Geoff Says
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SUNDAY at TRURO Car Boot Sale

We do all we can to provide a safe environment for the safety of all our customers following the guidelines of Cornwall Council. On Sunday we put a fresh 5 litre bottle of HAND SANITISER on the table for our customers Health & Safety so they may sanitise their hands whilst in our care.

Some miserable b’stard decided to steal the sanitiser thereby depriving our team and our customers of hand care at our sale. On the 5 litre container it states 70% Alcohol kills 99.99% Virus & Bacteria!!

Now then, may the person who stole the sanitiser drink the entire contents which are ‘fast acting’ and may their arse explode in their beds during the middle of the night for seven nights in a row followed by them growing ‘penis fish’ up their butt-plug for ever! cheers!!

Reply to

Posted 16/07/2020

Car Boot Sales this week; SATURDAY at 8.00 am at TRURO; SUNDAY at TRURO at 1.00 pm & SUNDAY at St Columb MAJOR at 2.00 pm; Coming soon; Mitchell & NEWQUAY. SOCIAL DISTANCING at all CBC events applies please, many thanks. X
BUYERS and SELLERS should bring there own sanitisers and hand wipes, as we are in the outdoors masks are OPTIONAL! ………………………………………..
Sellers should arrive at least one hour before the start of our Car Boot Sales. We would ask all of our customers to totally respect all other customers by social distancing. Our PUBLIC LIABILITY Licence protects all persons attending our events however this does not include CORONA-VIRUS infections! Enjoy your day and help us to safe distance when attending our events. Many thanks. Geoff and our CBC teams. Please note; Whilst we will have hand sanitisers you should have your own sanitiser and hand-wipes. NEWQUAY will start on THURSDAY the 23rd of this month. Be well-Be safe. Geoff

Reply to

After 31 years this is the only year we will not be able to operate Car Boot Sales at Falmouth due mainly to the lack of space to operate the sales within the guidelines of Cornwall Council. Locals will know that the military are conducting tests also at the club grounds however if we had over 30 sellers and say 400 buyers ‘safe distancing’ is at risk therefore reluctantly we will not be at Falmouth Rugby Club this year. We look forward to returning during happier times for all customers buyers and sellers. Geoff

Geoff Camden-Wiles
Mon 13/07/2020 14:40
Hello Mark,

We have given great concern as to how we would operate the Car Boot Sale at Falmouth taking into consideration the lack of use of the complete pitch and our compliance with the Cornwall Council guidelines regarding safe-distancing.

May I address your concerns regarding damage to the pitch, we started Car Boots Cornwall in 1989 at Falmouth Rugby Club in those day we were allowed the full pitch, not once did we damage the pitch and if you returned to the ground two days later there is no evidence of us being on site.

Since Paul became groundsman we have been allowed little use of the pitch over recent years!

Taking all into consideration the Cornwall Council guidelines for safe and social and safe-distancing we regret that in the interest of Public Safety we cannot operate Car Boot Sales at Falmouth for the reasons as above, we will be happy to return when either the virus is under control or there is a relaxation of the guidelines.

We wish Falmouth every success in these dreadful times.


Geoff Camden Wiles

Reply to

Our Landlord at Mitchell has asked that we do not use his fields for Car Boot Sales due to Corona Virus we totally accept his request, will move and re-open JUST across the road. There is no bad feeling no big gossip both Landlords get on very well together?

We are happy to have 3 fields that overlook the dual carriageway which is where we get most of our buyers from and we start ‘across the road’ on SATURDAY the 25th JULY at 12.00 noon and if you are a seller(don’t forget your hand sanitiser & wipes) you will be given plenty of selling space to display you selling items. Enjoy the move James is the Landlord and we thank him for his cooperation. Geoff and the team. x

Reply to

COVID 19 precautions;
You MUST maintain distance between yourself and your fellow customers at all times.
If buyers are crowding around your stall it is your responsibility to ask them to space out and wait their turn to be served.
Buyers have been asked not to touch items they do not intend to buy, if a buyer shows interest in any item please tell them of any imperfections.
Please have hand sanitisers and wipes available on your stall.
Consider cash transactions as a ‘risk’ all buyers should bring their own change ideally to pay the right amount for items you wish to purchase. Keep your money in one safe box in your boot, do not let your children play with the money.

