Week Two;
Ok, so we go to view the apartment it turned out to be ideal and afforded us the privacy we needed to recharge our batteries. If you are planning on going to Mauritius at any time and want an absolute BARGAIN in accommodation self catering I can give the address and by the way Air Mauritius is cheaper than British Airways and student accommodation for you back packers is as low as five quid a night, god knows what that accommodation is like? The private swimming pool has a self cleaning motor which drives around the pool vacuuming the floor, it has a long wide hose which vibrates and agitates the surface and it was apparently quite nice to hold on to according to Lou of course. Get off it woman it’s not meant for that! Gotcha!! Revenge time is nigh!

On the second morning Lou noticed like a field mouse had fallen into the pool and kept falling off this vibrating hose so I was ordered to go rescue the rat which turned out to be a rare Mauritian long nosed shrew, next day a frog and the third day a road street accident puppy of about three months came wandering into the garden trying to lap up the swimming pool water. We adopted him for the few day remaining fed him up and the rest of his life’s struggle was ‘down to him and his luck entirely’.
We decide to go early to the beach, she looks great in one of her car boot bought bikini’s as we sit at one of the four seater stone tables and benches provided free on most beaches for you to just sit to relax happily and watch the scenery and to pass the time away shaded from the heat of the sun by trees and to be so in love (Walobs) (wot a load of…..) she is sitting directly opposite me and I have a full 2 litre bottle of iced cold water (essential in the incredible heat) which I place in the middle of the table between the two of us with the top unscrewed, I drew Lou’s attention to something out at sea and accidentally pushed the plastic bottle over as it crashed down onto the stone table emptying on her bikini ‘special place’ area and her belly and legs and boobs and she got sodding soaked as she stood up in shock and horror (shock & nerves Harry) with the water peeing out of her bikini knickers observed by about thirty interested Indians and passing Japanese tourists, (0ne applauded-they all applauded)! She went ballistic calling me a real R sole? “Yes oh yes” I shouted reminding her of my customs experience, silly moo, absolutely no sense of humour at all! To add insult to injury I asked her if she would ‘go fetch some more water’ to which she replied “Go fetch it YFS” No breeding whatsoever that woman!!

Leaving Mauritius was difficult we had had a fantastic time, we had also bonded happily, her cooking was indifferent but edible (she ate the most) but I wouldn’t and couldn’t have spent a happier time with anyone else in the whole world, well, I mean perhaps that is probably a little bit over the top and not entirely true, but I do like her quite a lot ish. XX
Our final impressions of Mauritius was the absolute professional way in which this 21st Century Airport puts the UK to shame. A fantastic experience with the flight leaving on time and a genuine appeal from the Mauritians for us to consider ‘coming back again’ we certainly will. By the way, when we got back to Gatwick there were absolutely no customs staffs checking on the duty free GREEN exits for our flight. Do away with them all together I say, that would reduce the cost of flying and let’s legalise Cannabis at the same time. Now then Geoffrey………….steady on lad…..
The downside!
No sooner had we got onto the plane for the long haul flight than you meet reality, the real world!

Bang!! it’s the moaning whingeing ‘Brits are here time’. We did not meet or speak to (result) any Brits on holiday but we certainly saw plenty, you can tell they are British because he is always wearing socks and sandals recognised as the Brits brigade of nutters. And don’t the foreigners take the piss out of socks & sandals especially if his socks are white the SMFs Typical middle classes! We had nothing but compliments about the Air Steward’s team who were fantastic, the food was good but I heard several complaints about the food and the service. “That’s why you go on holiday for to unwind and rest up and shut up and be a better person and not be some boring moaning old whinge bag complaining about sod all”

Worse than that, there were the two screaming little 2 year old brats? I mean fancy taking kids of that age on a thirteen and a half hours pigging flight and over 6000 miles and expect them to shut their gobs for the entire trip cos they bloody well won’t, the little buggers will let you know they are on the flight from the minute we take off believe me! And, and, and one of them is sitting just two rows in front of me and he is standing up and jumping about on his seat shouting “Uh Uh Ooh” and looking at all the other unsuspecting fellow passengers who are gonna some hate this effing out of parental control little MONSTER before too long because you aint gonna get NO pigging sleep for at least 13 hours!! OMG FFS? I just wanna go home!
I mean, I seriously like kids but I did ask the stewardess if there were any ejector seats available. (For me)
Then this little snotty nosed brat threw his bottle of water at me so I drank the water and poured a large gin and tonic into the bottle and threw it back at the brat with a direct hit “Uh Uh Ooh”! He drank the lot and fell asleep in no time at all and I am just daydreaming, and full of bullshit, cos the little shite kept me awake the whole of the sodding flight and, and he could not speak any other word of pigging English apart from shouting “Uh Uh Ooh” “Uh Uh Ooh” a million effing times and my fellow passengers are saying under their breaths with him “Uh Uh Ooh” because by now we are all brainwashed by the little brat and Lou is saying to me ‘calm down dear, calm down dear’ which certainly doesn’t help matters at all. I did have the last laugh just as the plane landed the little brat had gone very quiet and had fallen asleep knackered out I presumed, as I got my luggage duty free bottles from the hold directly above his body I dropped them onto him and shouted “Uh Uh Ooh, I’m sorry” and it woke him up screaming which seemed to be approved by contented fellow travellers who had been on this journey of HELL!! The brat! Result! (Also slightly exaggerated it is fair to admit = more daydreaming)

