In the 1980s I was General Manager of Pontins at Brean Sands in Somerset and I used to visit the other Pontins a few miles away at the lovely SAND BAY complex which catered mainly for elderly couples during the out of season months offering FULL BOARD holidays for bargain prices. Most of the charming OLD AGED PENSIONER couples would arrive by coaches from all over the country for a holiday to remember. Trouble is that a lot of these oldies could not cope with feeding their faces with three really good meals a day and supper ballroom dancing, swimming, competitions, cheap drinks, great stage shows and all round fun and possibly a little bit of ‘slap and tickle’ back in the old chalet! Imagine!

By day four some of the old fogies are wilting like Lillie’s and cannot cope with the pace but ‘I’ve paid for it and I am going for it’ is the general attitude despite the fact that on average there was at least one death a week from sheer exhaustion from those who could not cope with the pace. Pontins at Sand Bay was therefore known as GODS WAITING ROOM.

On one last night of the week at Sand Bay in the Ballroom where everyone was enjoying the build up to saying ‘Cheerio hope to see you again’ one old gent died in the middle of the dance floor and the quick minded Assistant Manager covered the body in a blanket surrounding it by chairs and carried on with the band stage show FINALE’ march of the MODS and the whole crowd did a CONGA around the deceased! How distasteful but bloody funny. Wake UP!

I used to have some really good chats with these lovely old folk but you would always get the few moaners who wont go for a walk and they wont join in the fun because they are too tired and their ‘too ill’ to be bothered to do more than just sit and bloody moan and the moaners are ALL MEN!

In the past two weeks as the season got busier I have seen so many old faces from previous years and I was shocked that two of them had almost given up the will to live saying their wives had tried hard to get them to exercise but they are happy to sit around and do nothing about their plights. One man said to me’ I have NO REAL REASON to get out of bed or any reason to live’ and yet we have a lady customer who has struggled against her cancer and taken all the treatment and medicines with terrible side effects she has finally been given the ‘all clear’ and it is a delight to see how happy she is to be with her devoted husband walking the walk and working together for her convalescence.
Come on lads don’t turn our Car Boots into GODS WAITING ROOM get up and do something about your ills and do some exercises, buy some weights, I do half an hour every day on the weights and then I go for a jog (then I wake up and its all a dream) but I remember the time when I was disabled and had to rely on the Blue Disabled Pass, that was 14 years ago! Get some exercise my lovers, Go for it!!

AMEN

Geoff

She called me a BUTT plug, WTF is a Butt Plug?

Regulars have noticed that some of the young people who helped us last year are back again most of them students and the one person who everyone will remember is 17 years old Alice our attractive (from a distance) team member who collects the sellers rents. She is great fun to work with and has a brilliant sense of humour and her popularity is a credit to her likeable personality, the downside of Alice is like all women she has her mood swings and then??
Her and I were having a friendly row a couple of weeks ago and as she was losing the argument she decided to resort to verbal abuse by calling me a ‘BUTT PLUG’ After she had stopped laughing at her own joke (always does) I asked her ‘WTF is a BUTT PLUG’ and she replied “You’re one, look it up on GOOGLE” So I did and I was alarmed that at my sweet old age I had not come across BUTT PLUGS before. For those of you readers you will read this and say ‘WTF is a BUTT PLUG’? Let me explain, basically you grease them up a bit then shove them up your bum, it’s supposed to be an ‘exhilarating and an exshiting experience’ especially the vibrating ones. They seem to come in three sizes small medium or the ‘Ooh that’s lovely’ large one which is battery operated and has 10 different speeds FFS! And, I am led to believe that some people have one inserted all day? So if you are standing and talking to someone and you hear a slight vibrating sound you will know what it is, I mean I personally never would have thought such a thing existed but now I know what a BUTT PLUG is so I must get even with Alice for calling me a BUTT PLUG in the first place, the cheeky MOO face!
Now then, my business mind takes it a stage further particularly with our Car Boots biggest problem ‘dogs’ or to be more specific dog shit. Supposing these BUTT PLUGS were made in various doggy sizes and we loaned all dog owners who arrived with a dog to either buy or sell at our Car Boots the perfect sized BUTT PLUG for their dog to prevent it having a crap at my car boots. So, the perfect fit BUTT PLUG has to be vasalined by the dog’s owner (please bring your own Vaseline) then inserted up your dog’s butt hence BUTT PLUG! Your dog might well yelp and scream a bit or may wish to snap your frigging hands off or try to run a mile, but persevere my dears ! We recommend a bungee jump over its clap trap could help. We could have our very own BUTT PLUG Inspector Miss Alice Mc Fartlane to check all dogs have their BUTT PLUGS correctly inserted. Now then, when the dog and its owners want to leave they unplug their dogs bum BUTT PLUG and throw the used bum BUTT PLUGS into the bin provided. Then and only then your dog can feel free to have its crap of the day and be content to empty its bowels in the safety and comfort of your very own car hopefully redecorating your seats (sniff it up) with shite and not my Car Boot fields!

