Cheshire;
We are now downsizing like fury to get rid of even more clothes and collectables to be prepared for our catering van and its third fully loaded trip back to storage in Truro and it hasn’t been easy at time with me threatening to ‘just go home FFS’ but dear mother in law has made it all most difficult but at times but funny to hell. This morning I walk into the kitchen for breakfast there is Julia who my darling wife has put in charge of toasting 3 tea cakes. That is all we require of you Julia toast the T cakes! Lou had left three plates for Julia to place the toasted T cakes on to the plates Julia there’s a love. She walked to the table with the T cakes on the baking tray Lou says “the plates are over there” She looks at Lou with fury in her eyes “I do know what I am doing” Anyway she takes the T cakes on walk-bout’s around this large kitchen looking for plates that she has walked past twice, this is just like a breakfast cabaret act’ I end up with two tea cakes on one plate a Plate and teacake for dear Julia and my poor Lou doesn’t even get a plate and it’s only eight in the morning FFS. How can I not enjoy the stupidity of that! She eventually sat down to start her serial then gets up once again and searches the cupboards for the marmalade which was on the table already right in front of her FFS. I am out of control with real tears in my eyes Lou on the other hand is sitting there with a face like a fart, I think for my own safety I should just grab a T cake and piss off somewhere for a lifesaving spliff FFS! One thing at the breakfast table that seriously pisses men off and that is what this mother in law woman Julia takes to the extremes with stirring her tea endlessly round and round in a loud fashion and at the end of the stirring she bashes the spoon on the side of the cup several times allegedly shake the drips off FFS I mean the other day her stirred her cup of tea for ages I joke “Julia, there is no sugar in it” She stops stirring then adds another spoon of sugar and stirs for the next 5 minutes then her has the nerve to say ‘My tea has gone cold’ surprise-surprise!

I am someone who likes to keep myself to myself once I have leisure time it is ‘me and Lou time’ Lou shares the same sentiments because we love each other despite us child-minding her 73 year old mother for twenty four hours a day! I had met Lou’s mother my now demented mother in law Julia over 30 years ago whilst I was the boss of Pontins. Her character frightened me that much in those days I didn’t particularly want to meet the rest of her family FFS! Anyway 30 years later with nerves of trepidation I agree to meet with all the members of her family in their homes with the aunt’s uncle’s cousin’s brothers the whole Roden family team and more and they are all superb nice friendly happy successful honest clean living proud Cheshire people. The only slight odds ball in the family were Julia and Gordon my lovers. Everybody was there to help you both but you shunned them all and distanced yourselves from your own family despite their genuine efforts to help you two, truth to tell my lovely. I have tried to discuss this with Julia and she says she doesn’t know what I am talking about, oh yes she does!
But, how is this for a master stroke for not ‘giving-a-fcuk’ for other people’s feelings! Whilst I quite like her Julia is not all that easy to get along with never was nor was her man Gordon although he did allowed Julia to walk all over him in all the years I knew them both, poor sod! But if you men act like a wimps to a women you give them every opportunity for them to treat you as a sexual slave and after they have had their wicked way with you they treat you like shite man so they do FFS! If the cap fits, know what I mean?
Anyway Julia and Gordon decided to sell up their successful guest house with him acting as Basil Faulty and her as Julia in the Lake District. After several years the decided to retire and move to Cheshire where her family lives. Without communicating with anybody in the family they bought a house twice the size of her brother’s house who lived just TWO doors away FFS!!

I mean, the first brother knew about it was when one of his neighbours said to him “Hey, did you know your sister Julia and your brother in law have just bought the house TWO doors away from you, ha-ha he-he” I mean FFS that is such bad manners and it is really saying to members of your family we don’t GAF about people’s feelings? I met brother Ian who is a really decent bloke and a gentleman but I couldn’t wait to wind him up and ask “What did you actually think when you heard about Sister Julia and her man Gordon moving next door to you?” which was a private conversation so I am not repeating it but knowing Julia as I do I would probably have been splitting blood but now he should be delirious that Lou and I ‘have come to take her away ha-ha’ to Cornwall to start her new life and probably ruin mine FFS? I have sold the house to the ideal family with young kids so everything that is good in life comes to those who wait my son! He is a really nice man, very nice man and Auntie Ann is the dream mother and grandmother and he is a very lucky nice man!

