Because the BBC got their forecast WRONG AGAIN Friday suffered with fewer buyers and sellers because the BEEB said it was going to rain and it did not but the sellers who braved all were the winners because it did not rain one drop and the buyers bought well so everyone was happy. When we look back over the years the BBC have forecast the wrong weather so many times which obviously affect all outside businesses because loads of (armchair) professional weather watchers (mainly old farts and fartesses) live by every word the BEEB says so if the BEEB says it might rain then that is a good excuse to stay indoors and vegetate.

We have a good answerphone service that tell our customers the day and time of our Car Boot Sales and where necessary we advise of weather and ground conditions but the calls that we actually answer vary from “Is it raining there” to asking us to tell them “how many sellers are there to see if it’s worth my while coming” which is a damn cheek really so to those enquirers are politely told “Come and see for yourself and get some B exercise” and as I put the phone down “Yer lazy sod” But it is mainly men who make these calls and from the moment they start talking we can get their attitude cos they are hoping for us to say “It’s off today” so they can keep her indoors-indoors so neither of them get fresh air nor the exercise nor the bargains.

WE get all sorts of complaints particularly about cow poo, dogs, disabled parking, bad parking, lost property and dogs owners but the first ever complaint came from a delightful lady who quietly said to me “Geoff I love your website and I know you are always going on about dogs and the disabled getting their exercises but you have never mentioned something that offends a lot of your customers and it happens at all of your Car Boot Sales and that is offensive body odours of some of the buyers (mainly men) because some of them really ‘stink to high heaven’ and they need a good wash or a shower or bath and some clean clothing but I often hear others complaining”

Wow Mrs, why not say it like it is that some of my customers stink? Many years ago at Penryn the Car Boot Sales started at eight in the morning and when all buyers were crowded around a new seller there was one lady who we will call Jay and ‘it was claimed that’ so as she could get closer to the bargains she would FART to order and the stench was that bad people either collapsed or moved on to the next stall FFS!
Now you ask my missus if this story is true cos I absolutely know and remember she complained to me the she was standing up-wind of Jay when she let out the most amazing cow style FART that my Lou was almost blown off her feet. I mean, that is so offensive but funny, and who got the bargains? Jay of course.

Quite often during the winter Car Boot Sales at Truro Cattle Market I would be walking around the stalls when some brat kids let off stink bombs that are really offensive to the nose and everyone is looking around to see “Who TF has just farted” but I make a point of telling all the stall holders ‘It’s kids letting off stink bombs” otherwise they will think it was me.

Many years ago I ran the famous Hofbrauhaus Bier Kellar in Newcastle and we employed up to 20 barmaids. I was doing a bars inspection before opening time and I noticed an offensive smell as I walked past some of the barmaids and I asked the supervisor a very outspoken lady called Doreen “What’s that awful smell”? She told me it was one of the girls and the other girls had complained about ‘Le smelly one’ I asked Doreen to be as tactful as she possibly could and speak with the girl quietly! To my horror as I walked away I overheard her shout to the lass “Have you crapped your knickers or do you always smell like that”?

I mean, what is this column coming to but let’s remember the complaint is mainly about the men, also lets remember that each one of us farts (emits unwanted gasses) up to 14 times a day and yes the women do as many (if not more) farts as blokes. Just imagine there are 2500 people at our Car Boots and they all do say 7 farts during their stay that is a massive 17500 farts that go up into the air FFS no wonder the birds in Cornwall cough a lot!

But I think my complainant was mainly talking about body odours and judging from the amount of men we see wearing the same old clothes day in day out week in week out and in some cases year in and year out! Yuck I mean you can buy a complete outfit at our car boots for under a fiver(and some new grundies) so if the cap fits wear it, also have a good shower or bath, you might even discover things you didn’t know you had?

However, when we first started doing Car Boot Sales at MABE we had great confrontations with the gypsies, Lou had caught one of the kids stealing a bike and she told the father who had an eyeball to eyeball confrontation with Lou surrounded by 6 brat gypsy kids chanting to Lou “You smell, you stink Missus Lady, you smell, you smell” Fortunately I rescued the embarrassment and sent Lou to find the stolen bike which broke up the party but Lou did have the last laugh by retrieving the stolen bike from the back of the gypsy van.

Now then, the same gypsy family are born again Christians and the difference in them is quite amazing, they are wonderful spenders and they have shown complete respect towards us and our teams and our fellow car booters, I know they are brash in their attitudes but they are always welcome to all of our sales and I love em all. Well, most of them, alright then some of them! Three in all!!!

4 ‘click on’ rude pictures suitable for kids and grandma’s.

Geoff

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