Today at Newquay that man we love to hate Steve the Rock Man had brought his squidgy noisy brat of a glove puppet sized snarly little snot bitch twat of a dog called Bruno FFS! I mean when you hear a dog is called BRUNO you imagine a man’s dog not a whimper of a yapping snot gobbling little fart dog that it is, I mean it doesn’t even weigh a bag of sugar but there is was sitting in his van with the window open totally in a world of its own yapping at all and sundry the little shit thing that it is. Anyway, as I walked past his stall the frigging thing was yap-yap yapping constantly and some of the other sellers were getting totally pissed off and moaning about the yapping brat-bitch of a dog (behind Steve’s back) (particularly Hyacinth Bouquet and her toy boy old man)
I shouted 4 times at this excuse for a real dog ‘SHUT UP’ SHUT UP, SHUT UP, SHUT TF UP FFS! In despair I asked stall holders ‘any of you got any guns’? It eventually shut up but I mean our BIG Steve is so very close to the mutt of a dog and it is his very very best friend and it would absolutely break his heart if anything happened to it, so take my advice Big Steve ‘keep it away from me my lover’ if only we had someone selling those BUTT PLUGS I would have bought one there and then and shoved it down BRUNO’S fricking throat the dear of him!

Steve will read this and laugh his bloody head off but I have one Ace card up my sleeve Steve and that is to introduce your ‘happy yappy crappy dog’ to our dog NANA MOON who is the bitch from hell to other dogs and I don’t mean maybe my bird. She has an absolute NO go area to other dogs that come bounding up to her and want to sniff her arse which I sort of understand, I mean how would you feel if a complete stranger came bounding up to you and wanted to sniff your butt, you would kick them straight in the nuts whichever sex they were FFS.

We used to put a great big bowl of water out for other dogs and we noticed that as soon dogs came to the bowl they would scarper like as though they had had an electric shock? On investigating I caught our Nana Moon hiding under our car with a cunning plan, any dog that came to have a drink Nana Moon would chase them off snarling like fury and biting the occasional ear off (she gets it from Lou) It was hilarious to look at with the owners standing by the water offering their sweet pooch a drink when Nana Moon breaks cover! Before the poor pooch thirsty dog gets its first lap at the cool fresh water they have to run like fuck dragging their owners and tails behind them. It’s even funnier when the owner is an real old biddy or an old gadgie and if they have one of them there Zimmer frame things and their dog is trying to run away, brilliant fun. (Now the complaints will come rushing in)

But even funnier at Newquay some dog owner had gone to the portable Loo (no, not my Lou) and had put dogs lead inside the toilet and shut the door whilst doing his business. The dog was studying a rabbit in the grass and not realizing the dog lead was trapped inside the loo I shouted “Fetch” to the dog who almost dragged the toilet to the hedge with its owner screaming like fuck whilst trying to pull his skiddy pants up FFS how it didn’t topple over I will never know but I did not have the balls to tell the owner of the dog it was me who said “Fetch” to the dog, but it was a moment to be lived and made me laugh at the owner of the dog with a now broken lead was not amused.

