Hi Jeff, golden balls here,just letting you know about a find I had recently had at mabe one of your best carboots especially after queuing at Hayle in the morning at watching all the dealers inside buying before time ,it’s nice to see it done right at mabe,anyway I found this ugly oil on board paid 50p took it home done the usual checking on ebay and the Internet and found out that peter brook is very collectable with price from £500 to £15000 . So I took the oil to David lays who has put a reserve of £500 on it.Also the following week at mabe my partner paid 50p for a bangle after the gold runners had gone ,that scrapped at £70 ,so thanks for running the fairest best run carboots in cornwall with the best staff.yours sincerely golden balls.

Geoff Says, I am delighted for you so will all the other dealers be, I don’t think. You do seem to have that knack of grabbing bargains that are available to everyone else. The picture it is hideous but someone will love it. Perhaps if you get it sold for say £500.00 you could invest in a new camera and some photography lessons or did you take the picture with your baby Brownie on a hot summers night my lover!
Ps; It was me who nick-named him ‘golden balls’ and he loves his new title.
Seriously thank you for the story and let me know how well you do.
Geoff

Whatever next?

If it’s not complaints about dogs or blue passes or bloody push chairs the newest complaints are about sodding umbrellas! Today at MITCHELL we all knew we would be on a hiding to nothing because of the forecast of 40% chance of rain and I watch the clouds very carefully as 47 plucky sellers set out their stalls so I blew the horn early and minutes before the next shower arrived. As the crowd rushed in the sodding brollies were raised some were used as an extra weapon to get nearest to the bargains others to cover items being lifted (stolen) Some woman emptied her soaking wet umbrella down the back of Lou’s neck, she was not amused (I was) hilarious!! But it’s the spikes on the end of them that are so bloody dangerous and could easily howk you bleeding eyes out according to one old lady complainant and what dear Geoff are you going to do about BROLLIES?

And WTF dear old lady do you expect me to do BAN the BROLLIES FFS!! So now let’s get this right you want me to;

Ban dogs including the squitty shitty yappy crappy blasted barstid bum licking little rats on long leads with stupid affected owners at the other end of the leads FFS! (I want one)

Ban pushchairs which really mean lets ban kids as well (sounds good to me) there is nothing worse than to hear squalling little brats that are pissed off with their parents because they won’t buy the little brats something from the boot sale that costs sod all so the little horror lets the whole world know by screaming his head off and the bloody fag smoking parents could have saved us all from the bloody racket by giving the little sods exactly what they want when they want it in the first place!

Let’s ban disabled chairs and let’s ban BLUE DISABLED PASSES and yes let’s ban umbrellas!

Ok, so as most of the complainers are men so let’s ban them as well shall we?
There is a serious petition going on about DOGS ‘should they be allowed to go around the car boot lanes or not’ the voting is very close in favour of kicking them out by 50% and leaving them alone 50% For a small bribe I could fix this vote! However it is fair to say that most people couldn’t GAF!

Women only Car boot Sales yup I think I could cope with that very nicely thank you (I adore women) ishly, but who would carry everything back to the car and pay for all your purchases ladies? We are thinking of having a husband crèche for those miserable sods that keep moaning ‘where the fook is she FF sake’ and I enjoy saying “she’s having fun and enjoying herself leave her alone” then if they really get pissed off I wait for their wives to return and I tell the wife what a pain in the arse he has been complaining about you for the last 20 minutes and the wives believe my every word! Guaranteed conversation killer in the car on the way home for them.
I am so on your side ladies but if you look at their lost husbands miserable sodding faces whilst they wait for their wives, man if she’s that bad why wait?

I love dear old ladies in distress and one national treasure came to me in a very agitated state saying “I don’t suppose you have had a car key handed in I lost it 2 days ago and it would cost over £500.00 to replace” ‘Yes, I have it in my car with several others but this one I picked up myself so we will walk to the car to see if it is one you are looking for” I have known this old darling for many years and the relief on her face as I asked ‘is this the one’ “Oh I am so delighted I could kiss you” ‘Steady on darling, you know I am married man and someone might see, anyway I’ll tell you what I bet you are a super cook how about when you next bake yourself a cake you bring me a slice that would be lovely, I am sick of finding egg shell in my wife’s cakes.
My lady agrees to the deal and sure enough like a blind date she brings in not one slice but the whole cake and being the ungrateful sod I am I said “no that is far too much supposing I don’t like it”? The cake was a delicious coconut sponge and made to perfection and taste, I agreed to share ‘my cake’ with Lou to show her what I am looking for in a cake. But her curries are SUPERB! Hot stuff, well almost!

