Newquay looking good to start on Thursday the 14th of April at 12.00 noon.
Our Landlords Kingsley Village have assured us that all will be ready for us to restart our Car Boot Sales at Newquay from the 14th April and I would firstly draw all dog owners attention to our Home Page where we have very specific instructions for all of our ten locations, however the rules at NEWQUAY are that NO DOGS are allowed into the selling area in the interest of the Health & Safety of all of our customers. These rules are non-negotiable.

After further discussion we have decided not to allow ‘comfort dogs’ into the selling fields. In my opinion at worst it is like someone saying “Can I bring my dog in with me because it helps me out with my confidences” or is it just a ruse to try to avoid paying the 50 pence admission or more than likely an excuse to break our Car Boot Sale rules. I am not aware of any organisation who would provide these people with ‘comfort dog coats’ to break our rules, in fact you can buy a variety of them from about twelve quid on eBay but don’t even go there, the answer is definitely a resounding NO!
However should a blind person wish to be accompanied by a guide dog at one of our Car Boot Sales (a very unlikely event) then we will deal with that if and when the occasion should arise?

What a super crowd at Par Market today with more sellers and buyers than we have ever seen at Par before, it is a lovely clean location on a hard standing surface, the toilets are immaculate and the DOGS have the freedom of their very own grassed POO-LAND area with FREE poo-bags provided. The sun came out making the sellers a really happy lot and the buyers spent well with sellers reporting good takings. I have got to compliment some of the stall holders for the wonderful way in which they present their stalls to the public which is a great credit to them and their hard worked helpers. The ‘committee’ set a high example. This year we will be judging stalls and deciding on one winner at each Car Boot who will get a FREE stall voucher for their next visit and I promise there will be ‘no special favourites’ picked as the daily winner. A good display sells, presentation and clean stock is appreciated by your buyers although it has to be said that the best displays are normally created by the lovely women sellers! God, I am such a creep!
Don’t forget to keep your admission tickets, if you collect all five colours Red, Yellow, Blue, Green and Lilac you can hand them in when you next come to sell and save £5.00 off your selling price. We started this promotion last year and have redeemed well over £5000.00 discounts on these tickets. Someone reported to me that some customers are swapping colours, so what, great idea!

Weather looks promising for the next few days come on out and get some fresh air and either sell to make some cash or buy to make some cash, either way enjoy the weekend so keep your zips and your purses tightly zipped up so no-one but you can ‘nick wots shores’ ‘Know wot I mean’ No nicking and no push-in-in please. Enjoy!!

To a very good seller and friend of CBC enjoy your day mate but to be born on the first of April may explain his couldn’t GAF attitude.

Happy Birthday dear boy.

Geoff

X

It’s ‘get a shave day’ every April the First on behalf of all the lovely LADIES who have to suffer the ‘alleged designer stubble’ Lads get it off you faces cos you is doing untold damage to your wives complexion’s with your constant kissing her with your stubbly chin rubbing against their near perfect skin FFS.
Get it off, then get it on lads, know what I mean?
Incidentally, last Thursday a regular holiday maker lady who comes to Cornwall every year was so pleased to see me she forcefully ‘hung the lips’ on me frightening the pigging life out of me FFS and my god did she needed a shave or what as she stabbed my chin with her porcupine beard FFS!

April Fools GET an EFFING SHAVE day!

Bouncy Castles;

Due to the accidental death in Harlow Essex where seven year old Summer Grant was killed when storm winds lifted the Bouncy Castle into the air causing her death.

The operators of the Bouncy Castle have been arrested and charged with the manslaughter of Summer. It is my belief that the organisers (the management) of the event will also face prosecution for allowing the Bouncy Castle to set up their air inflated Bouncy Castle taking into consideration the weather and high stormy winds.

It is obvious that local councils Health & Safety Departments will be issuing new guide lines regarding Bouncy Castles and in the interim period I will not allow Bouncy Castles at any of our Car Boot locations until Cornwall Council have advised further.

I genuinely regret any inconvenience caused to the Bouncy Castle operators and ask them to accept my decision until further notice.

