Hello my beloved, It’s my pleasure to contact you to seek for your urgent assistance inthis humanitarian social investment project to be establish in yourcountry for the mutual benefit of the orphans and the less privilegedones, haven’t known each other or meet before, I know that everythingis controlled by God as there is nothing impossible to him. I believethat you and I can cooperate together in the service of the Lord,please open your heart to assist me in carrying out this benevolentlyproject in your country. I am Mrs. MARIA EDSON. A dying widowhospitalized undergoing treatment for brain tumor disease, I believethat you will not expose or betray this trust and confidence that I amabout to entrust on you for the mutual benefit of the orphans and theless privileged ones. My late husband made a substantial deposit withthe Bank which I have decided to hand over and entrust the sum of($11,500,000.00 Dollars) in the account under your custody for you toinvest it into any social charitable project in your location or yourcountry. Based on my present health status I am permanently indisposedto handle finances or any financial related project. This is the reasonwhy I decided to contact you for your support and help to stand as myrightful beneficiary and claim the money for humanitarian purposes forthe mutual benefits of the less privileged ones. Because If the moneyremains unclaimed with the bank after my death, those greedy bankexecutives will place the money as an unclaimed Fund and share it fortheir selfish and worthless ventures. However I need your sincerityand ability to carry out this transaction and fulfil my final wish inimplementing the charitable investment project in your country as itrequires absolute trust and devotion without any failure. Meanwhile Itwill be my pleasure to compensate you with part of the total money asmy Investment manager/partner for your effort in handling thetransaction, while the remaining amount shall be invested into anycharity project of your choice there in your country.Please I’m waiting for your prompt response if only you areinterested. I will send you further details and the bank contactdetails where the fund has been deposited for you to contact the Bankfor immediate release and transfer of the fund into your bank accountas my rightful beneficiary.RegardsGod bless you and your familyMrs. MARIA EDSON.
Geoff Says, I will only agree to this if you marry me? XX RUGIB (are you good in bed)
Now then, What a Shame What a shame, our beautiful LADIES FOOTBALL TEAM lost on the last hurdle but these ladies need not feel shame, they have represented our Country with grace and skill far better than Spain but when it’s not your day so turn the other cheek keep playing but have a good rest with your families be proud you did great for our multi millions of your fans, we love you, I am choking up a bit, sniff sniff!! Love you! But, what about the idiot the Spanish football guru who snogged on with one of Spain’s not very attractive players by holding her her head with both hands man and giving her an unwanted hard kiss on the pigging lips ffs and the world of ladies/women went berserk and so they should, with permission fs! Now then, I confess I have personally been kissed also I have kissed loads of the lovely lady lips in my time but I have sought lady permission, well I haven’t actually said “please may I kiss you on your lips upstairs or downstairs” cos it just happened right! So, the question is when did you last snog yer missus mate, but I mean in time you do forget so here’s a quick peck on the cheek pet is more than enough, I mean, if you have been married over 30 odd years but it doesn’t mean you do not love her any more than your girlfriend does it my mates? and to any of you who are playing the field and not telling your partner ‘I am shagging around with someone else ‘fair play’ but don’t tell me because I will either blackmale you or tell your partner, god I am some stoned, did you know that for the last three outdoor in the field Car Boot Sales at Truro I have had people come up to say “There’s some people over there smoking weed” seriously wtf do you want me to do about it instead I politely say “If they are selling could you buy some for me please”
That BARSTARD Putin is the worst CRETIN that has ever supped up gods FREE fresh air, an ugly shite that figging no one, not even entire countries has the balls to take the turd out, like blown his balls off! He is totally to blame for the crisis of some of Cornwall’s families struggling to pay their bills because the prices have shot up since this fluking war caused by his friendship with another total garbage arse ole Trump from the USA!! It is now time for the World to stop spending our billions of dosh on supporting the war on bombs and tanks and destruction of another country ffs! Why do my fellow people have to live in this crazy world of wars, we came into the world peacefully, didn’t we? We are supposed to live our life in peace and happiness with our families! Be happy, live happy, be nice to your family and them next door if you must, you have but one life, live it my lovers in peace ffs!!
GIVE UP FAGS FFS!!