Happy wedding Anniversary darling, at least I remembered. XX GOTCHA!!

Ps; I saw the lady again at Mabe on Sunday as she was parking her car (frightening) and thanked her so much for the cake and it was delightful and Lou enjoyed it, I believe she ate more than me! My lady of whom I will call Flossie was so delighted at my compliments she said “I will make you another what sort would you like?” BINGO plan executed!!

I wonder what Marge’s cakes are like I know she often brings Dave the odd slice and he has really bucked up lately. They say that Rosie’s pasties are to die for, I certainly isn’t taking any chances with that reputation but he looks well on it!

Rumour has it that someone bought a very rare small dish at MABE recently for 20p and it has been sent to Bonham’s for auction and could go for up to £20,000 I tried to verify the rumour speaking with one of our very knowledgeable dealers and he confirmed the rumour however he added ‘The person who bought it obviously doesn’t want to broadcast his/her find for their own reasons’ “That sounds fair said I, so it was you”?

When we lived on Killiow Golf course Lou and I bought 30 chicken for a quid each from a chicken farm we took them home and their condition was pretty scary mostly without feathers probably lost in battles with the other 1000 odd fellow allegedly ‘free range’ birds. Anyway they settled in and to our surprise from day one we had eggs from all of the birds, with so many eggs we sold some at the car boots gaining quite a reputation for their taste so much that people started coming to Gardeners Cottage to buy them!
That stopped immediately selling half a dozen eggs on your own back gate and have to listen to some old fart blagging on about his life story was NOT for me!

A few months ago we bought 4 Black Maren’s and they have settled in really well. Lou actually believes she has taught them to swear “wotthefook-wotthefook” Now then, try saying it a few times to yourself several time over “wotthefook-wotthefook” and you must agree that it sounds like a fricking chicken and you will need seeing to if you carry on “wotthefook-wotthefook!
They have a healthy respect for Nana Moon she also has a healthy respect for them as she likes her ‘one a day’ egg. Last week I cut my leg on some brambles and after a shower my leg started bleeding, as a wind up Lou rolled a tiny piece of tissue and got one of her white nose plasters (which she wears in bed all night, most attractive) she then stuck the tissue and plaster on my bleeding leg.

When I went to close the chickens down for the night the bossy one we call Marge (of course) took one look at the plaster and said to herself “I am having that” and the bloody bird pecked and ripped the plaster off my leg in one go and swallowed it blood plaster hairs and tissue the lot! Down in one! Flicking chickens! I must feed them more often.

I know I go on about old farts and fartesses but out Community Car Boot Sales are sometimes the only place for them all to mix and talk and socialize in a safe friendly and happy environment where they can chat along to their hearts content boring the pants off some other old farts, but it is good for them and they love their car boots because it is quite often the highlight of the week for them. Loneliness is miles away at our Car Boots because you are never far from someone to talk to but you do get the absolute pain in the arse on the odd occasion!

There is a man of whom I believe was vaccinated with a gramophone needle and he talks and talks the most boring clap trap imaginable and he comes up to you treating you like a long lost friend (I wish!) I noticed he had forced his verbal diarrhoea conversation on the couple who run the Java Palava superb Coffee stall which incidentally has no more floor space (for TWO people) than on one of your car boot tables and, AND there is nowhere to sit.

Just imagine working with the wife in such a confined space, she is on her monthlies and has a splitting headache and the smell of coffee makes her want to vomit and its your fricking fault and every few seconds she is bumping into you. And what if her gets really teasy with him and she just wants ‘some space of my own FFS’ and at the end of day of being crammed together like coffered sardines when you get home there is NO CHANCE of any romance and a quick shag in the bath. NO! and that’s final, NO! “I have seen enough of you all fecking day” In a million years I could NOT see my Lou and me lasting an hour serving customers, my god the air would be so blue and I would not be able to calm her down, she would threaten to ‘go back to Mother’ what a good idea at last a refund on her expensive dowry?

