– GEOFF’S BLOG’S –

It’s 4.00 am, I am in my Mancave at peace with the world, stoned out of my mind for a few hours of being without pain in my pocking legs because of some very special weed given to me by the power of St Piran and St Columb Major so getting out of my mind once a day is the minimum.  I reckon this man Geoff would not be alive if it were not for me smoking de weed man cos it staves off Dementia, How do I know, Cos My Mother-in-law Julia had the early stages of Dementia, I got my Lou to make her some homemade soup and I put some best quality weed into the soup and her scoffed the lot, guess what? She went to her bed and slept soundly in the morning she woke up in a perfectly normal Happy Julia which lasted 3 days ffs Plus, she had the hots for me calling her daughter ‘the other person’ FF sake man, and her could not keep her hands off me ffs. Moral of this story is if you want to get your grannie stoned out of her mind, get her old man a couple of Viagra and stoned and shut them  in their bedroom and they will shag the lives out of each other, just one more time I hear grannie shout, you can shut yer gob  shouts grandad “I’d sooner have another smoke of quality weed ffs”

But I am happy, now then, you will remember I have adopted by a wild Ferrell cat who I have named Cooking Fat a twat of a cat that has drawn blood from me because of its violent claws in a sign of affection because it loves me ffs! Well, what about this, I closed down my Mancave about 6 last night knowing that the Cooking Fat had the doors open to go its way to get the fcking mice mate I mean like stoned  wicked way into the night because I was basically frightened of it and its friendship way of lashing out at me with its paws and figging claws out like daggers to say ‘you’re my friend ffs’ which is a total load of bollocks. I mean if it got near them, I mean near to my goolies bud, I would have to rename fcking myself Clawed king Balls, a tosser NO MORE  ffs! So, in the morning I opened up my MANCAVE and to my stunned surprize the cat had spent the night inside concealed under the lowest coffee table ffs, so it ran past me and disappeared into the night to do its business instead of having a crap in my mancave (nice manners) coming back a few minutes later for its breakfast ffs.   Yo man, you know wot it’s like when you get completely out of it like I mean like stoned, and disrespectfully you think bollocks to the world and like fcking I don’t give shit in my world, which is simple mind your own mate keeps to your fcking side of the fence I need space mate! Any ways up I got the Cat stoned it tried to cuddle up, no chance, I have a plan. More to follow!

That is so not me, I am totally non-aggressive so, what I have just re-read this what an absolute load of bollocks, I have written whilst my brain has taken a holiday ffs. So, I won’t edit it, someone will probably analyse it and tell the world I am fcking crazy man ffs, but I know that already you know what I’m saying my manwoman, and I don’t give a tosser’s wank mate! I, that is me, I am for calmness, peace and love, with a bit of all night shagging, bollocks to that too much fricking energy ffs my brain is enjoying the effects of the weed man, let’s legalise it, but in my world, I is at peace my man and my women and there are others who are not sure wtf fcuk they is or are ffs!

Whenever? I must sober up ffs!

Thank God that the frigging Election is over It was more boring than East Enders or that smug faced git on Britain’s Got Talent Simon Bowels, he doesn’t give a toss about the talent like his women judges they are there to promote only themselves and their near ugly mugshots and their bulging boobs or near naked corpse looks, come on ladies you aint that good, you is and you are getting on in life you know ffs, but Simon is in love with the only person in his world, his ugly self ffs!! His mugshots suggest gayism to me I could be 50% right or wrong about that because I am jealous as I did the same type of presentation at Butlins in the 60s we called it the People National Talent Show which I staged and produced the show with the Redcoats and a 3000 audience every night of the week of the season and I was brilliant, but of course, and I felt loved up to fcuk by the thousands of holidaymakers on their first real holiday since the war plus we had the wild celebrations of ENGLAND winning the World Cup, shagging all night shagging all day even the women were playing their part ffs-ffs!! I mean you cannot beat a good legal ‘bonk’ and a belting good shag n climax ffs can yer though, especially after winning the fcking WORLD CUP in 1966 that’s 58 years ago and I were 27, Come on England ffs!! I think the ex-England Manager was called Southgate a total wanker since he missed a penalty years ago the selectors say, “Give him a chance to Manage England” and he fcuked up year after year the ugly looking sod that he is, so he is, I know I called him a ‘wanker’ which is disrespectful to all other World Wide Wankers, I also called him ugly looking sod, that’s fair aint it though?

