Today at Falmouth 50 plus sellers enjoyed decent weather as they set up their stall for the 12.30 pm start time. I noticed a man looking around the stalls and I asked “have you a stall here if not you should be in that queue until the sale starts” he says no then continues to look around the stalls to which point I asked him “which Q are you going in” I was then told “look, shut your fucking face or I will smash you to the ground” overheard by several sellers who later complained to me about the man’s conduct.

He was aggressive referring to me as Sergeant Major! No I am known as B’stard and I am happy with that analysis because I believe in fair play “Get in that Q” further threats and the idiot joins the Q only to complain to Lou about me being a Sergeant Major and in two sentences she FLOORED him the twat!
I quite like the word TWAT because if they call me one that’s fine but this blokie was a King Sized motor mouthed Twat!!
Mister Fook claims he did not hear the threats cos he didn’t have his ‘aids on’ whatever that means I would be afraid to ask but he did assure me that if ever I get threatened ‘You are on your own’ what a nice bloke!!
Posh Anne got belted across the head by a seller handing a light fitting for someone else a complete accident of course ‘but it bloody hurt’ she kept telling me “Any chance of a claim” she asks? That will be an absolute NO my lover.

Anne is lovely, she is known by thousands of people around the flea markets and Car Boot Sales and I love her to bits, if you want to know the latest news and who to ask for advice in selling “got any jewellery love” then Ann will give you honest advice. She is always at MABE on Sundays and she sells mainly CDs DVDs and there is a huge selection to choose from and if you are having difficulty in locating a special DVD or film then Anne is there to help.

Readers will remember several years ago some local radio bloke announcerette from the BBC thought he was on an absolute winner by poking his nose into something that was none of his business in the first place. He arrived at a very busy Mitchell Car Boot Sale and noted a dog in a car that according to him was stressed out and what was I going to do about it? The man Lawrence Reed, Lorry to his mates apparently does some chat crap talk show on local BBC radio show and he loves to hear his own voice so much that the only time he will give way is if someone phones in to his gobby programme to complain about something of other and its normally old farts or fartesses who want to bitch about something or other or hear themselves on radio allegedly trying to talk sense.

Back to MITCHELL on the Saturday we had over 3000 buyers and sellers including all their kids and sodding dogs (bring poo bags or else) this man comes to the car and says “there is a dog in the car park locked in a car and it seems stressed and has no air” A similar complaint about the same dog was lodged earlier and one of our team went to the car and confirmed back to me the dog was Ok and there was air into the car from open windows. I told the man I knew about the dog and he interrupts by saying “But, I am from the BBC” which to me was like a red rag to a bull with a furking great thorn up its arse! “So what” says I “What has that got to do with the dog” “But what are you going to do about it”? And from then on I refused to discuss the matter which was none of his business!

The following Monday I get an answerphone message from this bloke telling me he was going to discuss the dog on his radio programme and asking me to defend my actions over the incident, he would like me to phone in to his radio thing to discuss with him about dog who was very much alive and well therefore my attitude was that there was frig all to talk about. A reminder phone call was treated with equal contempt.

I take pride in the Community Car Boot Sales that I operate in the South West and I am totally a responsible person with over 50 years in the Entertainment & Leisure Industry, I know what I am doing so when we get to the peak season and all the kids are on holidays and the tourists flock to Cornwall in particular to Newquay where I plan for the busy period ensuring as little inconvenience is caused by our activities. So naturally we expect to be busy with both buyers and sellers at our twice weekly Community Car Boot Sales, which incidentally have been running for over 16 years. I emphasise the COMMUNITY because there is NO other activity that is more of a Community atmosphere for all concerned than Car Boot Sales, what do local Councils do to get the Community together? Sweet sod all! So on Tuesday with a good crowd of sellers and an even bigger crowd of buyers and loadsa kids there were up to 3000 people enjoying themselves in the sun and fresh Cornish air.

