checkout but not for my missus oh no, she got even with me for what reason I know not nor care not, her flashes her bloody £650.00 bag for all and sundry to see that I had (been conned) purchased out of my in-debt pension that I could hardly afford fs then her has the pigging nerve to say “Oh dear, I haven’t got my card will you pay Wiles” thereby making me pay ffs! Ouch, nice one Lou, it’s only lent as they say.

Now then, Dear Aldi, I think that their ‘Dear customer’ voice sounds a bit too bossy and snooty and commanding and is talking down to people especially if you say it in olde English my lovers, so with a toffee-nosed voice and stick a plum in your gob and say ‘Dear Customer’ 23 times and it would seriously get on yer tits wouldn’t it my bird ffs but when you hear it so many times you wake up during the pigging night to go for a piss and the first thing you think of is ‘Dear customer’ and you can’t think straight let alone pee straight ffs, so with respect I know all about staff cut-backs but those cut-backs should never be at the expense of the delaying of you’re paying customers, and the somewhat I’m busy attitude of the under pressure staff well worthy of at least £10.00 an hour! However, and whatever Aldi is a superb store and so is Lidl both with polite-ish fellow customers all of their stores have great products great prices great value and all of the staff deserve a rise so all is great at Aldi apart from “Dear Customer” How about “Hello Playmates” Good god am I really that old? If I had the freedom of a Supermarket mike, I would have customer dashing all over the place after I have announced absolute bargains that do not exist and during school holidays; I would announce all CDs and computer games are now reduced to only one pound £1.00 each for the kids only, I would offer free giant gob-stoppers for all babies entering the store to minimise their squalling I would organise a wheelchair dash for the disabled and a mum’s pushchair dash (with squalling child) only on the diaper aisles though and I would have a doggy dash to the meat counter, I would charge £1.00 admission grannies (I love grannies) lesbians (I love lesbians, greatest birth control in the world) young mums) (I love young mum’s for the future of the world, granddads two quid’s) to enter the store with all proceeds going to me, I would grab all the dosh then fcuk off on holiday only to come back and find out I was sacked what tf for I have no idea ffs! Geoff Says!

Back to mother in law who as most readers know Julia is Louise’s mum who has Dementia, it is really sad seeing her senses gradually closing down but to her credit she has still got a very good sense of humour and she adores me, she has now referred to her daughter her carer my Lou and my wife as ‘the other person’ who lives in our house which I thought hilarious my Lou was not impressed, she gets quietly pissed off with her mum who shows absolutely no appreciation for her daughters efforts at all. Julia has an ex-nurse who comes to look after her called Sian her is lovely and her looks after personal matters making sure Julia has a bath or a shower and gets her hair done, she makes sure Julia doesn’t fall over and lose the banana shaped bar of soap which Julia keeps looking at to find out where to put the batteries ffs, buzzing and hilarious fun one would think! Sian is the mother of Rhiannon who has just returned from her charity work in Kenya. The very pretty Sian (from a distance) (I jest) has been coming to the house for over a year, she can be standing next to Julia and I ask her ‘Julia, are you pleased to see Sian’ her says “I haven’t seen Sian for ages” ffs! I mean that is pretty rude but she’s got Dementia fs so take it on the chin Sian and Lou, she is not purposely being offensive but I do understand how Julia offends, truthfully she can be just as rude to me as she likes I don’t GAF but I don’t take it personal cos after I have had a couple of spliffs the dear of her I don’t know WTF her is on about and nor does her so I does agree with almost everything her says so let’s all be loony together at the same time ffs, I reply with total gibberish crap so everyone is off their trolley rockers at the same time which Julia really enjoys, no wonder the wifey likes to get tf out of the house and do a lot of gardening ffs! Sian is Welsh (I won’t hold that against her) she has a brilliant sense of humour and she is a real love and so important in Julia’s life and her well-being so it is a combined effort to make her happy. People say, her son in particular said ‘put her in a home’ but why? She would lose her dignity and she would cry forever but here at her home she amuses herself she likes to be alone with our two Chiwawas, she is really quite fit for someone who does not exercise, she eats up all she foods slowly so slowly driving my Lou near to bursting point (because she want her pudding now ffs) Julia sits opposite to me so if you can imagine someone staring at you for ages with her face-full of double chins she looks as though she is staring at me over a pile of crumpets that are continuously on the wobble ffs! But me, I am really happy at the entertainment as I watch the days go by where our private life is on hold caring for Julia who aint no trouble really just let her do what her wants to do even if it is creating piles of toilet paper that she has taken apart every piece by piece of toilet paper off the bog roll and then another bog roll as her puts it all in piles on her desk as she is anticipating using only one piece of toilet paper each time her goes to the netty ffs, one piece aint gonna be much frigging help is it my lovely because your way it means shitty sticky and stinky fingers, now go and wash your filthy hands yer dirty biatch and use a nail brush then throw it away ffs pet!

