When I was 18 I was called up to do my National Service and spent 3 years in HM The Life Guards of which I was very proud but the initial 6 months training and square bashing were not enjoyable. Years later I was telling my son Simon all about going into the army about the first two days when you get fully kitted out with your bedding and uniforms followed by a full on medical examination plus 4 injections that almost paralyse your arms as the anti-viruses work their way through your body. You are given a 48 hour period to ‘get over it’ the next 48 hours is square bashing with a heavy rifle, get over it!!

I explained to my 8 year old that as raw recruits we all had go to the Army Hospital about 30 in all go into this medical. “Strip off and shut up” was the order. You stand there bollock naked in a line back and wait for the eccentric Dr Colonel to examine all of you without no apparent washing of his hands between soldiers. He then grabs hold of your balls and says “Cough” and from that he can apparently tell if you had any diseases or disorders in your Willie! What an absolute load of old bollocks, or is it?
The story amused Simon who questioned me relentlessly about having your balls grabbed and being told to “cough” by this very eccentric Colonel who was the Chief Medical Officer for the Military Barracks at Windsor.
Si had obviously told his school mates about “my dad had his balls grabbed and was told to COUGH in the army medical exam” When I met him from school he told me ‘they didn’t believe me and think you might be gay’ so to add to the story as a joke I said “And by the time the Colonel had got to me he grabbed me so tight I was nearly sick all over him”
On the way home we have to go into the local ironmongers to buy some cup hooks, the old gadgie who runs the shop is a right snot gobbling miserable old sod so I warn Simon to be on his best behaviour.

Two of Simon’s friends are in the shop they chat and I decide on which cup hooks I needed, I point to them on the display board when suddenly Simon smacks me so hard in the googlies and shouts “COUGH” I fell to the ground in absolute agony and laughter as the little brat and his mates nearly pissed themselves laughing then to a stunned silence the old gadgie looks over the counter and with a dew drop hanging off his snot box he says “Do you still want these cup hooks” then with a shake of his head the dew drop was gone!

I staggered to my feet paid up and buggered off with Simon laughing all the way home as he told me his mates in the shop had dared him to do it. Fair play fair play!! Got home only to realize the old gadgies snot had landed on the bag that he put the cup hooks in and I had put the bag in my pocket. Yuck figging yuck! Snot funny! Cough!! Next day at school Si was the hero with his friends having floored his father and shouting ‘cough’ Stupid idiots!!
Enjoy the picture, I am number 8” (it’s a joke)