Being outdoors is relatively a safe environment. UV light kills COVID 19, breezes and fresh air carry away impurities.
Do not be afraid but be aware!!

26th June 2020

Website Instruction for BUYERS
COVID 19 Precautions;

At all of the CAR BOOT SALES operated by Car Boots Cornwall we must ensure the buyers keep to the minimum distance of ONE METER please.
Please be polite and endeavour to KEEP YOUR DISTANCE you may have to Q for a while and whilst in the sale please make every effort to pay stall-holder the correct money!
Bring your own change we are not allowed to give change some buyers ‘may’ allow you to pay card payments.
Car Boots Cornwall will provide sanitisers and wipes for the use of our customers.
The wearing of masks is optional however ‘wearing a mask’ doesn’t make you look stupid it makes you look considerate’
If you are going to make a purchase ask the price and the condition of the item/s you wish to purchase. Only handle the item/s once you have PAID!

Being outdoors is relatively a safe environment. UV light kills COVID 19, breezes and fresh air carry away impurities.
Do not be afraid but be aware!!

26th June 2020

Reply to

To all Car Boot sellers and buyers who come to buy or sell at any of our Car Boots Cornwall locations we regret the delays in commencing our sales due to Corona-virus Pandemic.

I have asked Cornwall Council for any guidelines they recommend that we take into consideration for our reopening. I have received a reply from Neighbourhood & Public Protection | Cornwall Council in which there are up to 20 different guidelines we cannot ignore particularly with the Social distancing requirements. We would need at least 8-10 supervisory team members which are not affordable at most locations when considering Landlords rents Public Liability and portable toilets.

As a buyer just imagine not being able to inspect something you may wish to buy unless you buy it as with the clothing shops and stores do not touch unless you buy. As a seller the idea would seriously spoil your dayand kill the happy atmospheres that usually prevail at all Car Boot Sales.

I have decided Car Boots Cornwall will not run any Car Boot Sales until the 7th JULY 2020 when we can review the situation again however there could be further delays depending on the path of the virus and the social distancing is considerably safely reduced. This decision is taken in the interest of Public Health and to reduce the risk of Corona-virus spreading further in the South West.

I thank Cornwall Council for their cooperation and advice.

There may be Car Boot Sales who could operate without Public Liability Insurance which is most risky especially if you caught the Virus at the location and wanted to claim through their neglect, no chance!

I seriously advise people not to visit indoor Car Boot Sales where the spread of the virus could be catastrophic for all concerned?

Stay safe, stay well.


Reply to

HEARTLANDS the truth!

HEARTLANDS the truth;
Several years ago, Car Boots Cornwall were asked by the management of Heartlands if we would be interested in running Car Boots on their land. Lou and I visited and decided that we would not be interested because there were loads of other events going on involving young mums and their children and our Public Liability Insurance would not cover other activities than the Car Boot Sales and its customers. Another consideration was that we had tried Car Boots in Camborne at the Rugby Club which was run by LTC Catering and was a miserable failure not the fault of the caterers simply the wrong decision made by myself. I also decided to avoid Pool Redruth and Camborne as they were not happy with our admission charges which to explain briefly we do have considerable overheads starting with most Landlords wanting up to 50% of the takings, further huge costs involve staffing, toilets, publicity and travel so please do not think the we (that is me and Lou) are making fortunes cos we bloody-well aint me hansom!
I digress, I was most surprised to receive the following email for the management of Heartlands;

Ronnie Hughes
Thu 02/05/2019 20:49

I’d like to discuss a car boot here at Heartlands. Initially one in July, run by yourselves here on our 19-acre site.

As you may be aware, we are a charity for the local community and feel there is considerable mileage running this here at heartlands to generate income through perhaps a shared % entry fee.

May you be in touch to discuss the possibility further.