I tried to discuss with him whilst laughing my stupid head off what could have happened. It definitely was not the dog’s day either cos sitting under my car was indeed Nana Moon with her own freshly caught rabbit who defended her rabbit and territory with her usual snarling bitch mood face that she is! The dog took one look at my bitch and ran off without its lead FFS!! By the way, Nana Moon is the only dog allowed at Mitchell she is a working dog and has her crap at home.
She is such a bully, she recently got her comeuppance when she snarled at some furking great big Alsatian and it floored her in one! He was standing over her ‘the winner’ as she whimpered and moaned ‘let me go-let me go FFS’ just like the great bully bitch wimp that her be.
I was hoping the Alsatian would take a chunk out of her arse to teach her a lesson not to bully other dogs but Alsatians don’t do that sort of thing cos they are better bred than my street accident allegedly a Jack Russell bitch that she is. But we do love her (well Lou does) Nana Moon is a good guard in the car and defends her job as security very well and is available to buy at the right price.

Several season ago I was sitting in the open window car at Newquay with Nana Moon who likes to sit in the window ledge, a man came to the car to get a leaflet and he started to talk to Nana Moon, I said to him ‘don’t touch her she’s nasty’ to which he replied “Oh, I get on great with all dogs she won’t hurt me” I warned him once again ‘don’t touch her’ but he didn’t listen and he put his hand into the car to stroke her and SNAP went Nana Moon’s jaws on to Mr Man’s fingers now bleeding. The same man walked up to Lou at Wadebridge last week and asked “have you still got your dog because I have still got the two scars on my fingers, but I can’t say I wasn’t warned” the silly old sod. Result!! By the way she likes women and kids but does not show much respect or interest in men, bit like me really.
I love all women, well that’s probably a bit over the top but some of you are absolutely lovely, but then again I could be wrong? Some of the Rumanian ladies are stunning to look at but the others are certainly not and that is not racist its the truth. I saw one of them the other day trying to buy an arse-hole but she had to be corrected it was an ‘aerosol’ she wanted.

There were a man at Newquay today waiting to talk to me and he didn’t look in a happy mood. As I walked towards him I notice he was wearing a navy blue boiler suit which had loads of white and seagull shite looking splodges on it so I am looking around to see where the seagulls were cos I were thinking he had been pebble dashed by a brigade of those sodding squealing sky shitting seagulls fed by the tourists at our public event FFS. But no, he wanted to complain that a dog had crapped in front of one of the stalls and people were treading it into their shoes.

On the way to investigate (where is the effing dog and its effing owners) two young mother complain to me that they had pushed their pushchairs through the mess which was sticking to the wheels. I mean WTF do these tourists from up-country feed their dogs I get used to seeing turds of all shapes and sizes (No! I am not talking about our customers FFS) but this lot looked like curried old gits haemorrhoid’s and it was still moving FFS and here am I faced with a ‘crap of a lifetime runny pile of shite’ problem, shall I just go home?
I do the usual by sticking bollards over the dog dung and tell Mr boiler suit the outcome of his observation and thanked him. But, how is it that everybody tells me after to dog have done its business? To all customers’ sellers or buyers alike please be more observant and tell me or Dog-Poo Warden Alice or any member of our staff if a dog dumps in front of you. By the way my observations of the man in the boiler suit, it seems he is a decorator who uses his boiler suit as a colour chart or he is very careless where he puts his brushes and rollers or he could have fallen into all of his pots of paint pissed out of his mind, who cares but it wasn’t the seagulls who splattered him I am reliably informed. Must get my eyes tested.
Those young mums will have had to wash their pushchairs when they got home and I do apologise to them. Are we getting closer to banning all dogs from the SELLING FIELDS where they will be restricted to the car park only, I think so but I would like your opinions please. I may use your email in part of Geoff Says but I will not disclose your address, which is a promise. Thanks for the emails.
Geoff
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Having lived through several Election Campaigns I have never known one as long drawn out and thoroughly nauseatingly boring that has gone on for the past five years since the last Election and the media are covering it all in the belief that we are all interested in the tripe they talk and write. Loads of our customers are sick of it all and are past caring which the reason some of them are not going to vote at all! In short, you have bored the pants off most of the electorate you politicians and most of the time you talk a load of bowl axe.