The bloody British weather has been very unfair to our business this year so far so I sympathise with sellers and buyers missing the pleasures of buying and selling on several of our cancelled car boots because of the pissing rain, We are unfortunately in the business that if we cancel a Car Boot then no-one gets payment of any sort, we dont, our Landlords don’t, the toilet hire company don’t, and our staff don’t because they stay tome all day and have to communicate with the wife or the hubby and the kids ffs! I know of one of our customers who has got 56 grandkids and he is seriously ‘pig sick’ of em all and would like run away! I wish he would, he is quite a pain in the arse for himself when his suppositories keep popping out (that is so cruel of me, he is a nice bloke has a good sense of humour, (I fking hope so ffs) but in fairness he has a lovely wife and her is in total control, like all wives (ttfftffs) nice couple (well she is)! Now then a bit of Car Boot business, firstly a decision was made after the influence of a Landlord that Mitchell would go ahead but was abandoned because of the dreaded weather ffs, Penryn Campus was off as well, now then;
Buyers; When you buy from a stall and you ask the seller to look after your purchases DO NOT forget ffs to collect them before you leave to go home, it happens almost every Car Boot Sale fs, don’t forget see, and don’t blame the other half cos the buyer has the rights to resell your purchases after two weeks see!! “Be aware that there are some miserable B’stards or sods who want to either steal you dosh or items from your stall, be secure concentrate, Don’t smoke fs, keep off your mobile, stop eying the talent (just ask for their numbers) you are in charge of a selling area the size of your bathroom fs” Your target should exceed £75 for men and £100.00 for ladies (cos women do it better see) X We love you all (well at least some of you) enjoy your life, look in the mirror be happy with yourself, you are what you are, you are who you are my lovers, deal with it fs, you are a miracle to modern science (allegedly ffs) but you’ve got what you’ve got which may be not a lot so suck it up man (that could be nice, with practice) but that’s life my man, shit like that happens in the real world don’t it though, but my lovers be happy with YOU cos YOU is the main lady or gent on this planet in your life so be good in this god awful world in a war that is not ours but you are alive so live your life in happiness around the folks you live with and love dears! And if you’ve fallen on hard times (been there) take it on the chin sort it out, find a job some of you but be in charge of your own lives cos no bugger owns YOU cos YOU are your very own real personage and love yourself forever, now that’s what you call loyalty dears!! Now then some of you will say WAALOBs Some haven’t read nor will they ffs, others will say “Typical Geoff Says, stoned again” But but but, I am now out of it and on my third toke of the early morning, out of pain so happiness abounds for a couple of hours, so I don’t gaf my birds!
I often get suggestions to hold early morning Car Boot Sales like in the old days at Truro and Hayle 8.00 am sales which no doubt the Cornish people and their visiting guests have well supported over many years, times change, any ideas for a venue would be well accepted but then would we get support?
Karen Dearest! America!
Over the years we have had Christian names of thousands and millions of ladies however in the US of A the name that is going through the bleeden wringer at the moment is Karen ffs! Karen’s are America’s most hated women who are horrible to neighbours especially if the neighbours are black, they will complain about everything bit like our TV programme Neighbours from hell but KAREN is far far worse they cause havoc and misery to their poor people next door starting fights one old biatch told her black neighbour who was enjoying preparing a barbeque for his family next door Karen started shouting over the fence “I don’t flunking want a barbeque next to my house” her leaned over the fence fs with a hose put the figging BBQ out whilst spraying his kids and mrs with fricking cold water did Karen, next she decides to spray the word ‘niggers’ in red paint on the mans car, eventually the police arrived and locked Karen up but who wants to live next door to a figging complete and utter nutter like that ffs, I mean there are films on You Tube on the destruction and unhappiness these USAs Karen’s are causing in every state and it’s getting out of control. The worst KAREN’S are locked up in prison some lifers for their rotten behaviour in society. If you have You Tube you can see the disruptions habits and of some of KAREN’S fighting the police to avoid being arrested, the dears of them (no, not the police) KAREN’S!! By the way, I have never known a KAREN so if your name is KAREN then tell me and I will export you to America’s DONALD TRUMP who is the equivalent and male opposite to a KAREN and a flunking idiot to boot and of course he lost the Erection the lunatic spud faced B’stard who is ruining America day by day! Biden is doing a great job but America will soon have a lady President Kamala Harris, with luck! And TRUMP could be in prison fs.
