Warning;
This is very very rude and may well offend some readers; hopefully!

Girlfriend Rodrigues could not believe her eyes what she had caught her live-in boyfriend Mills doing as her walked into her kitchen. To her utter amazement the boyfriend Mills was trousers down round his ankles and he was actually having sex with her defrosted turkey on the kitchen table FFS! So spotty girlfriend Rodrigues from Wisconsin in the US of A (only in America folks) goes into a rage shouting “that was for tonight tea FFS” her grabs a kitchen knife and stabs the equally spotty boyfriend Mills five times as he defends himself as well as possible also desperately trying to put his ‘rapidly deflating’ wedding tackle back inside his pants FFS!

Now then, the turkey was as dead as a dodo when Mills was having sex with it in fact it had been a freshly defrosted corpse from Iceland no less and was ready for the evening meal. It is apparently not against the law in America to have sex with an animal carcass and it seems the same law applies here in the UK as you will all remember my allegedly TRUE gossip story about our very own dear beloved prime minister Davy Boy Cameron shagging a pig named ‘Mitzy’ Oink, and Oink again in his younger days.
Anyway, spotty girlfriend Rodrigues was arrested and duly charged with attempted murder whilst also trying to do a Vasectomy on Mills who was rushed to hospital to save his life and his dick from the superficial stab wounds. Police later interviewed Mills asking him “Is it right you were having sex with a dead Turkey on your girlfriend’s kitchen table”? “Yes Sir, that is right but I was only stuffing the frigging bird FFS”

Now then, Mills was charged with ‘sexual gratification with a deed animal but his lawyer argued that Mills is ‘not guilty of a crime because a carcass does not technically qualify as an animal’ however if Mills is convicted he could serve up to 2 years in jail! Why?

Because the real reason for the severity of the sentence is thought to be related to a suspended sentence for a previous conviction when spotty Maldoon Mills was found guilty of shooting dead a pig named ‘Mitzy’ for the purposes of carnal relations and his own personal sexual gratification and the possibility of renting it out to our Davy Boy Prime Minister no less when he is next in the US of A FFS.

Mills was remanded in custody at Wisconsin’s notorious County Jail after getting stitched up in hospital from his wounds poor sod, but worse was to come as all the inmates had been told why Mills was in custody. The prisoners were out of control of themselves banging their mugs and laughing and jeering and a Gob-Gob Gobble Gobbling as throughout the prison murderers life sentence hardened thugs burglars druggies and the like all night and all day acted like Turkeys waiting to get their frigging heads lopped off for Christmas chanting “who shagged a turkey? Gobble, Gobble, Gobble” and some more and then some more and so on, the deafening noise was so bad one mealtime Mills was finally told to FRO and leave the canteen, he was duly escorted out of the canteen to the a-cheering and a-gobbling from the rest of the jailbirds back to his cell by fellow prisoners and lifers Sage & Onion FFS who were as gay nine bob notes and they gave spotty Mills a right old seeing to allegedly? (stuffing) FFS! WALOBs!!

Now then, as a Christmas present to yer mum or yer grandma from me would you kindly read her this to her on Christmas Day, also give a copy to your local vicar for his Christmas sermon, go on, go on I dare you. Then see if you can get her to do a good old turkey Gobble, Gobble, and Gobble some more FFS! Most of this story is true and most of it isn’t, but I don’t GAF it made me laugh and I cannot wait for my mother-in-law to arrive for her annual inspection and to test her out with this Gobbling bit, I bet I get sent out of the room for the duration of her stay especially as I have increased her special bed and breakfast rates! FFS!! Result!!!

Enjoy your Christmas Turkey, defrost it over 2 days and thoroughly wash it out before cooking it cos you never know who has nobbled or gobbled it overnight, do you my lovers? OMG Daddy, how could you??

Now my bird, it is now your turn to stuff your very own turkey whilst you are all alone so go for it to your hearts content whilst you shove up handfuls of as much stuffing and crappy gooey mess right up your turkeys arse as you can (are you turned on yet?) then carefully close up your flaps and shove the stuffed turkey and it’s bleeding giblets into the oven with all sorts of root veg then FFS go and wash your furking hands Yuk! Sod that, I am having fish instead of gobbling turkey this year FFS! Merry Christmas my lovers. Hope you stub your toe Oliver, love to Graham?

Geffers final thought;
When you think of the size of a family Christmas Turkey’s rear end cavity (basically it’s arsehole) you can actually get your whole fist inside to stuff it with plenty of room to spare (So I am told) so what TF was Mills doing to get any excitement of sexual satisfaction and gratification out of the turkey’s carcass arse in the first place unless he has got a Willy the size of one of grandma’s large home grown marrow’s FFS!! But then take another look at girlfriend Rodrigues and then take another look at spotty Maldoon Mills, truth to tell is they don’t have a lot going for them do they (bless eh both) but the turkey don’t look all that bad, does it? FFS!!

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