Tunisia; Part 2
11 pictures; Updated 12.00 noon 14th March
Next morning at five she starts her bloody snoring followed by another vicious attack of sneezing where she almost head butted me out of the bed, sod it I will go for a jog through the gardens then to the Spa to do some weights and go back to collect her for breakfast. I tell her about why I went out so early but she did not remember a thing, could it be she is sobering up completely we must buy some drink today (she went home sober a couple of weeks ago and the dog bit her) we don’t drink a lot Lou spills most of hers. I know if I get my hands on a pint I will drink it alone so I can hear it going down!
After the fullest of breakfasts we to go to Hammamet town centre by taxi and were dropped outside the 900 year old walled city and got caught by a brilliant con! As we got out of the taxi I made arrangements for the same driver to pick us up two hours later when to my surprise a man came up shook hands and said in very good English “Do you remember me? I am Moonie and I spoke with you at your hotel yesterday I am one of the Chefs and it’s my day off so if you like I will show you around the walled city” It was quite possible he did speak to me but I did not recognise him and I could not imagine him and his size working in a hotel as a chef (forewarned is forearmed) however we went along with his idea when he suggested we should look at the way in which handmade carpets were made in this country and are exported all over the world. We followed him as he guided us around this old city starting with a visit to his cousin’s shop (he says) and the cousin treated us like bloody idiots pointing out lookee shoes your size and look at the cigarettes galore, ‘you buy no’ NO!

We left cousins shop with Moonie who was constantly on the phone organising the STING! In other words this man was on a commission and he had brought Lou and me to this carpet shop, so if we bought anything he would get a slice of the action in commission. We were ushered into the shop where an even bigger conman we shall call Mr Ican Tossoff said to me ‘sit down and watch me sell your lovely wife one of our finest carpets which we can deliver to your home address and you can pay by credit card’ Me thinks, Game on, go for it! But before you start Lou does not go for bullshit and she aint lovely, you have more chance of the Queen giving you a lap dance than my wife buying a carpet with a credit card, ‘A’ she hasn’t got one and ‘B’ she aint having mine! Hot drinks arrived tasting like bush tea I swear there was a dash of weed added, great idea let’s get them stoned then they will buy? He tried all the smarmy sales patter and compliments galore, we admit some of the carpets were beautiful however the prices were outrageous as two men were ushered in to show us the rolled out carpets and piles of small mats and rugs that we could buy from our Car Boot Sales any day of the week for next to nowt. The two men built a pile about three feet high but I could see Mr Ican Tossoff getting well flustered as he realized my Lou was a NO SALE customer. To add insult to injury he started getting offensive about the UK mainly because he had lived in Birmingham and could not convince the ‘Brummies’ to buy his crappy and very expensive carpets. What really chuffed me was that Lou had read an article on the Internet about this carpet shop where it advised people ‘not to buy unless you are absolutely certain’ because once you have paid by credit card for the item to be delivered to your home back in the UK and you have actually seen the carpet wrapped and addressed for delivery (see carpet picture) the item is sometimes changed when your back is turned, that’s if they post it at all. So you buy it, you get home you open it up and say ‘that’s not the one we ordered’ Hah, tough you have been conned!! Suddenly we were dropped like a pair of whore’s drawers, Mr Ican Tossoff & the alleged chef got nowt, with clenched cheeks we got back into the taxi heading for the hotel and the Loo!
We checked with reception and ‘No’ they did not have anyone working in the hotel called Moonie. We asked almost whispering ‘could we have some more loo rolls please’ at various times over the next hour three different staff knocked on the door three different times to hand us more loo rolls “now the whole bleeding hotel knows we have got the squits, bloody marvellous” By the time we leave this hotel there will be teeth marks on the toilet seats! And God we could murder a pint! Apart from sore bums, no drink, no smoke but plenty of sex (daydreaming again) we are having a great time, I think?

We decide to try to find a chemist and get a good walk along the main promenade only to be touted time and again for us to take a horse & carriage ride comprising of 2 very scrawny ponies and the driver and his co-pilot and his heavy carriage! We see 2 men offering suckers to ‘have your pictures taken with 2 buzzards on your head’ These beautiful birds of prey had been incapacitated so they would never fly again, then a kid of 5 started begging me to buy ‘the lovely lady’ some flowers. Should have gone to Specsavers!
Oh, and just for good measure the trader with the skinny camel leaves it on the beach overnight with no food and its front legs tied up with rope so it is restricted in walking, now then well you might snigger because I did especially when some kid was annoying the camel like fuck by making it run faster than its legs could move (very very funny, I have got to admit I pissed myself laughing) however NO animal in the world deserves to be left on a beach where there is NO FOOD no Water all day and night times however we did notice that at one of the derelict buildings another two camels were in a grassed area which was balding they must be the reserves if the beach were to get busy. The trouble is with Camels they are so ugly and they munch all the time how do you know if they are eating or just breaking in false teeth for the local dentists?
FEED THEM you callous Muslim people the Brits don’t like to see animals starving! I did think about getting a pair of scissors and freeing the bloody camel but it would have probably kicked me smartly in the balls in total appreciation!
Its official Tunisia is cruel to animals-animal rights people please note! Now then, we did notice that the sheep farmers seem to personally farm their animals staying in the fields all day and night times with them, weird? Or is it that they are worried the sheep will be stolen or is it something even more sinister similar to the rumours we hear about the Welsh farmers and their sheep? What’s the equivalent to ‘Taffy the Tunisian’?