Leave her alone she is happy, amen.
One last quick story, we are having our meal Lou me and Julia who opens her handbag to get out a toilet roll ffs she rips off about 10 pieces folds them up and shoves them under her leaking and snuffly snot-box with the appropriate sound affects fs her is eating with one hand holding her fork the other hand is gripping her snot-box for almost the entire meal which Lou and I have to endure this whilst trying to enjoy our meal, worse was to come we cleared the table off apart from Julia’s. I went back to get her plate and was horrified to find her using the same damp and snottiest snot-rag tissues that she had been shoving up her snot-box all during the meal, she is now wiping and cleaning and polishing off the glass topped table ffs! Snot smears pigging everywhere ffs! I mean yuck king and king yuck again woman ffs, but leave her alone she’s got Dementia fs don’t you know. I apologise for using ffs’ but I mean fer fcuks sake! Hilarious fun, I can’t sit down to any meal without thinking about it and I want to barf up FFS, next time I shall take the bleeding tissues away from her and let her nose drip into her meal or put a pelican bib on her to catch the dribbles of snot and empty them in her drink ffs. I mean slimy or what WTF!
It is horrible for my lovely Lou (who I love to bits ish) to see her mum out of control of herself, Julia who had been a very proud and successful teacher for many years in Newcastle she knows time is closing in on her but she will fight in her own way to survive with our help and with the help of all the people who have been so nice to her at the Memory Clubs that she attends with the beautiful Sian. Please be nice to all the genuine carers of Dementia patients and give high praise to all of those wonderful nurses who work tirelessly dedicated to the care of Dementia people. Go NHS! Thank you. Thank you, Sian. XX

And finally, I often get comments about these blogs fortunately they are all very complimentary and it seems the only reason that they read the blogs is because of the confrontational rude and upfront crudeness and the swearing by letters most paragraphs. I recently met the most beautiful young Chinese lady and her father who both love our Car Boots at Truro and St Columb Major, they were so complimentary about ‘Geoff Says’ that I was glowing with pride anyway after talking with this lovely beauty queen with a stunning personality I learn that she is 23 and has just passed her degrees to Graduate to Keale University where within a year she will become a Plastic Surgeon with an ambition to help burns and tragedy victims rebuild their images and their lives. At the end of our conversation she asked me ‘Can I have a hug please? I was totally privileged and gob-smacked and yes, she got the hug and last Sunday she came for another hug and to say she was off to Keale. I didn’t get either her name or that of her fathers but I hope that they will keep in touch in some way. They read my blogs. Sometimes in life you meet wonderful people and for this young and beautiful lady to have the ambition to spend the rest of her life dedicated to caring for accident and trauma victims who will need her Plastic Surgeon skills to rebuild their damaged bodies is worthy of the highest praise. The last thing she said to me was ‘You will live to 200 years’ Good god my face is like a bag of prunes already, I would need a Plastic Surgeon to rebuild my face completely, but no I wouldn’t want to live that long just imagine having to work at least up to the age of 150 years old or trying to get an erection (if you’re a bloke) at that age Dem bones Dem bones Dem dry bones ffs! No thanks I will settle for the first hundred then reconsider, I should be so lucky!! Get in touch please? Geoff XX

Finally, finally yesterday at Newquay another compliment “You must be Geoff” from a pretty young mum followed by her husband “We just love your blogs they are so good I read them to my husband at bedtime” and he agreed! I mean what is going on in people’s lives in the bedroom nowadays ffs I feel as though I have been in a threesome and knew sod-all about it. But what a compliment, I can see him all tucked up in bed “Come on darling give it to me it’s sleepy bye-byes time with Geoff Says just read it to me or I’ll scream and scream until I puke” Whatever turns you on my lovers whatever turns you on! Love you, for a few quid I could consider calling round to read the blog myself to him, I could do with the dosh as I am behind with my payments for a bloody expensive handbag fs. Thank you all so much for your support, will you buy my book please? XX