I am so chuffed that Labour have won the General Election because I have always been with the working classes of life and I am proud of it, had some great fun, brilliant jobs, married four times so far, bedded 300 ish, Louise has all their names after lengthy interrogation,  now then, here in Cornwall two ladies who wish to be my brides 5 and six have introduced themselves to my Lou telling her to move over cos it’s their turn for me and my body! They are gorgeous, not, but they do each have a great sense of humour and grand ideas of how to bed me which would force me to have a fcking full on TODAY circumcision-dick and goolies mate, gone in a flash ffs!! Do I love them, of course I do, I may get their names, but they are great fun with stubbly chins and all ffs they live love and enjoy life, and they like to wind me up, that’s good with me and Lou thrives on the embarrassment they cause me ffs! It’s people like this that make my world go round especially through me having de weed hangovers each day with more to come.  Chip, please we need to talk, or I spill the beans mate! Geoff.

I am seriously going to sign off now because, I have got to feed and release the ducks, feed the Alpacas, give a treat for the 2 dogs, feed the Cooking Fat and the Cooking wife and my cooking self ffs and it’s pissing down ffs, life is good, especially when stoned my missus looks more attractive when I’m stoned and she takes advantage when I have had a good old spiffing talking at me more like lecturing me ffs so I try to distract her by wanting her body and get told to FRO ffs!! Please be nice to each other, make love to whoever wants your shattered and shagged out exhausted bodies but do it because it is this amazing experience as to just how just how you can work off up to 3000 of her gut life-threatening calories with just three 12-hour non-stop shags mate’ ffs!!

Now this is all you have to do my lads and my man is to convince the lovely- ish wives, partners, whatever ffs that works for you but you my good man, the old fart that you and that you but you will have to lay down for hours with your lovely big bellied darling wife ffs and one of the first ‘SEXORCISES’ is to pummel away at their out-of-control bellies as part of that exhausting session massaging those calories away, tell em what you want ‘Just do it’ ffs!! You cannot beat being in bed and king stoned in the dark cos neither of you are a lot to look at anyway ffs, So, turn the fcking lights off  and get stroking and squeezing and heavy massaging the wife’s belly and wobbling it from side to side and you shut yer figging eyes and dream on a bit, so, if you are stoned enough like out of your mind my man and you keep wobbling it round and round in fcking circles agitation the old pussy now and then use lots of pressure, ffs do it her will start moaning as your massaging the flabbiness of your partners gutsing bellies from side to side, it’s just like you’re in control of the whole fcking wobbling and waving oceans my mate, aint it though and yer mind is going wtf stupid and you are as happy as you do not have an effing care in the whole of your world my mate? It’s even more fun if hers got hold of your hopefully hard-on tiddler and ‘giving it large’ till Christmas aint it mate, aint it though! And then you wake up and it’s all been a freaking dream bud but wet pyjamas! Dream on FFS!

Just Say to the love of your life ‘I love you’ not to the frigging mirror yer twat just pigging say it my man to the woman who has been with you for all those years, I love the way you look, you are the best ever cuddle I have ever had, so far, but isn’t it time 4 U to stop fcking eating FFS woman? Do we love you, but of course, so stay as sweet as you are my darling who is so good to me, we need each other, there is no-one else (that her doesn’t know about fs) be loyal both of you and you’ll get more nookies ffs, ‘now then’ her says “and how tf are yer gonna cope with more wtf ffs, how long is it since yer shagged me eh! especially with your freeking so called bad back yer couldn’t raise the energy to manage just one shag fs, you are an old fart’ True love is an amazing feature in your life, go for it and the belief you will have and live with each other increases but and this is the BIG BUTT! Let’s test each other out!

