Dear customer welcome to Portugal.
Cornwall; any day for the last couple of months!
It is 4am the rain is chucking it down with a vengeance outside of my man cave, our 3 male Alpacas are still grazing in the heavy drizzle pissing down on the lush green grass that is growing to abundance whilst the heavens decide that I will have to cancel yet another figging Car Boot Sale due to the ground conditions being soggy. I feel sorry for the hundreds of sellers and buyers at all locations with the weather affecting their incomes all I can do is to sympathise with them which is not a lot of good but it’s a start! The constant cancelling of Car Boot Sales also affects ourselves and our working teams and our Landlords so if the Car Boot does not go ahead then nobody gets paid not one penny, the Caterers lose out the toilets don’t get paid and the Communities of people who ‘love their Car Boots’ do not get their weekly visits which like the heavens thoroughly pisses on everyone’s fireworks so to speak. Sorry my lovers, is all I can say we just have to turn the other cheek hold your balls tight and wait for the weather to change FFS. I’m thinking of signing on don’t you know, I’d love to get a job in one of they there Ann Summers sex shops like in Truro selling and demonstrating all of those vibrating sexual aids and then there’s the crotchless male or female knickers, let your fairy or your Mary or your hairy todger all hang out for a breath of fresh air ffs, great fun!!
Enough is enough what with the weather and mother in law playing up with her Dementia which is gradually getting worse so we go through these very silent periods when suddenly her breaks out with a conversation entirely to herself which is utter rubbish and nonsensical which stresses my lovely wife but not me, I join in and why not? We (me) have discovered that at evening meal times to watch a bit of the news which her pays attention to then we change channels to watch ‘You’ve been Framed’ which makes her really happy and chuckling nay laughing so if you have some dear old or young fart with Dementia who you are a carer for then let them laugh at the stupidity of the programme and if they seem to really like it and laugh a lot record a couple of shows then play them to your beloved dementated person time and again, they won’t remember WTF they have seen. So, with repeated playing of your recordings which unfortunately they are watching a programme that will go into their minds for seconds then alas it’s gone and forgotten lost forever, bit like smoking weed really! But then if it makes them laugh it is very rewarding. It’s 4.00 am I have been up since 2 with serious leg pains and cramps, a couple of smokes rum and cokes and the pains have eased up. I am going to get stents put into my legs soon. Back to Julia, her makes me laugh with her gobble-de-gook slush puppy nonsense chit-chat but she is happy, she’s got Dementia ffs. Julia is a nice person but her has now resorted to stealing things and storing them amongst her ever-growing piles of single pieces toilet paper so we have to ask “Did you take the post to your bedroom?” She denies all but Lou finds several letters unopened with instructions ‘do not open’ all in Julia’s own handwriting, one of her premium bond winnings of £25.00 dating back 3 months were amongst her ‘stolen pile’ the dear of her. The day before we were due to drop her off for her holiday the lovely Sian arrived to find dear Julia washing her cup her cereal bowl her plate her cutlery and yes you have guessed it, down in the bog the toilet ffs the dirty old moo so she is, her seriously needs a break from we and we need a break from she ffs see and from now her very own cutlery cup and saucer the lot, Sean was slightly baffled as to the brown water in the now washing up bathroom toilet ffs was from a floating tea bag or from something more sinister ffs!! We took Julia to the Kenwyn Care Home in Truro to see if she would be happy to stay there at enormous cost which she would pay for herself. She agreed to stay, ‘no other option available dear’ we booked a 10 day stay in the Algarve-Portugal at an apartment self-catering with a hire car which we would have to pick up on arrival at the airport, then it’s off to go find where we are going to stay for the next 10 days ffs! We drop Julia off her cries, we don’t, we are now on our respite holiday away from it all, let’s get our marriage back to normal, peace perfect peace or perhaps not!
Welcome to Portugal!
For a moment of madness on my part I had decided that I would not drive the car hired so Lou would be totally in charge of the driving and the reality of making that decision was rammed home by her realizing that her had to drive from the airport on the opposite side of the road and that her gear stick was now on her right which caused me to agree with the madness of myself that I had definitely and totally made the wrong decision in the first place, sod it I should be in the driving seat. ‘You didn’t tell me it was the other side of the road’ her says yes, “Oh but I did sez I just go for it dearest, don’t pull out fs my god that was close’ Portugal is full of bloody roundabouts (lets go for a spin sometime) her negotiating them all with extreme caution held up other traffic, I could see the clearly road ahead of us but my darling wife now has a stream of traffic behind her and believe me the drivers are getting some pissed off with several risking life and limb to overtake and to get out of the frigging way of this bleeding car, bloody tourists! I can see in my mirror the convoy we now have trailing into the distant background behind us ffs! It reminded me of our Atlantic Highway here in Cornwall on the way to Wadebridge we live near the river, do drop in some time! So you want to go out for an easy journey into say Truro and you join a stream of figging traffic on both sides of the road called the Atlantic Highway and you get ficking held up by bleeding tractors out for a joy ride so there’s a ‘nil chance to overtake ffs’ these two Cornish men farmer folk (folk off fer folks sake) tractor drivers they be texting each other like fury and having a bloody good double chinned laugh fs “I’ve got bout 63 cars and lorries following me says Benjamin how many of they there cars following av oo got Roger” I beat yer says Bengy ‘I’ve got bout 74 of them there drivers and some of they are going near firkin apeshit berserk ffs! It’s true, and if you do get the chance to overtake the missus screams “Don’t pull out ffs” How can you win fs!