It is obvious that there will be a slight hold up of traffic around the Car Boot area like there is at Quantrill Downs a mile away which has nowt to do with car boot however some stupid fartesser thought “My god look at all those people and holiday makers and kids and locals and tourists enjoying themselves, I think I will phone Lorry Weed from the BEEB to tell him about the dreadful traffic hold ups caused by a Community event, let’s spoil their fun, lets complain to the BBC FFS!

Of course it was music to Lorry’s ears cos the dickhead can agree and chat endlessly with Mrs Fartess and incessantly about me and my crowds and my Car Boot Sales and I don’t give a monkeys toss because I am doing it for the good of the community STUPID!! There might be a couple of bob in it for me but essentially I enjoy drawing the crowds and they appreciate and love me, well some of them do at least, I hope? Marge is very terse with me at the moment I don’t know WTF I have done must be the change dears.

And before she complained did Mrs Fartess care to look to see just how busy the lovely HENDRA HOLIDAY PARK is (the best in the WEST) with nearly 5000 people on holiday enjoying CORNWALL or did she bother to look at the increase in businesses at MORRISONS and Lidl’s because it is holiday time you silly old nambat. Not that I heard one word the dire tripe spoken on the ‘alleged show’ but I did get three complaints (half his listening audience) to say they thought his item was targeted unfairly on such a successful well organised and brilliantly managed (by me) Community event which was a credit to Geoff and his team and of course about 3000 others!

Footnote!
I did bother to look through GOOGLE to see what if anything is written about LAWRENCE REED and I hate to be the bringer of bad news but there is absolutely (sod all) NO REFERENCE to him on the first page, eventually I find a page about him and at the top of the page it says LAST UPDATED 2009!! Ha bleeding hah!

Now then if you type in GOOGLE Geoff Camden Wiles (that’s me) the WHOLE frigging first page is about ME you knob!! It’s the COMMUNITY stupid! As my friend Nigel Farage says “Who are you” “Who are you” “Who are you” or in Cornish “Who are yer” Its the COMMUNITY stupid!
Ps; I hate the BBC

CHALLENGE!
Read this to your listeners Lorry I dare you!!

Flashback! However as a gesture of GOODWILL on ‘this MONDAY only that is the 4 (forth) of August’ any person with whatever vehicle can sell for the reduced price of £3.00 only! Tell your friends it’s like two for the price of one! Now then, as most of you know I have let Oli and his twin brother and sister Alice (the oldest by about an hour-poor mum) and Brother Henry look after Truro on Mondays and the business has been CRAP so to wind them up a tad I told them I think it is their fault, they are beginning to get an inferiority complex about it especially as I got 49 at Mitchell without really trying! This is their last chance and any less sellers than 35 (that’s 15 each) will be the reason we may have to close down, what a claim to fame!! Update on Truro was the success I expected it to be today with 30 sellers and lots of buyers who certainly spent well and organised by Oli and sister Alice. The did a brilliant job it is such a relief to at last have a team of people who are so ‘hands on’ and real team players and happy in their work and they like people!! WOW! Brother Henry took the day off so I reckon I was spot on with my 15 each challenge, now the target is 50 sellers for this coming MONDAY the 11th August at 1.30 pm selling with any sized vehicle for only £3.00 What a BARGAIN but I still bet we will get some bugger complain about something or other. As you all know we use Cornwall Conveniences who provide portable toilets at most of our locations and I regret having to bring up the subject of toilet rolls again but here is a ‘caravan owners & tourists generally’ (Cornish people wouldn’t stoop so low) warning “IF YOU DONT STOP PINCHING OUR BOG ROLLS we will put closed circuit surveillance in the BOG! My best and funniest complaint was at TRURO at the beginning of the season. A lady was in the loo seated having a pee, she looks up to see a child’s face hanging over the wall from the next cubicle and the bloody kid threw a glass of water at the woman and the woman got wet drawers and WTF am I going to do about it. I know these kids who are regular car booter’s and they get bored waiting around. The brother and sister who are really nice kids involved in this crime, when I first heard the complaint I absolutely and literally peed myself laughing, fancy having to go home with wet drawers again but Madam was not so amused. The following week I bought them an ice cream and asked their side of the story they were pleased that it had amused me so much. “Shall we do it again Geoff”? I couldn’t think of anything more amusing that to set my missus up with this stunt she would be absolutely sodding livid so I wouldn’t chance upsetting her that much, well not for the time being anyway. So my lovers imagine you are taking a pee and some brat did the same to you would you see the funny side of it or not, but then we men don’t have to sit down to have a pee, well that’s most of us dears. See my picture; EXCLUSIVE interview with the two witnesses who saw this man swinging his penis around like a helicopter………coming soon on Geoff Says featuring witnesses Marge & Rita from Cornwall…

