Mauritius Mahebourg January 2016
From Cornwall it takes more than a whole day and a half to get to Mauritius in the Indian Ocean so taking into consideration that we lose 4 hours because of the time differences it is fair to assume that on days two and three of your holiday you may well be suffering jet-lag you will feel a bit knackered and will not want to rush about but to just sit in the sun get the heat of the weather into your system and relax and get some me, me, me time FFS! We have arrived at the three apartments Villa where we stayed previously we have the entire place to ourselves for the amazing price of £20.00 per night including a swimming pool and no other guests. We feel at home, the neighbours all remember us from previous years they are down to earth ‘our kind of people’ we are right in the middle of the local population in the poorer part of Mauritius but they are all very happy with their lives, they have a very ‘laid back’ approach towards life which has got a lot to do with the very hot climate and believe me it ‘gets some hot’ at times. They have all got dogs who live outside their owner’s houses because of the very hot weathers hence the reason for so many strays.

Wherever we go on holiday there is always some incident or other that involves animals and this time was no exception. The Landlord had shown Lou a shed in the garden with 8 chickens asking us to feed them any scraps which was fine with us as we have chickens ourselves. Lou was taking pictures in the garden and took a picture of a birds nest with two beautifully fat little bastard Seychelles fluffy pigeons probably 2/3 weeks old. And on the third day her went into the chicken shed with tit-bits for the chickens when lo and behold her noticed that there were 4 kittens living under a box hidden away in a manger but there was no mother to be seen FFS. During the night I was out on the balcony and I could hear this cat meowing so as I like cats and of course I am a devoted ‘pussy man’ I went in search cos I thought it may well be trapped, anyways I found it but it was so scared of me going near so I put a plate of food by the swimming pool then I could watch it feed and find out if it was the mother of the kittens and lo and behold again it was! Alleluia!! We felt responsible for the kittens to feed them but Lou lost complete interest when on the 7th day “that effing mother cat did climb up that effing tree and scoff up those two poor ickle effing fluffy fat little bastard pigeons” which to my warped sense of humour was effing hilarious but not for the poor effing little fluffy pigeons who were now effing history nor their stupid effing mother who should have nested higher up the effing tree FFS but I didn’t have the nerve to laugh too much at the situation cos her were like effing near crying and I were effing crying with laughter FFS. Anyways, I made sure the mother was well fed the scrawny little bitch that she was so she was FFS. The Landlord might deny it but we think he came up one night and “grabbed up they there mother cat and they there them 4 ickle kittens away during the night and chopped their ickle (now bleeding) frigging heads off as well as 4 of the chickens who also suddenly disappeared overnight FFS” Mauritian family kitten and chicken curry pie, why ever not? How ‘cat’astrophic FFS Amen!

I have just got to gloat on about my love for Mauritius because it is such a lovely country we have had heavy warm showers which dry up completely within the hour followed by blue skies followed by brilliant sunshine and heat, the people are happy and lovely, we saw no signs of aggravation with all the various communities including thousands of Muslims all getting along just fine with each other. The people love their lives they love their country and they love their President and so they should. There are some breath-taking views particularly the mountains which are great to visit to overlook the wonderful Mauritius world from up high. The wonderful atmospheres on the beaches are electric with an amazing togetherness community spirit of happiness ‘it’s a treat to be alive’ atmosphere as everyone comes out to pitch their open tents and colourful wind-breaks on the beaches mostly at weekends with entire families cooking up splendid traditional foods with smells and aromas to die for that drift across the wonderful well policed beaches and to be amongst it is stunning with such an infectious happiness is unforgettable. Like in the Seychelles the Police do not allow sellers of local and ‘pretty awful crafts’ sellers to bother the public with their wares.

The under-cover ‘indoor’ open air food markets are ‘steaming’ hot and an amazing sight with up to 500 stalls all selling fruit and vegetables and fish from worldwide locations, the majority of the produce is locally grown and the vibrant noise and high humidity in these markets is not something I would like to get used to but the locals they all love it and they support their markets even though most of them sweat buckets just like us westerners. The screaming and the shouting about the various offers and the colourful garb and clothing of the hundreds of people is memorable providing lovely flashbacks. I would not have missed the atmosphere for anything but for me, never again! They love it and they support it and that’s the Mauritius way of life with people at peace within themselves, what an atmosphere, what a wonderful country and what nice people!!