Back to Portugal, I am sitting in my passenger seat trying to hide from the single fingers and ‘wanker’ hands shaking out of all sides of each passing vehicle including bloody cyclists ffs to my dearest wife who couldn’t GAF she is certainly not influenced by their impatience. Pull over and let them all pass ffs I wanted to say but I was getting shid scared. We eventually pull over streams of traffic go by the drivers are staring at us morons for their delays “We are from Cornwall dont you know you’ve got to make allowances for that fs!” Her reversing skills are better that her forward skills if you know what I mean we arrived back at the apartment on the second day her reversed back into the car space I politely told her “You are so much better driving backwards than forwards, stop now” OMG ffs I do wish I would keep my figging gob shut at times.
So, now we have a clear road her drives out when suddenly I realise and scream ‘we are on the wrong king side of the road ffs ‘Don’t you shout at me’ her shouts. OMG and this is only day one of the holiday ffs. We have sat-nav in the car all in Portuguese great help that one, with some idiot jabbering on like fcuk and we don’t know WTF he is on about we don’t know one effing word of their language f! We eventually arrive at the apartment (that’s twice) knackered but still alive, I stagger out of the car and get accused of overacting not true, ‘welcome dearest’ I uttered but the words were kept in my mind, I seriously need to unwind, I am still alive, I need a smoke ffs. The weather is amazing with brilliant hot sunshine for almost the entire 10 days, the apartment was situated amongst loads of other new blocks of smart apartments like living in a concrete jungle however the letting industry is suffering with poor figures so there were a lot of the apartments up for sale say at around 250 grand my lovers nice that they are they aint worth 250 grand I’d start at one and a half mate ffs! Ours is 2 years old nicely appointed kitchen with a great balcony next to a five-star hotel and not a lot of traffic to disturb the peace. My Lou went to the hotel to find out what sort of menu there was. Her didn’t get to the main courses cos her was stunned that some of the starters alone were upwards of thirty quid that’s like sixty quid for two starters the size of two turdy sausages ffs, bollox to that! I mean when we go out to eat, we eat well so I recon we are talking over a hundred plus quid each, fcuk that she aint worth that and I am certainly not fs, in any event we came to enjoy self-catering and keeping ourselves to ourselves but the fear of going out in the dark could become a reality wtf next fs!
We needed provisions and wondered if there are any Lidl or Aldi stores in Portugal when low and behold and therefore and beyond (I am whilst writing this without pain, I’m happily stoned so please make allowances)
OMG its back into the car again but this time I feigned an illness that would mean me having to lie down on the back seats so I cannot see WTF sort of complications my darling wife is creating the dear of her, be afraid be very afraid I tell myself, then on queue her stands on her brakes and I am shot off the back seat and jammed between hers and the sodding seat I should be sitting in if I were not so fricking frit ffs! Eventually we found both stores almost opposite sides of the huge double roundabouts. Brilliant, but for some reason known only to herself her drove round the roundabout three or could have been four times and somehow without shopping at all we are heading into the exit lane wtf happened there? I was having serious dizzy spells at the time fs! She decides let’s spin off here and go into the Aldi store first to see how they cope with their dreaded ‘Dear Customer’ announcements as experienced at the Wadebridge store! To tell the honest truth we spent half an hour in both Lidl and Aldi store on 4 occasions each which were much-much busier than our Aldi & Lidl stores so guess how many announcements there were? Not one! Some of the locals who shopped in Lidl & Aldi were rude buggers and mouthy sods in their own tongues of course lounging around blocking up the aisles (bit like Wadebridge really) some of they seemed to need lessons in how to push a trolley and polite manners please and less drinking before 10.00 am please, and that’s just the women fs. I did get on well with the oldies especially the local grannies the dear of them whose politeness and granny smiles were well worth the journey, they thought I were lovely but then we were all very short-sighted you know what I mean. Cost of living seems equal to the UK, Aldi and Lidl are a great partnership with all residents and tourists in Portugal.
