Warning; Sense of humour required.
The Brown stuff;
Now then, Julia however is not ‘in control’ of most of her thoughts and deeds and doings which is proof that Dementia is such a serious debilitating disease of which there is unfortunately no miracle cure and absolutely no return to normal life for the 5 million World Wide sufferers. Several of our customers have told me about their nightmare experiences caring for Dementia sufferers within the family, one customer told me about a Dementia parent who could ‘without notice’ just drop their pants and empty their bloody bowels and their bloody bladder either on their new settee or the carpet without any consideration to others, nor toilet paper FFS!! Another would have a poo in the dog’s dish (teas ready) FFS and another Dementia Dumper goes totally over the top he opens his upstairs bedroom window then he hangs out his fat arse and takes a pigging mile-long DUMP and the skid marks are still on the wall to prove it FFS!! Faeces (poo=sh.te=sh.t) seem to amuse some Dementia patients as they squelch the mucky stuff between their hands then wiping off the residue or yer wall or your soft furnishings my lovely, FFS! That’s what you call ‘full on Dementia’ (and the smell’s not all that nice neither pet) Maybe it’s time to move on?
But this one deserves an X Certificate FFS!! Another customer of ours had a grandfather who was physically removed from the family home because his last act was to take a dump at the top of the family stairs then shout for his grand-daughter to ‘come up the stairs Deirdre I’ve got something for you’ as the child got half way up the stairs he kicked the shit that he had just shat from the top step splat into the grandchild face, splat went the shit that he had just shat FFS, yes he kicked the shit into the grandchild’s face FFS, I mean is that not the ‘absolute pits of the shits’ or what FFS? (hilarious fun) Poor little granddaughter was very soon browned off? (and I think I am becoming a complete nutter) So, I mean, let’s all play KTS kick the shit at the kids FFS then kick it back into yer grand-dads face FFS! But you can’t do that in a bungalow can yer granddad you are an old fart) I mean, how could anyone in their right mind do something like that to a darling grand-daughter (a grand-son maybe) (especially those one’s that think they are all that and they’re not) ‘here is a face full of warm crap that I have just shat dear now go and take a pigging bath because you stink yer smelly little biatch’ FFS! I mean, what’s that all about kick him out of the house now FFS with his pee stained filthy shitty slippers and his skiddy grundies!! Same day!! First class post FFS!! FRO!! the now!! Yer B’stard! I am sorry but I must have one more “FFSake man”!!
A dear lady neighbour of ours was carer for her mother who at the age of 87-year-old her Dementia mother suddenly start beating her devoted caring daughter by hiding behind doors waiting for the daughter to come into view then punching her time and time again making her nose bleed and some serious body bruising. The physical and mental hurt was so immense for daughter that eventually Dementia ridden mother had to be carried off and put into a professional carers housing from which and where she will never return TTFFT. What a dreadful way for people to end their lives when they are totally unaware of the brutal unhappiness they are causing to their loved ones, their own family who they now ‘do not even know’ as the Demented person heads unwittingly to be prepared to meet their maker the sooner the better for them and others FFS. We have discussed this with Julia and she has asked that no resuscitation medicines are used to prolong her life, please! Julia is perfectly well behaved (so far) she cannot do anything for herself apart from eat and eat some more (bit like Lou really) but she does a very boring let’s fall asleep and eat your food very slowly, slowly in a trance like state’ making mealtimes a positive nightmare.
After supervising her mums bath Lou gives her-her own toothbrush with tooth paste on saying ‘you gotta clean your teeth’ She puts the brush down saying I will do it shortly, she comes to me telling me ‘Lou has just given me this what shall I do with it?’ Don’t tempt me mother in law dear, just shove it in your gob and make it work like your vibrator dear FFS! Mealtimes are without doubt the hardest part of the day which means stress times are amongst us, it would be rude to say ‘eat alone’ but her is totally oblivious of our presence anyway as the food magically appears so we just sit there in morbid silence watching the boring news. Julia’s only effort to make any conversation is to talk about the ‘little white fluffy clouds that she can see over the hills and far far away’ FFS it’s like the last supper every pigging night of the sodding year day in and day out! Calm down Geoff FFS man!!
Now then, when husband Gordon died her son Lou’s brother immediately said of his mother for whatever reason only he knows ‘put her into a HOME’ gullible motor-mouth Geoff (that’s me) said “You cannot do that to her she doesn’t deserve that, so after much deliberation I say let her come and stay with us” The arguments came backwards and forwards I did not want to see Julia go into a HOME, because of the war I had spent from my birth to ten years of my life in a brutal foster HOME in Croydon Surrey, amen! She is not going into a HOME amen!
