So What! We have lost the ASHES!

But we have won the ASHES the last 3 times so it is fair for us to throw the game and give those Aussies an occasional win. I do not have much love for the Australian people particularly as they seem to forget they all descend from thousands of British undesirables sent to build a Country. We got it all wrong by sending them there in the first place, they should have stayed here and we could have all emigrated over there call it Britsland and get much better weather than we have get here in the good old UK!
Talking about Aussies, when my missus first heard about that Rolf Harris bloke and the charges against him stating ‘they must have got the wrong man he is an absolute national treasure’ No he is not, he is a bloody Aussie and very micey; us men have been very worried about him for years, I mean what man in his right mind would stand in front of millions of viewers squalling his eyes out because some unknown dog has just died?
It’s a woman’s job to cry over dead died dogs, not some over acting Aussie bloke who seems to have outstayed his welcome. Confucius, he say ‘never trust a man (or woman) who grows on your face wot grows up your bum for nothing he say! You can have him back Aussieland, we will keep Dame Edna instead.

My team Newcastle are sitting proudly in 6th position in the Premiership with Tottenham behind “and” Manchester United no less trailing in 8th position and the so-called experts are saying they can win this year’s title WALOBs * My mate’s team Sunderland are very comfortably sitting in position 20 which at Christmas time is a very precarious position as relegation looms for the Black Cats, however on the plus side it will be brilliant for the Geordies who have never thought Sunderland deserves to be in the Premiership at all. In my days at Newcastle when the ‘toon won’ all the Geordie men would be so happy they would try to cover all the pubs (32) in the Bigg Market (been there-done that) then go home pissed out of their minds happy as old Larry expecting the Missus to be a-waiting in her negligee for his coming home.

If they lost however (a very frequent event) those poor wives used to fear the old bastard coming home at all! Times have probably and hopefully changed since the late 60s but I do predict the will be a ‘Geordie baby boom’ July August 2014 cos of the way the Toon Army are playing.
Back to my Sunderland supporter friend he tells me his team will survive, NO they will not my lover and by the way why did they change the name from Roker Park to ‘Stadium of Light’ known by my Geordie friends as guess what? STADIUM OF SH-TE my bird! He told me the other day “I am going on three weeks holiday so I won’t know the results” ‘Where you going’ I asked. “Australia” ‘Take Rolf with you mu lover but don’t worry I will text you the results especially if they lose again and again’!

What about the weather! It is a shame for all those families going away who have planned to be reunited with their loved ones this Christmas; they will have suffered serious travel delays on roads air and rail due to the offensive weather of heavy winds and rain, by now you are hopefully at your destinations and I hope the welcome you got was worth the hours of stress, however, save your cursing my lovelies apparently the weather gets worse for the return journey, and please do not make excuses for being back to work next Thursday 9.00 am sharp!

On Monday morning we decided to take a chance on the driving winds and rain to go to the local Sainsbury’s to get shopping, isn’t it funny how a drop of rain makes us run backwards and forwards to the car like idiots it’s as though the end of the world was nigh. One member of staff was walking about 25 of the trolleys against the driving wind and rain when some complete idiot (blokie) trying to avoid the rain ran into them causing them to wander in 25 different directions! Hilarious my lovers, bloody hilarious! No-on was injured but the runner almost did the Ministry of Funny walks on his way back to the car obviously in some pain, thank god the assistant had a sense of humour! As I collected a passing trolley I could hear some brass band playing Christmas Carols and collecting for their Christmas Charity but because it was raining they had been put inside the store and the bloody noise was deafening as the out of key and drenched musicians played Silent Night(or similar) The sound boomed around the store seriously you could not hear yourself think or speak, there were so many people moaning (couldn’t hear WTF they were saying) I looked at the driving rains outside and I thought “Charity begins at home, “Go Home” I cannot cope with this but amazingly the music (alleged) stopped and lo and behold they did go home much to the relief of the staff and customers but they had made a good collection from some of the generous customers.
Apparently the cotton buds stall did very well as customers tried to regain their hearing, I heard that someone left a used bud in the cheese sample box, mmm very tasty! Not true but very funny! ‘This ones for you Mother but its a little bit runny”!!

Be nice to each other over Christmas and tell someone ‘I love you’ even if it is to a reflection of you in the mirror. Been there-done that!!

Just as I about to finish this it is 6.50am my phone rings I look at the number don’t recognise it so assume it was a wrong number. Showing good manners I call the number back and this man with a very aggressive foreign accent asks “Vot Car Boot is on today”? NONE! “Ven is the next vun” “It’s Sunday at Truro at 1.30” “Vere in too” “TRURO!! “Vot is the post-code” No please, no thank you, Bye!! What at bleeding 6.50 in the morning on Christmas Day. You’re having a laugh! Get a life!! Happy Christmas my lovers………He has just called back I dare not answer because I can be quite rude at times (I learnt from Lou) but if he makes it three times in a row I will publish his number right here!
Enjoy your Christmas; now rip up the credit cards!
Geoff X

* abbreviation WALOBs ‘Wot a load of B…… !