Geoff Camden Wiles
CAR BOOTS CORNWALL
30/03/2016

https://www.independent.co.uk/news/uk/home-news/harlow-bouncy-castle-death-parents-of-seven-year-old-summer-grant-pay-tribute-a6956601.html

Did you see this?

Great day at Truro yesterday with a couple of incidents worthy of bringing to your attention. The sellers have all arrived and are setting up their stalls (no buying-no selling) until the horn those are the rules. Loads of people see Lou and myself and members of my team walking around the stalls but a few think we are looking to see what the best BARGAINS (and reserving them) there is to buy. Certainly not the case (but a brilliant idea) we are checking all stalls that sell or are trying to sell guns and knives of any sort including kitchen knives and knife sets. We also check electrical items are plugged up the British Standards requirements and we make sure no one is selling animals or food items. Further checks are made to ensure no stall sells either fake or copies of music & Cds (please see out TRADING STANDARDS page on this website.

I walk up the field with Amelia and I note that all of the buyers are queueing on the right hand side in a most orderly fashion behind the barriers and on the other side of the entrance there is a couple of the ‘European Variety’ with a young child in the man’s arms.

I say to Amelia ‘make sure that couple go into the Q like everyone else otherwise we will get complaints about unfair advantage to buy’ They tell Amelia that their excuse was to be away from the hordes of people because “Last week we nearly got crushed with the baby so we will stand at the gate and wait till everyone has gone in” Amelia got that solemn promise and being the lovely softish young mum that she is she understands what the reason was for them to think they could form a separate Q of two FFS! She agrees to the man’s request that they will stay at the gate until the mass of people have gone in to the start of the sale. She tells me of her decision to let the couple stay on the wrong side of the entrance because Amelia is that nice easy going sort of person who trusts almost everybody (apart from me)

Now then, I am of the mistrusting variety and I absolutely knew the couple were going to let Amelia and her judgement down cos I am a nasty bastard at times and my reaction is this. He his wife and their kid should take their place in the Q with everyone else, there are a loads of babies and young children that come to our sales with their mums and dads but they don’t ask for preferential treatment do them FFS?

Never mind Geoff, take it easy lad, and don’t get upset at your age! But, I can see some of the real regulars in the Q were not amused and getting agitated particularly the first 50 in the Q so let’s just get the Car Boot Sale started shall we FFS!
I give Lou (often) the horn to fire and as she does the couple with babe ‘like the shot out of a gun’ nearly bowled me over as they run like buggeree with their kids head flolloping all over the fecking place and beating most of the other buyers to the first stalls and I was fecking livid especially as I had got a bollicking from a regular for allowing that to happen. I do hope Mr and Mrs European Variety show up next week, let them ask me if they can go to the front of a separate Q again FFS!
Read on;

Part Two

Now then, when I park up the fields I plan in my mind when the cars arrive where they will go in the different lines of sellers and I sometimes leave a space at the entrance end of a row for disabled people to have the best walking access to the toilets 3 miles away because I am that sort of a nice considerate person. Last Sunday a man drove his car through the main gates into the selling area jumping the queue and causing lots of complaints from other sellers. He was trying to do a three point turn into my space reserved for disabled. I said “sorry that space is reserved for a disabled driver” and he said ‘Well, I am staying here’ “So you have no respect for the disabled, please move” ‘Fook the disabled, I am parked up here so I am staying’ “Well I want you to move now” He then starts walking towards me with clenched fists ‘ere come ere’ he shouts and I can tell he is getting nasty and probably punchy! “Look, I have got the rest of the cars to park, I hope you take NO MONEY yer selfish bugger”
I had completely forgotten about the stupid looking twit, I won’t call him a twat because that is disrespectful to the twat, twats and the twatesses’ firkin family’s FFS!

But, a couple of the lovely lady complainants from last week asked me about the incident as it seems that he drove straight in from the very busy main gate jumped the Q in front of them straight into the selling field without paying and it would seem he may have been drinking the sot that he is! If I ever suspect that one of our sellers has been drinking I would and have done reported them to the Police. Why should anyone come to our events worse for drink FFS! The man, probably in his late twenties has to resort to threatening physical violence to such an old git as me and I was only doing my job seeing ‘fair play’ towards the disabled FFS!