GIVE UP FAGS SAVE YOUR LIFE, YOU ARE WORTH IT fs!! Geoff
If any of the following offends you, I am not sorry you have the right to your opinion from there on in, I don’t gaf! so there I will still write ffs !! Love you, XXX
Yo yo, my man and my good lady and the others who are not sure, it’s pigging August fs, it’s 4am and it’s pissing down outside and it’s Saturday and I am pretty fairly stoned so I have to make a decision ‘Will Mitchell & PENRYN Campus Car Boot Sale go ahead’ after receiving the view of my team and a Landlord, and the ground conditions so for the moment 4 hours to go so I don’t care ATM so lets press on with the pads darlings and gossips. The reasons that I am so highly (stoned) is my legs woke me up with severe pains, I have been on new pills for 2 months to no effects at all so a smoke of two or more rums and cokes will help me cope with the pains amen!
Now then, now then my lovers we are all so proud of the British Ladies Football Team who have put England Britain and the United Kingdom well on the map for the future of womens football skills Worldwide and they have done it all without IAN WRITE ffs, motor mouth, nice bloke, knows it all, knows sweet fa, only scored 10 goals in his entire career for ENGLAND and yet these ladies have scored 666 Goals for ENGLAND between themselves, now isn’t that amazing “GO FOR IT ENGERLAND!! By the way Ian Write has two lovely daughters who are following in their fathers football steps and from what we have seen these young ladies will certainly be in the England team and score more goals each, more than daddy fs!!
Our team of nice looking young ladies were a total credit today as they beat Columbia 2.1 in a hard fought match again a credit to all of their millions of supporters, with respect our team are good lookers but compared with some of the female players from all over the world a few had faces more familiar to men, didn’t they though? Talking about football I have supported Newcastle since 1967 and our team got to 5th position in the Premiership but then the idiot Alan Shearer another motormouth like Ian Write (I think that’s how you spell his pigging name) Shearer is now forecasting Newcastle will not do it again, well bolax to your thoughts Shearer you overpaid nerd as a journalist who seldom gets his predictions right but it is an offence to the greatest supporters of wor team so shut yer pigging gob sir nobody! And by the way Shearer when you was manager you mate took Newcastle down to the Championship didn’t yer though ffs! Then on this day if you look at the start of the season after one match “we are top of the league, say we are top of the league” Go, NEWCASTLE!! Latest; 31/08/2023 We are now 13th ffs bonny lads ffs!! To date with all the matches I attended over the years the best ever players for Newcastle United were Malcolm McDonald and Kevin Keegan and for the record it is 57 years since England won the World Cup when I was Entertainments Manager at BUTLINS Skegness, I was 28 years old. I cannot repeat the drunken celebrations among and knob-ends the 5000 campers and virgins galore were suddenly ‘no more’ oh shit ffs, I am no longer a virgin! The chalet lines the ‘goings on and off’ were as memorable as the match, brilliant days.
Go for it England, it takes the WOMEN of our World to show the men exactly how to win and win with grace, charm, and skills! None of this overacting an injury when the men roll over and over with the slightest tackle to waste time fs! Love you all Ladies, but but but, I cannot see England’s second team ‘the men’ under the present Manager winning or even being runners up, perhaps we should get the Ladies Team Manager the wonderful Sarina Weigman to replace the characterless (the man who could not take a winning penalty and fuct up for his country) Gareth Westgate a total dickhead and knob end to boot me ansomes! That is so offensive to dicks and knobs ends, aint it though, dears WTF! Is it Southgate or Westgate, I do not know, nor do I care ffs!
