Hamburg (Crap) Rotterdam (Great) Zeebrugge (Dreadful) Le Havre (Why)

So, we get to Southampton for this getaway from bldn Christmas for seven days visiting the above countries which were bloody cold to freezing at all times. We board the ship can’t remember its name don’t want to remember its name and find our way to the balcony suite they call it, more like a decent hotel room with a loo and a shower and a very comfortable bed, the widgy balcony was certainly not the place to be especially on the ’at sea’ days when the ship with some 5000 people plus 1000 staff are certainly experiencing the waves rocking from one side to the other, quite nice for a gentle shag with some pretty little maid plus stormy weather, but it’s puke up your guts time for many sea-sick travellers. There is nothing worse than seeing a pretty little maiden (the wife) barfing up and spilling out lunch dinner and breakfast all in one powerful vomit, ready steady go!! W R E T C H ffs!! Take a look at her face as the mouth opens up nostrils  filling up with snot ffs and then her pukes and flicking pukes showering everyone and everything it’s path, Now then, next let’s all have a fight as to who gets the big lumps dears?

As you are at sea for almost two days on our way to Hamburg, we get chance to view all aspects of the bars the entertainment venues and the various restaurants one which led through an open-air swimming pool to a vast self-serving food café…………………………. Now then this is where I get bored in doing this story because I found NO Cannabis Café’s nor even shops selling de weed man, so this cruise is boring. The accommodation was perfect the food was good, but I cannot tolerate management that think they know WTF they are doing cos they are raking in serious money and paying no attention to seriously uniting their paying customers with a complete a lack-lustre and disinterested approach, like, who cares!!

First night evening meal we were shown to a table which was ours for the 7 nights of our stay. Second night you would not believe it but at the next but one to our table to us was some loud-mouth Irish git who was drunk and shouting his mouth off to his mates in Ireland on his Face Time mobile ??? whilst sharing a meal with some woman who allowed him to act like the pissed piglet Irish git that he was, gobbing it off to his mates in Ireland who are delighted that he has flucked off  for a week as he grabbing handfuls of chips from her dish so, like a true gent I complained about the behaviour of a loud mothed Irish twat who let down the reputation of twats generally cos as I understand it twats are useful, a bit niffy at times but hell you cannot beat a good old niffy twat shag  on the carpet can yer though?? That is and was disgustingly rude comment Geoff, for which I owe no apologies because I am not enjoying this cruise at all, by the way the ship is called ‘Eurybia’ ffs, how memorable = not!

Imagine, there are up to 5000 people on a ship, in the restaurant or a café for say 600/400 people and the noise is deafening with the false laughing at rerun family pathetic jokes and old ladies and gents bombing around on their disability scooters racing around monopolising the lifts ffs the dear of them, all  of em exhalation from the old windpipes and smelly grannie and granddaddy farts that go unnoticed but stink up to higher than heaven fcuk ffs. Then there’s the parent who have lost interest in their kids who have to go get their own food for the huge selection available, spilling bits all over the place as they carry their nosh back to the family table ffs!

Lou, my darling missus (allegedly) for well over 30 years and I love people watching but this was ship too far. Don’t get me wrong it was quite luxurious, but everything was so freeking loud-loud man, the alleged audience participation game with some woman screeching through the mike and another blokie compere ruining a rope-pulling challenge. We try to have quiet drink in the next floor up but could still hear the aforementioned idiots competing for ‘gob of the cruise’.

Rotterdam was a nice place to visit, very clean and well presented, Lou was delighted to fine that ZARA was on the first day of their sale which was crowded with locals walking around with armfuls of items they were either buying or trying on, trust Lou her was standing in a queue behind a local lady who had 41 items of clothing to try on FFS!! The rest of the cruise was boring Zeebrugge and Le Harve really seriously pissed me off, we were walking through a shopping mall when I heard a 2 year old child screaming because she wanted out of the pushchair and her father lost his temper as he repeatedly smacked the kid on her legs in full view of the public, I was the only person who shouted to the idiot father ‘STOP you are not allowed to hit children’ their country and us have the same rulings regarding ‘no rights’ to hit kids! The second incident similar in Le Harve again a small child a man was trying to strap her into the pushchair when he slammed her body down smacking her repeatedly, again I let my mouth off “DON’T HIT KIDS” which nearly got confrontational, stupid looking father, or was he?