Next week Lou and I are going to ask them if ‘we can come into your cabin’ (not sexually of course) but she is already saying ‘you’re too large’ to herself as she looks at her reflection in the mirror!
They are a lovely couple go and see them (I call them him and her) Her has a very strong personality and is a fiery young madam (just like my Lou only Lou is the older version) I love fiery woman!
Him, he is a very nice quiet gentleman and is probably a long suffering member of “I do what I am told to do if only for an easy life it is Cornwall FFS” but together like Siamese coffee makers and such the ideal couple for their visits to our sales and they are so polite to our customers. I love them both, try winding them up, it’s worth seeing plus they make the most fantastic coffee, well he does? That should start them off again! And her is drop dead lovely (from a distance dears) XX Ps; They have both been around the world as cruise entertainers and he has a wonderful voice and may even serenade you as he makes your coffee, one word of warning; don’t (repeat don’t) ask her to sing FFS!!

Anyway back to Mr Gobshite, his latest tirade is that he has only weeks to go before he leaves Cornwall and he doesn’t like Cornwall nor the people, what a loud mouth jerk-off this man is and may I say on behalf of all the decent people of Cornwall GFY and the sooner you go the better! I must get a picture of him before he fucks off (sorry Marge) perhaps you know him? Shall we arrange a farewell party?

Every time he corners me I look to see if there are any Candid Cameras around as I suffer this prick of a man and I am getting very close to kicking him in the nuts! Marge, what should I do, I believe he may be related to you darling. XX

TUESDAY! Crap day crap weather, I felt sorry for everyone today including myself, the bloody BBC cocked up their forecasts again with the local forecast saying something entirely different to the main channel forecast. Anyway at 11.00 onwards we had showers at Newquay and before the sale started lots of the sellers would not set up their stalls until I spoke with that man up there and suddenly the rains stopped and out came the SUN!

I blasted the HORN and for an hour and a half the sellers traded briskly then the dark skies started gathering above and it absolutely pissed down with everyone running to their cars as though King Kong was chasing to maul them to death, what is wrong with people its only water FFS but it was good fun sitting from the safety of my car to observe ‘the vacation’ of a Car Boot Sale. Sellers frantically piling everything back into their cars or just having a ‘sod it’ attitude ‘I will sit in the car and wait for the effing rain to stop’

One seller had her stock driven over by a lady driver which resulted in a row between the two, the seller was saying a whole box full of DVDs have been ruined. The driver looked terrified as I asked her to wait whilst I looked at the damaged stock, all I could find were two DVD boxes were smashed but the seller seemed pretty irate the matter so I gave her a FREE entry for her next visit and told the frightened driver “You can go now, no worries” and both ladies were content so went their separate ways and they were both drop dead lovely!

You should all take care not to drive over someone’s stock which happens almost every week its always the women drivers who are to blame 50% of the time. I know that some people are hopeless at displaying stock and to be fair they just ‘chuck it all out of the car’ and it lays there looking like a landfill site, but display sells my lovers!!

Here they are Mr & Mrs Large and Mr & Mrs Even- Larger the Swingers of Cornwall at their annual swingers recruitment drive.

The bloke in the blue Tee shirt nicknamed Gobby and known to his friends as ‘in need of serious attention’ called me a TWAT on Saturday and my missus thought it very funny whereas I could not understand the joke. There used to be 6 of these swingers, I think they killed the other two off!
Anyway three of them are nice and how they tolerate old super gob is beyond me!
There is a serious question here, what is a TWAT? and you will all reply “you’re one” thanks very much FFS !
Think about it or even send me pictures for all readers to see! What is a twat-you’re one!!

Should you wish to join SWINGERS of Mitchell ask for Kitty Even-Larger that’s the lady in the picture next to renta-gob, she will give you an enrolment form. Whilst you are completing the forms to join the others swingers will look after your guide dogs!

You mustn’t be rude to me

WARNING; some of the pictures may hopefully cause offence but they are all in ‘the best possible taste’ my lovers!

Most of our customers who have been coming to our Car Boot Sales since 1989 years know that I am keen to see fairness all round especially with allowing the sellers to set up their stalls in peace where no-buying no-selling rule applies. I am chuffed that other Car Boot Sales are now adopting the same system so it is reasonable to assume that all buyers have the equal chance to get a few bargains.

Two grumpy old farts made my weekend with complaints, the first one telling me about ‘some of the dealers’ and that they should be ‘barred because they get all the bargains’ Not so Mr Nosesodall, when the horn goes off ALL of the buyers have equal chances in whichever direction they walk or run to grab the BARGAINS! And for the record every person who comes to our sales is a potential “dealer” so what!