AS most of our customers would agree that we do have some really important members of our team especially our 3 young ladies known as Seren, Lauren and the one and only Connie! They are immense fun to work with and their skills in being pleasant to all of our buyers and sellers are widely appreciated by the majority of our customers who meet with them during their work, anyway they had their first day yesterday at Newquay of selling a vast amount of items given to them by sellers and buyers alike. They will have their own column to advise everyone what they are up to and to advise how their holiday and learning experiences in HAWAII plans are getting on, more to follow. Connie has told me that Nigel is looking for a new life of love in his life cos his love life at the moment is loveless and that if his wife finds out she will kill him ffs! (it’ official from Nigel, ‘she won’t)
“Back to HAWAII, can you ask the young ladies when are they going to put something on their web-blogs in appreciation of the wonderful generosity where they raised over £100.00 selling at Newquay from items donated by our customers” Geoff.X
Our other team headed by Amelia her dad Paul and her lovely mum the maker of the most wonderful-wonderful bestest ever cakes Johanna, all three of this most loyal up-market family have been with us for several years however Paul was the latest to join us from his high flying job in the banking world as a Senior Executive down to his present apprentice position with Car Boots Cornwall being tried and trained by guess of whom it’s but daughter Amelia of course! Here is a compliment, that in all of my 60 plus years in management our team at Car Boots Cornwall are without doubt the most reliable honest and trustworthy people I have ever encountered throughout the UK, period, forever and the most liked and loved by our customers, Lou with myself we totally appreciate them all, Thank you, thank you thank you, what rhymes with thank-you beginning with W W W ? X. (Good smoke my man) My god the afore mentioned family would not approve of that sort of smuttiness!
I am soo stoned in total happiness so if the following offends I will be delighted my lovelies, however, we do have one grumpy old fart known as Rock-on he does the parking of thousands of cars at Mitchell Truro and St Columb Major, on occasions he gets justifiably very pissed off ffs when he is directing cars and some effing bloke has gone the wrong eeffing way with other cars following causing chaotic parking for all ffs! Nigel also has trouble with drivers who do not follow his instructions on parking ffs cos if one goes out of line the plan can be lost and the frigging idiot who wants to park over there instead of fking here is a momentary pitfa ffs! I know how ratty some drivers can be for instance this Sunday one such driver to impress his passengers in front of Rock-on did a stupid wheelie he braked hard making serious tyre and wheel marks on the farmers land, hilarious fun, fking eediot man the pollock that he was and still is ffs! So Rock on got some serious abuse off the driver who later put in a complaint to Paul about him swearing which he admitted, he got a smart kick is the googlies, end of incident, result or what?
Then we get the occasional ‘blue pass holders’ who can be a real pain in the posterior ffs, some of whom arrive well after the sale has started demanding that they park just outside the selling field, it isn’t gonna happen dears! For the record I am a blue pass holder, I never push my luck and start arguing for even more privilege than the courtesy of my blue pass which was given to me because of my peripheral vascular disease in my legs which causes spiteful pains making walking difficult at times, so there!
It is 5.00 am, I have been in my man-cave since 4 unable to sleep so I have had a couple of smokes a large rum and coke hic so if I have made any spelling mistakes I personally don’t gaff if the truth be told. Over this third weekend of Bank Holidays we had our busiest period with lots of sellers and buyers the sellers did exceptionally well with hard selling and the buyers carried away thousands of bargains over the weekend. Our business has been down due to the cost of living crisis and this freaking war which is nothing to do with our Cornish and World wide people but everyone is suffering ffs but nowt is being done to STOP THIS Fluking WAR ffs!! WHY why Why?
“Stop Press; It has just been announced from the Kremlins that President Putin has had a new ‘ARSE Transplant’ but, with sadness we report that the new ‘arse-hole’ has rejected him ffffsss” WTF FRO Die yer B’stard is what Mildred from Wide-Open has just asked me to write see!
I feel so privileged to live here in Cornwall which in my honest opinion, and Lou’s, having travelled and seen a lot of the world Cornwall is the best place to live, in the whole wide world WORLD we all seem to have accepted the fate of this unjustified war, we are dealing with our lives as bestest we can but “we must be aware that a very few of our immigrants could spoil the image of our Cornwall” There have been a few incidents of stealing items from stalls and bartering in an aggressive manner with my sellers and throwing money at my sellers! I am only writing about the tiniest minority of immigrants, fine they come here for a better life I get that but, these infringements will only affect my business and it’s loyal customers. It is now totally fair that I acknowledge ‘we need immigrants’ because the majority that come to our Car Boot Sales they are brilliant spenders as they are setting up homes and businesses, it is a pleasure to watch thousand of items being carried away from our sales to a happy home! Enjoy our sales, don’t ruin it, and if you know someone who is stealing from my customers then I would like a quiet word with them, ending with FRO ffs! Another spliff time, don’t smoke tobacco it’s a killer, we have lost so many well loved people through smoking fags, we seriously miss their money ffs amen!