My darling wife had always said to me “If my mother is left alone she is not coming to stay with us, do you understand Geoff” Yes darling, but you cannot put her into a HOME yet which makes for a great future for all concerned does it not my bird!! FFS!! Mealtime is finally over the hour has now approached for me to make my excuses and quietly disappear to my man-cave with a tremendous sigh of relief I say my farewells and run to where total sanity prevails well almost FFS!!
One of our gypsy family girls had bought an amazingly rude ‘fart gun’ for a pound at Truro Car Boot, I could see that this would amuse Julia so I bought it off the lovely gypsy girl for two quid. We had-had our evening meal so I planned a fart-break to relieve the monotony of near boredom with the fart-gun hidden, I dramatically pretended that the food that Lou had cooked had made me really ill so with a little over-acting from under the table I pressed the FART gun that let out a few glorious farts which Julia and Lou fell about laughing as I intimated my bowels were out of control, “I think I’ve got the shids FFS!! Great fun.
We so need a holiday away from each other just Lou and me and not your mother FFS! They call it Respite Care so if you my lovers have a Dementia sufferer and you are the Carer it is essential for all concerned that “YOU” must get a complete break to rediscover who you really are and you must somehow ‘get a small piece of your life back’ and I mean it! If you don’t you could become the next Dementia candidate my lovers! Warning One!
I have always wanted a Chi Wawa dog I promised and announced to the world that I would name him Mah-Willie (would you like to stroke Mah-Willie) but darling bossy boots Lou (4th and current wife) overheard a conversation with me and another woman whilst I was cuddling and stroking Mah-Willie in public saying to one of our regular lady’s “Would you like to stroke Mah Whillie?” the darling woman replied “Yes, if you would like to stroke my pussy please” What a challenge FFS! Lou immediately changed his name to Wilber (woman power) He has been a complete blessing cos as soon as Julia saw him she claimed him as ‘my dog’ they get on famously together, sometimes she cuddles and clutches him so effing tight to her bosoms-a-plenty the poor little bugger struggles like feck to get away from fighting against the flab man FFS!! (Did you know that according to what Gordon told me a few years ago that Julia has three boobs with one of them right in the middle of her back, she’s not much to look at but hell she is great fun to dance with FFS!) (When I told Julia about that she doubled up laughing) ‘Oh Geoff you do make me laugh and you make me happy’ Get out of that one my Lou. X Back to Mah Whillie, she so loves him to bits and will only release him when I shout ‘RABBITS-CATS’ then he struggles and scratches and claws like fcuk to be released from her vice grip gyrating enough to set himself free the poor little bugger, still worth a laugh though. I thoroughly recommend Chi Wawa’s especially for someone who has Dementia (you can only eat them one at a time though) they are so very affectionate and mischievous to all, he enjoys having special time for Julia as she tells and walks him around the rooms cradling and rocking him and telling him a story about guess what? ‘Little white fluffy clouds’ but of course FFS!
You can buy some great toys for only a few bobs at most boot sales which dogs love to play with but without mercy upon receipt of the ‘new toy’ they will marmalize it ripping its guts open known as the ‘KILL’ they leaving stuffing all over the bloody floors and furniture FFS. I had bought him a black and white stuffed toy dog bigger than himself for a quid from Newquay Car Boot which he absolutely adored so much so that firstly he chewed out the dog’s eyes then the randy little sod drags the submissive toy into the garden throws it up in the air a few times (you is my bitch) then he starts shagging away like stupid as he looks at our other dog fat bitch Nana Moon (you want some of this-you’re next) but she looks without interest having had it all taken away years ago watching his arse up going and down and backwards and forwards with such energetic thrusts FFS!
I shout to Julia to come and look at what Mah Willie is up to, she asks “Oh my goodness (posh voice) What’s he doing?” she asks, ‘What do you think he is doing Julia! he is bonking that toy dog I got from the Car Boot’ “What’s bonking?” asks Julia ‘Shagging dear just shagging’ “shouldn’t you stop him?” she asks ‘What the hell for? has anyone ever tried to stop you having a quick shag mother in law?’ Her sense of humour kicks in finding it all hilarious but when he realizes he is being watched he grabs the ‘stuffed’ toy and drags it behind the bushes where he cannot be seen but where he can have a peaceful shagging-bonk in him own time then the randy little ‘shid of a dog’ that he is he has the nerve to bring the abused toy into the kitchen drop it by Julia’s feet sopping wet which mother in law immediately rubs the defunked toy and tries to dry it out with the pigging tea towel!! Decision made, bin it, and the pigging tea towel! Great fun which Lou missed out cos her were watching (it’s me-time-time-out) some utter crap on the telly about American Housewives, are those women for real? I fear I know someone who could be heading ……………. Nope I won’t even go there FFS!