This verbal clap trap crap has got to come to an end from these mouth almighty politicians who talk an absolute load of dreamed up tripe promising you the absolute earth and giving you absolutely sod all in return for putting your cross X in their box! As a gesture of GOODWILL to all local political parties I invited them to come to our Car Boot Sales to meet the people and to advertise their promises. Only one party took up our offer that was of course UKIP who turned up at several of our sales and from the feedback the majority of people they spoke to approved of UKIP and some of its policies particularly immigration and Europe. I met a few other UKIP members who all seemed decent people and representing their party very well. The other parties will make do with posting letters to safe addresses or so they think. The Tories would not think of ‘selling themselves at a Car Boot Sale’ and the only other person that really took advantage of our offer was Labour MP Candy Atherton years and years ago.

Lou was going through the mail the other day and there was a private letter to her personally from David Cameron no less! She immediately say’s ‘How the hell does he know my address?’ Binned in a heartbeat! Have you noticed all the Tory Blue placards hoardings and boards stuck all over the countryside in particular strapped to farmlands hedges and gates where the land rich farmers would obviously vote Conservative? Did you know these rich landowners do not pay rates? FFS! I was in Mitchell & Newquay today and several of the Blue Tory posters and placards have been defaced with the word ‘NO’ spray painted over the face of the advert and it has nothing to do with Car Boots Cornwall, we did hear that one dark night someone was going to deface the posters but it weren’t us lot, see!

I am not trying to push my opinion on you but I like Nigel Farage he is a well-respected gentleman in very high places, he is a brilliant orator and the people I spoke to have said they liked him because he say’s things that most people understand and agree with. If we came out of Europe ‘so what’ it is going to make sod all difference to us as individuals’ Think about all those millions and millions more this country pays to be in Europe FFS so all of that money is gonna be saved, now then if you start charging farmers the correct Council rates for their lands then if you put the Europe money and the farmers rates dosh into a huge pile then the rest of us can take a few days off and all have tax refunds and all go out on the piss!
Whatever happens in the election I would seriously like to see the back of Cameron because I think he is a twat out of touch with the people? He talks in absolute riddles and makes promises that time alone will tell if it’s his usual bull-shit promises, and whenever I look at the BBC Home page there is at least one picture of Cameron promoting himself and his rich people’s party, I know what he looks like FFS and do I need daily reminders of his mug shot?
The BBC who have sponsored Davie boy with their biased reporting are making absolute millions out of this bloody election selling it to the world (god, which bored country wants to buy our election results FFS) and have you noticed that wherever you go in the world BBC are always there with their news and other programmes for which they get paid fortunes! Let’s vote to cancel the TV licences FFS they make millions and they waste millions. And don’t some of these radio commentators with their phone in programmes talk utter bolax at times with their up to the minute (forgotten in the next minute) analysis of the far end of a fart! Just shut yer gobs and play the sodding music FFS!

Geoff

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3 pictures;

On Sunday it was a horrible rainy day at Truro but the sale was held inside the cattle pens so all the sellers were happy and thousands and thousands of BARGAINS were sold for bargain prices. Outside the entrance I noticed a lady puffing away on her cigarette she said ‘just getting my fix before I go into the boot sale’ I said “That is terrible and naughty, you are a beautiful young lady you don’t need cigarettes darling they can kill you” ‘I know’ she said ‘I must give it up’ which she probably says every day. Lou and I are ex-smokers and we know how difficult it is to give up cigarettes so it is all very well (and a bit two faced) if we lecture people “give it up” however there are good reasons we will give the advice.

