Good Morning!

This has got nothing to do with Car Boots it’s just family talk and gossip, this blog is dedicated to a superb Cheshire family who welcomed and treated me and my lovely Lou with amazing kindness and friendship into their homes with some fantastic meals cooked by Auntie Ann, Auntie Kathleen and Cousin Emma! Scrumptiously delicious, can we come back please, we’ll pay?
We have just returned from Cheshire after packing up over two hundred banana boxes of very good very bad or indifferent huge mixture of Car Boot stuff and shipping it all in three journeys in our large catering van to our store in Penryn where eventually it will be sold at our Car Boot Sales.
The story so far, Lou’s dad died on the first December last year through seriously neglecting his health leaving his wife Julia to fend for herself ‘shit like that happens in the real world’ but to add to the charm of Julia she has Dementia FFS! I have been meeting Lou’s Cheshire family including several kids some good some bad and some are just indifferent distant cousins, then there’s the twins Henry and Francesca who likes to be called Frankie! They have a multi- millionaire business mummy and daddy cos he owns 32 various businesses including several quality garages selling brand new cars throughout the country! He is a great family man and obviously a hugely successful businessman! Talking about ‘hugely’ that is his only problem ‘the man he loves his food so much man that he is almost full up so to speak’ He has the most adorable missus and 3 kids and for them I say he must look after his own heart so here is the challenge to my new millionaire friend! We are coming back to Cheshire for a few days after from May 25th my lover which gives you over two months to lose ONE and a half stone in weight, child’s play? I will also do the same and strictly no cheating Dave so get butt-naked and get on to them there scales and get someone to read the weight for you cos you can’t see the scales from where you are standing let alone the actual weight you are my lover, bit like me really! I promise to get on the scales with only my Y fronts on. I would get Auntie Julia to tell me my weight, I would do but she just cannot keep her hands to herself lately, honestly if she can frisk me once or twice in a day she is happy, keep your hands to yourself woman I am a married man and besides that you are not my age group! Now then, back to the challenge Dave, if you achieve the loss of more than one stone when we next come to Cheshire you can take us out or the winner of the most weight loss pays for the meals and drinks, come on Frankie and Henry support Daddy Dave and make sure he don’t cheat!!
Now to mummy Rebecca, Lou’s favourite cousin I can totally understand why because she is an adorable dynamite whirlwind of a character and a great personality and great fun to be with. She is a brilliant mum of three children and they absolutely adore both mum and dad. They have model grandparents including Uncle Ian (good drinking partner) but the only one I’d run off with is his missus Rebecca’s mum grandma Auntie Ann she is adorable a brilliant cook and a gorgeous grandma. Husband Uncle Ian (good drinking partner) is a fantastic grandfather and a very nice and very lucky man cos he’s got Ann. You did very well for yourself there lad so you did. His grandkids absolutely adore him but they cannot understand why he doesn’t give them more pocket money? I wouldn’t say he was a tight fisted old sod but surely they are worth more than 2/6p (half a crown) per week my lover?
Rebecca is lively company setting up her own very successful beauty business from leaving school and getting all of her beautician qualifications including counselling some of her very rich dear lady customers of Crewe. Imagine that ladies you are getting the beauty treatment at the same time you can tell all your life’s problems to Rebecca and she can counsel you and you can tell her all of your worries about you and your life and her customers adore her and they listen to her sound advice, ker-ching and ker-ching! Imagine some of the horny old bits of gossip stories she could tell?
I think Rebecca and her family should most definitely qualify to be on Cheshire Housewives she has such a huge character (and a huge hubby) When she walks into a room everyone looks the other way FFS? That’s not true, but funny. She is totally her own person a very confident reliable up-front very straight to the point person who has a brilliant ‘don’t mess with me attitude’ and she is my type of woman (to avoid) bold as brass and strong in personality and if she wanted to be I reckon she would and could be a ‘right biatch’ in confrontations with some of those there posh type Cheshire Housewives, bring it on! She is rich and very outspoken and her old man is very-very well off so with them and their 3 brat kids including bro George (the perfect one) and the twins all 3 with brilliant sense of humours and great kids to love for a while and then, drop em!?
On our last day we went out for a meal together to a posh brand new restaurant which was great food great staff and a very pleasant visit. Auntie Julia my Dementia mother in law is filthy rich and a TFOB who will not pay her turn but on this occasion the bill was handed to me and I claimed “I have no money can you lend me £150.00” Reluctantly she opened her bag and gave me the dosh, at the end of the meal I thanked Auntie Julia for a lovely meal they all applauded her which she graciously accepted and I handed her the paid receipt and her were gobsmacked. At the other end of the table unknown to me brat Henry the infamous twin was mixing up a cocktail of all of the sauces from the tables with pepper jams spices lashings of salt sugar and cream making it look like a cocktail from hell and it smelt like the last thing that he must have added to the glass was a couple of silent but deadly farts FFS. He then challenges me to drink it. So as not to disappoint the lad of his little joke (ha-ha) bravely I took a swig which was like regurgitated puke and immediately I coughed so badly I had to be sick all over Auntie Julia’s handbag behind her back. Mine eyes had changed sides and all I could hear whilst I am gasping to save my life was bloody Henry screeching with laughter, the brat! The staff thought it was my bad reaction to their food cos I was barfing up a bit. And, did his mum Rebecca have any sympathy or chastise the child? That’ll be a nope!! Suddenly I am losing my voice! They are a super doper pooper scooper soon to get a dog fantastic family from Cheshire and Lou is so proud to be part of their family and they quite like me?