Truthfully, I seldom get the urge to kick anyone in the goolies cos I know it hurts but this candidate fitted the bill perfectly and my two lovely lady complainants were so annoyed at his arrogance we are hoping he may turn up again and they can do the honours then I can watch, and if he really gets injured then our very own Ena Sharples will be on first aiders standby, a fate worse than not living in Cornwall.

Now then about drinking and malicious rumours. A lady seller had and her friend set up their stall when one of them was completely overtaken by anxiety at her stall and collapsed crashing in their tables spoiling the display and breaking several items for sale (tut-tut) By the time I had been told by various people gossipmongers comments about ‘I bet she’s been drinking’ and were totally bloody well wrong because she was a non-drinker and she wasn’t high on drug neither.

I sat with her in front of her car to assess if an ambulance was required as she had cut her chin and forehead. Apart from the fall she had no idea at all as to why she had collapsed so it was probably one of those awful ‘hot flush moments’ that you lovely ladies get now and again (almost every day in my household) but within no time at all of being in my company she was ‘beginning to feel better’ bless her heart. Who was this lady and her friend, left hand side top row?
Message;
I do hope you is feeling much better and now please will you pay your friend for the breakages, please!

Geoff
X

Ps; In no way am I criticising Amelia she is most popular with the members of the Committee and our customers and our team mates. We adore you Amy you little old softie mummy of two.

XX

Also, on Friday the First of April Car Boot Sale at the more sensible time of 12.30 pm at FALMOUTH Rugby Club, Tregenver Road TR11 4PA sellers from 10.30 am You could do the 2 in one day couldn’t you?

Car Boot Sales this week-subject to grounds and weather;

Thursday 24th at PAR MARKET at 12.00 noon>>>>

Good Friday 25th at Falmouth at 12.30 pm>>>>

Saturday 26th at MITCHELL at 12.00 noon>>>>

Sunday 27th at TRURO at 1.30 pm>>>>

Bank Holiday Monday 28th at FALMOUTH at 10.00 am>>>>

Bank Holiday Monday 28th at TRURO at 1.30 pm

Sellers should arrive at least one hour before start times;
Enjoy our sales and everyone be nice to your fellow booter’s whether they are buyers or sellers please and NO NICKING nor Pushin-in-please FFS!

Happy Easter.

Geoff

x

Please note; Newquay will hopefully start on Tuesday the 29th or Thursday the 31st of March subject to ground conditions and weather.

Everyone was happy today, good weather over 80 stalls and around 2000 men women and their kids looking for and buying BARGAINS! We had one complaint about something that was stolen from a stall, I mean really, two persons both adults supervising a selling space no more than 10 x 4 and they allow someone to steal from them, what the hell were they doing FFS? Your problem, deal with it, concentrate!

Lots and lots of complaints about ‘all these foreigners’ and ‘I am going to vote to get out of the EU’ seemed to be the popular opinion from a fair selection of our regular customers. I will give my opinion later but I think Cameron has lied so much to the British people since him and his rotten government came to power but I fear that this time he will win the vote. However, as June approaches and judging from people’s opinion at the moment Davey Boy might get a shock and get his arse kicked out of Downing Street as a loser, hopefully?

Now then, over the winter period it seems the Inland Revenue have been paying a lot of attention to sellers on eBay in particular ‘their takings’ and is there any income tax due? I have got to tell you they are relentless in their checks so as a friend I am advising you that if you are making money from sales on eBay then you should get advice from either the Inland Revenue or an accountant. Similarly if you do Car Boot Sales on a regular basis you should declare what you are doing and about your earnings to the Inland Revenue and ask for their advice. Come clean, cos the longer you leave it the bigger the income tax demand. Oh, and by the way don’t come to the boot sales bragging about “They will never catch me cos I’ve got loads of different accounts on eBay” cos they can and will my lovers. We know of 3 people being ‘looked into’ so to speak by the Big Brother investigation teams of the Inland Revenue!