My darling mother in law Julia is still with us and I will publish my full update in the next few days. My two Alpacas Yo and Yo are called by their joint names because they couldn’t GAF really, they are so frocking ignorant and don’t really respond to being called at all unless they are getting fed. Tomorrow they are getting their annual shearing where all the fibre on their bodies is shave off, they have to be tied down and they scream like fcuk at the shearer men, Yo and Yo will be indignant for a couple of weeks but they get over it after a week. We gave three sacks of their fibre to a lady who lives in St Columb who is going to spin the fibre as a hobby the dear of her! So, with our ducks 2 dogs and 6 sheep with their babies plus I love feeding all the birds and rabbits all over the whole of dis land man, yer knar wot I’m a saying man! When I have had my fill of smoke and the weed I fall into total happiness where everything in the world is beautiful with no wars, no frictions, no ginger-heads royal twots seeking revenge for Megan Markle ffs! But, my full happiness is I am very happily married to my team that Newcastle United have ended up in the top four of the Premiership. Motor Mouth Alan Shearer said the team would not achieve 4th place so WTF does he know about management when he took over as Manager of wor team he got them relegated in one fking season bonnie lads FFS yet another TWOT! = THAT WANKER OVER THERE!! Go Newcastle United for the up-coming season! Shearer shut TFU man ffs!
Sunday at TRURO the sale is well on it’s way, if buyers buy heavy items providing they have got permission from one of our team they can go into the selling field driving carefully we allow them to pick up large items they have bought. They must drive slowly and for Public Safety they are NOT ALLOWED TO DRIVE up and DOWN The selling lane-aisles. Most regulars deal with this request without incident but today we had a stupid old fart who had driven into the selling field then we saw him driving out of one aisle then sod me if he drives down the next aisle which is full of adults and their children and the sellers! When Lou caught up with him he was trying to drive down yet another aisle, she stood in front of his vehicle refusing to let him drive any further but guess what, he had no reason to be in the field at all, he had bought absolutely sod all he wanted was to treat his visit as a ‘drive and buy boot sale’ stopping at any stall where he saw something he wanted to buy but he still bought nowt as he was ejected to the main car park when he decided to drive off in jerky movements vowing never to return! Great decision, old boy, sod off ski !
I received an email regarding Truro Cattle Market that a stall that was selling items that were unmarked in price so the customer asked ‘how much’ which was ‘too much’ so customer politely says ‘no thank you’ to which the sellers start speaking offensively to the customer because they had not bought the item.
— Name —
— Comment or Message —
Just back from Sunday car boot at cattle market and wanted to ask if you could remind your sellers they are not helping their sales by being rude to buyers.
Particularly obnoxious ‘charity’ sellers today, misheard what I offered for an item…. They were only young girls, but very sarcastic and rude. Heard them muttering about me as I put the item down and decided i no longer wanted to buy it due to their attitudes. Its not how sellers should be behaving towards their customers. Anyway, i went past later and they still had the item…serves them right, I bet its not the only sale they lost by not being nice to us buyers.
Sarah, thank you for your email and your permission for other sellers and buyers to be aware of, next time you are selling let me know and I will arrange a free stall for you. Geoff X
Now then, Truro once again, about 25 years ago a similar event happened where a regular customer of ours was most offended by the swearing and cussing from one very rude seller, buyer goes back to the stall and asks for an apology but the sellers refuses, the buyer lost the plot by hooking his leg around the leg of the sellers table loaded up to the hilt when ‘lo and behold’ great fun, such a huge crash from all the sellers items as the offended buyer walked off content with revenge ffs, he was barred for six months and the seller never came back!
End of sale at Mitchell, Landlord calls tells me he has checked the field and found a section of his grounds where the sheep move into after our Car Boot Sale where several unsold items had been left but worse the area was littered with broken glass ffs! The law says that this amounts to FLY TIPPING which is a criminal offence! My rules say NO RUBBISH nor unsold items to be left on any of our Car Boot locations!! PERIOD!! These rules are well known to sellers so if you see any sellers who looks as though they are gonna leave unsold shit items please let one of our team know! Please!!
Car Boot history!
