It is 4.00 am, I have been in my Mancave since 2 Ish so I am part stoned and out of pain with my boring legs. I was offered a CT scan right in the middle of this holiday which starts today so I reluctantly had to decline ffs however another person will benefit from my absence all is fair!

Now then, as you all know I live in a small farm with my lovely (ish) wife who is going through all sorts of pains (so am I ffs) with headaches galore and somehow or other I am the reason wtf=ffs!! I depart quietly to my Mancave amen hopefully. About three months ago I am sitting in there stoned out of my mind when I looked out of my front door window and there sitting right outside the glass door is a large black and white cat who could not see me through the mirrored glass. I love cats (not being allowed one by my current wife ffs) I observed it thinking it belongs to a neighbour opened the door and it ran away to the gate then slowly came back crying, so I get it some milk and some dog treats if it’s hungry it’ll eat them. It starts lapping away so I tried to stroke it and its claws prevented that so here we have a Ferrell Cat and wild ffs! After a few days I realised that this cat had totally relied on me feeding it but it would not in any way come inside my Mancave sometimes coming to the front door drenched to the skin fmg so I adopted this large beautiful black and white cat who I called Cooking Fat ffs! I opened up a redundant duck house, so the cat had somewhere under cover to live. In the early mornings I would come out of the house and there is Cooking Fat waiting and crying and rolling over its complete body on the cold concrete so pleased to see me and starving, as I walk past it struck with a front paw at me through my pyjamas and I could instantly see the flow of blood the Cooking Fat had ‘paused’ ffs which I thought hilarious in my stoned state, I could not understand how one claw could get through a pair of my flannelette of pyjamas! Now then, Weeks go by the cat is getting more confident and comes into the Mancave snooping around eventually I was able to shut the door on it so I could study it more, it went fcking wild trying to get out the door and going to the curtain and with its claws and starts climbing up the fcking things to the ceiling ffs then clawing its way down, I mean wild or what, am I safe ffs!! I have a wicked idea! I am going to get it STONED to calm it down so I can de-flea it and maybe I might have the balls to cut its fearsome claws ffs!

Cooking Fat is quietly investigating the duck and alpaca foods then settles down beside me (don’t touch me) I think!! I light my Toke blowing furiously smoke at the Cooking Fat which it happily accepted then ‘fcuk me gently with a man called Chip’ wtf ffs the cat quietly saunters to settle down under my desk too close to my naked feet, I continue with the blow-jobbing of my smoke which causes the cat to slumber for its first ever good sleep indoors! Now then, on farmland you get loads of mice and rats but since Cooking Cat has arrived, they seem to have all fluked off which pleases my Lou immensely whoever immensely is ffs, but she genuinely does not like cats! Deal with it my darling deal with it ffs or you are not coming to Portugal see!!

Take Care and love each other and please give up smoking killer fags vote to LEGALIZE Cannabis! I need followers ffs !