When we used to smoke 40 cigarettes a day, everything around us stunk to high heaven of stale tobacco including yer bedroom, yer bedding, your pillows and yer sheets and yer duvets, the furniture, the family car, yer clothing in fact your whole house has this thin decoration of invisible brown smoke and worse still your breath your hands and your body stinks to high heaven but you get so used to smelling like a pub ask tray you do not realize how offensive it is for other people to encounter, the only good thing about being ‘the smoking stinkers’ was to put your family and friends off coming to visit you cos you stink FFS! It worked for me anyway! Result!!

I see people every day going for a sly fag but you have got to think of your health cos if you don’t GAF why should I or anyone else! You have but one life, be good to your heart, be good to your body, be good to your wife and be good to your girlfriends but if you abuse your lungs my lovers you will DIE and it will be a premature death like so many of our customers we have known over many years.

So after 12 years Lou is much healthier she never craves for a cigarette or a smoke at all whereas I bend the rules just a little bit by not smoking tobacco or nicotine, but enjoying the odd spliff or two or three mixed with 100% Natural Ingredients Farmers Blend fake tobacco (eBay) totally in the privacy of my shed which is outside our ‘non-smoking’ house.
So do I feel better for not smoking fags ‘Yes I do’ but it was a hell of a fight to give it up, it got so bad that I used to sly smoke everywhere lying to Lou that I had given it up until she caught me red handed having a sly fag whilst I having a shower FFS! She crept into the bathroom ripped the curtain open and frightened the sodding living daylights out of me seeing the shock of her furious Psycho face nearly killed me FFS and she were livid. I tried to ‘palm’ it off by joking ‘If you had of been here 5 minutes ago I was having a w*** as well’ It was as though I had been caught with the Crown Jules but I had them safely covered with both hands as she ranted. Not amused was she! Hilarious fun for me.

Anyway I smoked for about six months more then one day I decided today’s the day! If I don’t buy any I can’t smoke them and I never bought a packet of fags since, but in the 50s and 60s when I started smoking you could by 5 Weights cigarettes for about twenty pee and cough your bleeding heart up every puff. When I was 16 I was in hospital with a kidney infection and they put next to a really nice man in the next bed but the nurses told me he was dying of cancer. He was jaundiced as well and the day before he died he gave me six outers of Gold Flake cigarettes 60 packets of fags all for me! I had just witnessed him dying yet I smoked all of those fags without thinking about my own death, but in those days everyone smoked in the hospitals so who cared.
Don’t smoke my lovers I would sooner be talking to you-than about you?

I get great pleasure when some of the readers of my unpleasant rants come up and say how much they enjoy reading Geoff Says and my comments on life and things that I like to bitch about and they are not offended. Very occasionally someone says ‘you write a load of crap that really winds some people up Geoff’ “That my lovers is the reason I write such confrontational crap trap because it winds the odd few up’ and most of they don’t like me cos I run the Car Boot Sales my way, the proper way, for the majority not the minority but for the people and whichever party wins this sodding lengthy boring election rest assured that Car Boots Cornwall will still be doing more for the local COMMUNITY than any other organisation here in Cornwall and that is a fact of life enjoyed and appreciated by millions of people over 26 years. That speaks for itself, don’t it my bird?

Take a look at these two pictures? Any resemblances?
Geoff

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Extract from Home Page 28th April………
MABE Car Boot Sales are CANCELLED with immediate effect/PENRYN RUGBY CLUB Car Boot Sales start soon day & time to follow!

After nearly 18 year we have decided to discontinue the Car Boot Sales at Mabe due to public complaints over the years plus Car Boots Cornwall have been advised by Cornwall Public Health & Protection Department that the public should ‘not be allowed’ onto grasslands where the cattle have grazed for a period of at least 3 weeks due to the possible health risks including Ecoli…. This is the law of the lands.