My advice is still tongue-wise head! Tell absolutely no-one any of your Car Boot or eBay business especially at our Car Boot Sales cos gossip is rife and titbits of information overheard at my sales often reappear in this column FFS! Fess up time for the guilty ones.

We are in discussion with Perranporth Rugby Club to hold Car Boot Sales at their grounds which I believe will be most popular. We are planning Wednesdays to start with and we may well do Sundays during the peak season school holidays.

Newquay is difficult to predict at the moment however the Landlords assure us we will operate for Easter weekend. The entrance has been moved back to the original Morrison’s roundabout.

Ladies, similar to last year if there are any husband and wifey teams who sell regularly at our sales and he is being a pain in the bum, then why not volunteer him to help us park up the cars of the buyers whilst you can get on with setting your stall up ‘your way for once’ FFS! You will be able to arrive early to set your own stall up, he can help you (and pour your coffee) till we need him and you get a FREE STALL into the bargain saving over a tenner! All we ask of him is that he wears one of our HV tops and Bob will teach him the rest and if the truth be known he will enjoy himself much more parking with us for a while than working with you especially if you have both had that regular ‘early morning tiff’ FFS! Then everybody’s happy hopefully.

Back to ‘all those foreigners’ I have got to admit they were all great on Sunday their behaviour was as it should be and they spent well and they read this column and I believe that the different communities appreciate our Cornish customs, however there was one good looking fellow foreigner who was ready to Pole-vault over the fencing as soon as the horn started the sale. There is a barbed wire attached to the top of the POLES and as he was about to leap-frog over his mates POLE-d him away. I would have loved to have put something in our Accident Book about some foreign bloke (we are all foreign FFS) ripping his goolies open at our Sunday Car Boot which would have been a great spectacle especially as Marge and Posh Ann were on standby first aiders. Imagine the blood! Goulash for tea dears!

A major achievement;

This week we will have achieved over ONE MILLION visits to our website and we thank all of our visitors for their support. I would ask that if you read an item you enjoy send it one to one of your friends by copying and pasting the address bar please.
Take care with and enjoy your life my lovelies.
Geoff
Ps; I know the Polish people have a good sense of humour and that they probably get blamed for most that goes wrong cos it’s easy to say the word POLES ‘the Poles did it’ FFS, we Cornish folk have a warped sense of stupidity and humour which POLE-itely put means it is tough shit on you POLES but bloody hilarious really.

I had a girlfriend once I think she was a Pole, her was called POLE-ene! Get it? Pauline!! Take care you Poles Pol-ease! And don’t forget to use out toilets ‘not on the grass’ then when you’ve finished you can POLE the chain FFS!!

x
Now was that a POLE-ished performance or what me ansum?

WARNING:

Car Boot Sales are a great place to find a partner so getting to know some of our regulars where we can get to the ‘real live gossip’ is great fun, it’s ‘change your partner’ time! Over the years Lou and I have witnessed some amazing relationships that have started off at our sales, we cannot say they last forever cos we are continuously stunned at how quickly some blokes dump one missus and the following week he appears with another woman holding hands walking around the booty with a smug ‘look at me’ attitude and being all lovey-dovey for all to see. We have known so many couples for years then suddenly she goes missing from her regular partner for a week or so then low and behold she arrives with a new partner the ‘new beau in her life’ but she is not as bold nor as brazen as the blokes, her sort of cannot show public love for she ‘new partner’ so she treats him like an additional shopping bag or makes him wait in the pigging entrance whilst she goes and gets her car boot shopping and gossip therapy and to buy new (second hand) sheets and a duvet cover for the ‘new partners’ marital bed!
Life is just like that here in Cornwall where the women are totally in control and gorgeous and the men are just plain lucky ‘to have me’ but gormless most of the time! (That is according to the women) I can think of ten of our male customers, all fugly fat and furking podgy and I can think of ten of our regular lady customers with ‘figures to die for’ (if only) and ninety-nine percent of them are all lovely-lovely ladies. I could name the one percent who has fallen off the popularity and Rictar scale but she knows who she is so she does so!! If CBC were Coronation Street this lady most definitely qualifies as Car Boots Cornwall’s very own Ena Sharples!! Back to the story!