Truro Car Boot sales back in the early 90s were at 8.00 am. Queues started overnight the rules from the Cornwall Council were that “no entry of sellers before 6.00 am No Entry for buyers before 7.00 am” In those days rightly so there was ‘no admission fees for the buyers’ so you can imagine that Truro for free parking and free entry would be very popular for buyers who in them there day were not the classy as our current buyers so fights and arguments were not infrequent ffs! We would have sellers who offered their own idea of “home made cakes and sandwiches “which to say the least were hideous and to my mind life threatening” so it was my decision to tell the bakers and sandwich making people that I will not allow them to sell after all of their efforts. I explained that today I am expecting a Cornwall Council health and Safety inspection who have the right to your names and addresses and it is likely that they will want to visit your homes to see if your kitchen was suitable to prepare food for Public Consumption. Years ago we had an old lady who used to sell pickles and pasties, I had to ask her to keep her stall tidy and give it a wash down on two occasions, and her didn’t smell that good neither ffs, Her used to trade well however, we had a Public Health visit who pickled up the name and address of the dear lady for a home visit! Without surprise we never saw the pickle-pasty lady again! The pasties were revolting, bite once spit-oot ffs!! Result!!
I would like to thank all of the thousands of our customers buyers and sellers alike for their loyalty to Car Boots Cornwall since 1989 it has been a pleasure providing our sales especially during COVID where all of our customers acted totally co-operative with the restrictions. We heard of NO CASES of COVID were related to any of our Car Boot events.
It’s my 4th and final smoke of the day I feel good my leg pains have relaxed ably atributed to my relazed feelings, it’s de weed my man, its de weed man, but am I happy you bet, I am looking out of my window at a seagull who has adopted this house as home sitting on our shed roof being dive bombed by beautiful Swallows, one of our ducks is broody preparing to sit on her eggs for fking 35 days, god my arse would be so painful I would have to do a runner duck ffs!!
Be good and honest to each other ‘let your love show through’ start with a bottle of wine (each) have a shower together that’s if you can get inside the cubicle together the size you 2 are ffs, no pigging room for a Bustopher Jones (blow jobbie) neither pet! Now for a loving shag or is it a take yourself in hand jobby and play ‘how far can I shoot this lot’ or just be the normal git that you are and go to fking bed grumpy as fcuk and bollocks to everything and the planet be happily stoned and out of pain thank tf4tffs! Enjoy your life be nice to each other, if you are in the middle of an arguement say ‘I am so sorry dear it was all my fault’ then it’s kiss and make up time aint it though, not tonight dear I am tired. Bollocks, so am I ffs, goodnight dearest X Shut tf up and go to sleep, aint life wonderful though ffs! written under the influence of happiness and a dash of weed, yer know what I’ma saying buds and budesses. XX
Here is story from the Geoff Says archives which I have updated but on reflection these were happier times at our Car Boots with larger than life great characters including everyone mentioned below. Great days.
Not tonight dear I have got a bit of a headache!
The names of the couple mentioned in this story have not been changed to protect their identities so this is a true story of which I reserve the rights to exaggerate a little;
Menace & Dora;
Around 1995 Truro Cattle Market Car Boot Sales were held every Saturday at 8.00am they were so popular in those days sellers would Q as early as 5.00am which caused problems with local residents so we told them to Q in the old MFI car park which is now Dunelm Mill. At 7.00am they convoyed up to the Cattle Market which was the official time we were allowed access to the grounds. New from up country Menace and Dora became regular sellers at our sales gaining popularity with buyers and other sellers alike however Menace quickly became known as a ‘wind-up merchant’ he would get up to all sorts of practical jokes winding one seller up against another which although very funny some of his victims were not quite so amused!
Menace had a gripe against the police for some reason or other so when he found out ex-PC Graham an ugly sod of 69 odd years was an alleged ex- copper! Menace saw him as the ideal target ‘thick and vulnerable’ The wind-ups were continuous from week to week and the PC got so agitated at Falmouth one day because Menace was ‘taking the piss out of how I park cars’ (truth is he could not park Dinky Cars let alone real cars) and he came to tell me he was going to hit the Menace or in his own words’ I’m gonna smack the short arsed little TWAT’. Even the famous Jim (who was BRILLIANT at parking cars) was a target for Menace to stir up and it was always great fun for me to park them next to each other knowing full well they would sooner be parked up elsewhere.
An hour or so later battle would commence but I admired Jim who ignored the ‘childish’ wind-ups saying “As long as you leave my Jan out of your pranks we may get along, if not then I could get my Danny to speak to you, know wot I mean”? Dora used to console Menace ‘Not everyone thinks you’re funny Menace, I don’t most times Luvvy!
