We all know the reputation of Nigella Lawson with her cooking and brilliant successful TV career also record sales of her cook-books and now a brand new TV series. Nigella is a self made woman but I have never been entirely happy with her the way she sexily sidles up to the camera boobs all a plenty and almost making out with you as well as describing how to put on weight with her cooking. She has such a TV personality that long ago I came to the conclusion “that woman is such a show-woman that she has got to be on something and it’s a bit more than the dreaded weed” I also reckon she so loves having her face in the public eye all the time that she was caught ‘well off guard’ and came seriously unstuck with telling white lies in court about her white stuff habit. After all it wasn’t her who was on trial, or was it?
I can imagine the local dealers of the ’white stuff’ delivering quantities of Cocaine equal to bags of flour so no-one would be suspicious plus cannabis by the bucket loads! When you have got the sort of money our Nigella has then sod-it-spend-it and whose business is it anyway WTF she does with her own money in the privacy of her own home and with her cannabis smoking offspring!

By the way, I am not condoning cocaine of which I know nowt, never been there, never wanted to, couldn’t afford to anyway, but if we are talking about Cannabis then I have been to the promised lands and plantations in the Cannabis world of the spliff in the heart of the Caribbean my lovers but that’s another story. Get this my lovers, you stand in the middle of hundreds of the cannabis plants, you breathe in wonderful mountain bush air and the growing weed, you take a few breaths, you take a few more and then the world becomes a better place, you are totally relaxed the air smells wonderful, your pains disappear and in no time you are sitting up in the clouds!! And then you wake up and it’s all been a dream! My darling wife was offered a ‘spliff’ years ago her only one, she lit up as a complete novice and in a matter of a few puffs she collapsed into the sand in a heap and didn’t feel a bloody thing, she even told me I was adorable, well I think she meant me her eyes were both looking in two different directions? I believe they call it being stoned! Never again has she either smoked nor called me adorable, I don’t have to be told, I know it anyway, you ask Marge?

Any way back to Nigella; in 2001 her loving husband John Diamond died a much publicised death of cancer which was widely reported throughout the media. She was allegedly heartbroken but get this; the day after her husband’s funeral she introduced SAATCHI as the new man in her life! That takes balls. !! Those Grillo sisters were GOB-SMACKED!
Now then, that sort of action from Nigella shows an indecent haste and a complete disregard disrespect and callousness to her ex-husband, their children and to all who had comforted him in his dying days.
So without hearing a word of evidence in the trial of the Grillo girls I personally pronounced and even had a £5.00 bet with my Lou that the Grillo sisters would win their case against Nigella and Saatchi. My reasoning was that the perhaps scheming Grillo sisters absolutely had hold of our Nigella by her ‘short and curlies’ by knowing all about her ‘little druggy problems’ get out of that darling!! You are going to lose you case and you are going to be humiliated by telling little ‘white lies’ (white lines more like) you will blame the British press for their biased coverage of the salient facts about you and Saatchi doing your dirty washing in public but you will come out of it smelling like a bucket of Roses cos you are a middle class female and very rich and very famous and probably a size 16/18 (even larger in your Tory blue frock) that’s because your cookbook recipes they piles on the weight my bird!

Now then, I also believe Saatchi did know about our Nigella’s drug habit but he did not realize just how much of the ‘white stuff’ she snorted, that’s why he was looking up her nose. I mean it’s not the norm to be out with your missus sitting outside of some posh restaurant then suddenly grabbing her nose and upturn it for no reason other than to clear and howk the dry powder away and then in the next move you try to strangle her for Christ’s sake! You just can’t do that at restaurants; get it done before you leave home. I reckon if I tried to upturn my Lou’s nose she would have well kicked me straight in the nuts! Ouch!!
Was that the moment when dear old Mr Saatchi decided “That’s it, I want out”