The Portuguese communities have the cleanest roads we have ever encountered no litter on the streets with bins shaped like huge golf balls supplies for all and sundry to use for your recycling which is very creditable to the country, the people take great pride with the presentation of their towns and gardens plus amazing trees all serviced to perfection by local councils and the Portuguese people. 10 out of 10 for them all, but they do let themselves down with the population not taking notice of the amount of annual deaths caused by the smoking of killer disease cigarettes with poisons nicotine and tobacco. Piles of fag ends are laying outside some of the public buildings and regretfully smoking is allowed in restaurants and other public areas so that is a major minus for Portugal. In fairness I noticed the smoking of weed in some public areas on several times, go weed! I had taken enough of my herbal mixture which each time I go abroad I wonder if I would get stopped but going through customs Portugal Airport was a doddle with no great security presence, in any event if they stopped me the mixture I use of Farmers Blend and Cannabis herb which would not set any alarm bells going off, my doctors are aware of my use of Cannabis that’s good enough for me.
The populations of Portuguese people all seem to be leaner than the UK I did not see any of the fatso kids and their bloated parents like we see around the Car Boots in Cornwall (all holiday-makers from oop country like) almost daily proving poor diets for many families with low incomes the dear of them all fs. We have been to the Algarve several times the weather was at its best which we experienced during September with rain probably for a couple of hours in ten days.
Would we go again? Most certainly! But I would drive, I love my wife dearly which is news to me after wot I have been through, my nerves are shagged out, don’t pull out FFS!! I were chatting with two lovely people (well she’s a bit gorgeous) at Truro who were going on holiday to Portugal to get away from the pesky grand-children (and the grand-kids cannot wait for them to bugger off neither my bird, they love you though) They were going for a week after we got back, going all-inclusive to a 4 Star Hotel. He embarrassed himself by standing close to the sea in his 70s shorts thinking he was all that. I’m not saying he is a big sod but there was an announcement ‘please would the fat bloke in the hideous shorts move out of the way the tide wants to come in FFS! They said the weather was great (bit cold at nights) their Hotel was good but the food at the hotel was ‘bloody awful’ so they went out to eat because the same food is repeatedly offered day after day and quite often some of the same plated foods lasted all week ffs! Lou and I planned to go self-catering all along we just needed a complete break just the two of us away from Julia and time alone, we didn’t want to go out at nights taking into consideration my fear of my darling wife’s unbelievable driving skills that has now got all of Portugal talking about fs. You would think that we laughed about it oh no, it was much too serious for that! My nerves are totally shagged out and fuct and with the greatest of pleasure for me as we hand the unscathed car (miracle) back to the car hire miserable sods that they were, we board the plane back to the insanity of home life in Cornwall and back to Julia who has apparently cried a lot the dear of her. I cried with tears of joy when I saw my very own car ffs! But in fairness to my Lou her driving skills are more settling here in Cornwall so to speak (liar) Welcome, we are back to dear old Cornwall which has been pissing down for several weeks and guess what it is still pissing down today ffs creating weeks of cancelling one Car Boot Sale after the other ffs. Such is life. Portugal is lovely, amen!
CNN & MSNBC News;
I spent many happy hours on the balcony having the odd few smokes with a rum and coke relaxing and watching and studying the CNN & MSNBC American news channels which are brilliantly presented by some of the most professional world class male and female presenters in a high drama style with hot news coming in almost by the minute. The news of the day all day and every pigging day is about the impeachment of the worst President in American History a white supremacist and total arsehole to boot Donald J. Trump and his band of frigid Republican orange-nosed B’stard followers all supported with total bilge dust verbal crap from lying Fox News presenters up his bum biased towards Donald Trump who has promised that if he does not get a second term of office in The White House there could be ‘civil war in the streets’ Well bully for you Donald, you are a crook a jerk and a liar, you have divided America with your double-dealing efforts you are a World-wide laughing stock that will take years to repair for the United States, so why don’t you FRO the now FFS no “prid-pro-quo = something for something” you are a schmook a racist a sexist and ferking ugly to boot you have no respect for women you are disloyal to your missus and you have lied to the American public over twenty thousand times in 3 years man as recorded by CNN you are a threat to world peace especially if that idiot Boris (Doris to his gay friends from Torquay) gets into power at number 10 for 5 pigging years the NHS will not be safe as Boris plans to sell sections of our NHS ffs! Hey Donald, “how’s your love in relationship with North Korea are you still ‘in love’ with Kim Jon Un the dear of him, bombs away?
You could have should have done so much for America, you’ve failed, you are the weakest link so FRO the now and may you get permanent lock-jaw after you have been rejected and impeached and removed from office then you can take your rotten and corrupt family away far-far away into the hills over the seas to Alcatraz to await justice for what you have done dishonourably to gain benefits for the Trump Dynasty which is soon going to crumble once the impeached President gets his tax bills and is sent to another place to shut his gob once and for all FFS! Go now, your fired!! He could hopefully go to prison for a very long time with his mate motor-gob-shite lawyer Juliane (another crim) then we will all have peace perfect peace. My personal hope for the 2020 Presidential race was Kamala Harris who has a brilliant CV but her cannot raise absolute fortunes to really take part in the race so has reluctantly withdrawn the dear of her. Go Kamala! God Bless America, never been there never wanted to, never will, Amen!