Extracts; Dig & Delve in Swanpool Street, Falmouth;

The late Mrs Birch;

Lou used to run our second hand shop and I would look after the Boot Sales. Our neighbours living directly opposite the main Swanpool Street hilly road were Robin and his partner Binks and they had two out of control sons because there was no discipline or smacked arses in their house which was one of the first ever Public Houses in Newquay therefore the property was a listed building. Because of its historical interest it was given a grant to have all of the walls and ceilings re-plastered, I was fortunate enough to know the builder as during his lunch break he would wander around the shop, our daily chats he often told me about the very annoying things the boys did. One day he had stood back proudly looking at the wall he had just plastered lovingly and the two lads drop-kicked him into the wall, hilarious! I cried with laughter as he stood their covered head to toe in plaster, when I saw Robin later I said “I hear your sons drop kicked the plasterer into the wall” trying to hide my laughter. “Yes, well boys do that sort of thing don’t they?” At times he was an utter snob and ‘up himself’ being educated and boarded at Gordonstoun School (same as Prince Charles) but in all the years I knew him he never actually worked ‘just tinkered around’ as they say. I say he was a lazy barst but men do say that sort of thing don’t they? Robin was in the shop most days and always trying to chat up my missus up or more to the point he is always around when customers would come in to sell us their unwanted items, if we said no thanks to the seller dear Robin would follow them outside the shop to do a deal! One day he came seriously unstuck, I had refused to buy some electrical items which I knew were on the Police stolen list but I did not tell Robin that fact. Anyway he followed the two lads out of the shop to ‘do a deal’ which he came in to brag about how cheap he had got the gear. I watched his embarrassment as the Police arrived to question him at length and took away the stolen goods, funny thing is he stopped coming in so regular my lovers! Gotcha!

Don’t get me wrong I quite liked Robin but how a man lives for all those years without an income and no work? That’s questionable but none of my business, when he came to the car boots he was always wheeling dealing he was well liked and a very good spender, that’s good enough for me!

Binks was just a really nice person she dearly loved Robin (at the time) she was a great couldn’t care less happy go lucky person that took everything in her stride and she was a great mum to their two their sons into the bargain, I wasn’t in love with her, I just loved her.
Robin’s Mum lived at the house with the family and towards the end of her life completely lost her marbles, which I think is a lovely way to prepare for death. She knew her end was nigh so her bodily systems and her mental capacity started shutting down which made it necessary for her to be cared for 24/7 and become a pain in the bum for all concerned. I can’t wait for my turn!
Many of her stunts were acted out at of the front door in just her nightie that had seen better days, one day she emptied her bladder by taking a piss down Swanpool Street then she started following the piddle to watch it running down the hill occasionally shaking her wet legs to get the drips off and once again Lou fetched her back to the house! Hilarious and all to the amusement of six of our customers who watched the show! What you been doing today Grandma? “Nothing much, I’ve been on the piss all day” What a nutter, but one of the loveliest Grandma’s you could wish to meet. Being a wheeler-dealer Robin was always looking for ways to save money and when his dear Mother died he came to tell us the sad news and that he was off to Trago’s to get a piece of 8 x 4 board because he was going to make a ‘home made coffin for his Mum, I disputed that he would have enough timber with an eight by four to make a coffin but he was ‘dead’ certain. Now then, two days later he comes across the shop with the worst chat up line I have ever heard knowing Louise was on her own he says to her “I have made the coffin for my mum and she was about the same size as you, would you mind coming over to try it for size”? What a dick-head!
Stumped for an answer she says ‘I will ask Geoff’ so she phones and told me about the cheeky sod’s offer and knowing that Robin might want to do more than ‘see if she fits in a home-made coffin’ I said ‘tell him to GFH and bugger off, I am not having my missus trying out someone else’s bloody coffin, what a sodding nerve’! Robin had started chatting my Lou up from the moment he first saw her but he could never understand ‘why such a gorgeous bird was with such an old git’ should have gone to Specsavers! He has now moved back to Ireland where it is alleged he kissed the Blarney stone and it kissed him back!
My Lou does not respond to being chatted up she has heard it all before, an annoying drunk was being a pain in the arse in the shop one day and as I was quietly ushering him out the door he said to Lou “Your are very nice give us a kiss”? She said, ‘No thanks I have already been sick today thank you’ Good line Lou, now he’s even more of a bloody pain now, he took one look at me and said to Lou ‘what you been kissing that’ so I kicked his arse out of the shop! Cheeky bugger!

On the day of the funeral a red transit pulled up outside the house but the brakes didn’t work so logs were placed under the wheels before the late Mrs Birch was brought out of the house in her homemade coffin covered with the Irish flag. We could not see how well made the coffin was but it seemed strong enough for two mourners to sit either end after Mrs B had been loaded into the truck with the driver slamming the door and another mourner who had waited to move the logs. The transit with the deceased Mrs Birch chugged its way up Swanpool Street belching out a cloud of exhaust fumes and smoke into the sunshine as the vehicle headed up the hill for the church service and burial and to her final resting place how sweet, how Irish, how romantic and how fitting a tribute on a shoe-string budget to a lovely-lovely lady! She would have approved of her home made send off, sadly she is no more. (Tears now please)