Many thanks


Ronnie Hughes MBIFM MinstLM
Facilities Operations Manager

I thanked Ronnie for his enquiry pointing out that I had already been contacted years earlier however Lou and I went to meet with him and to familiarise ourselves with Heartlands. Ronnie was over-enthusiastic that if we ran Car Boot Sales at Heartlands that the locals would happily pay up to £1.00 admission so we decided to give it a trial after Ronnie had offered to print thousands of leaflets and his teams would deliver them to all the houses surrounding Heartlands. I became suspicious that things were not going our way when we arrived when he sent me the following email;
From: Ronnie Hughes
Sent: 27 June 2019 12:44
To: Geoff Camden-Wiles; Amelia Commons
Subject: RE: Car Boots.

Hello Geoff,

Please see attached. I’ve been out to our external designer, cost £380 with 1000 leaflets including design. Are you happy with the draft before I print?

Notwithstanding your email regarding catering, would you be happy to agree we trade from our catering unit on the launch day only (03/07) to attempt to recover cost? Your catering thereafter….

The aforementioned, if agreeable, will support marketing pictures on launch day for us where I intend to get our photographer in on 03/07.

Many thanks.

Ronnie Hughes MBIFM MinstLM
Facilities Operations Manager

Now then, I have been around for a very long time and I absolutely know that I could go to my ‘external designer’ and he could supply me 1000 design and printed leaflets for around £60.00 so who is on the fiddle here then?

From: Geoff Camden-Wiles [mailto:]
Sent: 20 July 2019 18:02
To: Ronnie Hughes; Amelia Commons; Nigel Webber;
Subject: Leaflet Distribution;

Hello Ronnie,

Respectfully you have advised me on several occasions that you have had up to 3000 leaflets distributed in and around the Heartlands housing complex and other areas in Pool & Redruth. We know of at least 3 people who live at the above areas yet none of them have received any leaflets in connection with our joint promotion for Car Boot Sales.

One of our team members has researched a small area to find no-one has seen nor received leaflets, may I also point out that within you Red River Cafe where you have large amount of leaflets advertising various entertainments that are in Cornwall yet there is not a single leaflet giving any reference to our Car Boot Sales which I am sure you will find as disappointing as our team.
We are now approaching week 4 when we would anticipate well over 25 sellers and being able to charge sellers the full price to sell also to be able to charge buyers for a short period until business improves.

It may be that you are paying a team of distributors who are putting the leaflets straight into the bin?




Now then, a serious worry that we had was that Ronnie had told absolutely nobody on his staff that the Car Boot Sales would start until the day before our first sale but worse was that he had not told any of the diminishing shopkeepers at all of our arrival. I cannot imagine a worse situation than being a tenant-owner to arrive at their shops to find our bloody sellers are parked up and set-up and selling right outside their bleedn shops WAFN and they knew sweet sod-all about it ffs. How non-management is that? Ronnie had promised that the parking meters would be covered for our sales also none of our customers would have to pay for parking which pissed off lots of our customer who had paid because Ronnie kept his promise for one week only. Over the few weeks we were at Heartlands I got the impression that we would not succeed we had spent on all the brand new publicity signs we had gimmicked with money off vouchers and free to sell days and I personally waived all admission costs, the total effort made by our team with a few of our very respected loyal devoted sellers because here we were fighting an uphill battle because the Manager had totally reneged on his promise of his cooperation. This alleged hands-on Manager of Heartlands was disliked by the majority of his staff the shopkeepers a first-class maintenance team, the lot! In August we went on holiday on our return we had as you all know weeks and weeks to this very day of persistent rain, despite writing to Ronnie on several occasions rumours were that he had ‘done a bunk’ with the takings and whipped off all financial information from the pc screens including future bookings for weddings no less fs; read on!

Wendy Robinson
Thu 05/12/2019 09:20
Hi Geoff
Ronnie has left and I am the new COO. I agree the weather has been dreadful for the past three months and therefore the car boot has not been a great success.

I didn’t realise the parking machines should be covered up so maybe that’s my fault. If you come in, I’ll refund yours and Nigel’s money for you.

The biggest problem we had on site was visitors not knowing the event was cancelled as some of them don’t use Facebook. We had a lot of complaints that people had travelled for the car boot and then it wasn’t on. As soon as we knew from you, (via a message to Kevin) it was cancelled we would put it on our Facebook page to try and help but the negative feedback was not worth the effort. I know cancellations were mostly due to the weather but some Wednesdays were bright here and the car boot was still cancelled. As customers think Heartlands run the car boot privately any way, I think we will try and do it ourselves next spring and see how we go.

