Subject: Geoff Says Birthday Post
Date: Thu, 29 Oct 2015 12:21:30 +0000
Hi Geoff,

I was wondering whether you could make a Happy Birthday post on your Geoff Says Blog for my friend Will Pleming from London, he is one of your biggest fans and I know it would make his day.
Would this be possible?
Kind regards,
Oliver
Hello Will,

Your mate and bosom pal Oliver has asked me to post HAPPY BIRTHDAY to Will cos you are one of my greatest fans, its official you are the only one. Oliver tells me if I post this for you he will take you and all your mates out for a GIANT piss-up and he will pay!

Enjoy your day!

Geoff
From:
To:
Geoff, An absolute massive thank you for wishing me a happy birthday on ‘Geoff says’! Sorry for the late thank you but as Oli says, I have been nursing a pretty hideous four day hangover… A truly big fan of the blog and an excellent idea from Oli, it really made my day 🙂 can’t wait to pop down to Cornwall for another car boot soon!!
All the best
Will
That is great of these two gentlemen Londoners to appreciate our website and our wonderful Cornwall Car Boot Sales. Some of the Car Boots up country especially around London are frightening and bullying so I can understand how they enjoy the peace and tranquillity of Cornwall and its lovely people. I could never imagine living back in London again so I know the relief these two will experience when they arrive in Cornwall for further education and a bit of fishing yet still trying to get over a 4 day hangover.
Just imagine that, 4 days to get over getting so overly and utterly pissed out of your minds (were you stoned as well?) and completely out, gone, and you don’t remember WTF you have been up to for the last 7 days and you are totally skint FFS! So out of the first 4 days you spend ‘getting over it’ and for the first 2 days you spend sitting and shitting and squitting and barfing and wrenching up yer guts with vomiting and wishing that a quick death would take over! What amazing fun, what a near death experience FFS! Great vomiting and frollicking fun but you then you say I will never ever do that again. Oh yes you will, so stop telling lies, you’ll be there in the front of the Q!!
Not for me, been there-done all that several times over and it gives me such a bleeden headache thinking about it! Great days. Where in Newcastle the Geordie men were Newcastle Brown drinking men and the Geordie women loved and adored Geoff to bits time and time again (but the men never found out) some of them still do and I am a loud mouthed big headed bragging old twat but it’s true it’s all true FFS!
Trouble is they are a bunch of old fogies now occupied with breaking in Zimmer frames for the “funny fanny farting folks farm at Frigidity FFS” for the furking over 100s and fellow foking folkers.

By the way a woman was pushing a supermarket trolley around one of our sales at Newquay and nosey old me asked her if the trolley belonged to Morrison’s. “No it was given to me by the NHS, I have a spine condition and leaning on this trolley aids my walking” What a wonderful idea!
My attitude about this 5p charge (another stealth tax) on all carrier bag is why pay 5p when you can get a trolley for a quid FFS! Seriously, these bloody rich supermarkets make enough money so the bags should be given on a goodwill basis.

And, and all these supermarkets that raise billions in profit should start building houses where they have their stores for all those people (and their customers) without homes at a “Not to exceed £99 thousand quid with a 5% deposit” for those homeless starting with the Cornish people first please if you don’t mind! What do the stores get out of the deal? Life tenants, life customers and a two way loyalty, that’s how to create happier communities. Tesco’s Tenements! Sainsbury’s Village! Morrison’s Homes! Lidl’s Apartments!! Get your money out you Chief Executives and invest in your customers and in their local Communities!! Invest into the future for ‘yours and ours’ country FFS!

Will & Oliver,
When you come to Cornwall introduce yourselves (it won’t get you anywhere though) however I would like the introduction to be blessed with one of the fish that you steal out of our St Pirran’s Land and Cornish shores and waters my lovers!! I could not think of anything more boring than fishing lads I mean I am not being disrespectful or rude but don’t you yawn all the time? I would be asleep in minutes, I am falling asleep writing this FFS!!

Ps; Could you spare 2 fishes please, I would like to give my friend Ann one, but then who wouldn’t?

Geoff
X
PPs; Filleted please. G
PPs; would you save the giblets for my cat ‘Puss-Off’ please? G.

About seven years ago a man from Penryn was found guilty of having sex with a cat, Claude Balls of the High Street, Penryn was found guilty and was sent to a cattery kennel to be fed only on Kit-e-Cat for 6 months. Last Thursday Claude Balls broke his back trying to lick his own arse FFS!!
(Clawed Balls) (Sex with a cat = clawed balls) get it?