Tuesday 21st July, Newquay!

The early sellers at our Car Boot Sales pay extra to set up comprise mainly of Market Traders and some disabled sellers. Regulars know that I will not allow any buying nor selling until the start of the sale therefore I do not allow buyers in until the start of the sale at 12.00 noon.

I had been away from the entrance of the selling field for a while at Mitchell and when I returned one of our very special-special sellers a good lady (who has fought some amazing battles with her health and is loved and admired by hundreds of our buyers and sellers) told me “There is a nasty man with a Cockatoo on his arm who I have just told you are not allowed in before 12.00 and he told me ‘you mind your own f—ing business’ now I didn’t deserve that because I was very polite to him”
‘Let me get this right, there is a man with a Cockatoo on his arm? What a real one or a Tattoo? No a real one? And he told you to fluck off? Yes! Where is he? He is in the Queue! I walk out to the Q and sure enough there is a man with a Cockatoo on his arm standing with his wife trying to drum up some interest in his daft looking Cockatoo which is in a white dress and some sort of stupid hat.
I walked up to him and said “I understand you were rude and swore at one of my special customers, we don’t allow that sort of language to which he and his mouth almighty wife denied swearing which I did not believe!

He then got really stroppy asking me who TF I thought I was and ‘how would I like to be put into hospital’ and ‘you’re going to need an ambulance’ FFS and it’s only 11.30 in the pigging morning and there is this short arsed little twat with a frigging Cockatoo on his arm threatening me! I then let him have my opinion as to what a pathetic man he was and what an exhibitionist he was with a stupid bird on his arm and I felt sorry for the animal! More threats, then before I walked away I said “Right, I do not want you nor your wife nor your stupid bird in the Car Boot distracting and disrupting our sales for our customers”

He then followed me with more threats and we came face to face, what an ugly B’stard of a face and his breath stank like a cancerous ash tray and he had the worst set of teeth I have ever seen on a man, one more colour and he would have the full snooker set FFS! Anyway I marked his card once more telling him “Go away, we do not need you here, you are now BARRED but he still wanted more and it must have looked stupid with this idiots arm stretched out to hold the pigging bird and trying to take a swipe at me with the other hand!

I thought ‘shall I just smack the bird off his arm then it would fly off and he would have to frigging chase it but it couldn’t cos it had the stupid dress on FFS! But no, as a gentleman I decided to walk away! But he had not had enough, he charged up behind me and was just about to slug me when (drum roll) to the rescue comes Joey (potatoes) and Pedro (cherries) Martin (dog slings) to defend me from this nasty little cretinous little squirt of a man and his poxy Parrot! They three took over by telling the man to go away and I think one of Joey’s two word expressions ending up with ‘off’ but I didn’t help matters much by me telling Cockatoo armpits ‘just walk away with jerky movements yer twat’ FFS and I couldn’t GAF about his threats.

I was so upset I told the whole crowd “the Car Boot is off” and they all told me to eff of as well!! Whatever, it was a bloody good laugh witnessed by a lots of people who enjoyed the sideshow.
What he didn’t know is that I have a ‘black belt’ to hold my trousers up and a yellow belt in all sports, but is there really any need to threaten to ‘put someone in hospital’ and ‘you will need an ambulance’ because I objected to his rudeness to one of our treasured customers.

At first when the lady said to me ‘there is a man with a Cock or two’ I replied ‘make your mind up darling, has he one cock or two cocks’ but being the daughter of a preacher man she was not amused and told me to ‘go wash your mouth out with soap and water’ but I don’t think she really understood my alleged joke till her old man (very old) explained the double entente!
So what the hell are we running Car Boot Sales or a figging zoo with all the problems we get with dogs bleeding Seagulls and now a Cockatoo and its only day one of the school holidays FFS!