The alleged ex-PC had bought a new car (new to him at least) which he loaded up for Rosudgeon where he set up stall then quietly got into the driver’s seat to either have a kip or watch the crumpet leaving his adorable wife (who could have done better for herself) to serve the customers while he either eyed up the talent or take 40 winks or so! Menace seeing an opportunity to take the piss out of the new car gets a thick felt tip pen and drafts two signs on cardboard ‘FOR SALE Bargain only £500.00’ and sticks one on the front and one on the rear of the new second-hand car! PC could not see Menace (through his horn-rimmed testicle- spectacles) cos Menace is a short arsed little twat according to PC! Within a few minutes interest is growing in the car which is a BARGAIN at £500.00 as it cost £4000.00 (he say’s) PC looks out of the car window to see a ‘tyre kicker’ potential buyer trying out his boot against the front wheel when PC jumps out of the car saying ‘What the fook are you up to mate’? He then sees the signs and looks across to Menace’s stall he is no-where to be seen (cos he is a short-arse little twat) (according to PC) but Menace was hiding behind his car watching as PC tries to explain to the man who has five hundred ‘readies’ in his hands to pay for the car ‘it’s a JOKE mate honestly” PC tries to explain so he rips up the £500 quid signs vowing to get Menace.
Dora the lovely wife of Menace is the complete and total boss over Menace, she seems to spend fortunes on her TORY blue rinse hair style, (never a hair out of place) but she works tirelessly at her stall where Menace is like an assistant manager unloading the car and being told time and again in her slow nagging northern accent ‘No Menace, ‘ not the blue box the green box first’ or ‘you have forgotten The tables this time FFS’ ‘Ee Menace, I don’t know what you are thinking most of the time FFS’ says Dora, so if you the reader assumes that Menace is well hen pecked and under the sodding thumb you would be right and he deserves it!
For some of the wind-ups his favourite targets are the nice ladies and girls that work in the catering, if he can cause mischief he does but one day he picked on the wrong person MY MISSUS with two of his stupid wind ups. Before we go on holiday Lou and I take on a strict diet and we keep an eye on each other to see no-one cheats, we were at Newquay one busy day Lou collecting rent and I am busy with overseeing the Car Boot, I was peckish and bought myself a Bounty Bar and I ate both pieces witnessed by Menace. When he saw Lou he said “That Geoff thinks such a lot of you-you know Lou I saw him buy this Bounty Bar and save the second piece for your journey home, that is so kind and considerate of him to think of sharing it with you, but I should wait till you’re going home and ask for your share” The little Bastard! I tried to deny all but he had nicely dropped me in the shit and I had lost a bet with her indoors!
I am very strict about giving regular sellers a ticket when they pay their rent because they claim it on their expenses, one day Lou had forgotten the tickets and was worried that I should find out until the Car Boot was over. She went to Menace’s stall to collect the rent and told him in confidence ‘Sorry no tickets, I forgot them, Geoff will go berserk’ Seeing this as an opportunity to cause mischief the dreaded man came tappy-lapping to tell me in his northern accent ‘Lou didn’t give me a ticket maybe her forgot, I just thought she may need a gentle reminder for next time’! On the way home Lou says ‘I’m sorry I forgot the tickets today’ I said ‘I know Menace told me’ He did WHAT? Revenge time! Nobody but nobody causes mischief or comes between me and my missus so I will patiently wait my turn!
Unknown to Menace Dora had been given a gift from Marge of parts one two and three of the trilogy 50 Shags of Grey which Dora intended to read in bed. After watching TV one night she announces to Menace “I am going to put me curlers in now pet and go up to bed are you coming now luv” Menace looks up, “Not yet Luvvy I will stay here for a while I think I’ve got a bit of a headache so I’ll watch news’” Dora departs the room to do the hair and prepares for bed plus a horny good read under the duvet with the trilogy but decides to read part three first. An hour or so later she has read all the randy bits and thinks ‘I feel a bit randy I wonder if our Menace is all right’ so she gets out of bed and goes to see if he has fallen asleep on the settee but, if he is awake ‘tonight’s the night for Menace’ Instead of going into the sitting room she decides to peep through the conservatory curtains and to her utter amazement there is Menace almost bollock naked with his trousers round his ankles watching a porn channel ‘taking himself in hand’ Dora bangs on the window shouting “Oh my God Menace and what do you think you’re doing you are sex maniac”? Needless to say Menace could not complete his act of ‘indecency’ and Dora did not get her wicked way neither!