This MONDAY ONLY you can sell (any vehicle size) for only £3.00 Sellers Q from 10.30 am all weather location. Buyers 50p admission kids are FREE up to the age of 15 Warning for tourists “Welcome, lie detectors will be used if we think your kid is over 15 I mean come on do you think we Cornish is stupid or something! I know some of you do not have calculators up country so if your kid was born in 1998 he/she is 16 therefore he pays or rather Daddy pays.
Tourists please pick up the poo! Enjoy your holidays when do you go? Did you know can you add years to your life living here in Cornwall so please don’t move here! Enjoy our Car Boot Sales and a safe journey home and wherever you travel and to those who overstay their welcome (in-laws) can I help pack your cases dears? proper job my lovers. X

MITCHELL Car boot sales on Wednesdays at 12.00 noon. Sellers should arrive at all of our Car Boot Sales at least ONE hour before start times.

Name: Poppy
Email: barneybump@.com
Subject: DOGS!!!
Telephone: 07979991
Message: Did i see a voting poll about dogs at the car boot..Can you please tick NO DOGS FOR ME!!..On your poll.please..Having had one pee all over my goods at Newquay. They annoy me bad enough when im buying , always in the way , with great long leads , which are great for tripping over !! ..Then to top it all.One pissed on my stuff when i was selling…GGGRRRRRR Really got me goat ..thank you , rant over…So whats happening with dogs in the selling fields??..x.x.x P.S….Great car boots tho..x.x.x

IP Logged As: 92.2.163.254

Dearest Poppy if anyone’s dog pisses on your stock you have the right to ask for the dogs owner to either buy the drenched and yellow stained and probably smelly item or pay for its cleaning but if the item was only 20p in the first place there is sod all the management can do FFS!
I have deleted some of your address in case some animal lovers object to your tone of voice. love you Poppy.
X