The lesson to be learned here is this; Nigella is middle to upper class and she will have gotten away without any Police action especially when our knob-head Prime Minister, a wonderful judge of characters, declared “I’m on team Nigella” So why didn’t the Police ’speed’ to Downing Street and raid numbers ten and eleven? I bet you a pound to a pinch of snuff they would have found something there!! I mean he talks that much crap telling lies all the time and he loves to hear his own voice so much so that he has also got to be on something!?? Imagine the headlines; “PM on SPLIFFS” Send the bugger down for being the complete pain in the arse and give him solitary! And that bleeding Chancellor of number 11 telling the whole of the Country we need another 25 Billion more cuts which is obviously going to hit the younger generations, so why the hell should they pay for mistakes made before they were born?
But the lower classes the wheeler dealers known as the ‘small fry’ of the white stuff mostly cannot find jobs but will get caught persecuted, prosecuted and probably imprisoned for ‘just trying to earn a few quid’ wasting millions of the tax payers money whilst Nigella doesn’t even get a caution from the evidence given to the court, not only that she gets a brand new TV series from Channel Four who claim they set high examples with their programming WALOBs!
It is ‘high’ time all drugs were legalized and Government controlled and tax them at 50% with all other tax including VAT abolished then we could all keep our own hard earnings. If UKIP put that into their manifesto they have got my vote!
Just imagine getting rid of all those bossy barst’s security checks at the Airports searching for weed in your a suitcases, those blokes are so up themselves, let’s put them on more sensible tasks like keeping a proper check on just who and how many thousands of Rumanians, Invadians and others from all parts of Europe are going to come flooding in to our green and pleasant land in the next few months and years to come. Please not Cornwall; there isn’t enough housing or jobs for our current population and I not being racist just a realist my lovers.
Bottom line; I think Nigella earned herself an OSCAR for her over acted court appearance; the Grillo sisters got their NOT GUILTY just deserts so did Nigella, all homemade.

Her future is absolutely assured but she will have to tread careful with the next love in her life, I reckon she might well fall in love with a woman as she believes that ‘all woman have it within them to fall in love with someone of the same sex’ So do I, so do I for I know of a stunningly beautiful young lady who works in our local Sainsbury’s who would dearly love to love Nigella for life! Wow! Can I come and take the pictures please?
Do I still love Nigella? Nope, never did-never will, but I must admit “That woman has got balls” My type is that Mary Berry woman off the BBC she aint pretty but she is a good cook intelligent and nearly attractive (without my glasses) and that Paul Hollybloke says she can’t keep her hands off him in the studio and rumour has it that ‘she goes’ like one of her home baked ‘rabbit’ pie!!
The nearer the bone the sweeter the meat my birds! Imagine that lads, being caught by the Missus having rumpy-pumpy with Auntie Mary? Granny grabbing no less!

Food note; My Lou cooked a recipe from Nigella’s Book and made the meal that allegedly was the same ingredients like the book, god it was some awful (no change there) but that often happens in my household so I cannot blame Nigella. I am NOT allowed in the kitchen (only to wash up and clear up after the mess she makes) so it can’t be my fault either. I used to love the good old days before these bloody dish washing machines when we all got around the sink to wash or dry up! Those dishwashers have ruined the art of any conversation in the kitchen when everyone used to just join in to do the washing up and on Christmas Day you could guarantee there would be either be broken dishes or a punch up or a bloody good row in the kitchen. Best of all is just the two you volunteer to do the job then you can both have a moan on about the crap Christmas meal you just had whilst everyone ‘in the other room’ will probably be calling you worse than muck and you won’t hear a pigging word of it! People are not like that in Cornwall are they? Oh yes they bloody are my lovers! Oh Yes!!

But at least if I take over as kitchen porter to Madame Lou then the job will be done properly ~ anyway back to that meal she cooked which looked as though it wanted to throw itself into the bin she first tries to feed it to the dog Nana Moon who pretended dead then she asks me ‘shall I put it out for the birds’ I said “WTF have the birds done to deserve that” but I watched adoringly as she put the dreaded food onto the bird table.

And lo and behold the birds did arrive from out of the skies for their ‘last supper’ and they did start eating and eating heartily to the delight of Lou, but the poor little buggers tried really hard to take off but couldn’t, and they did hang around for many hours but eventually took off back to the skies and to their nests and guess what? I haven’t seen them since!! The food in my house is a so bad that when Lou sets the mice traps the mice bring their own cheese! No wonder I am always at the doctors!!