We have spoken to a lady who has enquired regarding hiring the hall for a car boot sale every two weeks. We can’t guarantee a specific date each week as we rent out the space for conferences but if she wants to hire the space herself for an event, she is welcome to.

If you would like to talk this through further please get in touch again.

Kind regards


Chief Operating Officer

T 01209 722329
Wendy Robinson
Thu 05/12/201

From: Geoff Camden-Wiles [mailto:]
Sent: 05 December 2019 13:25
To: Wendy Robinson
Subject: Re: Car Boot Sales

Hello Wendy,

Thank goodness for Heartlands that there has been a change of management!

Ronnie really put pressure to take on the Car Boot Sales despite the fact we had been asked before several years ago I agreed to give it all a second chance reluctantly. Ronnie was absolutely certain that it would be a success which it was not most of the recent weeks were spoiled by persistent rain.

Ronnie absolutely assured me that he had delivered thousands of leaflets around which was proven to be wrong as we have some of our customers who live on the actual Heartlands housing who claim they did not receive any leaflets.
I believe that the lady who asked about doing Car Boots in your function suite could be successful on a fortnightly basis but nothing is guaranteed in Redruth, Pool and Camborne.

May we wish you every success as the new boss and could I ask if members of your team could take our signs down and store them for us and I will ensure they are uplifted. I will advise our public of the decision not to continue however if you do decide to do Car Boots yourselves let me know the details and I will most certainly give publicity to your events.

Kind regards,

Geoff Camden Wiles

Hi Geoff

Thank you for your email, I have no idea what Ronnie was on!!

Would you mind if we kept the signs up until next spring as I’m just about to wrap a Santa’s grotto poster around them to advertise our Christmas event. This would really help me out.

Thank you

Wendy Heartlands, Dudnance Lane, Pool, Redruth, Cornwall, TR15 3QY
From: Geoff Camden-Wiles [mailto:]
Sent: 05 December 2019 13:36
To: Wendy Robinson
Subject: Re: Car Boot Sales

Go for it Wendy, let me know when they should be collected, had we of been working with you we may have had success but Heartlands is a hard task, good luck!

Geoff Says;

So that is the truth about us and Heartlands a total loss to ourselves and certainly no income for them. This is a really happy location with wonderful freedom for mums and dads and their young children to enjoy and play happily over the 18-acre complex.


This man was totally ‘up himself’ with his 40s gay salon style dyed blondish yellow hairstyle (description by our Nigel the man in the know) but acting totally outside of the real world and out of touch with his decent team of workers and a few shopkeepers. Now then, I am not casting Nasturtiums but there are all sorts of rumours that Ronnie has fiddled the Heartlands Registered Charity Complex but I won’t be spread rumours that cannot be substantiated. My own personal opinion of Ronnie was that firstly the man was totally-totally up himself and that he lacked the ability to be the hands on real Manager he treated people with total ignorance and disregard disrespect as though they were all nutters and that he was the only sane one amongst the rest which is totally wrong, only one nutter here Ronnie mate ‘Twas you!!


Reply to


WOTY (Wanker of the year)
Over many years I have come to know thousands of really decent men we have a chat they go their way but there is always the odd person who wants to have a moan some lack respect for my fellow car boot people. One such man to avoid of whom I seriously do not know his name and I don’t want to know neither but he has been around the car boots for years, he collects all catering equipment that is on sale for him to then resell at inflated prices at his shop. Quite often he is brutal with his bartering but as he leaves the car boot time and again, he loads and reloads his estate car up with all of his purchases to sell on. He likes to show off and brag to me about some of the bargains he has bought, the last time he showed me a box full of catering gear ‘worth about seventy quid that I only paid a fiver for and look at this only a quid, they must all be king mental’! I reply ‘do not be rude about my customers but I do agree they must be mad to serve you-an ungrateful sod! FRO! This is a man to avoid if he thinks my customer sellers are all mental? they are so not mental only half of us are FFS, anyway during the elections he likes to put up signs for the Brexit party giving leaflets out which my team have to pick up from the ground later so generally this man bloke is a PITA (pain in the arse) upgraded to a PITFA ffs!