Dora cannot wait for Car Boot the next day at Newquay and she tells the girls of the catering the gory details of Menace explaining “Well he were like sort of PLONKING himself off in front of telly while watching a porn channel” Fair play to Menace if that’s what turns you on (especially at his difficult age 73) but I fear there are double standards here on behalf of a lot of women who have read the same book as Dora to its various and ultimate privacy of climaxes for the reader and yet they will begrudge our Menace of a play around with his Widget and Henry Halls in his own home whilst watching some gorgeous bird stripping off or even worse shagging!
Revenge was sweet for the catering girls after all of the wind-ups by Menace over the years; they could not wait to tell me the story! I take great pride is writing this account which may well be over-exaggerated to settle a few scores on behalf of all the victims of his wind-ups only this story is TRUE!
Now wash your hands Menace and ‘Come to bed I’m HORNY’! No thanks luvvy I’ve got a bit of a headache’
Proud to be part of our Car Boot Community
BABY LOCKED IN CAR!
Throughout my over 60 years in the leisure industry including Butlins Entertainments Manager in Filey & Skegness and Pontins General Manager at Brean Sands before moving to Cornwall where Louise and myself started our Car Boots Cornwall in 1989, in effect I/we have handled millions and millions of customers seeking Entertainment or Leisure of some sort, then add to all of that the millions who have supported Car Boots Cornwall either as buyers or sellers plus plus plus all the 100s of thousands of kids brought by their parents to enjoy our Community events but this incident has never happened previously in all those years! The last time the Police were involved with Car Boots Cornwall was in the late 1990s!!
Yesterday 07/05/2023 SUNDAY at TRURO Car Boot Sale, Lou was walking around the Car Park at the front of the complex meeting up with Nigel who told her about “a baby being locked in a car” a red Peugeot, she immediately contacted me, I went to the vehicle to learn that there was a baby who was in the car strapped into his car seat, he was screaming and sweating up, there was no air in the car with all windows and doors locked. An interfering member of the public asked Nigel what are you going to do about it to which Nigel replied, ‘I am waiting for the woman to come back to the car’ He said ‘well I am going to call the Police’ which is when I arrived. I told the man, thank you and that I was now in charge of the situation but he continued his call. He was shouting to the Police on the phone mainly for the benefit of passers-by and his personal ego trip. I told him it was now none of his business so fro which was pretty tame for me!
Louise in the meantime was busy going around the buyers and sellers advising about the incident and trying to find the owner of the car. I had every confidence that the owner and mother of the car could and would be found. The Police arrived asked a few questions when they decided to smash the drivers car seat window, the police woman opened the door, got the baby out of the car just as the mother with her very polite ten year daughter arrived. It is fair to say that the mother did not have an English accent and probably was not aware of the serious risks of leaving a young baby alone in the car especially without any of the windows being open with fresh air circulating. I can only imagine that when they arrived at the Car Boot that the baby was asleep so they decided to lock him in and go look for some bargains which to all of us is totally irresponsible. Baby and mother reunited the Police had a serious talk with mother, I do not know if she was charged. Apparently she did not have a pushchair which she was hoping unsuccessfully to buy one at our Car Boot.
In summary, The mother was totally wrong to leave the baby, she seemed an intelligent person but if the baby was asleep when she arrived at Truro and she did not have a pushchair to carry the heavy babe then I think that the serious admonishment that the Senior Police Lady Officer gave her is enough for mother to remember for the rest of her life. Full and total thanks and compliments to the Police for their professional handling of the situation, the baby is safe which is all that matters now!
However, “I would have been very confident of locating mother and car owner ‘without calling the Police’ which has been proven by the fact that mother arrived back to her car just as her window was being smashed in by the Police”
Do not leave CHILDREN in your Car alone! at all! EVER! NO!!
Do not leave DOGS in your Cars without at least two windows open to circulate the air.
Do not leave Grannies at Grampies in your car without sufficient AIR AIR to breathe, I know you would like to but you mustn’t! The dear of them all fs!