Today at Newquay that man we love to hate Steve the Rock Man had brought his squidgy noisy brat of a glove puppet sized snarly little snot bitch twat of a dog called Bruno FFS! I mean when you hear a dog is called BRUNO you imagine a man’s dog not a whimper of a yapping snot gobbling little fart dog that it is, I mean it doesn’t even weigh a bag of sugar but there is was sitting in his van with the window open totally in a world of its own yapping at all and sundry the little shit thing that it is. Anyway, as I walked past his stall the frigging thing was yap-yap yapping constantly and some of the other sellers were getting totally pissed off and moaning about the yapping brat-bitch of a dog (behind Steve’s back) (particularly Hyacinth Bouquet and her toy boy old man)
I shouted 4 times at this excuse for a real dog ‘SHUT UP’ SHUT UP, SHUT UP, SHUT TF UP FFS! In despair I asked stall holders ‘any of you got any guns’? It eventually shut up but I mean our BIG Steve is so very close to the mutt of a dog and it is his very very best friend and it would absolutely break his heart if anything happened to it, so take my advice Big Steve ‘keep it away from me my lover’ if only we had someone selling those BUTT PLUGS I would have bought one there and then and shoved it down BRUNO’S fricking throat the dear of him!

Steve will read this and laugh his bloody head off but I have one Ace card up my sleeve Steve and that is to introduce your ‘happy yappy crappy dog’ to our dog NANA MOON who is the bitch from hell to other dogs and I don’t mean maybe my bird. She has an absolute NO go area to other dogs that come bounding up to her and want to sniff her arse which I sort of understand, I mean how would you feel if a complete stranger came bounding up to you and wanted to sniff your butt, you would kick them straight in the nuts whichever sex they were FFS.

We used to put a great big bowl of water out for other dogs and we noticed that as soon dogs came to the bowl they would scarper like as though they had had an electric shock? On investigating I caught our Nana Moon hiding under our car with a cunning plan, any dog that came to have a drink Nana Moon would chase them off snarling like fury and biting the occasional ear off (she gets it from Lou) It was hilarious to look at with the owners standing by the water offering their sweet pooch a drink when Nana Moon breaks cover! Before the poor pooch thirsty dog gets its first lap at the cool fresh water they have to run like fuck dragging their owners and tails behind them. It’s even funnier when the owner is an real old biddy or an old gadgie and if they have one of them there Zimmer frame things and their dog is trying to run away, brilliant fun. (Now the complaints will come rushing in)

But even funnier at Newquay some dog owner had gone to the portable Loo (no, not my Lou) and had put dogs lead inside the toilet and shut the door whilst doing his business. The dog was studying a rabbit in the grass and not realizing the dog lead was trapped inside the loo I shouted “Fetch” to the dog who almost dragged the toilet to the hedge with its owner screaming like fuck whilst trying to pull his skiddy pants up FFS how it didn’t topple over I will never know but I did not have the balls to tell the owner of the dog it was me who said “Fetch” to the dog, but it was a moment to be lived and made me laugh at the owner of the dog with a now broken lead was not amused.

I tried to discuss with him whilst laughing my stupid head off what could have happened. It definitely was not the dog’s day either cos sitting under my car was indeed Nana Moon with her own freshly caught rabbit who defended her rabbit and territory with her usual snarling bitch mood face that she is! The dog took one look at my bitch and ran off without its lead FFS!! By the way, Nana Moon is the only dog allowed at Mitchell she is a working dog and has her crap at home.
She is such a bully, she recently got her comeuppance when she snarled at some furking great big Alsatian and it floored her in one! He was standing over her ‘the winner’ as she whimpered and moaned ‘let me go-let me go FFS’ just like the great bully bitch wimp that her be.
I was hoping the Alsatian would take a chunk out of her arse to teach her a lesson not to bully other dogs but Alsatians don’t do that sort of thing cos they are better bred than my street accident allegedly a Jack Russell bitch that she is. But we do love her (well Lou does) Nana Moon is a good guard in the car and defends her job as security very well and is available to buy at the right price.

Several season ago I was sitting in the open window car at Newquay with Nana Moon who likes to sit in the window ledge, a man came to the car to get a leaflet and he started to talk to Nana Moon, I said to him ‘don’t touch her she’s nasty’ to which he replied “Oh, I get on great with all dogs she won’t hurt me” I warned him once again ‘don’t touch her’ but he didn’t listen and he put his hand into the car to stroke her and SNAP went Nana Moon’s jaws on to Mr Man’s fingers now bleeding. The same man walked up to Lou at Wadebridge last week and asked “have you still got your dog because I have still got the two scars on my fingers, but I can’t say I wasn’t warned” the silly old sod. Result!! By the way she likes women and kids but does not show much respect or interest in men, bit like me really.
I love all women, well that’s probably a bit over the top but some of you are absolutely lovely, but then again I could be wrong? Some of the Rumanian ladies are stunning to look at but the others are certainly not and that is not racist its the truth. I saw one of them the other day trying to buy an arse-hole but she had to be corrected it was an ‘aerosol’ she wanted.