Dave’s dad built the family business of selling cars many years ago. The interesting gossip I have got is that Dave drives the very latest ‘top of the range’ vehicles on the road and he changes his car ‘every 3 months’ the reason being that his business sells thousands of cars each year and if he is selling such expensive cars he likes to road and family test them for his own peace of mind, the manufacturers get the feedback straight from Dave good bad or indifferent. Today’s car is the latest sumptuous no expense spared (with a mini-bar) Range Rover! He took me to see his newly built Jaguar Showroom in Cheshire at a cost of five million pounds FFS and on Sunday we went to see how their being built 3 storey new house is coming on!! And they are all down to earth nice people hard working clean living god fearing food guzzling (well Daddy is) happy crowd and do I envy them? Not at all, they have deserved their rich life and successes and I am proud to know them. All credit to Dave’s dear old dadio!!
On our last night in Cheshire we went with Uncle Ian and Auntie Ann to a real God’s Waiting Room at Warner Alvaston Hall Leisure Hotel. Apparently we were not supposed to be in there as it is a ‘residents only hotel’ (stupid policy at least we will spend money unlike their rich TFF OAPs) but it was feeding time for the masses of old gits and old fartesses (no kids allowed) (quite right-especially twins) so nobody took any notice of we! We sat in the bar area but I got up to buy a round of drinks with a twenty pound note and the staff all came to look to remind themselves of what a twenty quid note looks like FFS! I sat down but I kept moving around in my seat so that nobody got the impression that ‘I had passed on FFS! We watched in awe at the reality of Gods Grey waiting room in full operation tinged with oceans of Tory blue rinse and grandpa’s and grannies fart dust FFS! At the end of the meal many of them ease themselves out of their seats (fart) leaving the restaurant fully bloated (fart-fart) either to go back to their rooms for a fart or a fart nap or a crap or a fart slap on the fart arse then maybe then some exercise cos they are eating much more here than they do at home because they have paid for it FFS so there! I think they ‘feed up’ at Warner’s to save money for the first week when they get back home dear of em. The 300/400 customers were medium to rich old folkies and fogies treating themselves from there hard earned and worked for pensions, they arrive by coach or drive their own cars for a long ‘dirty weekend’ and spend for 4 nights full board for around £750.00 that means all meals are provided but you have to buy your own drinks. What a good deal and a wonderful treat for them all. But from there the spending ends cos from what I observed couples were not buying at the bar so I imagine some of they had broken hotels rules and brought all their own drinks for a bit of a slurp ‘up in their rooms’ to drown the Viagra then ‘hey presto’ SFA happens FFS?
I admired and loved them all but it was all too much for Lou the youngest person by at least 20 years “Let’s go home” We had got Julia with us we tried to find her (well I did) a rich dirty old man to run off with her (no luck) (take her away FFS, they would soon bring her back) Lou had heard enough of the lady cabaret alleged singer who to be fair was ‘not good’ dear of her. I think that putting a ‘not good’ singer on in the Cabaret was a ploy just to get the old farts off to bed early so all the outside staff can go home to their own reality. But, if you want to go for a special tribute to Tom Jones & Live band Jump from the 30th December for three nights Full Board Break it will cost you £614 pp! How you get there is your problem. The hotel is called Alvaston Hall and the management are so half asleep they did not put details of their email nor phone numbers on their publicity. Nor would I if I was featuring a Tom Jones Tribute Jump to a crowd of jumped up 74 year olds FFS! I had to sober myself up after tonight’s experience so it’s off with Ian to his club for the real world with a couple of pints of ice cold Guinness, there’s a darts match and footy on the telly and both the wives are looking after Julia so let’s have a couple more pints cos my lovely Lou is coming to pick us up, trained to perfection, Oh Yes!
I have great memories of my Pontins days at Brean Sands in the 80s and at Sand Bay Somerset which was most definitely ‘Gods Waiting Room’ There would be several hundred elderly couples and lots of single old farts and fartesses who have been around the block a few times (and then a few more) but some of they were also trying to score or find friendship or even find a new lover or a partner then who knows ‘maybe a quick shag’ more like a slow one or at least a bit of a grope? They were good happy days and I remember one man who had eaten up all of his food and someone else’s and he dropped down dead died dead in the middle of the ballroom dance floor. Dead kaput finito gone just like that the poor old bugger. The assistant manager not knowing what to do stopped the band playing cleared the dance floor then he got the Blue-coats to put a row of chairs all around the dead died body then asking all of the customers to ‘come on to the dance floor’ he asked the band to play March of the Mods followed by the Conga as a tribute to the poor old bugger who had just popped his clogs as they all trooped and shuffled around the chairs ‘the blind leading the blind’ doing the Conga and the ‘hokie-cokie whilst viewing the dead body. They all looked down at the poor died dead man whose bladder was now emptying aimlessly for all to see and avoid skidding over and they were all silently looked at him saying to themselves “Christ, I could be next FFS”! Back to the family, the other side of the family is Uncle Keith who is Julia’s brother then there is Auntie Kathleen (stunning cook) and Lou’s cousin (my favourite) Emma who is married to Phil the farmer. They are all in farming. Phil has challenged me to run Car Boot Sales on his 5000 acre farm and I am sorely tempted to accept……… more to follow?
A family political comment;
What a shame that the Flanagan side of the family are not as amiable nor as friendly nor as happy family orientated nor as easy to get along with like Lou’s wonderful and both well respected Uncle’s Ian and Keith and Lou’s cousins Rebecca and Emma and their delightfully happy-happy and lovely families! Thank you all.
Geoff
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Should the real story be told?