We have taken the advice very seriously particularly as CBC have started to provide our own Catering at our main locations, the risk of cross contamination and Ecoli must be taken seriously!
Therefore we have negotiated with PENRYN Rugby Club to hold our Car Boot Sales at their grounds and our Car Boot business will transfer from Mabe to Penryn on Sunday 10th May 2015 at 1.30 pm ……… PENRYN Rugby Club is a registered charity and very COMMUNITY orientated.
This will be a great opportunity for Penryn Rugby Club to earn funds from our Community Car Boot Sales (in preference to paying a greedy farmer) for their Rugby Club players of all ages from the Colts to the Seniors and to improve the facilities at the grounds…. PENRYN Rugby Club is almost opposite ASDA and 2 minute walk from both ASDA and B & Q …

CAR BOOT SALE on TUESDAYS at NEWQUAY Circus Fields also on THURSDAYS both at 12.00 noon also on THURSDAY Car Boot Sale at 9.00 am at PAR MARKET St Austell Postcode PL25 3RP…..
Public admission to all of our Car Boot Sales is 50p per adult and is not negotiable. Sellers should arrive at least one hour before start times at all locations…… See Car Boot Locations on the right panel of the HOME page click onto each location for further information;
The full story about Mabe will be told in time……….. Geoff

Sellers should Q from 6.30 am. You will be shown to where you are going to sell at 7.30 am to set up your stall only (no buying-no selling-no reserving) the sale will start at 8.00 am by the sound of the horn! TRURO started the SATURDAY Car Boot Sales over 20 years ago at 8.00 am and were extremely successful!

Sellers should be aware that TRADING STANDARDS will be at all of our locations, if it’s FAKE don’t sell it, if it’s electrical make sure you have a British safety plug but whatever ENJOY!

SATURDAY at 8.00 am at TRURO be there!!

Body languages at our Car Boot Sales?

You will all appreciate that over the years Lou and I have watched multi thousands of people at our sales which most of the time is very amusing especially when they do not know they are being watched by us or our security cameras. Let’s start with the arrival of our valued buyers, some of the men really show their age as they get out of their cars, they struggle to stand up properly then have a bloody good stretch followed by certain adjustments to their ‘down below marital tackle’ area with most of the men by shuffling it all around from side to side, Ah, that’s better! Make sure you have done up your zips but don’t worry in that respect lads ‘dead birds don’t fall out of nests’
Their arrival is accompanied with a good scratch of the bum followed by the release the built up farts from their journey then let’s have a look see at what the missus is up to then it’s let’s look at the talent time and let’s find a bargain. Welcome to Car Boots Cornwall.
The real tight fisted men push the missus forward to pay his fifty pee he goes to the right she goes to the left into the crowd of sellers and buyers seeking out the bargains.

The ladies on the other hand clamour out of their cars looking every bit of their age, ‘shagged out and knackered’ was one lady’s observation when I asked her how she was. But ladies dear ladies do it all so different to the blokes by discreetly (for everyone to see) pulling their drawers about sorting out their wedgies for even better comfort dears. I hasten to add these observations have been made only on the tourists those from up-country and holiday-makers not the bum scratching Cornish my lovelies.

The dog owners who allow their dogs to crap at someone’s stall and do not make any effort to clean up the poo show bad body language as they pretend to be unaware their dog has just dumped, shat, defecated next to someone’s stall and they try to drag the dogs away and as the dragged animal tries to finish it’s pooey phooey gooey runny unfunny stinking frigging droppings. That is the height of BAD MANNERS and it happens every week. We place a bollard over the offending pile of crap till the end of the sale and the stench of the built up gases from the poo as we remove the bollard is unbelievable and our body language goes into ‘vomit mode’

Now then, the seller’s, well that’s a different story so we will start with the men who if they are accompanied by ‘the wife’ he will become the big boss who will take full control and delegate the setting up of the stall by his one member of staff ‘the wife’ whilst he opens the flask for his cuppa while ‘the wife’ slaves away. It’s true!! The reason I approve of this system is because ‘the wife’ always does a better job than ‘old bossy boots himself’ Blokes on their own setting up their stalls are dedicated to the cause and some of their stalls look good and well presented, obviously trained by a woman or ‘the wife’ meet ‘the wife’ from the kitchen?