A couple of weeks ago Nigel and I were in the car park when Pitfa approached carrying an electric screwdriver claiming “I took it home and it doesn’t work so I want you to help me get my money back and the bloke who sold it to me have refused to give me my money back” I looked at the screwdriver which was filthy he assured me it was ‘like that when I bought it’ so the major question is “when did you buy it” ‘About six months ago’ “What, six months you cheeky sod you are here every bloody week and you want me to get you a refund you must be joking, I am definitely on the sellers side, no way would I support you to get a refund!” PITFA was white with rage as he stormed away to confront the seller returning back to the car park and totally blanking me. Did I care? not one jot!

At the selling area later a really nice worried looking gent a regular seller walks up “Geoff did you just get a complaint about me”? ‘I certainly did and I told him that I would not help him to get a refund and that I was on your side the man is ridiculous bringing it back demanding a refund after keeping the screwdriver for 6 months’ “Six months, he is telling lies because he has had it over a year he just brought it to my stall and slammed it on my table and walked off, what shall I do with it”? ‘Clean it up get it working then sell it again my lover’ So my nomination of the WOTY award (Wanker of the Year) is PITFA ffs and I bet he never speaks to me again, what a stunning result! He knows who he is and so do loads of other ‘respectful dealers’ Wanker-wanker!

Reply to

My recent blog concerning Rosie and her recent accident was totally tongue in cheek and a bit of a wind-up nothing more therefore I apologise for nothing. Get well soon Rosie and whoever else is suffering illness. X

We know how difficult it is to be in the company of a serious illness with Julia my (mother in law) whom we have looked after for 3 years with her Dementia.
Throughout all the difficult times a sense of humour has been absolutely vital at all times. I rest my case! Geoff. x

