Warning; This blog uses mildly offensive language for which I do not apologise ffs! My spies have been telling me that someone in Pendeen which is only Just on the map nice place to come from but not to go to, for the record all homes now have electricity but running water and the Internet yet to come for most homes, however Pendeen car boots have had a sly dig on their website at our Car Boot Sales. Now then, our car boots are like sex they both last around 2 to three hours then ‘it’s off’ to rise to another occasion the next Car Booty my bird and why not fs? They, are claiming that their boot sales just off the coast of Pendeen have to last all day, a whole day from early morning, surely that’s what they call a ‘lock in’ Well bully for them because as I understand from my spies that most nay nearly all of their sellers want to get out after 2-4 hours and go to their homes cos the b kids are bored with an attitude ‘I just wanna go home’ syndrome and are playing up mummy up and daddy and mummy and daddy are pig sick of them fer father’s sake ffs!

Besides that, with Car Boots Cornwall we dictate the actual start time and we certainly do not allow dealers to pay up to £10.00 to go into the sale before the rest of the buyers to cherry-pick the bargains I mean WTF is going on allowing the bleedn rich dealers to grab all the bargains ffs? it is our customers at CBC the buyers and the sellers who decide when it’s time to pack up and if they want to go to another Car Boot Sale after then bully for them as well. Wot we ask all of our customers is to stay at the car boot for two hours it is then entirely their decision when to go home because the kids are being a pain in the bum so to speak. And, with respect most if not all of our Car Boot Sales are at least half an hour away from each other and with further respect Pendeen is a registered charity so all their staff are (free) volunteers so staffing costs are NIL, they don’t pay rent and this year they kindly gave only £12,000 to their charity. We have seen the Drone pictures of how busy Pendeen is and the huge income from such a load of sellers, they also claim that thousands of buyers attends all their sales, so what happened to the rest of the dosh darlings I have been asked? None of my business you understand. Charities are very difficult people to deal some of them are ‘so up their own bums’ and some are complete and total R soles as Landlords, I could name several but that’s another story.