WEDNESDAY at MITCHELL a huge success! Following the stupidity experienced with Monkey Tree Car Boot Sale we moved very quickly to our regular venue for our Saturday Car Boot Sales, Mitchell and with 49 sellers for the first time and a very generous turnout of buyers who spent well the success is commendable to all concerned. One seller sold an almost brand new X Box for £250.00 to a delighted buyer and the same seller took over £400.00 on the day. Lots of decent clothes, boots and shoes especially kiddie’s clothes sold well and people crowded around a Porsche Car which offered some good electrical bargains and household products. I have every confidence these weekly WEDNESDAY CAR BOOT SALES at 12.00 noon will be very well supported especially during the School summer holidays. It will cost cars £6.00 estates & 4 x 4s £7.00 to sell and all those attending to sell this coming Wednesday will be given a £3.00 off voucher to use either the following week or at any of our locations. Thank you to all who supported our ‘first Wednesday at Mitchell’ and it was pleasing to note that 3 of the caravan owners from monkey tree turned up to sell. TRURO on Mondays has been disappointing, the main deterrent is the work that is taking place in building WAITROSE SUPERSTORE and a housing section and further Park & Ride into the City Centre. With tailbacks of cars and Lorries entering and exiting Truro via the Truro Cattle Market, the view into our selling area is alive with builder’s materials tractors diggers and heavy plant machinery from the main Newquay Road so therefore the public are difficult to convince to attend. However as a gesture of GOODWILL on ‘this MONDAY only that is the 4 (forth) of August’ any person with whatever vehicle can sell for the reduced price of £3.00 only! Tell your friends it’s like two for the price of one! Now then, as most of you know I have let Oli and his twin brother and sister Alice (the oldest by about an hour-poor mum) and Brother Henry look after Truro on Mondays and the business has been CRAP so to wind them up a tad I told them I think it is their fault, they are beginning to get an inferiority complex about it especially as I got 49 at Mitchell without really trying! This is their last chance and any less sellers than 35 (that’s 15 each) will be the reason we may have to close down, what a claim to fame!! “These 3 and their brother Ed have been without doubt the most capable of teams Lou and I have ever experienced. They have shown a complete grasp of our business in a very short time and enjoy being part of a team that provides Car Boot Sales for so many thousands and their enthusiasm in their work is commendable! PLUS they like people! They are all team players and I have every confidence that Car Boots Cornwall will be safe in their hands for the future. Really, a lovely and happy family recommended by our lovely friend Lisa-Lisa” Obviously we will charge the buyers but it shows our efforts to get more sellers giving the buyers opportunity for those BARGAINS and by the way the ‘main dealers’ are around on Mondays with money to SPEND from bulging pockets from their wheeling and dealing over the weekend! If it does not work this Monday we will close the Mondays for a short while but the GOOD NEWS is we start our SUNDAY winter season earlier than usual on SUNDAY September 7th at 1.30pm FLAMBARDS Buyers and sellers will remember we tried Car Boot Sales at FLAMBARDS a few years ago but we were not successful due to several reasons the main one being that our Car Boot was in the wrong area and not in the main part of the complex. Recently FLAMBARDS has changed hands and I have been in negotiations with the new owners for Winter Car Boot Sales. Now that SAINSBURYS are bang next door to FLAMBARDS I see an opportunity for this site to be very successful for all concerned seeing that it is a hard-standing well maintained location. I will let you know further information later. LONG ROCK! Long Rock is a seriously lovely location, you can stand in the middle of the field and see clearly St Michaels Mount. The land was used as a private Cricket Club but for many years the ground were not used. Along comes Car Boots Cornwall we put in new entrance gates cleared up the fields and started our sales on Tuesdays at 12.00 noon. Newquay also starts at 12.00 noon but they are so far apart that Long Rock should in time become a Penzance favourite. Some very regular buyers and sellers support Long Rock it is a peaceful and very friendly location and if you offer bargains to the locals and tourists they certainly will spend on your stall.

Saturday at MITCHELL 26th July 2014

It would seem the hot weather affected some of our customers last Saturday where there was 4 different complaints about the conduct of some of our customers so I will start with the first complaint towards one of our team members Alice who was collecting the rents. Car Boots Cornwall has held all prices without increases since 2010 and it was well advertised that there would be an increase at Mitchell for cars to increase to £7.00 and Estates & 4 x 4s to £8.00 so a few customers took it upon themselves to be rude to Alice about the increases which I personally authorised and advised through this column also the policy prices within our website do outline our charges, those people who find it necessary to be rude to any member of our teams should come and be rude to me or simply engage brain and if you do not agree with the £7.00 charged just quietly turn on the car engine and drive out of the field FFS.
For the record the prices up country are in the region of £10.00 and by the way at Hayle they charge £10.50 for an estate/4 x 4

Next we have some idiot who was asked to park alongside the other arriving cars and because he did not agree with where our steward wanted him to park he drove his car at our man in such a reckless fashion his registration details were taken and he was BARRED on the spot.
Whilst this incident is going on we get the usual abuse from the minority of BLUE PASS holders demanding to be in the front row and as you are all aware I am hard on some of the alleged ‘disabled’ particularly as they look for preferential treatment because they hold one of these dreaded passes.
Get out of you car and walk is my motto, get some exercise and some fresh good old Cornish Country air into your lungs and stop being a whinge bag but if you have a wheelchair because of being incapacitated then I will endeavour to get you as close to the action as possible.
However whoever you are if you arrive half an hour after our start time as buyers regretfully there is limited space ‘at the front of the sale’ it’s as simple as that!
We are all equal at our community car boots sales so anyone thinking of rocking the boat and spoiling the pleasure of countless thousands then go elsewhere, sod off!!