Reply to

Dear customer welcome to Portugal.
Cornwall; any day for the last couple of months!
It is 4am the rain is chucking it down with a vengeance outside of my man cave, our 3 male Alpacas are still grazing in the heavy drizzle pissing down on the lush green grass that is growing to abundance whilst the heavens decide that I will have to cancel yet another figging Car Boot Sale due to the ground conditions being soggy. I feel sorry for the hundreds of sellers and buyers at all locations with the weather affecting their incomes all I can do is to sympathise with them which is not a lot of good but it’s a start! The constant cancelling of Car Boot Sales also affects ourselves and our working teams and our Landlords so if the Car Boot does not go ahead then nobody gets paid not one penny, the Caterers lose out the toilets don’t get paid and the Communities of people who ‘love their Car Boots’ do not get their weekly visits which like the heavens thoroughly pisses on everyone’s fireworks so to speak. Sorry my lovers, is all I can say we just have to turn the other cheek hold your balls tight and wait for the weather to change FFS. I’m thinking of signing on don’t you know, I’d love to get a job in one of they there Ann Summers sex shops like in Truro selling and demonstrating all of those vibrating sexual aids and then there’s the crotchless male or female knickers, let your fairy or your Mary or your hairy todger all hang out for a breath of fresh air ffs, great fun!!
Enough is enough what with the weather and mother in law playing up with her Dementia which is gradually getting worse so we go through these very silent periods when suddenly her breaks out with a conversation entirely to herself which is utter rubbish and nonsensical which stresses my lovely wife but not me, I join in and why not? We (me) have discovered that at evening meal times to watch a bit of the news which her pays attention to then we change channels to watch ‘You’ve been Framed’ which makes her really happy and chuckling nay laughing so if you have some dear old or young fart with Dementia who you are a carer for then let them laugh at the stupidity of the programme and if they seem to really like it and laugh a lot record a couple of shows then play them to your beloved dementated person time and again, they won’t remember WTF they have seen. So, with repeated playing of your recordings which unfortunately they are watching a programme that will go into their minds for seconds then alas it’s gone and forgotten lost forever, bit like smoking weed really! But then if it makes them laugh it is very rewarding. It’s 4.00 am I have been up since 2 with serious leg pains and cramps, a couple of smokes rum and cokes and the pains have eased up. I am going to get stents put into my legs soon. Back to Julia, her makes me laugh with her gobble-de-gook slush puppy nonsense chit-chat but she is happy, she’s got Dementia ffs. Julia is a nice person but her has now resorted to stealing things and storing them amongst her ever-growing piles of single pieces toilet paper so we have to ask “Did you take the post to your bedroom?” She denies all but Lou finds several letters unopened with instructions ‘do not open’ all in Julia’s own handwriting, one of her premium bond winnings of £25.00 dating back 3 months were amongst her ‘stolen pile’ the dear of her. The day before we were due to drop her off for her holiday the lovely Sian arrived to find dear Julia washing her cup her cereal bowl her plate her cutlery and yes you have guessed it, down in the bog the toilet ffs the dirty old moo so she is, her seriously needs a break from we and we need a break from she ffs see and from now her very own cutlery cup and saucer the lot, Sean was slightly baffled as to the brown water in the now washing up bathroom toilet ffs was from a floating tea bag or from something more sinister ffs!! We took Julia to the Kenwyn Care Home in Truro to see if she would be happy to stay there at enormous cost which she would pay for herself. She agreed to stay, ‘no other option available dear’ we booked a 10 day stay in the Algarve-Portugal at an apartment self-catering with a hire car which we would have to pick up on arrival at the airport, then it’s off to go find where we are going to stay for the next 10 days ffs! We drop Julia off her cries, we don’t, we are now on our respite holiday away from it all, let’s get our marriage back to normal, peace perfect peace or perhaps not!
Welcome to Portugal!
For a moment of madness on my part I had decided that I would not drive the car hired so Lou would be totally in charge of the driving and the reality of making that decision was rammed home by her realizing that her had to drive from the airport on the opposite side of the road and that her gear stick was now on her right which caused me to agree with the madness of myself that I had definitely and totally made the wrong decision in the first place, sod it I should be in the driving seat. ‘You didn’t tell me it was the other side of the road’ her says yes, “Oh but I did sez I just go for it dearest, don’t pull out fs my god that was close’ Portugal is full of bloody roundabouts (lets go for a spin sometime) her negotiating them all with extreme caution held up other traffic, I could see the clearly road ahead of us but my darling wife now has a stream of traffic behind her and believe me the drivers are getting some pissed off with several risking life and limb to overtake and to get out of the frigging way of this bleeding car, bloody tourists! I can see in my mirror the convoy we now have trailing into the distant background behind us ffs! It reminded me of our Atlantic Highway here in Cornwall on the way to Wadebridge we live near the river, do drop in some time! So you want to go out for an easy journey into say Truro and you join a stream of figging traffic on both sides of the road called the Atlantic Highway and you get ficking held up by bleeding tractors out for a joy ride so there’s a ‘nil chance to overtake ffs’ these two Cornish men farmer folk (folk off fer folks sake) tractor drivers they be texting each other like fury and having a bloody good double chinned laugh fs “I’ve got bout 63 cars and lorries following me says Benjamin how many of they there cars following av oo got Roger” I beat yer says Bengy ‘I’ve got bout 74 of them there drivers and some of they are going near firkin apeshit berserk ffs! It’s true, and if you do get the chance to overtake the missus screams “Don’t pull out ffs” How can you win fs!
Back to Portugal, I am sitting in my passenger seat trying to hide from the single fingers and ‘wanker’ hands shaking out of all sides of each passing vehicle including bloody cyclists ffs to my dearest wife who couldn’t GAF she is certainly not influenced by their impatience. Pull over and let them all pass ffs I wanted to say but I was getting shid scared. We eventually pull over streams of traffic go by the drivers are staring at us morons for their delays “We are from Cornwall dont you know you’ve got to make allowances for that fs!” Her reversing skills are better that her forward skills if you know what I mean we arrived back at the apartment on the second day her reversed back into the car space I politely told her “You are so much better driving backwards than forwards, stop now” OMG ffs I do wish I would keep my figging gob shut at times.
So, now we have a clear road her drives out when suddenly I realise and scream ‘we are on the wrong king side of the road ffs ‘Don’t you shout at me’ her shouts. OMG and this is only day one of the holiday ffs. We have sat-nav in the car all in Portuguese great help that one, with some idiot jabbering on like fcuk and we don’t know WTF he is on about we don’t know one effing word of their language f! We eventually arrive at the apartment (that’s twice) knackered but still alive, I stagger out of the car and get accused of overacting not true, ‘welcome dearest’ I uttered but the words were kept in my mind, I seriously need to unwind, I am still alive, I need a smoke ffs. The weather is amazing with brilliant hot sunshine for almost the entire 10 days, the apartment was situated amongst loads of other new blocks of smart apartments like living in a concrete jungle however the letting industry is suffering with poor figures so there were a lot of the apartments up for sale say at around 250 grand my lovers nice that they are they aint worth 250 grand I’d start at one and a half mate ffs! Ours is 2 years old nicely appointed kitchen with a great balcony next to a five-star hotel and not a lot of traffic to disturb the peace. My Lou went to the hotel to find out what sort of menu there was. Her didn’t get to the main courses cos her was stunned that some of the starters alone were upwards of thirty quid that’s like sixty quid for two starters the size of two turdy sausages ffs, bollox to that! I mean when we go out to eat, we eat well so I recon we are talking over a hundred plus quid each, fcuk that she aint worth that and I am certainly not fs, in any event we came to enjoy self-catering and keeping ourselves to ourselves but the fear of going out in the dark could become a reality wtf next fs!
We needed provisions and wondered if there are any Lidl or Aldi stores in Portugal when low and behold and therefore and beyond (I am whilst writing this without pain, I’m happily stoned so please make allowances)