This is it! It’s test for each other’s loyalty and honesty so it’s ‘hold yer balls time and pussy time’ SO, SWAP yer MOBILES time, do it now ffs. Now then, you got each other mobile separate for 2 hours as a  test for one night only, now then, look at all his or hers pictures, how many times have they sent to gay or mature pictures of their private parts, balls and all that malarky, or their open legged shots showing off their clean but unshaven Pussy Galore ffs, who is  in his or hers contacts, and then get into their phone call records check, who is this bitch? she spies, get it all out on your ownsome, with their phone as evidence, have you been caught out? then you both meet up for a calm non- swearing confrontation and a Question and Answer session then holy fcuk breaks out hopefully, Afterwards, is the best time to say your sorriest and mean it ffs, then it’s full on hands all over the place and within no time at all ‘Oh cum all you faithful’ then you continue the row ffs!

‘Lose some king weight woman’ is totally the wrong thing for a man to say to a woman, even though it may be the truth but let the women say it for herself then quickly get it in fcking writing take copies then plaster them all over the bathroom where she can see in her mirrors just how king much her has to loss ffs, just to make any new impression into the truthful mirrors ffs? Her will then with hope come to her senses and admit at long last to herself,  ‘It is my fault entirely I cannot blame anyone but myself, but I just must have this last packet of Walkers Crips’ then her gobbles them up and that’s her gobbling done for the day amen, shame for her old man mind aint it though ffs, but to get a confession like that without a witness is as rare as her asking for sex three times tonight, different blokes yes, but you! Oh, fcking no ffs!! But Ladies, it comes to mind that you have enjoyed spending loads of his dosh and your dosh on buying multi -hundreds of packets of crisps every year and it is only ‘YOU king YOU’ that’s put on more than a few pounds ffs it’s not just a few but a lot more the more ffs few frigging more pounds my lovely with deliciously over-snacking and scramming on gorgeously edible flavoured crisp lip-smacking tasting spells.

She thinks hah, I am all on me ownsome here alone and scoffing away and no bugger knows it ffs! And I’m gutsing like fcuk ffs and nobody knows hee-hee, oh yes, they fcking do ffs! They can see your body is rising under your clothes which are splitting at the seams ffs especially under your bursting fat arsed jeans ffs and yer undersized bras and yer bulging nipples ffs and yer belly button has disappeared replaced by two what they call fcking spare tyres ffs, in all you has grown a lot my darling ffs which means more king new clothes (Nah, go to the Boot Sales decent clothes from about a bloody pound  mate) (but not in your size though pet) you has thoroughly enjoyed especially with multi-flavoured crisps packets and packets per day and night whilst texting and watching tele ffs, don’t deny it darlings, right up to eating even more king Cripps (she now calls them) (she should follow herself into the bog at times ffs!) (All flavours in one shitting sitting show to speak ffs!!) And, you has gone to a size 18 plus in around 4 and a half fcking  years ffs darling and who tf is to blame but yourself and then we add to all that the fogging bottles of wine and fogging sherry to wash into the now inflated bellies all mixed up with more mugful of sherries and with the odd glass of GORDONS gin & tonic and then another slurp and a burp then the farts start or is it just a couple of bottles of the cheap old Sherry where you get totally slammed ffs on drinking 2 halves of the whole fcking bottle ffs my bird or both halves in one session ‘all night long’ so yes my lovers it’s you, cos you has put one more than a few more pounds but you aint going to enjoy taking the weight off cos baby that aint easy! And, and it’s no use blaming anyone other than yourself fs!

