When we lived on Killiow Golf course Lou and I bought 30 chicken for a quid each from a chicken farm we took them home and their condition was pretty scary mostly without feathers probably lost in battles with the other 1000 odd fellow allegedly ‘free range’ birds. Anyway they settled in and to our surprise from day one we had eggs from all of the birds, with so many eggs we sold some at the car boots gaining quite a reputation for their taste so much that people started coming to Gardeners Cottage to buy them!
That stopped immediately selling half a dozen eggs on your own back gate and have to listen to some old fart blagging on about his life story was NOT for me!

A few months ago we bought 4 Black Maren’s and they have settled in really well. Lou actually believes she has taught them to swear “wotthefook-wotthefook” Now then, try saying it a few times to yourself several time over “wotthefook-wotthefook” and you must agree that it sounds like a fricking chicken and you will need seeing to if you carry on “wotthefook-wotthefook!
They have a healthy respect for Nana Moon she also has a healthy respect for them as she likes her ‘one a day’ egg. Last week I cut my leg on some brambles and after a shower my leg started bleeding, as a wind up Lou rolled a tiny piece of tissue and got one of her white nose plasters (which she wears in bed all night, most attractive) she then stuck the tissue and plaster on my bleeding leg.

When I went to close the chickens down for the night the bossy one we call Marge (of course) took one look at the plaster and said to herself “I am having that” and the bloody bird pecked and ripped the plaster off my leg in one go and swallowed it blood plaster hairs and tissue the lot! Down in one! Flicking chickens! I must feed them more often.

I know I go on about old farts and fartesses but out Community Car Boot Sales are sometimes the only place for them all to mix and talk and socialize in a safe friendly and happy environment where they can chat along to their hearts content boring the pants off some other old farts, but it is good for them and they love their car boots because it is quite often the highlight of the week for them. Loneliness is miles away at our Car Boots because you are never far from someone to talk to but you do get the absolute pain in the arse on the odd occasion!

There is a man of whom I believe was vaccinated with a gramophone needle and he talks and talks the most boring clap trap imaginable and he comes up to you treating you like a long lost friend (I wish!) I noticed he had forced his verbal diarrhoea conversation on the couple who run the Java Palava superb Coffee stall which incidentally has no more floor space (for TWO people) than on one of your car boot tables and, AND there is nowhere to sit.

Just imagine working with the wife in such a confined space, she is on her monthlies and has a splitting headache and the smell of coffee makes her want to vomit and its your fricking fault and every few seconds she is bumping into you. And what if her gets really teasy with him and she just wants ‘some space of my own FFS’ and at the end of day of being crammed together like coffered sardines when you get home there is NO CHANCE of any romance and a quick shag in the bath. NO! and that’s final, NO! “I have seen enough of you all fecking day” In a million years I could NOT see my Lou and me lasting an hour serving customers, my god the air would be so blue and I would not be able to calm her down, she would threaten to ‘go back to Mother’ what a good idea at last a refund on her expensive dowry?

Next week Lou and I are going to ask them if ‘we can come into your cabin’ (not sexually of course) but she is already saying ‘you’re too large’ to herself as she looks at her reflection in the mirror!
They are a lovely couple go and see them (I call them him and her) Her has a very strong personality and is a fiery young madam (just like my Lou only Lou is the older version) I love fiery woman!
Him, he is a very nice quiet gentleman and is probably a long suffering member of “I do what I am told to do if only for an easy life it is Cornwall FFS” but together like Siamese coffee makers and such the ideal couple for their visits to our sales and they are so polite to our customers. I love them both, try winding them up, it’s worth seeing plus they make the most fantastic coffee, well he does? That should start them off again! And her is drop dead lovely (from a distance dears) XX Ps; They have both been around the world as cruise entertainers and he has a wonderful voice and may even serenade you as he makes your coffee, one word of warning; don’t (repeat don’t) ask her to sing FFS!!

Anyway back to Mr Gobshite, his latest tirade is that he has only weeks to go before he leaves Cornwall and he doesn’t like Cornwall nor the people, what a loud mouth jerk-off this man is and may I say on behalf of all the decent people of Cornwall GFY and the sooner you go the better! I must get a picture of him before he fucks off (sorry Marge) perhaps you know him? Shall we arrange a farewell party?

Every time he corners me I look to see if there are any Candid Cameras around as I suffer this prick of a man and I am getting very close to kicking him in the nuts! Marge, what should I do, I believe he may be related to you darling. XX