OMG its back into the car again but this time I feigned an illness that would mean me having to lie down on the back seats so I cannot see WTF sort of complications my darling wife is creating the dear of her, be afraid be very afraid I tell myself, then on queue her stands on her brakes and I am shot off the back seat and jammed between hers and the sodding seat I should be sitting in if I were not so fricking frit ffs! Eventually we found both stores almost opposite sides of the huge double roundabouts. Brilliant, but for some reason known only to herself her drove round the roundabout three or could have been four times and somehow without shopping at all we are heading into the exit lane wtf happened there? I was having serious dizzy spells at the time fs! She decides let’s spin off here and go into the Aldi store first to see how they cope with their dreaded ‘Dear Customer’ announcements as experienced at the Wadebridge store! To tell the honest truth we spent half an hour in both Lidl and Aldi store on 4 occasions each which were much-much busier than our Aldi & Lidl stores so guess how many announcements there were? Not one! Some of the locals who shopped in Lidl & Aldi were rude buggers and mouthy sods in their own tongues of course lounging around blocking up the aisles (bit like Wadebridge really) some of they seemed to need lessons in how to push a trolley and polite manners please and less drinking before 10.00 am please, and that’s just the women fs. I did get on well with the oldies especially the local grannies the dear of them whose politeness and granny smiles were well worth the journey, they thought I were lovely but then we were all very short-sighted you know what I mean. Cost of living seems equal to the UK, Aldi and Lidl are a great partnership with all residents and tourists in Portugal.
The Portuguese communities have the cleanest roads we have ever encountered no litter on the streets with bins shaped like huge golf balls supplies for all and sundry to use for your recycling which is very creditable to the country, the people take great pride with the presentation of their towns and gardens plus amazing trees all serviced to perfection by local councils and the Portuguese people. 10 out of 10 for them all, but they do let themselves down with the population not taking notice of the amount of annual deaths caused by the smoking of killer disease cigarettes with poisons nicotine and tobacco. Piles of fag ends are laying outside some of the public buildings and regretfully smoking is allowed in restaurants and other public areas so that is a major minus for Portugal. In fairness I noticed the smoking of weed in some public areas on several times, go weed! I had taken enough of my herbal mixture which each time I go abroad I wonder if I would get stopped but going through customs Portugal Airport was a doddle with no great security presence, in any event if they stopped me the mixture I use of Farmers Blend and Cannabis herb which would not set any alarm bells going off, my doctors are aware of my use of Cannabis that’s good enough for me.