And now the truth! Husbands, seriously don’t care that much about the missus that they love putting on weight, in fact they quite like having all that extra flesh to fondle round the waistline especially in the pigging winter as they their women become like great to cuddle up close to getting horny ffs, why? A. because you love them and B. because its fcking freezing outside and C they love rumpy pumps and sticky Licky and you need her warmth and cosy body to lubberly cuddly tightly ffs. You naturally become randy thrusting too early, but of course man ffs, typical you, take yer cooking time my man then you may not get turned away, but of course my dear one, but what husbands do not like is ‘being blamed for your over-eating too many crisps ffs’ and other light snacks so to speak! So, what are you going to do about it my darling? Now then, let’s get  the frigging Yoga Mat out (Again ffs) shall we, then you can do some private Yoga with that horny woman on tv cos the various painful moves with her des with her body and you my darling will have to endure and do the same whilst watching the same lady and her dog putting you through the actions that hopefully will tone up your body so after two weeks you can look at the scales and see that you have not lost a pigging ounce my lovelies FFS!!

Butts, you have toned up your body so the next step is to eat sensibly within your budget by keeping away from foods that you really like, it’s simple if you buy the foods that will help towards you getting slimmer so how about getting some vegetables and salads, how king boring is that fs, go home be imaginative and make your own invention of a different big bowl of soup, yuck fcking yuck n yikes ffs, every night as your main course only, fruit only to follow, no puddings! Just one slice of bread with the soup dears. Now then if you do that for one month and exercise more, drink plenty of fresh clean water and you enjoy a happy love life ( ins & outs shagging twice a night) (do it on the stairs at midnight pet acrobatically in all positions allowed, don’t wake the kids ffs) you should have lost a few pounds, if you haven’t then you will have cheated and hidden the scales so that your partner doesn’t tell you to ‘jump on the scales woman, the now’ and you have been found out, that is terrible my lovely, it’s no use worrying but try this ‘If you don’t buy it, you cannot eat it’ my lovelies.

Me personally, I don’t GAF about my weight it’s my legs that I am in trouble with. I went for a CT scan recently it was explained to me the various procedures that would be happening, and they would try to find a way to get a blood flow to the bottom of my legs, if that doesn’t work there are other procedures which are difficult and I would be under general anaesthetic, so if anything goes wrong, they may well have to amputate so I have to sign if necessary they will chop one of my legs off! No, fcking No!!  Now then, during our 35 years running Car Boot Cornwall I have met up to with amputees who have had a similar experience to myself, and these chaps made a gallant effort to accept what had happened to them but on all occasions in time the stress factor effects on their relationships were a shame for their marriages because of the seriously disabled husbands. When they publicly speak, they are close to being at each other’s throats and so it gets worse to live with. They were regular customers of ours sadly we have not seen any of them for the last couple of years, or their partners! Now then back to me, Look, I am 86 years old, I do not want an operation nor amputation, my wife apposes my view, tough, my body, aint it though, amen. We have been together over 35 years in love entirely with no disloyalties at all the last thing I want is for my Louise to have to push me around in a Fcking wheelchair that would be sold by that bloody Tim bloke at Truro Car Boot on the day of my demise no, non, FFS!

Crocodile sold at TRURO Car Boot Sale!! NOT TRUE STORY!!

I could not believe my eyes when I saw a customer walking out of the seller’s field with a 2/3-foot live Crocodile which he had bought from the car boot completely without my knowledge which I believe is against the law. The seller Tim had done a complete house clearance it would mean leaving the croc all on its own in the house to die alone so being a kind gent to save the crocs life he brought it to Truro and sold it to a regular customer of ours, neither the seller nor the buyer were aware of any rules about the purchase of the croc, we know the buyer so the story will continue. We have a lovely snake young lady Jasmine she was at our Penryn Car Boot she often walks around with her snake around her neck which is well received by children who will never have been so close to a live snake so that’s educational but we did have one woman over acted and over reacted to Jasmin’s snake by demanding that I bar the snake immediately or she would get the Car Boot closed down! The snake stays, and special thanks to Jasmine and her snake, the kids love both Jasmine and her snake, she has so much patience with them all.  Now then, we have had Parrots the biggest king Owl ever, we’ve had Foxes, we’ve had monkeys, we had a miniature pony it’s legs were all bandaged up with red tape as it was having surgery on all legs, I called him lucky, the owner kept it in a shoe box, if you want to know more about the story ask my missus Lou, poor old Lucky, I doubt very much if he is on this planet as of today’s date so to speak. Maybe he was buried in his shoe box ffs! How, heartless Geoff, hey, we are talking 16 years ago give me a break! Now the truth, the 3ft Crocodile did exist, was dead was stuffed and its gob was permanently open, I saw it from a distance and thought I would be in trouble for allowing the sale for £40 quid’s mate! So there!