I can think of more than 10 couples who have joined this merry-go-round over recent years and some of them have changed partners three or four times FFS! So love blossoms at our car booties. We know of couples who have met and fallen dramatically in love with each other but they have a ‘no sex’ relationship (shaking hands at night instead of shaking anything else) “Goodnight dear” and off they go to their separate beds (to take themselves in hand-no doubt) but they dearly love each other to bits with absolutely no ’touchy-feely’ and they are genuinely the greatest of mates and the bestest of friends and great company for each other but often referred to as complete and utter nutters FFS?

These NO SEX relationships are either out of respect for his dearly beloved departed partner or (more than likely) cos his dick doesn’t work anymore FFS or more like it the new she woman in his life he finds out when it is too late that her is as frigid as fcuk or she’s got a permanent headache or she suffers mood swings hot flushes or a weak bladder or she’s had everything in that special place between mummies legs ‘all taken away’ FFS?
Life seriously isn’t all about sex (yes it is) (oh yes it is) when you are looking for a new partner. The worst part for the men is a fear that his old John Thomas does not rise to the occasion when the opportunity for a new partner ‘first shag’ does arise! An even bigger worry is that his new she partner may find out in no time at all that she is much worse off than the one she has just got rid of FFS or his new she woman has really found out what a miserable tight fisted old shit the new beau in her life is and basically he is not a lot berrer than the one she has just got rid of and he is pretty fricking useless in the shack as well, FFS!
From then on in me ansum your new she women or he man has a tight grip on your balls, (or yer short and curlies) believe me, so nothing’s changed that much really different partner, different ways, different strokes different fcuks? But has it all worked out how you had hoped and dreamed, well, has it or has it not? I do hope so-so that you can both build on your happiness for each other. Life’s a bitch, then you marry one FFS.

So, if you are alone and without a partner why not come to our Community Car Boot Sales in Cornwall wearing a white Tee Shirt advertising “ I am all alone looking for a partner” in smaller print a disclaimer “But I must get my wife’s permission first FFS” You will find that all of our boot sales there are hundreds of lone and gorgeous ladies and blokes who you can meet up with and there are some fantastic but genuinely lonely people of all ages looking for that new special partner in their lives but be warned! Get rid of the old one first FFS! Some of em are probably just out for a little bit ‘on the side’ or ‘a quick shag’ or ‘a knee trembler’ so to speak so ask yourself this;

Check this out;

‘Is it your body and love and friendship and genuine company that they want’ (or vice-versa) (or are they just out for a ‘one to five’ minute quick shag) (or both) or are they (more than likely) just heartless bastards who will swear ‘love and loyalty’ to you but all they are really wanting is to get their wicked way with you then’ sod off’ with all your dosh dear? Cos that’s what’ll happen, so beware of your foolish hearts my lovers, because you have but one life and if the truth be known you have more than likely cocked it up once or twice already FFS if the truth be known, so to speak. But be happy be careful and be without Aids and don’t give yourself away too cheaply my lovelies FFS. Also beware, happiness has a wicked price to pay at times so watch out for some bugger come along and try and spoil it all for you. Cos that’s what’ll happen, that’s what’ll happen you mark my words me ansum if you don’t dot the eyes and cross the tees that’s what’ll happen! So to prevent any complications there should be a Compulsory Pre-Nuptial agreement between partners before you move in together?

Pre-Nuptial Agreement;

The Agreement shall say;

1.Thou shalt not never, neither of you, not in no way hit each other, count to ten then count another ten, then if he is still annoying the hell out of you-you should wait until he has got an erection at some time ‘today’ then accidently but firmly knee him gently in the bollocks, one direct hit hurts like fcuk FFS!) However if she is still annoying the hell out of you then tough shit young man WTF! Deal with it! Respects!

2. Thou shalt love and be loyal to each other and only in exceptional circumstances one or two little white lies are allowed (just to keep the peace) 2a. Thou shalt ‘honour each other’ but thou shalt be allowed to argue over the ‘I will obey bit’ until the men respond to the wife’s Cornish training that wears you down so you might as well give in eventually conceding sorry dearest, ‘I was wrong’ and ‘you are right’ again FFS!!