Now then, did you know that a recent study of Blue Pass holders 17% of those checked belonged to someone else and 12% of them had been photocopied? Tut bloody tut! And also did you know that the blue passes have absolutely no authority on private land?

The next incident briefly was that one of the dealers complained that an elderly lady seller was rude to him beggars belief as he demanded that I take his side against the lady. At this time I will not tell further apart from to apologise on behalf of all self-respecting dealers to the lady concerned with a reminder that I will not tolerate bullying of any sort towards sellers at their stalls.

Mrs Large-Large from SCOTLAND!!

The main event of the afternoon was that several people came to complain that at the top end of the field a fat woman was shouting extremely offensive language about children and threatening to hit them, several customers had asked the lady to stop the offensive language. By the time I arrived the very large very large woman with a Scottish accent was firing on all cylinders with gob fulls of hatred to those around her whilst one man was so offended that his children had been subject to hearing such filth from the woman he demanded an apology which she refused. I tried to talk to the woman to calm her down to talk quietly but she continued to open her gob and let the wind blow her tongue around and shout and holler whilst I am getting advice from all and sundry to ‘call the Police’ and from another a kind offer of a potato sack trolley to cart the silly old moo off another offering “do you want to borrow my flatbed truck Geoff”?

I asked her repeatedly to leave the field which she refused. She alone representing Scotland in Cornwall and her foul disgusting mouth resulted in complaints about the Scottish referendum indeed on of the Mr Fook-off family advised ‘give them independence we don’t fooking need them and we can send her fooking back an all’ The very, very, large and angry woman departed the scene having ruined the atmosphere that normally prevails at our sales but how else could I have handled the situation?
If I had called the Police what then? This woman was hell bent with fury, imagine them arresting her and having to wrestle her and pummel and push her into the back of their van and MacSalvors refuse to turn out!! What then?

At one stage I told her she was ‘a silly moo’ the way she was acting she then, with the loudest of gobs ever started to MOO MOO MOO and fecking MOOING towards the other sellers which really pissed them off FFS !!
Message to diary;
Not the best of days really, when I got home she had got a headache as well so I beat the dog up and went to frigging bed! Good night my lovers. X

And finally, Scotland is a beautiful country, I once owned two hotels one in Edinburgh and the other in the Highlands Garve in Rosshire.
I opened two fantastic Bingo Halls for my company in the late 60s so I got to know the Scots very well, and can they drink or what? I feel that Scotland should stay with us in the UK like Cornwall is and we should strive for Independence to run our own affairs without Westminster and without separating from this United Kingdom. I also have served my country in HM The Life Guards and got to know some great Scots Guards (I couldn’t understand WTF they were saying most of the time) but that ugly sod Adolph Alex Salmond will emphatically lose the yes vote! The last time I saw a gob like his it was being dragged out of the sea with a furking great fish hook similar to Mrs Large-Large!

Following complaints from our buyers and sellers about the indifferent welcome and accusations that our customers ‘would break into the caravans and steal the contents’ at Monkey Tree Holiday Park I have decided to move the Car Boot Sales with immediate effect to MITCHELL on WEDNESDAYS at 12.00 noon.