I do apologise about this blog as I have not concentrated due to the effect of me smoking de weed my man and some Rum and coke my woman, it has come to my attention that I should shortly be asking for admittance to the Funny Farm, they’re coming to take me away, hah!! Enjoy your life, don’t let anyone ruin your day, be happy, turn the other cheek, it’s a better position So I am told, be in love with you, cos you is special XX

‘All woman/Ladies are their very own person, her is lovely as she presents herself, she is her own queen, She belongs to herself and is not any other persons ownership but she herself, I believe that All women have the DeVine rights to know the total physical love of another or other women (It’s good for birth control) (and I should like some of the pictures please, especially the TRIBBING fs) Breeding worldwide is out of control with births and kids galore being born without the promise of a future lifetime without  being able to work or own their own home at all ffs, amen”  Blame the fecking Tories useless bunch of tossers, not all of them mind, with respect madam sir ffs!! And, if there are any Tories admitting they are a bunch of tossers, welcome to the club, tossing off is good for you! Talking about tossers that stupid gob-shite Nigella FARAGE is the king of boredom, loud and offensive, and the Tories see him as their salvation ffs every time he speaks, he opens his gob and lets the fricking wind blow his tongue around, he is the male version of Margaret Thatcher ffs maybe he should be put with my next bunch of knee jerking lunatics ffs!

Worldwide loony Bastards!  BUT, It is the sodding men of this tiresome world who are the king warmongers in charge of all the wars worldwide that we have nothing to do with and yet we, that’s you and me are paying for the fcking wars FFS so why tf doesn’t someone take out fcking Putin, or King Jon Ung oh me goolies W Anker of North Korea or king Netanyahu the Israeli bum( fc the spelling fs) take those three bleeding knob-ends out of circulation, so, by laying all three of them face down on the ground king in my garden naked of course, then fire one of their own fcking missiles right up there fcking arses Bang!!! Bang!!! Bang all three splatted all over the fcking place mate yer B’stards!!! Shati everywhere, my man., the brown and red stuff, know what I’m a saying ffs? That is so crude geffers but if I do go missing either Puke-in got me or the Funny Farm will have got me, as long as I can grow my own fcking weed I would be happy, but for company I would just take my missus because love is a many splendid thing most of the time, be happy and don’t be difficult to live with, my missus does not read my blogs at all because she thinks I am crude and too confrontational, that’s fine by me but my darling I have built the website to 2 point 5 million hits so far and my readers like me being exactly as I am, a rude gentleman with a vivid imagination full of crudeness filth and fun but in love with all women which pleases my readers so if you are offended by me then I have achieved the reaction I expected my lovers but deep down inside me I love all people from all the multi millions of them from Butlins to Pontins to Newcastle’s Bingo and Night Clubs & Cinemas and all the millions of people who have contributed to the huge success of Car Boots Cornwall for which I thank you and love you! FFS tell someone I LOVE YOU and mean it, and why not surprise them with a reminder PACKET of what crisps taste like darling, ffs!! Ere we go, hers off again, ffs this time she can blame me the dear of her!

TRUST KAMALA HARRIS for ALL RIGHTS to become the President of America and saving the Whole World from demented criminal TRUMP! Der!

For the record you can ask my misses for verification I tipped Kamala Harris as the first ever black lady American President over 6 years ago! I think her and Priti PATTEL (that bossy little Madam) could work together for WORLD PEACE!! Go WOMEN!! Won’t happen, Patel not liked much?

What about TRUMP nearly being assassinated, the gunman “Should have gone to Spec-Savers ffs man!! Louise’s joke! Hah, pathetic!!

STOP PRESS! Donald Trump has just had an arsehole replacement; we are sorry to report that the new arsehole has REJECTED him!