Dear Customer; ALDI

When it’s time to go shopping we all like to make sure we are ready for the onslaught and stresses of driving to your favourite shopping Supermarket to get the weeks groceries and of meeting and mixing with other members of the public who are also doing their shopping as well as you fs so there is bound to be someone or something that will really piss you off or get on your tits in some way or other cos they are standing in your pigging way or they are the driving their trolley recklessly as though their trolley has only got three figging wheels going one way and the other wheel couldn’t GAF ffs, or, or, there’re on their pigging mobiles or their b kids are out of control with some squalling (darling) little brats especially at the figging check-out when you are trying to concentrate on loading your bleedn shopping bags ffs (I feel so sorry for the parents, no I don’t) take your little darlings out of the store by the ear until you have them under your control (try a nappy change in the open boot for instance or burp them then we can all can think straight fs) or better still Supermarkets should have free creches for father and child so that mum can shop alone on father’s Barclaycard, what a stunningly good idea, bravo? I mean, some of you do not know how to push the pigging trolleys properly leaving them in the middle of the aisle so no bugger can pass ffs and the ones that really piss me off is the mouthy family member shouting to another family member who is in a different aisle ‘do we need Ketchup Beryl’ I mean you do not get that sort of behaviour in Waitrose or Marks & Spencer do yer though? It seems to me that most of the real gabbiest of Gobi gob-shites shop at either Lidl or my favourite Aldi in Wadebridge store ‘bless them all-great characters in their own world but figging idiots in the real world ffs’ I mean you know the sort I mean don’t cher mate? Aldi is next door to the superb replacement of rotten old Woolworth’s so now we have the very with it and famous B & M Stores. I love B & M they sell really cheap dog treats and ‘cheap’ feeds for the bird tables and the staff seem a happy bunch, up their wage to be ten quid an hour cos that’s what I pay my team.
My darling missus (4th and current wife so far) my previous 3 wives died the 4th one won’t ffs! Her does not like shopping at the best of times (apart from pigging six hundred and fifty quid handbags fs) but especially when its school holiday time coupled with the huge influx of tourists and their caravans and their bleedn cars causing traffic jams and pollution at peak season the ‘Emmits have arrived’ (Cornwall needs their dosh) so everyone is in everyone’s way and my dear Lou treats it like ‘We must be quick its rush around time it’s a matter of life or death so let’s load up the trolley quickly and forget what TF we came in here for in the first frigging place and let’s get the hell out of here ffs’ says her. Her and her mum do not know what ffs means ffs. It’s Friendly Farmers Society ffs for short innit? Whereas with me, I just like to just saunter around to annoy her slowly reading labels and getting in every bugger’s way ffs great fun! I look at sell by dates and I look for trolleys where the owners have parked their trolley up and gone walkabouts so I load their trolleys up so that when they come back they don’t recognise where the fcuk their trolley is ffs! I love watching people and listening to their chit-chat especially to the men who are totally under control of her indoors old bossy boots herself, get me this and get me that ffs and we don’t need this and we don’t need that and put that back on the shelf ffs, he is seriously getting on her tits so to get rid of him her demands him to go and find me a packet of sultanas over there somewhere knowing full well it will take him forever, but me I am taking my time which really pisses my missus off amazingly. Great fun now then, it’s ‘she hot flushes day today’ accompanied by another headache as well today (every day) so I could be wrong in every frigging thing I do for the entire day ffs.
Do you know there are times in your private lives as husband & wife or similar depending on which side you dress in the morning that you will fall in and out of love with the love of your life over the slightest of little things that will totally piss you both off and it’s like a world war has broken out between two people who were in passionate sexual clinches in love (tissue time) before getting up today but now, I hate the guts of him or her and let’s be very flocking rude and thoroughly ignorant shits to each other all frigging day and let it last until he-her says ‘I’m sorry it was my fault, no it flicking aint and I am not giving in ffs so today it is my turn and I have not done anything wrong ffs do I care, do I fcuk, on this particular day we weren’t really talking resulting in grunts to each other, how pigging rude is that ffs I think from now on I will call her ‘the grunt’ fs! (perhaps it’s the stress of mother in law who has Dementia) but I do not get stressed about Julia she don’t bother me none.

Dear Customer!

Neither of us are in a good mood so the smallest incident will really piss me off and this is what happens each time we go into Lidl so welcome to the real world my man! As soon as we had walked through the doors at Lidl Store we get this loud message over the public address system in a snot-gobbling posh voice “Dear Customer, we are opening till 4 will customers please use till number 4” so queuing customers eagerly rush to pile their goods onto the escalator counter thing anticipating immediate service, the next pigging announcement “Staff required for till 4 please” wtf? So they wait, so they wait, eventually a cashier arrives then a few minutes later “Dear customer, we are now closing till four will customers please use the other tills” ffs, I mean, wtf is going on? we are all being brain-washed with these noisy interruptions to your shopping which disturbs your concentration time and again and today without any exaggeration I counted 23 freaking “Dear customer” and “Manager required” and “Staff required” announcements and I was only in the store for about 40 ucking minutes ffs but the stupidity of it is that all of the staff have headphones and mikes and they are constantly jabbering-on to each other non-stop so why TF don’t they communicate without loud and ferking constant “Dear customer” interruptions into what is supposed to be a pleasant experience ffs.
I mean just imagine being a member of staff at the end of the day ‘the dear of them’ as they have listened to thousands and figging thousands of beep-beep and more pigging beeps at the pigging beep tills and on top of that they have to freaking listen to at least hundreds of their ‘Dear Customer’ crap. At the end of my ordeal at the checkout but not for my missus oh no, she got even with me for what reason I know not nor care not, her flashes her bloody £650.00 bag for all and sundry to see that I had (been conned) purchased out of my in-debt pension that I could hardly afford fs then her has the pigging nerve to say “Oh dear, I haven’t got my card will you pay Wiles” thereby making me pay ffs! Ouch, nice one Lou, it’s only lent as they say.