Nowadays there are thousands of wheeler dealers who come rushing in to the car boots to buy, buy, and buy some more! However most of the bargains bought today will be listed on eBay for sale before midnight. So no, we cannot contemplate ‘barring dealers’ I watch the conduct of some of the regular ‘dealers’ they are a decent bunch trying to earn a living, I never have had complaints from the sellers and the main dealers are probably our best spenders, we all need them!

Similarly, there are several gypsy communities who visit our Car Boots in 1989 when we started there were great confrontations with them, however I know most of the families and like my dealers they are a really decent bunch, ok I accept they are a bit gobby and brash but I seriously welcome them to my sales because they are such good spenders and I am certain that as most of them are now Born again Christians they do not steal at our Car Boot Sale.

Last Saturday at Mitchell one of our buyers asked how much a watch was, the price was ten pounds, the buyer said he would think about it and handed the watch back to the seller who put it back on display, the buyer goes back to the stall and says “I think I will give you the tenner for the watch” “Too late, says the seller someone has just stolen it” and I am reliably informed there were no gypsies?

If you are putting valuables on your stall FFS put them at the back of your table and pay attention FFS and be security conscious FFS!! You are not playing at shops this is for real you are selling (what is hoped) is your own property don’t let someone steal it, you are in charge of possibly 2/3 tables a space not a big as your kitchen, pay attention FFS!

My next complainant is a regular pain in the arse because over many years (he has a face like a freaking bilious attack) he is always moaning about something or other, he thinks he can come and complain to me on a weekly basis and that I will just listen and say nothing in return!
On Sunday at MABE he bit the bullet by being rude to a member of our team demanding to be parked nearer because of his BLUE BISABLED pass. He was late for the sale and was amongst 2/300 other cars with buyers all keen to get to the BARGAINS so he holds the queue up with complaining thus holding up other buyers from parking. My man stood his ground over this disgruntled old fart telling him “You either park here or you go out”
He then storms down the field aided by a ‘surplus walking stick’ to bitch to me about his plight and says “I have a BLUE disabled badge and there are spaces a lot nearer than your man has parked me, I showed him my blue pass, but he took no notice” “Sir, the BLUE disabled badges are not recognised with any authority at our Car Boot Sales, you are here in the country to get a walk and some exercise, if you were in a wheelchair that would be a different matter” He rants on about my attitude ending up with “I won’t be coming back here anymore” Brilliant decision Sir, Brilliant!

He then goes into the field walks all around the 12 lanes of sellers he buys absolutely sod all then goes home hopefully to reflect on what a miserable old fart he is becoming! But I did have the last laugh by taking a large photo of him and giving it to the children’s home to hang over the fireside, it aint pretty but it sure keeps the kids away from the fire!! Frightening!! You old misery, and people say I am rude! WALOBs!!

Do you swear at the TV? I most certainly do, I cannot stand TV it drives me to sleep, I am much happier with my PC and my music and ZELDA my golden girl, not forgetting Nana Moon (bitch of a dog) and of course my weights and the odd smoke, then the nurse arrives at 5.00am to massage my ego, then I wake up and it’s all been a wet dream!!

There will be 8 Car Boot Sales on SUNDAYS at Newquay Circus Fields starting on SUNDAY 27th July at 12.00 noon

Lots of complaints that my 078 078 078 88 number is unavailable because of reasons only known to VODAFONE themselves and we may have to wait a further 48 hours before service is resumed. This is a total load of crap and does little to enhance their reputation so if in future you are thinking “Shall I change to VODAFONE”? think twice then think again!

Car Boots Cornwall apologise for any inconvenience caused to our telephone customers on behalf of VODAFONE!!

Please note; Funeral time change to 10.30 am

Following a long illness (Chrissie) Christine Brisk aged 52 died sadly on the 20th June 2014 Chrissie was well known for her dealings with buying and selling DVDs CDs & games and in bygone days videos and cassettes, she will be sadly missed by all her ‘booter friends’

I have been asked to advise her friends at the various Car Boot locations where Chrissie was most popular at Hayle, Rosudgeon, Carn Brae, Pool Market, Par Market and Car Boots Cornwall. Funeral arrangements have been made at Truro Crematorium on 27th July at 10.30am

For all further details please contact George Allnutt at 01326 250465

Respects,

Geoff, Lou and our teams.

