Have you ever had a nervous breakdown?
So where do we start with a nervous breakdown or is it all in the mind? Several years ago before we got involved with Car Boot Sales we ran the famous Dig & Delve in Swanpool Street a second hand shop which when we opened locals traders gave us no more than three months before we would close down, the same shop is now in its 27th year but all the local voices of doom who predicted our trading demise are no longer in business so bloody there!

Life was good in those days people would constantly arrive at the shop to sell their unwanteds and estate agents would use us to deal with house clearances so the shop was an immediate success. I used to get very frustrated within the four walls of the shop, previously I was General Manager of Pontins in Brean Sands Somerset with up to 5000 people a week and a staff of 300 and here I am in a lock up shop earning a good living but not happy.
The local’s tourists and students supported the shop and the popularity was phenomenal but I had this constant urge to get away from the shop as soon as possible. My personal popularity used to really piss Lou off because if I was in the shop the entertainment was nonstop with lots of good banter between the customers and me (but the takings went up) but Lou wishing for a peaceful life could not stand the customers standing around and basically wanted me all to herself. (I can totally understand that)
So life wasn’t too bad we had (still have) a wonderful relationship and enjoy our very reclusive time off to ourselves. On a rare occasion Lou and I decided to go to Plymouth to see EVITA. During the interval I needed some fresh air and I felt really rotten and sick and thoroughly pissed off but worse I did not feel I could cope with life and the stresses and worries of living. What brought this about I have no idea suddenly I feel worthless and that the whole world was against me. My body felt drained of feelings I had simply had enough and I wanted to opt out. I did not want to work and I could not control my mood swings I kept crying my morale was totally fuct and I just wanted to lay in bed and for the whole world to just ‘go away’
I went to my doctors who was as useless as a dog lead on King Kong’s dick. He was giving me all sorts of depressants and anti-depressants that made me even worse and out of control of myself. He tried to survey me “And how is your sex life now Mr Viles” (daft sod couldn’t pronounce his WWs) I replied ‘Mine is fine how is yours’ and I believe from there on in his dislike for Mr Viles was permanent! Result!! He sent me to painting classes when I arrived for the first time (and the pigging last) there I was with 20 other total nutters but some of them were a lot nuttier than me and I could see myself staying no more than five minutes so I politely excused myself and went back home to bed to try to sort myself out.

Lou had been an absolute gem (still is) looking after me and our shop but when she told me the Dig & Delve gossip that ‘she and I had broken up and that she had got the shop in settlement’ I was deeply pissed off, this was like a WAKE UP call to sort myself out. The voodoo doctor and his medicines tried over several weeks have not worked so it is now up to me to get myself right because Lou does not deserve this shit.

Within six weeks I had completely turned myself around, I bought a couple of sets of weights got loads of exercise stopped smoking we became closet vegetarians and over the next few years I/we built up Car Boots Cornwall with 10 locations, sod it!

Seriously you can control the effects of a nervous breakdown with sheer determination and a supportive partner for I know of another couple who over many years the wife has been going through serious bouts of depression and at times is a right miserable old sod but she is so loved by her husband. She knows he loves her but she is neglectful in returning his love so she can’t be bothered (arsed) but she does love him.
She certainly can nag on a bit, I don’t know if she is a mother-in-law but she could compete well with mine who can fire up just like her daughter-my wife has been trained!
I have heard them both having a right old ding dong battle (hilarious in the public arena) The only thing going for him is that he wears a hearing aid and when she goes on her rants he pulls the plug out of his ears saying ‘yes dear’ every few minutes.

They have 2 Jack Russell dogs who seem to carry the same depression around with them with their slouched shoulders and hidden tails and their really couldn’t GAF attitude. Imagine that, being seriously depressed also having two manic depressant dogs to cheer you up but the punch line to this is that the dogs actually sleep in the same bed as this couple so they all get (and deserve) each other twenty four pigging hours a day FFS! The dogs don’t understand WTF she is saying to them and he has unplugged her so you’re now on your own baby!

Recently she went to hospital for one of those ‘women operations’ and her depressions seriously set in whilst staying at home convalescing. Seeing the husband at the Car Boots on his own I always ask “Where she is and how she is” he tells me she is so depressed it is difficult to get her to come out. I sent a message “You telI her that I want to see her” Two days later she appears looking absolutely knackered but pleased to be back, apparently she had read one of my Geoff Says ranting’s telling people to get up off there fat arses and get out there and get some exercise and some good old Cornish fresh air and STOP feeling sorry for your bloody self! As she reads she says to herself’ that’s me’

Before she had left the sale the colour had come back to her cheeks the bags under her eyes looked as though they were receding (from a distance) and her old man looked a bit happier (unless it was indigestion) but he can be a miserable old sod at times as well.
So yes you can control depression by having something else to occupy your minds like the car boots where you can relax without pressures and hopefully the friendly atmosphere will take you away from your worries and concerns then you can go back home after being out in the fresh Cornish air, you have had some exercise so have a cup of coffee and fall asleep in your armchair and wake up still a miserable old git, bit like me really!
But remember this; you die if you worry, you die if you don’t, so why worry in the first place FFS and if it’s worry about debt, if you aint got the money you cannot spend it. Been there done that. Move on!!

This is dedicated to my anonymous couple whom I try to council and analyse their problem, I think he should smarten himself up, have a proper shave, take a couple of Viagra’s put on some aftershave and a nice clean shirt not forgetting to ‘wash down below’ whilst she is upstairs putting on her makeup fish net tights and corselet. When she comes downstairs don’t take the piss just tell her she looks lovely and you still love her (just don’t put your figging glasses on FFS) and you love her to bits and spend an hour making wild passionate love with each other by having a good old fashioned Cornish style shag (make her do all the bloody work) Whilst all this is going on your depressions will disappear so make it last FFS!
I admire them both and wish them total happiness so get it together you 2 coz you really need and deserve each other so start off with taking the dogs for a long walk to the beaches. Now where can I get one of those deaf aid things?
Oh, and by the way kick the dogs out of the bedroom and STOP bleeding smoking dears!