Did you know that I have been married four times (so far) I just like wedding cake and bedding the bridesmaids ffs!

NAMES for yer Pussy Pet is the start of our ‘adults only’ section which was stolen by my good self from XMissy.com an adult website which has been going for as many years as the Internet started which started in (just checking) 1993. Warning XMissy.com is FREE to watch and is a totally full-on shagging of all sorts, stunningly beautiful women, lesbians galore (keeps the birth-rate down, don’t it though) well worth a wank or a slow master -bate if that’s your pleasure, and why not ffs! Anyways up, I copied and printed the list of alternative names for my ladies ‘Pussies’ it has laid in my fanny file for years, I updated it and asked my good friend Martin if we could make a film with music and the “Names for yer Pussy Pet” is born! It’s a good laugh better to be watching it with other people, some of the names I don’t know the meanings, but will you understand and work out most of them for yourselves fs, remember it originated in America wtf enough said!! Enjoy watching it, I bet you watch it more than once, I have no shame it’s for adults (and opinionated kids) to express their interpretation of how tf the names originated ffs, nearly 400 names! Wait till we do the “Names fer yer WILLY Cock!!” will be in our Horny Erotica section coming soon dears!  We Started on the 22 July 2.00pm so if you have any complaints phone the Bloody nosey Buggers the BBC, we need the publicity! Do we need the BBC, do we fcuk!

STOP PRESS we have received over 30,000 views since we started on the July 22^nd which is amazing!

Geoff

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3.00 am latest: I open the front door to leave the house I go to my mancave with the intention to exercise  have a drink get stoned have another drink another smoke and hey presto the music’s good so who gives a fc apart from me because I have just gone to get the dishes to feed the Cooking Fat and it is so pleased to see me in a flash it grabbed both hands with my left hand it’s claw cut into my vein which to start with jetted (exaggeration) blood sodding everywhere, it got two of my fingers which both bled profusely (liar) and I have the scars to prove it see! I have never dealt with having two injured hands as I washed the still flowing blood man ffs and guess what the next thing I did, was to fill the cat’s dishes and go feed the bloody cat but get some fcking gloves man! I have a plan to buy from the Car Boot Sale a metal cat or dog box to put some feed in, shut the fcking door, and hey presto we then go the vets, get it stoned with an injection and cut its fcking claws give it a full health check and put a bell around its king neck to warn the birds whilst it’s under the anaesthetic ffs! So, why do I love the Cooking Fat so much? Because it loves me, in the early morning in the dark when I leave the house it is so pleased to see me it rolls over and over stretches its lovely clean body (it needs flea treatment) then it follows me into the mancave lays down and claws itself up the carpet ffs, mother would go freeking berserk ffs. I am now allowed to stroke the cat (we still do not know what fcking sex it is fs) the stroking twice up against its body but only when it’s eating. There is an also small hole underneath my cabin that you would not believe the Cooking Fat could get into that hole and spends the night sleeping with the warmth from my mancave, that’s fine with me however it gets on really well with the ducks and the Alpacas couldn’t give a fcuk about a stupid cat. The ducks are without doubt the very best animals to deal with, we have 9 left Mr fox got the other 3, in fairness the ladies who were sitting hidden away on their free range eggs when Mr Fox got them, the others are so disciplined keeping as a devoted group in follow my leader who is a randy old sod called Knobby at it with all of the eight girls in his life non-stop even holding the girls with their heads under water ffs while he is shagging away (must try that some day) getting his little winkle shagging away forever, nice work if you can get it ffs! We have bought an incubator more to follow.

Love to you all, You, must love YOU, then why not find time to love your freeking neighbours ffs! If you are enemies with both sides of your dear neighbours it’s time to fess up, you are the antagonists ffs so it’s time to fess up and move on ffs! Is it YOU who is wrong I bet. Just imagine the party and the joy and celebrations of the neighbours when you have finally fcuked off and you can start playing the blame game it was your fault ffs, but I will still love you. Love you, Be kind to animals. Be kind to kids, I love kids, but I could only eat them one at a time ffs!

Geoff

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