3. Thou shalt treat ALL children in the new relationship from both sides with due respects and ‘EAT THEM’ starting with the eldest!! Next, ‘EAT ALL’ all of their ‘social media contacts’ finally EAT the in-laws from both sides of this new partnership FFS! Bon Appetit! Burp, Belch! Go on, eat, eat EAT! That’s got rid of that lot FFS thank TF for that!

4. Thou shalt agree that either partner may ‘take up references’ from each other’s ex partners over the following confessional to ensure the other partner is not telling furking great ‘porkie pies’ FFS!

The confessional!

And in the beginning thou shalt both confess to each other to all of your murky past love lives in full gory details please (without lies nor exaggerations) by fessing up to each other what age were you were when you ‘lost it’ and ‘with whom’ then tell your partner of all of your various (bedded) conquests to the nearest nought; i.e. 10 20 30 up to 100 plus, then who is telling furking great lies FFS! In that confession you should explain why your previous relationship didn’t work and remember this;

(4a) Thou shalt remember NO slagging off your ‘ex’ partners cos you loved them at one time and you bloody well know you did, but it does work wonders if you ‘over emphasise’ about your sex life with your ex by saying that they were absolutely ‘brilliant in bed’ (If they were that good, so why the hell did you leave in the first place FFS?) like ‘she were like a nympho’ or ‘he were like a stallion’ (it works) (lay back and shag for Cornwall cos your new partner will work their butts off to compete with the happiness your ex was giving you) (Some hope) So if your ex is not there to defend themselves, be fair and don’t slag them off, you rotten B’stards!

(4b) Thou shalt always speak of your ex ‘with respects’ and no effing and blinding in this confession because “you really did love them at one time” (Yes you did yer liar) and in time you may well wish you hadn’t left in the first place hopefully, you rotten sod!
Were you at fault? Come on it’s time to fess-up! Were you a tight fisted twat? Tell the truth! Are you beginning to wish you hadn’t left in the first place? Can you not sleep at night because you can’t get your ex out of your minds FFS!? Do yer wanna go back? Well it’s too bloody late mate! Your ex is now with someone much better than you see, so you can GAFY! You made your bed so take ‘yourself in hand’ and go and fricking lie in it, no use whinging now is it FFS! Deal with it!

5. Thou shalt be totally committed to each other and never lose sight of the other person’s opinion (however fricking stupid it is) but the male should always consider conceding “Sorry darling, ‘I was wrong’ and ‘you are right ‘again FFS” just for a peaceful life for you both you should understand.

6. Thou shalt complement each other especially your women, they love to hear those three words ‘you are beautiful’ or ‘fcuk you’re lovely’ or ‘do your hair’ FFS!! However ‘I love you’ goes a long way but the three words they all love to hear is ‘you’ve lost weight’ and say it like you mean it even though it may not be true, flatter her, be nice to her, kiss and caress her and if you play your cards right she might ‘get em off’ for you later and you can completely get ‘yer own way’ with her and then you can all wake up and find out it’s all been a fricking great ‘horny wet dream’ FFS!
Ladies (in briefs) (hopefully) thou shalt always compliment your man with the only three words all men love and want to hear which are ‘fancy a quick shag’ Blissful!! (Dream on) (Headaches & hot flushes & mood swings would not permit such joyous frivolities) (Especially if you come from the Camborne Roseworthy and Drooth areas FFS) anyway;

Let’s get physical;

7. Thou shalt show great physical love with each other and take time out at least twice a day cavorting and humping and bonking and shagging away to the sound of loud erotic music replayed and replayed again then at double speed FFS, this is brilliant exercise and ‘good for your heart’ so full on naked bonking is compulsory up to at least the age of 92 years (ladies 96) twice daily and three times on a Sunday in time with the church bells bonk, bong, and bonk some more, go for it! It could be your last time ever you never know, it won’t look very pretty but fuck what a wonderful way to die with a fixed smile on yer faces FFS! They died on the nest RIP! FFS!