As we had rushed out the house a day earlier than expected (because Lou cocked up) I did not have enough pills on the card for the holiday period so we found a small chemist shop and was really surprised to be able to buy the pills without question or prescription. Before your minds go wandering off there is sod all wrong with me the pills were Viagra! That’s not true but it’s funny, if only my lovelies if only! However to ask about medicine for having ‘the runs’ was a complete farce they could not understand what the hell I was asking about so I had the opportunity to mime our problem by getting on the shop chair to demonstrate our which they though hilarious but still could not get the message till some bright clown (Lou) said the magic word LAXATIVE which we bought only to realize it would make our problem even worse! She is too clever for her own good sometimes I should have made her take the whole bleeding packet. We cross over the road to the main shops side and will count how many times we get touted and the first one to twenty pays for tonight’s drinks ‘orange juice on the rocks’ Within minutes Lou had reached her 20 but the men saw me as much more of a challenge and got rude about being British simply because I refused to look at the ‘toot and tatt’ offered on their stalls therefore spending no money! One man called me something similar to Meester Warren-Aerosol which I thought was funny and asked him the meaning which he didn’t understand, nutter. Nearly all of the traders that bothered Lou and me were men average age 35 years, collectively they could ruin any trade that Tunisia has from the tourist industry which the country needs to survive, their aggressive and offensive attitudes towards customers of all nationalities is totally unacceptable ‘some people are frightened by their intrusions at being followed to try to sell rubbish and they feel at risk by the touting tactics’.
It certainly worked on us we decided to stay in the hotel grounds which is one world away from the world outside. We had brought a pack of cards to relieve the boredom and took over the entire reception to play 9 car brag where both of us had to write a forfeit for the loser who has counted up to 100 by the end of the game. Of course Geoff lost as always (she cheats if I have forgotten my glasses) and I was gob-smacked at my forfeit as I opened her piece of paper to read ‘The loser must ride on the Camel’ which was identical to my forfeit for her! Has she cheated, did she see what I had wrote? We have a binding agreement and are always sworn to do the forfeit whatever however I begged her on this occasion to let me do ANYTHING but ride on a frigging Camel “No Lou, you can’t do this to me think of my bad back” had no effect ‘You are doing it Wiles you lost and that is final’ I could not believe it that after breakfast her says “We might as well get it over with I am so looking forward to this” ‘Well I am bloody not’ were wasted words as we trundled across broken glass and the filthy beach to the man and his sodding camel as they walked towards us. “Ok Wiles go for it” said Lou, I plucked up the courage to squirm and say ‘How much please for me for a ride on your poxy camel’ I look into the face of this ugly camel who returned the look that said ‘you aint getting on me you fat bastard’ the man agreed ‘you too heavy’ urging Lou “You fine lady you right size”
I gave the man a twenty dinar tip to persuade her further but it was a NO DEAL situation, Lou bitched and then demanded ‘when we get home I have another forfeit for you to do and I want a promise NOW that you will do it or else’ Great fun really when you consider we both had the hotel squits if either of us had got on the camel we could have redecorated the entire camel and its owner and the pigging beach. He was a nice bloke and had all colours of teeth in his smiling gob, one more colour and he would have a complete snooker set!

Let’s go to the bar for a nightcap was a farce, here we are just the two of us in this beautifully decorated and presented bar with magnificent furnishings and stunning lighting large enough for two hundred people and we, that’s Lou and me, are standing at the bar asking for “oranges & lemons drinks please”! (Reminds me of my gay days) With two barmen and sod all to do (I wonder why) and the world’s crappiest music creating the world’s worst atmosphere, it was decision time, let’s fuck off to bed! As we walked out of the bar ‘hat your service’ was still on duty I said “see you in the morning” and of course he replied “hat your service sir” That man is getting on my tits I thought whilst preparing for bed, had a wash cleaned my teeth a touch of aftershave, tidy up my hair, how can she resist me? I go into the bedroom and there she is the love of my life, I bounce into the bed she nearly bounces out “Hat your service” I said “And you can GFY” said her. Later I fell asleep pissed out of my mind on belching orange & lemon juices and I just wanna go home……..

More pictures will be added today before 6.00 pm

Part 3 FRIDAY at 12.00 ish!

Copyrights; Car Boots Cornwall-Geoff Says