If you want shops and stores they have got them all but beware as some of the popular brands of gents and ladies clothes are fake. Big impressive shops with huge frontages openly sell fakes. They deny they are fakes but from our experiences with our Car Boots and Markets and learning from our own Trading Standards all about fakes so we were sure there were fakes. The huge Superstores have shops inside their complex selling popular brand names, we did not see any fakes inside the stores so a safe place to buy genuine clothing. The immense Superstores are highly creditable and presented to the public in a most professional way, the foods look wonderful and Health & Hygiene is very much in evidence throughout the vastness of the stores that we visited. We like self-catering and the foods on offer here are from all over India and the rest of the world. The vast choices of food glorious foods are just to die for they are way ahead of our British Superstores by miles. The staff are most polite and happy they even smile at the customers and seem trained to be pleased to see you!
Mauritius is a happy country but if you are the sort of person who gets agitated by over-heating and sometimes very high humidity (and taking into consideration yer hot flushes) then this is most definitely not the country for you, but if you can cope with all the weathers that Mauritius can throw at you-you will come out of it all at the end of your holiday’s a better and a fitter and a happier and hopefully more relaxed person. Well that is at least until you get to Gatwick or Heathrow which is where your holiday ends then it’s the long journey home and back to reality And the green-green grass of home and back to your own beds!! (Don’t be late for work on Monday morning FFS)

One fiddle which I believe happens in many parts of the world to be aware of because of the serious money that is being filched from Joe Public and also the management of Shell and other garages. When you hire a car you are advised to ask for 1000 Rupees when filling up fuel for the vehicle. In both Mauritius and the Seychelles also in St Kitts in the Caribbean pumps are manned by two members of staff, the first one serves your fuel whilst the other one stands by to collect your payment. You are directed into your exact parking spot so you are unable to see the fuel gauges for the fuel delivered and there is little space to get out of the car, you ask for 1000 Rupees and you wait in your car whilst they are delivering your fuel. They come up to collect the 1000 Rupees cash for the fuel. Having trusted that you have got the correct amount of fuel you drive off and they have just ripped you off of 100 Rupees by delivering only 900 Rupees of fuel to your car. The 100 Rupees are then split between the two staff and you know nothing about it! Not so in Louise’s case, she caught them there fiddlers red-handed twice at two different petrol stations demanding the correct fuel paid for. This is a pretty disgusting way to rip off the tourists (and the owners of the petrol stations) but it also happens in St Kitts. The staff there they have it down to a ‘fine art’ there because at most petrol stations the women petrol pump pullers are frighteningly arrogant and rude and indifferent and ignorant to all people including themselves generally as a ruse to avoid people getting out of their cars so the staff can get the fiddle. The reason garages employ staff to serve your fuel is simply to create jobs for the many unemployed people but it is totally unfair to target the tourist industry where we put our trust into people that they will give us all a fair deal with honesty and integrity.

Driving in Mauritius is something else especially when you get loads of cyclists who appear from nowhere in town centres and they suddenly dive in front of your car from all directions, Lou was in charge of driving (never again) and was going berserk about them complaining that they ‘ride like idiots’ with some of them texting or talking on their frigging mobiles whilst cycling, she points out to me “I mean look at the way that stupid bugger there is riding his bike FFS” I had a proper look at him as we drove past him and I really admired his efforts and told her ‘Don’t be so unreasonable woman the poor bugger has only got one leg FFS woman’ She is a love especially when her gets overheated by her hot flushes and the heat of the day dear of her.
Another fine mess my Lou?
The Mauritian people have amazing religious festivals which parade through the main streets that we wanted to see. We were directed by a copper “turn right then left then right to avoid the Religious Festival please” I didn’t listen to the instructions but in the moment of stress my darling wife forgets her right from her left and sure enough we are now heading towards the parade and the parade is now heading towards us and there is no way out FFS!! We park up as the policeman leading the festival comes up to say “biddy-biddy-but-but” or “Don’t move FFS” I am mortified, we are not only going to see this entire parade but it looks just like we are taking part in it FFS and all the people my side are the car are giving it some more Mauritian “biddy-biddy-but-but baldy twat chat” I couldn’t understand WTF them were saying but I got the impression they wanted me to FRO-FFS now or words to that effect! The parade is now on top of us men with spikes through their faces and their bodies are also carrying heavy religious carvings over their shoulders and I am getting some pretty glum looks from some of them FFS! I look at my dear wife who is taking pictures of the ‘very nice policeman’ and sweating near naked religious festival parades’ as they squeeze to get past our car FFS and it is steaming hot in the car and all I desperately want to do is to have a pee and go home to England today FFS! And, she didn’t even say sorry blaming me for not listening to what the copper had said, what a bloody nerve he were talking to her at the time not me FFS! Flash backs of the entertainment my darling Lou arranged for that day will haunt me forever and ever and a day, dear of her.
(See pictures)