(7a) Thou shalt not ‘fake’ enjoyment nor climaxes and no talking just gentle screaming with delirium! (Are you in yet?) Moaning and encouraging ‘Ooos and Rrss’ are permitted (especially your Rrss) during these highly exciting daily sexual rituals. Climatic screaming is permitted and its great fun and it really pisses the neighbours off so open all the fucking windows and scream like fcuk YES! YES and YES again and again at the start of, and during, and at the end of these climatic nuptials, but concentrate and ‘go for it’ and don’t fricking fake it FFS. Just as ‘climax time’ approaches get a babies bottle filled with milk and spray it out of the open windows like a jet of sperm shouting “yes, yes, yes yes” again and again! That will so piss the neighbours off but worthy of a good laugh FFS! However the neighbours may well complain (so be prepared for eviction?)

8. Thou shalt always be energetic and acrobatic in making love with each other bounding and romping around the room shagging away like young things and ‘giving it some large’ depending upon your age and your “alleged severe disabilities” (where’s your walking stick and yer bleeding Zimmer frame now you old bugger) which suddenly disappeared during sex, have you noticed? Nothing wrong with your back now is there dear?

9. Thou shalt constantly praise each other’s body even though you are both probably bordering on being hideously but beautifully overweight and podgy with disgustingly beautiful creases and decreases and globules of fatty flaps everywhere and you’re probably haven’t got that much to talk about or look at or offer ‘down there below’ neither FFS!!! But, beauty in in the eyes of the beholders so thou shalt make love to and adore each other so who cares if you don’t look absolute perfection with all your imperfections! Love is blind so they say, so my lovers so shag away! WALOBs!

10. Thou shalt be more than imaginative in your love making. I find at my age a hoist above the bed is most useful although a recent power cut had me strapped in helplessly suspended from the frigging ceiling for four hours with an long like battery ‘butt plug’ vibrator up my rear end last Thursday FFS! (Please, don’t tell the wife)

11. Thou shalt not pee in the bath (it stings yer eyes) however joint bathing with special emphasis on washing the ‘down below’ areas of your partner (time for a shave dear) is great fun and showering together is an even greater enjoyment especially with a bottle of Johnsons Baby oil (my dear friend Rich did the Johnsons treatment with his missus wife one day and he skidded in the shower so badly he did a double somersault and hasn’t walked proper since) (and they still haven’t found the soap dish neither my lovers, FFS) But lots of imagination is required that is of course providing you can find a bath or a shower that is big enough YFBs!

12. Thou shalt not allow arguments to go on and on and pigging on. Act like sensible grown-ups FFS and give in to each other, fess up and kiss each other goodnight every night, tell em whatever they want to hear. Never argue about sex but if you whisper sweet nothings into their ears and say sorry for whatever you have done wrong FFS and then you could get your wicked way and then you can pull her nightie down afterwards and then you can fall asleep and then you wake up in the morning and then you can act as though you don’t even know them and you don’t speak you just completely fecking ignore them as though they don’t exist, and you don’t have the decency to even make her a cup of tea FFS, wots that all about you effing MOBs!! Great way to treat a partner? Respects FFS!
But, it is great fun for two when you make up as he admits in those three words women love to hear those ‘I am sorry’ ‘I was wrong’ It’s bonk time! ‘Get then off’ Yeh! Yeh! Yeh! ‘And she says’ ‘Go to sleep’ F F S!! (It’s good to day dream) especially if you come from Camborne Roseworthy or Drooth areas!

14. Thou shalt not fall out with each other over trivialities nor harp on relentlessly over sweet FA FFS!! Ladies, you all have it within your power to pull the most disgustingly frighteningly god dammed awful double chinned and dangerous ‘I am displeased’ look on your faces that says “don’t fcuk with me” ageing you in seconds by more than twenty years FFS and yet you do this without saying a single effing word but all of the time you do it just to get your own way, wots that all about FFS!