We have now got the house looking immaculate preparing it FOR SALE Julia is walking through all the rooms doing a ‘down memory lane’ trip with a little Biddie tear for this room’ and a little Biddie tear for this room which is quite cute really but it is going on and on like a procession of one walking and snivelling in my presence all day long (no real tears) it’s very depressing you know and is getting right on my tits! Stop snivelling woman we are trying to sell your house FFS! One of the neighbours called to ask if her son and his family could look at the house. They arrived, lovely couple 2 nice boys deal done, I sold them the house for £560,000.00 no estate agents fees involved and the sons were deliriously happy with their new home! And, did I get a thank you from Julia, that’ll be a nope FFS!! Next day I do a deal with The Lodge Caravan by selling it to the park owners, after heavy bartering they upped their original offer by £5,000.00 and did I get a thank you from Julia, that’ll be a nope again! Thank-you Thornley Leisure. Whilst the caravan was luxury in every way the holiday location almost on the beach in North Wales was depressing and not the sort of place I would like to own such an expensive caravan however Thornley leisure can earn at least a grand a week for it and I made five grand more than they originally offered so everyone was happy apart from dear Julia and did I get a thank you from Julia that’ll be a nope again! Dear of her!
Today is brain scan day for Julia now we will find out the title of her illness and hopefully get the right medication for her (and for me) I mean she puts me under such stress at times FFS! I reminded her ‘Don’t forget you have got to have a brain scan tomorrow’ “No” she says “I had that yesterday for my tea didn’t I?”

Now then, last Sunday I planned and schemed to listen to football on 5 live Sunday’s commentary match in peace and quiet sitting in my car in the drive, Lou was out for a walk with Nana Moon and Julia had been told we were leaving tomorrow so she should pack only one case because we are coming back next week. We locked the front door for her own safety.

I had fully loaded the car for our journey back to Truro. Peace perfect peace I am sitting in my car in the drive of the house nobody knows or GsAF that I am here I turn on the football peace at last, about twenty minutes into the match to my amazement the front door of the house opens and out steps my Dementia mother in law hat and coat on and with three large bags full to the brim clothes and other stuff that she is definitely NOT putting into my car FFS! I am gobsmacked as she disturbs my footy opening the door of my car saying “Where shall I put these bags I have still got to bring my case then we can go” I tell her repeatedly ‘we are not going until tomorrow’ then she tells me “Lou has gone ahead already with Nana Moon they should be in Cornwall by now” ‘No, that’s not right she is taking the dog for a walk you refused to go dear, now take those bags back into the house and wait until Lou comes back then she can help you decide what crap you can take and what stays here dear which could be that you do not take them otherwise they will all be on your lap for the whole 6 hour journey, is that what you want cos that’s what’ll happen dear? I am the epitome of patience and good manners but it’s all wearing a bit thin FFS. I ring Lou she doesn’t answer but dear mother in law comes out of the house with Lou’s phone in her hand and she tells me “Ring her again, she might answer this time” ‘How can she answer you are holding her phone FFS’ I reply! I mean isn’t that blatant stupidity but fupping hilarious FFS? I was past caring about living cos I was so pissed off that Manchester United who whilst all this crap drama was going on had scored twice and I didn’t get to hear either of the goals FFS and all I wanted from life was/is for a couple of hours was to sit locked in the privacy of my own car and to listen to the radio FFS dear of her!! She take her bags back to the house come backs to the car opens the door starts getting into the passenger seat beside me and says “Right, I have locked up the house Gordon lets go now shall we?” She now thinks that I am the reincarnation of her deceased husband Gordon FFS!
Brain scan is over, well at least she’s got one? Next step is ‘we get a visit’ to discuss the results and find out the way forward. I hope the best for Julia she has become a nicer person having climbed down from her high horse and ivory tower a considerable distance. I cannot wait for the horseshit to hit the fan when she really starts rocking and a rolling the boat should be great fun and something not to look forward to?
Ps; I read most of my writing to Julia and she agrees with the blogs and approves of everything I say, well almost everything you understand?