If you are a dog lover (I am not) (unless it’s a Chi ‘Wawa) Mauritius is probably not for you as there are so many disowned dogs who stand or lay around in the baking sun creating near death body odours in groups with more than the occasional scraps between them. There is not a pedigree amongst em, all street accidents FFS but starving and waiting for some daft English tourists to adopt them for a week or more. When they are not sleeping they spend the rest of their lives constantly on the prowl looking for food. I take pity on some of them leaving food out then watching from a distance the starving animal’s reaction in finding more or less a bowl full of food which is scoffed in seconds. If animals have the right to live they should also have the rights to eating at least once a day FFS! But then think about the starving people in this world, my answer to the problem is that we and the animals are all seriously over breeding therefore we the people must curtail our shagging activities or use a bloody condom and that every 4th boy animal should have his nuts removed with two furking great bricks, mind yer fingers FFS!
Beside and behind the Villa there is large open 40 acre piece of land that has been prepared for a future development and is also where a pack of 8-10 dogs barked and scrapped at each for several hours during the nights. Their reason, one dog a bitch was on heat the one dog who thought he owned the bitch snarled and growled and barked at all the other dogs telling them to just ‘sod right off this is my bitch’ but all they want to do is to just play and lay the bitch FFS!!
Now then picture this; it is about 2 in the morning. I have been awake for ages with severe cramps so I get up. I sit content in total peace on the balcony, the heat of the day lingers in the air, I have got myself an iced rum and coke a couple or three smokes my PC is by my side I have Enigma music quietly playing and my cramps and pains are now relaxing (the bastards that they are) It was raining about an hour ago but now only the leaves from the trees drip rain water onto the grasses which excites the nuts off the randy grass froggies. Behind the Villa there are high trees where thousands upon thousands of Indian Hill Mynah birds have arrived from all parts of the island to have come home to settle down in the vast trees branches and sleep, but first a quick touch up of the feathers a natter about the day so far then a noise free sleep for the rest of night.
It is almost black in the skies apart from the distant stars and the fox fruit bats who hover high above the trees, there is the sound of the frogs and the fecking dogs who are still unable to sort out their differences. They all start howling which starts off all the other dogs who all live outdoors in the housing estate howling which starts all the Indian Hill Mynah birds waking up chirping furiously ‘WTF is going on we are just trying to get some sleep FFS’ then they bitch and chirp madly for 20 minutes and there is such a brilliance of total bedlam and I am so out of it I couldn’t GAF so I start howling with them “Howwwwl” FFS! Then suddenly, peace perfect peace which is soon interrupted by hundreds of frogs in the grasslands delighted and excited with the overnight rain that they all contribute an amazing grasslands froggie frog croak-croaking chorus whilst piggy-backing each other with grinny grin grins on their faces as they thoroughly enjoying their slimy sexually sexual joined up at the organs ride amongst the tall grasses. No wonder they have always got a ‘grinny grin-grins’ on their furking slimy chops joined up sexually all the time FFS) (wouldn’t you) Suddenly the croaking of them frogs reaches a crescendo as the noise rebounds from the nearby mountains and the bounce back sound is incredible! I want to be a frog cos all they seem to do is shag all day FFS. But not a French Frog you understand?

Then peace, perfect peace again. But, then, just above my head on the ceiling of the balcony there is a war going on with 3 or 4 lizards who have spent their entire night catching gullible fat-n-juicy night flies attracted by the balcony lighting. These lizards they are such great company so you should make sure you treat them as friends especially if you have one or two in your bedroom as they stalk meaty tasting fat flies and the occasional mosquito whose only reason to be there is to bite yer body or yer bum FFS the little bastards that they are so they are FFS! The best lizards are the ones who have the balls to walk onto your shoes and stand statue like and catch the flies attracted by your smelly feet FFS which Lou won hands down (sorry, smelly feet down) tis true!!
If you are going abroad I seriously recommend that you take an Anti-histamine course, you may still get the odd mosquito bites but they won’t hurt and scratch and itch like frigging mad but once you have taken the tablets your blood will taste so dreadful to the little bastard mosquito’s that the word will soon go around to all the other mossies’ with the warning ‘Don’t bite them cos their blood tastes like shite man FFS!

The dog fighting was getting so very tedious after 3 days and nights but the locals did nothing about it. I did, I mentioned to the Landlord that it was unfair to his customers and also the lovely locals that this constant growling snarling farting belching and barking racket should go on during the night which must be very disturbing for the sleep of the mums and dads and their young kids living locally especially for the kids who have to be up for school early the following day. He spoke to the Environmental Health people and the same day the dogs were rounded up and either delivered to their owners or more than likely sent to ‘the compound’ for 21 days to find an owner. I believe the bitch dog they all were scrapping and effing and blinding about that all they wanted was ‘just a quick shag’ with her was she is frustrated to hell having still maintained her virginity FFS. Anyway the neighbourhood quite liked me for the renewed ‘peace and quiet’ but the question is was it the Environment Health people who got rid of they there dogs or was it the Landlord who rounded up they there doggy-dog-dogs for putting into a delicious Mauritian family Doggy-Dog stew FFS!!