15. Thou shalt always be happy with your life and loving to each other during difficult times and never let any other B’stards get you down. Don’t take on debts together nor alone, if you can’t afford it don’t get it until you have got the dosh dears! Don’t drool over clothing that you cannot afford and you think they will make you look like the Queen of Sheba or the King of Dong cos that aint gonna happen my lovers, do without, you’re lovely as you are FGS! Thou shalt not get obsessed into believing there is a huge Bingo Jackpot that has got your name on it especially these TV adverts that say there are millions in prizes to be won which is a load of bollocks. Best spend a couple of quid on the lottery and have day dream cos that’s as far as the majority of us will ever get, but what a daydream FFS!

The contract;

15a. Thou shalt allow your lady partner the privilege of having her breakfast brought to her in bed every day by YOU personally 7 days a week ‘without moaning’ apart from on your birthday when it’s her turn. She will so enjoy and love being pampered with these morning rituals ‘being waited on by her man’ as he walks into the bedroom (this is you) with her tray of breakfast Cereal, Fruit, Toast mug of hot water (to thin the blood) but if you have given her a good start for her day with a nice breakfast she may well reward you with the FAS request on the other hand she may not FFS!

16. Thou shalt allow your partner to keep in touch with friends but not relatives (eat them FFS) that’s far too fecking messy and complicated for a peaceful life FFS but friends of bygone days are ok but be suspicious if it extends to stop-overs but then two can play at that game, can’t they dears?

17. Thou shalt share and share alike 50/50 is a good target but thou shalt not waste your money on rip off TV Bingo nor killer poisons like tobacco and nicotine’s however the occasional home grown joints or spliffs of De Herb receives Geoff Says Pre-Nuptial Agreement with total approval. Legalise it!!

18. Thou shalt always be loyal in love and trust each other and Thou shalt not try to make each other jealous unless there is someone really dishy around.

19. Thou shalt be happy to share absolutely (steady on FFS) everything together and stay in love until the next time around. All change!

Must be signed with at least 2 witnesses (great way to get the foursomes going)

Date of Nuptial agreement ……………………………

Him & Her names;……………………..Signed

Her and Her names;………………………………Signed

Him & Him names; …………………….Signed

Her, her and him; (Lucky B’stards)…………………………..Signed (with Mobile numbers please)

Date when it all ended with tears?…………..

Who was unfaithful?………………………..

…………………………………………

In a new partnership it takes total love and loyalty to each other and definitely ‘NO’ neither of you can ‘have a little bit on the side’ cos that’s wot causes divorces and divorces are furking expensive! Then you have to employ bleeden rip-off Solicitors see, and all they seem to do is shuffle bits of paper from one side of the desk to the other write loads of crap to you, make loads of ‘gobbing it orf’ (basically talking a whole load of posh shite) phone calls to the other side and then they whack you with an amazing bill FFS! And, and they are quite delighted and ‘over the moon’ that poor old you is unhappy and ‘having a divorce’ and they like it even more when they have got you spinning around saying “my solicitor this and my solicitor that” because they know they will earn rich livings preying on divorces cos they know they can rip you off loads of dosh by prolonging proceedings that seem to go on and on forever and the delay is always caused by ‘the other side’ FFS? So don’t go there, affairs are not allowed, unless you are desperate of course?

The conclusions;

So, my advice is this; go for the long haul partnership and be like me and my missus cos there are thousands and millions of us in this happy and pleasant and permanently long and loving relationship bonded together just the ‘two of us’ meaning total togetherness where you go through all sorts of shit together ‘slaying many dragons’ on the way which seems never ending but you stand solidly together as partners over many years where at times you will love each other to bits and there are times you will actually loathe each other to bits. But really real love wins in the end!
True loyalty and love for each other as you accept that she ‘the lady wife’ in your life who ‘must be obeyed’ and for the sake of peace in your life she gets her own wicked way all or most of the time and that ‘she is right’ about absolutely everything she says FFS! WALOBs!!

But then as you grow an older and wiser couple you become acceptably graceful together in total love and trust prevails. And life is brilliant all of the time cos you just wanna be alone just the two of you in each other’s company and you shut the whole world outside away and you can cosy up to each other and hold hands and have far too many ‘no sex cuddles’ but just be yourselves the two of you for life, living your lives and loves as one, then life is wonderful all of the time!

And then suddenly?

Oh, No, FFS!

Time to cry…………………..

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