Now then, Dear Aldi, I think that their ‘Dear customer’ voice sounds a bit too bossy and snooty and commanding and is talking down to people especially if you say it in olde English my lovers, so with a toffee-nosed voice and stick a plum in your gob and say ‘Dear Customer’ 23 times and it would seriously get on yer tits wouldn’t it my bird ffs but when you hear it so many times you wake up during the pigging night to go for a piss and the first thing you think of is ‘Dear customer’ and you can’t think straight let alone pee straight ffs, so with respect I know all about staff cut-backs but those cut-backs should never be at the expense of the delaying of you’re paying customers, and the somewhat I’m busy attitude of the under pressure staff well worthy of at least £10.00 an hour! However, and whatever Aldi is a superb store and so is Lidl both with polite-ish fellow customers all of their stores have great products great prices great value and all of the staff deserve a rise so all is great at Aldi apart from “Dear Customer” How about “Hello Playmates” Good god am I really that old? If I had the freedom of a Supermarket mike, I would have customer dashing all over the place after I have announced absolute bargains that do not exist and during school holidays; I would announce all CDs and computer games are now reduced to only one pound £1.00 each for the kids only, I would offer free giant gob-stoppers for all babies entering the store to minimise their squalling I would organise a wheelchair dash for the disabled and a mum’s pushchair dash (with squalling child) only on the diaper aisles though and I would have a doggy dash to the meat counter, I would charge £1.00 admission grannies (I love grannies) lesbians (I love lesbians, greatest birth control in the world) young mums) (I love young mum’s for the future of the world, granddads two quid’s) to enter the store with all proceeds going to me, I would grab all the dosh then fcuk off on holiday only to come back and find out I was sacked what tf for I have no idea ffs! Geoff Says!

Back to mother in law who as most readers know Julia is Louise’s mum who has Dementia, it is really sad seeing her senses gradually closing down but to her credit she has still got a very good sense of humour and she adores me, she has now referred to her daughter her carer my Lou and my wife as ‘the other person’ who lives in our house which I thought hilarious my Lou was not impressed, she gets quietly pissed off with her mum who shows absolutely no appreciation for her daughters efforts at all. Julia has an ex-nurse who comes to look after her called Sian her is lovely and her looks after personal matters making sure Julia has a bath or a shower and gets her hair done, she makes sure Julia doesn’t fall over and lose the banana shaped bar of soap which Julia keeps looking at to find out where to put the batteries ffs, buzzing and hilarious fun one would think! Sian is the mother of Rhiannon who has just returned from her charity work in Kenya. The very pretty Sian (from a distance) (I jest) has been coming to the house for over a year, she can be standing next to Julia and I ask her ‘Julia, are you pleased to see Sian’ her says “I haven’t seen Sian for ages” ffs! I mean that is pretty rude but she’s got Dementia fs so take it on the chin Sian and Lou, she is not purposely being offensive but I do understand how Julia offends, truthfully she can be just as rude to me as she likes I don’t GAF but I don’t take it personal cos after I have had a couple of spliffs the dear of her I don’t know WTF her is on about and nor does her so I does agree with almost everything her says so let’s all be loony together at the same time ffs, I reply with total gibberish crap so everyone is off their trolley rockers at the same time which Julia really enjoys, no wonder the wifey likes to get tf out of the house and do a lot of gardening ffs! Sian is Welsh (I won’t hold that against her) she has a brilliant sense of humour and she is a real love and so important in Julia’s life and her well-being so it is a combined effort to make her happy. People say, her son in particular said ‘put her in a home’ but why? She would lose her dignity and she would cry forever but here at her home she amuses herself she likes to be alone with our two Chiwawas, she is really quite fit for someone who does not exercise, she eats up all she foods slowly so slowly driving my Lou near to bursting point (because she want her pudding now ffs) Julia sits opposite to me so if you can imagine someone staring at you for ages with her face-full of double chins she looks as though she is staring at me over a pile of crumpets that are continuously on the wobble ffs! But me, I am really happy at the entertainment as I watch the days go by where our private life is on hold caring for Julia who aint no trouble really just let her do what her wants to do even if it is creating piles of toilet paper that she has taken apart every piece by piece of toilet paper off the bog roll and then another bog roll as her puts it all in piles on her desk as she is anticipating using only one piece of toilet paper each time her goes to the netty ffs, one piece aint gonna be much frigging help is it my lovely because your way it means shitty sticky and stinky fingers, now go and wash your filthy hands yer dirty biatch and use a nail brush then throw it away ffs pet!