Basically our buyers and sellers are honest people and stealing is far from their minds however there is the odd sod who wants to ‘rock the boat’ and discredit our Community Car Boot Sales. This is the first accusation I have heard in years about our customers we are normally at peace with the world and just get on with enjoying our boot sales, however on the sinister side when the season starts is the only time we get the toilet rolls stolen from our portable loos and without making accusations nor casting nasturtiums I believe it right that is it the odd caravan occupants that do purloin the odd bog roll!! My crowd would NOT do that we are still using old newspapers.

I think I will bring back the old San Izal shiny toilet paper, do you remember it just after the war it was so shiny you would end up wiping the back of your neck and I can assure you if they stole that they would certainly bring it back. Peace and love between the Caravan Trailer Park people and my Car Boot Community. (Just don’t pick on my crowd)

Enjoy the summer holidays and here is food for thought ‘we never ever had any complaints in 3 years at HENDRA Holiday Park’ the only reason we left that location was because of the lack of parking for the droves of buyers and sellers who well supported our Market/Car Boots and in the interests of Public Safety and to prevent the hold-ups with traffic we moved on to the Circus Fields.

Anyone you recognise? 12 pictures.

About 3 years ago we started negotiations with Monkey Tree to hold Car Boot Sales at this Holiday Park and recently I was asked to run the sales which started today and has great potential however there are serious problems. We arrived to set up the sale but there was a delay to open the barrier causing a back log of our sellers in their small car park and I am told some potential sellers left the Q. It was agreed that the main Holiday Park entrance would be used as the alternative entrance was too dangerous and in the interest of public safety we agreed not to use the main road double gate entrance.

I was met by two sellers who owned a caravan on this park for 13 years and they told me that a lot of the people who have caravans on site were against the car boot being held there and that the road into the car boot was too dangerous especially as it passes lots of caravans which is not fair to the people staying in those caravans. They also told me of the fear of so many people that the Car Boot people would get into the holiday park and go around stealing from the caravans! All very fair comment however in 25 years I have only had ONE police complaint about stealing at our car boots and that is a turnaround of millions of people.

We put internal direction signs to guide our customers to the sale but it seems some buyers wanted to go drive about and have a look at the holiday park either being nosey or maybe wanting to look at their facilities to book but certainly not to look to see “which one can I steal from” This seemed to antagonise some of the residents which was hardly our fault resulting in complaints to reception. ‘No go’ areas should have been designated with barriers. Management advised me of the complaints our people were driving everywhere and that some young lads from the car boot had allegedly shouted a sexist remark to a caravan owner’s 13 year old daughter? Young lads driving around in a car ‘don’t do car boots man’

I do feel that the caravans owners who have been at Monkey Tree for many years resent the introduction of our Car Boot Sales and probably schemed to make us realize “you are not welcome here” and I am sure they are our car booter’s as well and they know how busy our car boots get and they all thought “there is NO WAY we want six or seven hundred cars coming through here every week, sod that”
Quite right my lovers and taking all into consideration and for a peaceful life for all concerned me and my crowds will just go somewhere where we are really wanted and loved and appreciated and you can all go back to the peace and tranquillity of Monkey Tree for we may never pass this way again!

Bottom line; Monkey Tree asked us to start Car Boot Sales at their location but negotiations were poor, on several occasions I called to make final arrangements but there was a lack of communications with wasted journeys.
What I object to most strongly is that our Car Boot Community are judged as thieves, the majority of the people who come to my sales are most honest clean living folks but a sad fact is that amongst all crowd gatherings there is someone lurking around to steal from you, but what I don’t understand is the mentality of someone who breaks into a caravan to steal probably the same crap as you see at our car boot sales for next to nothing prices every day.

And our Gladice told me yesterday she was offended that the Police advise anyone who had had anything stolen to look around the car boots first. I can imagine being a copper especially in a place like Camborne and being on the reception all day and listening to the tales of woe about something that was stolen, and you have got to be there all day listening to the same old crap because they had been irresponsible by not looking after their own property in the first place! I would get so pissed off with them all FFS and to get rid of them I would tell them ‘Go look around the boot sales, but you wont find your property there’!!