Large Lovelies…

I love our Miss Che-Che chubby cheerful cheeky and charming mumsies sizes well over 18 to 28 plus and then some more who work tirelessly with a happy smile on their faces and with a ‘be nice to people attitude’ at they set up their stalls with plenty of amazing cleavaged boobies and ever so plump ladies builder’s bums on full view for all to see, let it all hang out pet! No wonder I enjoy my job.

Then we get our young mum’s who have got the kids off to school so it is now officially “ME TIME” ‘let’s see if I can make a few quid time’ Most of these young mums are drop dead gorgeous and well they know it! We always reckon you can see the most stunning and most beautiful women of all ages at our sales in Cornwall particularly at Newquay but that’s not every day dears because we do get the odd battle-axe on the rare occasion (almost daily) but I love em all and I am also a liar!
There were two lovely young ladies selling at Newquay 3 years ago, they set up their stall and in the hot sunshine stripped down to wearing bikinis! What a good gimmick, they nearly sold out in an hour then went to the beach. Great idea, feel free to do that at any of our Car Boot Sales. I dare you!!

It’s all down to confidence and belief in yourself and your stalls because if you are trying to sell a load of toot-crap then our customers will not buy it. Time and again I go round the boot sales at the end of the sale and I ask sellers ‘how have you done today’? If they reply ‘not very good’ then it is time to re-examine the items they are trying to sell and take full responsibility yourself for the lack of customers and not as some people claim “Oh, this car boot is no good” simply because they have not taken any money. I could take that person to loads of other stalls the same day who have taken really GOOD money.
Another nervous trend is for sellers to set up their stalls and sit in their car with the windows closed and wait for customers to arrive, it aint gonna happen, most potential buyers would and do ‘walk on’

A nervous breakdown trend is to set up your stall like some of the sellers do and they stand there holding a carrier bag with a ‘right, I’m ready, start the Q please’ attitude and waiting for the first purchaser or the big rush which again aint gonna happen. Calm your nerves ditch the carrier bag idea, the best way to do it is to stand behind your table with a well presented stall with most of your items PRICED be nice to your potential customers and if you have done it right with BARGAINS on your stall then you will take money but don’t overprice or over value what you are trying to sell that is why you take it home again and again. If the cap fits wear it!

The body languages once the sale has started with the initial rush over lots of sellers is to decide ‘let’s play a game on the mobile or call someone’ which is stupid because if you are on the phone yacking away to someone (or if you are pretending there is someone on the other end of the line) your customers will ‘walk on’ to the next stall. Other nervous sellers talk the most absolute bullshit to potential customers “it’s only been worn once” or “it’s only been used once” are the favourites. Others decide to way-lay some customers with telling them their whole life story.
The very worst habit of the lot is to smoke whilst you are selling, nothing is a bigger turn-off than you having a sly drag on a fag you slag smokers, it gets even worse if you is smoking like puffing Billy whilst selling your used bedding or the kids clothing, that’s not just nerves it’s bloody bad manners so don’t do it, please.
Buyers are great fun especially our tourists and holiday-makers but here is a word of warning Don’t ever ask anyone from Cornwall “How are you” because they will bloody well tell you and it could take bleeding ages to get away from their stall!

Not that I am calling our fellow Cornish Folk kith and kin but we can all be a trifle boring and a pain in the arse at times, can’t we dears? Generally we the Cornish people are friendly and polite and cuddly and we love and welcome all of the tourists hoping they have plenty of dosh to spend on our stalls during the season which ends more or less at the end of September but could stretch well into October subject to weather. And holidaymakers we hope you have had a wonderful time in beautiful Cornwall, don’t be late for work on Monday dears!