Leave her alone she is happy, amen.
One last quick story, we are having our meal Lou me and Julia who opens her handbag to get out a toilet roll ffs she rips off about 10 pieces folds them up and shoves them under her leaking and snuffly snot-box with the appropriate sound affects fs her is eating with one hand holding her fork the other hand is gripping her snot-box for almost the entire meal which Lou and I have to endure this whilst trying to enjoy our meal, worse was to come we cleared the table off apart from Julia’s. I went back to get her plate and was horrified to find her using the same damp and snottiest snot-rag tissues that she had been shoving up her snot-box all during the meal, she is now wiping and cleaning and polishing off the glass topped table ffs! Snot smears pigging everywhere ffs! I mean yuck king and king yuck again woman ffs, but leave her alone she’s got Dementia fs don’t you know. I apologise for using ffs’ but I mean fer fcuks sake! Hilarious fun, I can’t sit down to any meal without thinking about it and I want to barf up FFS, next time I shall take the bleeding tissues away from her and let her nose drip into her meal or put a pelican bib on her to catch the dribbles of snot and empty them in her drink ffs. I mean slimy or what WTF!
It is horrible for my lovely Lou (who I love to bits ish) to see her mum out of control of herself, Julia who had been a very proud and successful teacher for many years in Newcastle she knows time is closing in on her but she will fight in her own way to survive with our help and with the help of all the people who have been so nice to her at the Memory Clubs that she attends with the beautiful Sian. Please be nice to all the genuine carers of Dementia patients and give high praise to all of those wonderful nurses who work tirelessly dedicated to the care of Dementia people. Go NHS! Thank you. Thank you, Sian. XX

And finally, I often get comments about these blogs fortunately they are all very complimentary and it seems the only reason that they read the blogs is because of the confrontational rude and upfront crudeness and the swearing by letters most paragraphs. I recently met the most beautiful young Chinese lady and her father who both love our Car Boots at Truro and St Columb Major, they were so complimentary about ‘Geoff Says’ that I was glowing with pride anyway after talking with this lovely beauty queen with a stunning personality I learn that she is 23 and has just passed her degrees to Graduate to Keale University where within a year she will become a Plastic Surgeon with an ambition to help burns and tragedy victims rebuild their images and their lives. At the end of our conversation she asked me ‘Can I have a hug please? I was totally privileged and gob-smacked and yes, she got the hug and last Sunday she came for another hug and to say she was off to Keale. I didn’t get either her name or that of her fathers but I hope that they will keep in touch in some way. They read my blogs. Sometimes in life you meet wonderful people and for this young and beautiful lady to have the ambition to spend the rest of her life dedicated to caring for accident and trauma victims who will need her Plastic Surgeon skills to rebuild their damaged bodies is worthy of the highest praise. The last thing she said to me was ‘You will live to 200 years’ Good god my face is like a bag of prunes already, I would need a Plastic Surgeon to rebuild my face completely, but no I wouldn’t want to live that long just imagine having to work at least up to the age of 150 years old or trying to get an erection (if you’re a bloke) at that age Dem bones Dem bones Dem dry bones ffs! No thanks I will settle for the first hundred then reconsider, I should be so lucky!! Get in touch please? Geoff XX

Finally, finally yesterday at Newquay another compliment “You must be Geoff” from a pretty young mum followed by her husband “We just love your blogs they are so good I read them to my husband at bedtime” and he agreed! I mean what is going on in people’s lives in the bedroom nowadays ffs I feel as though I have been in a threesome and knew sod-all about it. But what a compliment, I can see him all tucked up in bed “Come on darling give it to me it’s sleepy bye-byes time with Geoff Says just read it to me or I’ll scream and scream until I puke” Whatever turns you on my lovers whatever turns you on! Love you, for a few quid I could consider calling round to read the blog myself to him, I could do with the dosh as I am behind with my payments for a bloody expensive handbag fs. Thank you all so much for your support, will you buy my book please? XX