Today’s email;
Name: Dee
Email:
Subject: Dog’s exclusion

Message: It’s a shame that families with dogs are being excluded from some of your organised carboot sales. I always bring my dog along with me when I come on holiday to Cornwall with my husband and kids who like me love nothing more than spending their holiday money on picking up a few bargains. It’s a pity therefore that none of us are now able to come along this year as we are unable to leave our family member in the car. Also, I bring my dog along with me as she is part of our family, and not an exhibit for a dog show. Yet again, it’s both the irresponsible dog owners who don’t pick up after their dogs and the anti-dog/family that ruin it for others. I’ve always found the people in Cornwall family friendly. I just hoped it would have stayed that way. Kind Regards

Dee

Dear Dee,
Firstly, I want to assure you that you will always find the people of Cornwall family friendly but there are times we just love our own company that much that we are inclined to keep ourselves to ourselves and tell the rest of the world outside to sod off which might appear snobby and rude and indifferent but we just like turn everything off and enjoy living our own lives. However you will not find a friendlier atmosphere than most of the Car Boot Sales in Cornwall so welcome and we hope you have a lovely holiday and that you have brought plenty of dosh (and poo bags) to spend on the magnificent bargains at all of the South West Markets and Car Boots.

Thank you Dee for your contribution on the everlasting subject of dogs at our Car Boot Sales and I accept that a dog is part of a family and it’s nice to bring them on holiday but from my studies dogs do not like Car Boot Sales that much. The majority of people coming to Cornwall who bring their dogs can certainly exercise them at their holiday locations or the caravan parks before you leave in the morning where they can have their pee and poo in peace (anywhere apart from my locations)

Respectfully, may I ask what happens to your dog whilst you are all out to work or shopping in town centres or you are having a family meal in a posh restaurant or you all decide to go to the cinema or theatre my deario? The pooch cannot come so it has to stay away and it won’t know what it is missing because its brain power is not thinking ‘WTF am I missing’ more like ‘if they have all gone out then who TF is going to feed me’ or if someone doesn’t come quickly I am gonna ‘do a runny dump’ on her new carpet FFS.

I love your sentiments Dee and I do get the impression you were near to tears, so let me put your mind at rest but first I find it difficult to call our dog ‘a member of our family’ a member is entitled to vote mine can’t even talk yet the stupid mutt?

Here we go,You are not allowed to bring dogs to Mitchell which is the Landlords ruling.

You are not allowed to bring dogs to Penryn or Falmouth Rugby Club because they are sports grounds.

At the moment you are allowed to bring dogs to Truro (but not in the cattle pens areas) (because if there is any cow poo laying around your dog will scoff it in no time)

Newquay Circus Fields dogs are not all that welcome but tolerated by me and our teams and at Wadebridge (strictly on a lead- fitted with personal doggy butt plugs) and Lanhydrock dogs are welcome.

But at Par Market there is a very special ‘doggy enclosure’ to die for that I have called POOLAND! Just on the right of the car park entrance there is a large enclosed doggy doo-doo grass field and dogs absolutely love it cos to a dog it is like heaven, where else could a dog find so much stinking and honking clues and messages that are in the poos and the pees shat everywhere for your pooch to investigate.

Your dog will adore POOLAND like it’s a ‘sniffer’s paradise’ it’s like a special doggies doo-doo dumping ground ‘let it drop, and let it plop, this is it, let’s have a shit’ and there are hundreds of amazingly good stinky poopy doggy smelly arsed messages left over many years discharged at the foot of the trees from countless dogs rear ends of all shapes and sizes revealing; are they are on heat or not? are they well or not? do they smell sexy or not? or have they had ‘it all taken away or not’ or not? Do they have balls or not? Are there any virgins droppings to investigate or not? have they ‘had it’ recently or not? and what sort of menu are they on as they dump their dumps upon the ground but it will all have your dogs besides themselves ‘quivering and tinkling and tingling its own sweet stinky poop messages’ from the first tree to the last FFS!

And, and as an added treat your dogs can munch away like dogs do at millions of the rabbit poo droppings liberally spread in Pooland for free FFS. And if you dog gets really turned on by any particular doggy doo-doo odour it can roll in the grass and get covered in crappy pappy poo to take home with them in ‘your’ car FFS!

They will enjoy the Par Market Doggy POOLAND so much that much that you should really consider a family outing to Par Market (bring loads money for the bargains) say on a Wednesday when the Market is open also every weekend so you can take it in turns to go to the Market whilst the others say ‘let us treat the dog to POOLAND’ “Yap shouts the dog, I will go along with that cos they even provide poo bins and bags so I can empty my bowels and bladder and crap to my hearts content! and everyone in the family has had a lovely day and bought some bargains and doggy bones as a treat from Par Market!!

Bottom line:
And, and when you all meet up and you become a family again you pat and stroke your dog and say ‘did you have a nice time then pet’ the dog will be so totally content with all that fussing, the more the merrier cos you will be carrying and spreading all of those doggy doo-doo smells from ‘sniffer’s paradise’ with you on your hands and your clothes and when you all get in your car it starts sneezing FFS, lets all go home shall we? No wonder the pigging dog keeps coming up and sniffing you FFS!!

And at the end of your day some of you let your dog ‘come to bed’ with you and I know of at least two of our customers that let all three of their dogs go to bed with them and under the covers FFS and you wonder why TF you wake up in the middle of the pigging night scratching your googlies or yer arse FFS!
Yuk, to letting yer dog sleep in yer bed unless it’s a Chi Wawa of course. I know that’s not how your spell it but I have been up since three with pains galore but two spliffs later I don’t GAF! My darling missus says that I say FFS too much, with the fondest of love to my Lou I say ‘go about your business woman at least I can spell FFS! So I don’t GAF, FFS! But I do love you darling but not yer hot flushes FFS.

Seriously, CBC is 26 years old and I would love to have the balls to say NO MORE DOGS but there is another more serious problem that I would like to tackle first and that is people selling on a stall and smoking to their lungs content and it is the height of bad manners! If you see a seller standing at a stall and they is smoking then ‘walk on by’ do you really want to buy something that has been brought to sell in a stench filled car and take it into your home? It is also offensive to your neighbouring car booters having the smell of two poisons Nicotine and Tobacco wafting in theirs and their customer’s faces and young children’s directions.
Take a look into a Marmite jar my lovers and just imagine that it is the tar scraped from the inside of a dead smokers lungs, don’t do it my lovers if you love your life and your husband or wife and your kids and the rest of the family. They cannot afford to lose you and you cannot afford the fags FFS so “Stop now, if you don’t buy them you can’t smoke em you”

At the end of each car boot sale our teams pick up litter (not your rubbish please) and amongst the selling spaces it is amazing how many cigarettes people smoke and stub their wet fag ends out onto the grass, that is almost as bad as spitting FFS. Some smokers come to our boot sales to sell items and it is not unusual to find up to 30 fag-ends at one stall which I believe would cost about fifteen quid, what people do with their own money is their business but if they are abusing their own health at the expense of blowing smoke into my customers surroundings and treating farmland as an ashtray then I must listen to the genuine complaints. Dog ends-Dog poo! Same difference but bloody offensive FFS!

My one picture is of a butt plug modelled of that complete full time total knob-end and grossly offensive American arsehole Donald Fart- Trump who has absolutely no respect for women. He is an ignorant shit-hence the butt-plug.

Donald Fart-Trump recently spent time in hospital having an arsehole transplant but the new arsehole has rejected him?

Apparently they have sold out of the Tony Blair and George Bush ones known as ‘the bomb-bum boys’