X

Updated; Tuesday 04.07.2014 Without apologies

Updated; Monday 03.07.2014

Tuesday at Newquay there had been early showers in all surrounding areas so we were down on buyers but up on sellers who spent well. Newquay is most definitely one of our best Car Boot Sales for getting exceptional bargains but here is a word of warning to all sellers and buyers. Over recent weeks the Police have shown interests in our Car Boots checking on stolen goods particularly outboard motors and boating equipment. It seems that any person who has something stolen and they report it to the Police the advice from them is to ‘go and have a look around the boot sales’

What a bloody cheek, we are not a haven for stolen goods we are the Community at large recycling buying and selling our own personal items and in any event if anything of value is stolen it normally leaves Cornwall and is up-country in no time at all. And as for drugs I doubt very much if they are sold at our sales although today I had a woman come up to say “there is someone over there smoking Cannabis” she was appalled when I said “lucky man, I will join him”

Next complaint was of course about 3 dogs who had crapped in the lanes and the complaint was legitimate as we covered the shit with bollards. I now want you to decide “SHOULD DOGS BE BANNED AT OUR CAR BOOT SALES” and sign one of our petition forms or better still tell me in two or three words YES ban the or NO don’t ban them!! The decision is yours. I picked up the bollards at the end loaded them into my car, on the way home the fumes from three different dogs shits released themselves in my ferking car and the stench was furk-ugly! What the hell do these tourist feed their freaking dogs for Christ’s sake?

For the benefit of our lovely holiday-makers and tourists and dog owners WELCOME but keep your freaking dogs under control. Unlike up-country here in Cornwall we use doggy poo bags not some poor buggers shoes FFS!!
Another tradition we have dear Emmits is our Car Boot Sales start on time with a 5 minute lee-way (rent boy) and when they start there are hundreds of people queueing for the start of the sale!

Unlike up county in Cornwall our sellers pay for their stalls and in a civilised way they set up their stalls. There is no buying no-selling until the horn goes off!

In Cornwall loads of our buyers rush and run in to the Car Boot Sale to try to ‘grab a bargain’ Please do not refer to them as VULTURES!

Under the rights of the St Pirran flag everyone attending our Car Boot Sales gets excited at the start of the sale getting their adrenaline flowing (better than a climax really)

My horn goes off to start the sale and they are off their attitude “lets go and BUY, BUY, BUY!” Some of them panic buy judging from some of the toot I have seen people carry away, god help Cornwall!

By the way some know-all woman (not a local) told me that I should stop sellers going early.

Respectfully, here in Cornwall we do not operate a system where we can enforce sellers to stay longer (lets lock them in) they have paid their rent they can please their bloody selves wot time they wanna go, we don’t care we got their rent who gives a shit (definitely the wrong attitude Geffers)

Chances are they are going home to spend the money they took before you arrived late Madam so my advice to you is arrive earlier “here in Cornwall “my” Car Boot Sales are like sex, all over within a couple of hours” My lovers!!

That’s why all the Cornish husbands always look so shagged out my bird. Here in Cornwall we all love honour and obey our wives, hold on that’s a load of bollox innit? Welcome to Cornwall and if you like this tell me and if you don’t I don’t GAF my lovers!

Back to local news and gossip, I am getting loads of complaints from our regulars who go to HAYLE Car Boot Sales on Sundays. It seems they have adopted our system of letting the sellers set up whilst the buyers have paid their entrance fee and are queueing at the entrance to the Car Boot waiting for the sale to start.

What seriously pisses off those buyers is that they can see the sellers selling items between themselves and there is no one to control and stop this very unfair trading. The buyers have the rights for this practice to stop immediately. Come on Hayle Rugby Club Committee if you want it running properly “I am the man” god that would upset a few at the Car Boot gossip capital of the South West, my mate Jim would have a wobbler! You WOT?

And, while I am ‘having a go’ can the parking staff at ALL Car Boot Sales in the South West please be less sodding rude and grumpy old sods and aggressive towards some of the worst drivers in the Car Boot world! MEN!!

I adore women they are all so respectful as they drive towards me obeying my every command as to where to park to sell and they are all drop dead gorgeous, well most of them well maybe perhaps a few them, must get my eyes tested I could be totally wrong all together my lovers.
X
Ps; I have taken out a couple of swear words at the request of Rosie on behalf of Marge for me to cut out the swearing in these blogs, seriously they are meant to offend so if they do I do not apologise, I don’t GAF man! And, if you think I swear a lot we are still reeling from my mother in law on their last visit when she sold at Newquay!! The language was so we had to move several sellers to a quieter spot! Rosie who never ever swears (you little liar) only at her old man the long suffering Gordon FFS! I thought all GORDON’S were long suffering especially my poor long suffering Professor father in law.