Getting home;
My, Mother and father in law took over the responsibility of looking after our house with Nana Moon whilst we were away. They love Cornwall which is a shame, if I get my way they won’t be seeing much more of it. Now then, I have told you before that as soon as my mother in law arrives in Cornwall the mice and rats throw themselves into the traps.

One day a mouse had got through the cat/dog flap when they got back from a walk, the mouse was seen to run and hide under Nana Moon’s bed and she went berserk. Father in law quickly left it all to Moon going inside the house to stand on a chair until the dog had caught the mouse but he had let the bloody thing into the kitchen. A trip to Trago’s where he bought three mice traps. Overnight he caught the one in the kitchen but two of its mates knowing my mother in law was staying gave up the will to live and waited for father in law to set the traps when they jumped into them committing hari-kari in an instance. Such is the power of the woman such is the power of my mother in law who has given me total permission to be as ‘rude as you like about me’ but I wouldn’t want to do that as it would ‘spoil a beautiful friendship’ which is the biggest loads of crap I have ever written cos she knows ‘I have a very soft spot for her’ right at the bottom of my garden!!
Gordon the gofer, Lou’s dad is well under the thumb probably even worse than that really, but it really pisses Lou off that she can’t control me the same way as he is orbited during his daily life by my mother in law. For an easy life he just listens to what he has been told to do each day and he does it without question, just like all of the Cornish husbands, Yes dear! That’s what we men are for, to pay for and carry the shopping and to do as we are bloody well told and certainly not to have an opinion of your own that is different from ‘she’ who must be obeyed! Her indoors, the wife, your lover! The better half, all the men want now is EQUALITY!

On the morning they were leaving I did breakfast at 6 in the hope of an early departure but mother in law doesn’t normally sober up till about midday so I decided to opt out of the tearful farewell and go back to bed. Lou woke me up calling “they are about to go now Geoff” “Bye” I shouted. “Don’t you be so rude to my parents” said Lou and made me get up to say good-bye properly young man! I said to my mother in law “I absolutely know it has been a great pleasure for you both to be in my company and she burst out crying as she kissed me goodbye (Gillette razor for her next Christmas) “I don’t want to go Geoff” “Get in that bleeding car woman or I will make you take Louise with you” that did it, no sweat, no fear, they were off like a shot!

We all know what it’s like when people have come to stay and it is lovely (ish) to see them all but it’s even lovelier when they just ‘sod off back home’ the second they go the furniture relaxes, the birds start singing in the trees, Nana Moon stops howling all night, and you can fart and eff and blind at each other and no-one GAF. You can watch what YOU want to watch on TV and get the decent bread out of the freezer and you check that the hidden chocolates have not been found by the intruders, once they have gone you can get your house back to in order, back to normal, or can you?

As I told you Lou did that house clearance for the 88 year old and she had opened a freezer door which was frozen absolutely solid huge lump of ice from top to bottom, the door would not close so Lou brought it home to defrost (in the garden) (that’s probably where the bleeding mice came from) before deciding if it would sell or scrap it. Whilst we were away the freezer defrosted and Lou’s Daddy saw all of the defrosted food that was in the freezer and thought “I will put this lot in black bags and shove them into Lou’s freezer”?

After they had gone we came to get out ‘the decent bread’ from the freezer and Lou is going on a bit “What’s that smell” With pegs on our noses we took out the black bags from the freezer, they stank to high heaven and some of the food in the bags was dated two thousand a pigging nine for god’s sake to say nothing of the smell of the fish fingers, horrific! What was going on in Daddies mind I do not know but to put all the stinking food into black bags was a clue in itself, black bags means the FOOD is effing dead! Even the bins rejected the bags. And if it stink’s that bad then it’s more than bleeding dead. Yuk, figging Yuk and figging Yuk again! Next year Nana Moon can look after her bloody self when we go on holiday. Sod it!

Ps; Hope you enjoyed your stay mother and father in law. Am I two faced or WHAT?
Pps; I had a lovely holiday but I had to bring her back. XX