You know what it’s like lads everything is going smooth in your lives as you drive home after a hard day’s work looking forward to maybe your evening meal, perhaps a gin and tonic or a six pack and more than anything else a cuddle with the woman in your life ‘the wife’! You put the key in the door open up and immediately you get the impression and atmosphere ‘I shouldn’t be here’ something is wrong, you walk in and then it hits you ‘She’ that’s the wife in the kitchen looks like a thunder and lightning show that has taken over her face and yes she is suffering from yet another bloody headache! ‘Hello darling’ is met with a numbed fizz hogged face and it is almost written across her brow ‘There will be NO food tonight I have got a stinking headache so cook your bloody own’ You ask the obvious question ‘Have you taken anything for it’? The snapped reply “Of course I have” So where do you go from here? Well you could completely take control of the situation by going to the bathroom have a wash get changed and piss off out to the local pub or the girlfriend, but no like mugs and gluttons for punishment you decide let’s play along with this and share the headache.

You then try to make conversation which is worse than trying to make a sandwich wearing boxing gloves with your hands behind your back so this is how I dealt with the last episode of the bi-monthly season of headaches and I warn you don’t try it!! MY missus can be a perfect biatch once stricken down with the dreaded headache so for a laugh I thought I would send her to bed well before me but I had fixed the sheets into a ‘French bed’ which is hard work but well worth the effort. Firstly, you strip off the bed completely then get a sheet and fold it in half placing the pillows on the bottom section then fold the top section over the pillows finally placing the quilt and tucking in so it’s not obvious all hell is going to be let loose in no time at all. Once ready I suggest “Why not have a bath Darling it will probably do you good and make you feel better” (It will also give me half an hour of peace) ‘Ok I think I will’ says the near death pained expression of her now overacted fizzhog face as she departs the sitting room to the bathroom! Peace at last! Its revenge time coming up, for sending me to Coventry all bloody night.

Half an hour later she returns nightie clad and as a nice touch I opened her side of the bed and put her bedside light (with a saucer of milk on her bedside cabinet) on so all she had to do was ‘get in’ (you snot gobbling miserable old moo) and ‘get some sleep dearest’! Next I hear her screaming “what the fuck have you done to the effing bed” I go in, her knees are up to her chest where she if fighting to put her feet through the folded sheet and she is not amused! She jumps out of bed stripping off the quilt, pillows are going everywhere and she rips off the offending sheet throws it into my face which is certain grinning from ear to ear! “I did you a French bed dear, used to go down well in the army but I see you are not amused but I think it breaks the monotony of your headache dear” I tried to assist as she remakes the bed and get told to GFY so I did! Full of smirking and satisfaction I ask ‘Any chance of a quick cuddle before you go to sleep my lovely’ was met with a pillow being hurled followed by some pretty offensive language so I departed the room pissing myself laughing! Amazingly it did the trick as I slept out my stupidity on the settee to be woken up with ‘Are you coming to bed now or what’? My Uncle fathered 14 children and poor old deaf Auntie used to go to bed and he would say to her ‘shall we go to sleep or what’? She used to reply “What” and that’s how they got 14 kids! The ‘what’ in my case was “hands above the duvet and get to effing sleep” GOODNIGHT and not even a kiss!!

But, her headache had gone by the morning as about six o’clock I felt her cuddling into me and making further demands of my body, then I woke up and it was all a dream!
Now then, I do have sympathy for all you lovely ladies who suffer from the blinding headaches but I have absolutely NO SYMPATHY for the two male members of our team who recently phoned to say ‘I can’t come in today I have got a bit of a headache. WHAT? Don’t be such a bloody wimp headaches are totally reserved for women it’s their speciality. But I have just one question ladies, ‘Why do you limp when you have got a headache or is that just part of the act’? Love you……XX