Before coming to live in Cornwall I was the Operations General Manager at Pontins in Somerset Burnham on Sea it was a very quiet respected area and at the end of the summer holidays Burnham would quietly return to the peace and quiet of a retirement resort with lovely coastal surroundings. In the years I knew Burnham I never heard of any aggro whatsoever so I was totally gobsmacked when my mate Paul who runs Taunton Car Boots told me of an incident that got completely out of control involving the Police.

A man buys a music system at the local Burnham on Sea Car Boot Sale from a seller for ten pounds the buyer asks “Does it work” The seller assures the buyer ‘Yes it works’ buyer goes straight home tries out the system and it does not work! Without delay he returns to the stall says the music system is useless and demands his money back. Paul my mate and the boss of Taunton Car Boots was walking in the bossy way he walks (I’m in charge)towards the stall when he notices the two men had started fighting and ‘were rolling about in the grass punching and kicking each other’ with tables and stocks a ’crashing. Paul stands on a chair and starts shouting to the fighting men “Stop the fighting or I shall call the Police” but do they listen to Paul my mate? Oh no, so the Police arrive and it was all a load of old handbags and hot air really but the buyer did have complete right on his side. Paul my mate was overcome with anxiety coming over with a hot sweat when he realised he had handled the situation so different to the way I trained him. One day he hopes to become the boss of Car Boots Cornwall, God protect my lot from Paul and his partner Chris for they know not what a rough lot our crowd are especially the over 80s including Marge Posh Anne and our Rosie.

Once the seller had said ‘Yes it works’ that is a guarantee to the buyer that the seller can be trusted to keep his word and if you return with the not-working item which the buyer did then he WAS entitled to a refund, but to have to resort to a punch up over the dispute is gross stupidity. Recently a man sold 2 laptops at MABE claiming they worked one buyer paid nearly £200.00 for his that did not work that was 5 weeks ago, I am waiting for this seller to return as he had promised refunds if the laptops were faulty but tells the buyers a completely different story on the phone. There is little I can do in the passing of time but rest assured this seller will not be allowed to sell at CBC again, the point I do not understand is ‘why would any person in their right mind take the gamble of buying a second hand laptop at a Car Boot for a couple of hundred pounds when you can buy them brand new for a few quid more and you will get a guarantee for at least a year’ you nutters!!

Lou often brings home gossip from Par, Long Rock and Wadebridge and one man we call Gobby (behind his back) who often talks the hind legs off a donkey’s ass asking Lou if she remembered his woman. Without waiting for Lou to reply Gobby tells her, “Well I caught her ‘shagging around’ so I told her to bugger off” Reading between the lines a few weeks later he is missing her and missing his nookies so he finds out that she has got herself a nice little place so they patch up their differences and he agrees to redecorate the place for her and he spends loads of money doing up the flat with her telling him ‘once it is all finished you can move in, but don’t tell anyone yet’

Somewhere in Hayle!
As an early Sunday morning surprise he decides to go and collect her to take her around the Car Boot Sales starting at Hayle. He arrives at the flat at six in the morning and notices the front door is open when a man walks out whilst putting his jacket on saying “I will leave the door open for you mate” and off he goes.
Gobby walks into the sitting room noticing two empty wine bottles and two wine glasses on the coffee table so he then creeps upstairs and there laying on the bed is his missus bollock naked! ‘And who TF was that man who just walked out this place’ “Oh he has slept on the settee all night” she lies. “Oh yes so how does that explain you are stripped fooking naked you slag” He then makes the most ridiculous statement to Lou which had her in an instant ranting at the bloke as he tells her “After a sodding great row and me accusing her of shagging around again I threw her down the stairs” he bragged.
What a bloody hero! I am not sure there is any truth to this story but Lou certainly wrapped him up in a very few sentences but what stupidity to relate this story to another woman and expect her to understand his justification for ‘throwing a woman down the stairs’ I could never contemplate that, anyway we live in a bungalow!
Before you strike out count to ten then do it again and again FFS! In fairness it is not the men who are the only offenders women also beat up their husbands.

This couple I shall call Widget and Bridget. Not getting his own way (not enough nookies) with his partner Widget decides to go Internet dating so he finds a website ‘NEEDING A SHAG in your area” he pays the fee and advertises himself looking for someone (a female) living in Cornwall. His partner Bridget (the real deal female) becomes suspicious and starts checking the pc and finds that Widget had been visiting the contacts websites of women in your area. She decides to dig further to find out who he had been in contact with. Bridget reads his introduction and sets out to trap the bastard by first replying to his advert under the name of Shirley and asking him for pictures of himself (this is honestly true) and send it to her new email address. The following day Bridget gets the email from Widget with a picture of himself and to her amazement a close up selfie of his Willy! After a couple of emails they decide to meet at a pub where they can ‘get to know each other and even more or so Widget hopes’
Back home Bridget gets ready for her alleged Yoga class and Widget tells her he is going to look at a ‘house clearance’ and off they go in their separate ways.
Widget arrives at the pub to meet up with Shirley newly laundered reeking of some cheap crap aftershave orders himself a pint and awaits his date Shirley to arrive. He settles down to his pint sinking a Viagra in readiness for ACTION!

Bridget walks into the pub straight up to Widget who is gobsmacked she says to him ‘What are you doing here’ “Oh, I just came in for a pint what are you doing here” ‘I am SHIRLEY your blind date you bastard’ and she gets his pint and tips it all over him saying “I will see you at home” By the time he gets home he is pissed out his mind Bridget however is seething.

I saw Widget the following day and he had a severely bruised face and broken glasses for she had beaten him up with her own bare hands. He ached all over and I must admit I did not have one ounce of sympathy for him because he is an ugly sod and he did not know how lucky he was as Bridget is bloody rotten gorgeous but he had treated her like shit.
Bridget is now with a new man in her life who knows how to treat a lovely woman. But, you mustn’t hit each other it’s against the law count to ten then count again. I have been beaten up by 6 women over the years and I enjoyed the reasons so much for getting beaten up in the first place so I didn’t feel any pains my lovers, just memories happy memories.