The populations of Portuguese people all seem to be leaner than the UK I did not see any of the fatso kids and their bloated parents like we see around the Car Boots in Cornwall (all holiday-makers from oop country like) almost daily proving poor diets for many families with low incomes the dear of them all fs. We have been to the Algarve several times the weather was at its best which we experienced during September with rain probably for a couple of hours in ten days.
Would we go again? Most certainly! But I would drive, I love my wife dearly which is news to me after wot I have been through, my nerves are shagged out, don’t pull out FFS!! I were chatting with two lovely people (well she’s a bit gorgeous) at Truro who were going on holiday to Portugal to get away from the pesky grand-children (and the grand-kids cannot wait for them to bugger off neither my bird, they love you though) They were going for a week after we got back, going all-inclusive to a 4 Star Hotel. He embarrassed himself by standing close to the sea in his 70s shorts thinking he was all that. I’m not saying he is a big sod but there was an announcement ‘please would the fat bloke in the hideous shorts move out of the way the tide wants to come in FFS! They said the weather was great (bit cold at nights) their Hotel was good but the food at the hotel was ‘bloody awful’ so they went out to eat because the same food is repeatedly offered day after day and quite often some of the same plated foods lasted all week ffs! Lou and I planned to go self-catering all along we just needed a complete break just the two of us away from Julia and time alone, we didn’t want to go out at nights taking into consideration my fear of my darling wife’s unbelievable driving skills that has now got all of Portugal talking about fs. You would think that we laughed about it oh no, it was much too serious for that! My nerves are totally shagged out and fuct and with the greatest of pleasure for me as we hand the unscathed car (miracle) back to the car hire miserable sods that they were, we board the plane back to the insanity of home life in Cornwall and back to Julia who has apparently cried a lot the dear of her. I cried with tears of joy when I saw my very own car ffs! But in fairness to my Lou her driving skills are more settling here in Cornwall so to speak (liar) Welcome, we are back to dear old Cornwall which has been pissing down for several weeks and guess what it is still pissing down today ffs creating weeks of cancelling one Car Boot Sale after the other ffs. Such is life. Portugal is lovely, amen!

I spent many happy hours on the balcony having the odd few smokes with a rum and coke relaxing and watching and studying the CNN & MSNBC American news channels which are brilliantly presented by some of the most professional world class male and female presenters in a high drama style with hot news coming in almost by the minute. The news of the day all day and every pigging day is about the impeachment of the worst President in American History a white supremacist and total arsehole to boot Donald J. Trump and his band of frigid Republican orange-nosed B’stard followers all supported with total bilge dust verbal crap from lying Fox News presenters up his bum biased towards Donald Trump who has promised that if he does not get a second term of office in The White House there could be ‘civil war in the streets’ Well bully for you Donald, you are a crook a jerk and a liar, you have divided America with your double-dealing efforts you are a World-wide laughing stock that will take years to repair for the United States, so why don’t you FRO the now FFS no “prid-pro-quo = something for something” you are a schmook a racist a sexist and ferking ugly to boot you have no respect for women you are disloyal to your missus and you have lied to the American public over twenty thousand times in 3 years man as recorded by CNN you are a threat to world peace especially if that idiot Boris (Doris to his gay friends from Torquay) gets into power at number 10 for 5 pigging years the NHS will not be safe as Boris plans to sell sections of our NHS ffs! Hey Donald, “how’s your love in relationship with North Korea are you still ‘in love’ with Kim Jon Un the dear of him, bombs away?

You could have should have done so much for America, you’ve failed, you are the weakest link so FRO the now and may you get permanent lock-jaw after you have been rejected and impeached and removed from office then you can take your rotten and corrupt family away far-far away into the hills over the seas to Alcatraz to await justice for what you have done dishonourably to gain benefits for the Trump Dynasty which is soon going to crumble once the impeached President gets his tax bills and is sent to another place to shut his gob once and for all FFS! Go now, your fired!! He could hopefully go to prison for a very long time with his mate motor-gob-shite lawyer Juliane (another crim) then we will all have peace perfect peace. My personal hope for the 2020 Presidential race was Kamala Harris who has a brilliant CV but her cannot raise absolute fortunes to really take part in the race so has reluctantly withdrawn the dear of her. Go Kamala! God Bless America, never been there never wanted to, never will, Amen!

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