Now then, if I had Dementia I would like my own choice on how to conclude my own life and die with dignity because there is no way I would want to inconvenience those special people who work their balls off by keeping you alive when you are doing nothing for themselves nor society (‘for what? To suffer?’) and that their lasting memories of maybe weeks months or even years of me being a complete pain in the arse and a mindless B’stard to boot to all and sundry and me not knowing the hurt I am causing by being the complete arsehole that I am and a rapidly vegetating mass to the bitter end and at my departing. That’s not what I have fought for most of my life for to survive so long and to depart being a complete arsehole, no way! Give me the golden bullet let me go now, FFS!!
It is a pleasure looking after Lou’s mum Julia who on reflection has suffered Dementia for many years and many more years to come maybe but as long as she doesn’t do her an unannounced poo-craps on our settee or the carpets or anywhere other than the netty then she is welcome to our caring, for how long who knows? Lou is a wonderful carer but her gets extremely stressed at times and the sufferer is more often or not me FFS! No point in getting stressed dear is there she’s got Dementia!! Deal with it darling, no-one ever said life would be easy being a carer, did they?
For many years it has been my job to do the breakfasts so I set up the kitchen the night before to save time in the mornings, I lay out two trays with cereal bowls plates cups and cutlery. For days and more days Julia would go into the kitchen and on seeing the trays laid up would put everything away into the cupboards or the dishwasher or even the fridge or the bin or just pigging anywhere FFS! Now then, I am a right miserable B’stard in the mornings and my sense of humour is tetchy to say the very least so I was not amused by Julia’s sodding interference. I had said to her do not touch the trays that are set-up for your breakfast which she ignored. Finally, one evening I laid the same trays out with two fur-king great felt tip signs saying “Julia, do not touch FFS!”
I could not believe it when she walks into our bedroom without knocking totally unannounced (so I had to get off) with one of the signs she asks “What does FFS mean?” WHAT!! FFS!! As usual Lou was not amused with her mother barging into our privacy in the bedroom but I thought here we have this prim and proper 77-year-old (looks it) woman who was married for 50 odd years she has been a schoolteacher for 30 odd years she has had two kids of her own (only had sex twice or were they virgin births?) (To be returned unopened!) plus she used to have some really good old scraps and some right on ding- dong battles no less with her husband yet she does not know WTF FFS means, I mean is that a sheltered life or what ffs? She laughs heartedly once I have explained the expression FFS then she starts preparing to stay and sit on the bed and natter about ‘little white fluffy clouds’ all night that she had seen today, I politely tell her ‘Julia go to bed FFS! Could I ask for more entertainment that that? ‘They’re coming to take me away hah-hah, to the funny farm where life is beautiful all of the time?’ If you have someone in your lives who has Dementia treat them if possible with respect, kindness and understanding and try to get into their sense of humour and try to make them laugh at themselves and make them much happier than for then to just sitting around all day with a large open gob stance belting out the death rattle and waiting for Goddo to come along. But, if they treat you with NO respect and they are upsetting your family lives and they don’t even know ‘who TF are you FFS?’ and that all the love that you once shared as a united family is now lost and gone forever replaced by bitter memories for everyone concerned FFS! With the greatest of respect, it is time for them to ‘move on’ towards their demise in the meantime to go to the capable hands of professional carers homes or hospitals otherwise you will or could be ultimate loser as you could completely lose your marbles and end up with Dementia yourselves (second warning). The decision time for when they must go is yours to make for the peace and happiness of your own lives and your future for you and your family, then total peace of mind when you can then contemplate time away for a short holiday in the sun. Yeh!!!
Love you Lou, you are doing a wonderful job with your mum as her carer, a bit teasey at times (most of the time) dear. My escape from it all is to my man-cave (every man and woman should have one) for an hour or so and then another hour for a quiet smoke a rum & coke some decent music, peace perfect peace! Now then my lover let us book a holiday just for the two of us to go up into the skies up-up and away through those ‘little white fluffy clouds’ into another world to find ourselves and rekindle (nope, I am too knackered for that) our love for each other for at least a couple of weeks FFS.
There is absolutely NO OFFENSE meant in this blog to either my missus Lou nor my mother-in-law Julia. The biggest wake-up call that our marriage has ever encountered through over 30 years together is Julia’s Dementia. I do make light of it and I do get great laughs with her because of my sense of humour, Lou and I have both given Julia a very caring five star home which has seriously taken its toll on the special relationship and times Lou and I spent alone at Nancorras (time for a tear or two) take it seriously my lovers I hope Dementia does not enter your lives, be happy be lively hang your cap on your partners door love them to bits then some more and look after yourselves and your closest ones and live a long and a happy life without Dementia FFS!