Do you forget birthdays?
This is the biggest clanger I have made for a very long time and it will be a long time more before I am allowed to forget it. Lou (my darling wife) has a birthday every year on the 26th August and it is embedded into my mind to remember that special date because I love her (most of the time) So on the 25th I was told and warned by Alice and posh Ann in a text that tomorrow was Lou’s birthday.
I get up at about 4.00am cos of some pains so spend three hours in the office with Nana Moon the bitch dog Zelda my silent Golden Girl secretary a spliff or two some Enigma music a rum and coke and a bit of ‘doing the weights’ and happiness prevails.

I go back in the house to prepare her breakfast (still eating) Cereal and a bowl of fruit and a saucer of milk and a cup of boiled water (which is good for you in the mornings instead of T or coffee it thins yer blood) I take her breakfast into her and get back into bed.
We watch the news it says the date on the screen but still it didn’t register in my mind to say Happy Birthday Darling. After breakfast her says ‘Any news today’ with an emphasis on the ‘today’ and still the penny didn’t drop.

I detect a bit of an atmosphere brewing up in the room as she slams the covers off her side of the bed saying “Right then, that’s it, I shall get up” (she used to go to drama classes you know) ‘Wot, no cuddle’ says Geoff. That’ll be a no then?

This is now ‘me time’ I need to go back to sleep to replace at least one of my lost beauty sleep hours. The house is normally silent cos at this time its shut eye time for one! I am just nodding off when I get woken up several times cos I can hear the occasional door slam and a loud TV from the kitchen so I got no figging sleep at all.

Her comes into the bedroom and snapped “Would you like a coffee” I said “Wots wrong with your face, you got a headache or something” “Nothing wrong with me dear” she says storming out to get the coffee!
I say to myself WTF is wrong with her miserable face now FFS and WTF have I done wrong FFS! I love it when she is in a bad mood she looks her most radiant and if looks could kill then I appear to be in some shit this morning!
She bring in the coffee then goes out of the bedroom and returns with a plate and a slice of cake with a lit candle and starts singing “Happy Birthday to me, happy birthday to me” and I went OMG FFS WTF I am so sorry and she told me to FRO and I nearly wet the bed laughing so much which really did not amuse her FFS!
The real truth about us is this, when we started Car Boot Sales Lou had a birthday one year and I bought her a present that cost sixty quid and a few days later I saw the identical present (an unwanted gift) on one of our Car Boot stalls brand new still boxed for only eight pounds. From then on we decided NO PRESENTS, similarly we do not do Christmas so although I forgot to say Happy Birthday to Lou she made me laugh that much I am certain I will remember it next year but hold on, her gets her breakfast delivered to her in bed every morning of her life, that’s like having a birthday every day FFS! What a martyr I am, but I suppose another thing that really pisses her off is that I can remember all of my ex-wives birth dates, and Lou and I have been together for near 30 years the twat that I am! “Sorry darling, if you don’t want my body can I please go back to sleep now FFS”! She walks out of the room slamming the door! What an Oscar performance, what a bitch life is and then you marry one FFS!
Still laughing! Result or what!!! Ten out of ten my Lou for your brill sense of humour. X

Oh, and just a foot note on this one her never remembers my birthday which is good for me, I am that old I don’t need reminding FFS!

Love you Lou.

X