So, I am not going to tell you much more of the happenings because there were none, The staff were incredibly efficient in every way, I did notice a few snot-gobbling passengers show disrespect to a couple of the staff, ignorance is bliss! A special mention about ‘room service’ you have the same person for the entire holiday our man was called David, he was from the Philippines. His attention to his work was impeccable and although ‘tips’ were included he looked after us so well I gave him a decent tip, he was a credit to the recruiting team, but it is fair to say that all the staff were incredibly polite and good at their work bless em all.

The weather was so cold that we did not venture far from visiting the town centres of each location, I made a giant effort to find the cannabis cafés but they only ones I could find were membership only so as a true gentleman I only smoked two of my spliffs on the outdoor enclosed freezing cold and king windy  balcony which nearly blew my head of as I had gone without for so long days my man, I got up looked at the sea which was giving it some large, I became giddy and had to shout to Lou to open the pocking door man ffs cos she I/ had locked myself out ffs. I staggered to the bed to regain my senses, but the effect of de weed had eased my mind which allows me to forget the leg pains and my general stupidity as I fell into a deep sleep. Now a bit of a nag! We have lost so many customers through cancer caused by smoking cigarettes some of them smoking right up to the day they die. Cigarettes KILL, with over 70 known chemicals to cause cancer whereas, smoking de-weed does not cause cancer, it’s a fact ffs!

The management had got everything right on the magnificent ship apart from the entertainments which was lack-lustre to say the least, there was no Entertainments Manager or a Showman (like Butlins and Pontins) in the old days who you could identify who was in charge of building the atmosphere of the ship, it was the Redcoats or the Bluecoats!!  The alleged Captain made his daily waffles however we never saw him putting himself around on the ship which surely is a Captains job? Reception was a complete and utter joke, and a waste of space therefore people made their own entertainment which was loud brash offensive coupled with the awful bldn cold weather it all did little to enhance the enjoyment of the holiday.

Having run Butlins Entertainment Management at Filey and Skegness in the 60s and 70s with up to 10,000 people weekly with live shows and competitions a week’s holiday was full of enjoyment and happiness with families and their lovely kids crying as they leave after a wonderful holiday and promise to “See you next Year”. The entire Camp was a happy place to be with families and their screaming with happiness kids fs. The entire staff with the Redcoats gave these families full Entertainment with shows, competitions, sports for all ages. Great days!!

Some people on the cruise were into and ‘well up themselves’ on this ship’ but I think it likely too that people will be leaving the ship saying, “we won’t see you next year”. It is very fair to say that Lou and I got on really well and it was a good idea for our marriage to go on this break. Lou was wonderful her looked after me like I was her treasure, and she were mine! I had sex every night, I don’t know how her did. Not a crossed word wtf ffs!! XX

The ship company by the way was called MSC Yacht Club which really meant sweet f all to the passengers and us!

Foot off moment!!

We got back to find our Alpacas were a bit starving, we looked into the 2 food boxes to find empty and in third box was full of sawdust filled by animal minder Rock-on of course hired by our very own nutter Nigel of whom I believe trained Rock-on how to look after our two Alpacas Cadbury and Bournville (for which he was paid) I hoped Nigel has smartly kicked Rock-on in the nuts and for Rock on to do the same to ‘No Nuts Nigel ffs! Proper Cornish, my lover feed yer animal sawdust for every day say Rock on, what a Schmook ffs!!!

Last SUNDAY at TRURO Was so busy with loadsa sellers and buyers but there was stealing petty items (not the Cornish my lovers) but I point out to the stall holders that they are looking after a shop the size of which is no effing bigger than yer bathroom dears so it’s eyes on the prize and not looking at the talent! Several stalls took over £300.00 but the spending was really good so if it was sellable and a bargain it was carried away by happy buyers result or what?

Mitchell today was the first of the season. Lots of buyers but we still get complaints about runners when we start the Car Boot Sale who charge around like effing nutters, last year we had 3 tables pushed over by ignorant dealers, so decisions have been made to bar offenders, send them to Rosudgeon which is on Wednesday afternoons at 3.00 pm.

It was so nice to be back at our Car Boots again with so many lovely people who have been so complimentary and supportive of Car Boots Cornwall, thank you from all of our teams we love you all, well most of you, about half, probably less! Take care. Geoff. XX