This may be slightly rude and confrontational frankly ICGAF my lovers! Welcome to CORNWALL!!

Amongst my emails I got a stupid email from some dog fanatic last week saying that I was betraying ‘man’s best friend’ the DOG simply because we are not allowing dogs (which in non-negotiable) at any of our Sports Rugby Clubs Car Boot Sales at either Penryn Falmouth nor Perranporth nor at Trethvas Horse Stud Farm at Mitchell. His prediction was that all of our business is falling apart because dog lovers are avoiding all of our Car Boot Sales which is a whole total load of dog’s bollocks! Mr Arthur Brain might have noticed that we have had some pretty piss-poor weather recently but today for instance at Mitchell we had up to 3000 men women and their kids (NO DOGS) the perfect Car Boot Sale with no hassle! Some people were walking around the sale with ‘poo free’ flip flops on their feet (where else FFS) others just walking through the grass with nothing on their feet and without the threat of squelching slurping smelly pooey brown runny stuff DOG shit through your pigging toes and yer feet FFS! “The fields are alive without no dog-shit la-la-la-la-la” (is it 4 or 5 las?) Mental dear boy mental!!

Basically all dogs are incontinent because you cannot take a dog out to a piece of grass and say to DOG “sit and shit there DOG and don’t waste my time-do it NOW DOG” cos DOG will tell you to FRO, GAFY FFS! So, instead of our Alice’s recommended Butt Plugs I reckon the answer to all of these dog shiddy problems is compulsory ‘Doggy Diapers for Doggy Do-Doo’s’ free to all unemployed able Mable’s in the over 75s aged groups (for their dog you understand) Imagine the designs on the diapers dogs with floral undies or advertising ‘hot dogs from our catering’ imagine the humiliation for the dog when you have to de-diaper them once a day FFS! Out with the doggy-doo-doo changing mat “It’s your turn to change the doggy doo-do diaper darling it’s definitely your turn tonight” Open all the windows OMG I thinks I am going to throw up, wretch, and belch followed by a good old fashioned puke in the bog where the last person to use it did not have the decency to pull the chain FFS!!!

Now then, let’s examine this crap line about ‘man’s best friend’ referring to the DOG! A dog is an animal, it licks its own bum and it licks its own balls,’ it scratches its fleas into your home and emits dreadfully offensive gases into your lives! Humans cannot achieve that, or can they, can you for instance?
DOG cannot feed itself, it depends entirely on you therefore a DOG is most definitely not a human being. When you walk into the room where DOG is the first thing DOG does every time is to look to your hands to see if you have any food or treats for DOG who is constantly wanting tit-bits and DOG requires meals every day of its life provided by you. If you have nothing in your hands for DOG to eat then DOG will silently grunt and fume WTF WTF FFS!! MY dog Nana Moon comes bounding up to me in the office excitedly seeking tit-bits and I pat her firmly once on the left side and once on the right side then tell her to eff off and she does FFS!!
Now then, it is you who decides if DOG goes for Walkies because it is you who takes the DOG therefore the DOG does not take you. The phrase should surely be reversed from ‘MANS best friend is DOG’ to “DOG’S best friend is man” FFS because the DOG absolutely and totally is reliant on man 365 days a year to feed and clothe DOG. Firstly man must look after himself, then his wife and then his kids and then finally and last of all after the cats and the disabled (only 3 legs no Zimmer frame small enough) poor pet hamster comes DOG in that barking order.

If man does not look after DOG then DOG dies hence my analysis of the situation that man can survive without DOG but DOG cannot survive without man hence ‘DOGS best friend is man’ Bottom line; DOG has got MAN by the balls or short and curlies cos DOG has a cushtie life and you are it’s man or woman servant, however If you do not agree with any of the above load of old DOGS bollocks or are offended then that’s fine cos that’s why I wrote it RESULT!, Deal with it me ansum, but for me personally I seriously DGAF, what-ever!! I have just read the above WAALOCMLs?

Punch-line; And, and as a payback for my rudeness about dogs my effing dog Nana Moon puked in my car on my brand new high visibility jacket (just around the armpit and inside the frigging sleeve FFS) whilst coming home from Newquay on Thursday and it stunk to high heaven the fat dirty rotten sloppy smelly scummy bitch that she is, her was eating rabbit freshly dropped droppings and dirty old grass at Newquay’s rotten diesel and petrol fume infested fields which seems to me like a good combination to make the bitch puke up, but not in my effing car, never again FFS-FD!! Delete and block.