Hi Geoff and Louise,

Thank you so much for replying, some people wouldn’t! So I am extremely appreciative of that itself.

He truly was an amazing man, and I know he loved his carboots, every time I visited him, he was always so excited to show me his latest bargains! His face would light up.

It’s a shame about the original, but thanks for attaching the one off the site, as all I could do was print screen it.

We haven’t managed to arrange a funeral as yet, but you are more than welcome to it, I could send you details when there are any. That’s entirely up to you.

I will most definitely pass on your love and best wishes to his son and the rest of the family.

Thanks again.

Warmest regards,
Josie Quinn

— Original Message —

From: “Geoff Camden-Wiles”
Sent: 3 February 2014 14:09
To: “”
Cc:
Subject: Your father in law;

Hello Josie,

Louise and myself were shocked to read that your father in law has died, the last time we saw him pre-Christmas he was in the goodness of health. He absolutely loved the Car Boot Sales in particular at Truro when we used to have a chat together and I used to enjoy winding him up because he had such a good sense of humour.

Regarding his picture, once I have added the script and the pictures I do not keep the originals so all I can offer you is to take the picture from the Geoff Says item however it is much reduced in size from the original.

I am sorry I cannot be much more help however we would appreciate you telling your family how sorry we are at your sad loss, we will certainly miss him, he always acted a thorough Gentleman.

Kindest regards,

Geoff & Louise Camden Wiles

AUSTRALIA WINS THE ASHES. SO WHAT!!
Newspaper report January 2014

This man became internet sensation overnight after he was found naked, stuck in a top-loader washing machine. And now the biggest question of all has finally been answered – what on earth was he doing? Laurence Thorne the man in question, said he wasn’t hiding from his girlfriend, as previously reported, but he just “decided to have a bit of sneaky fun while in the nude”. What started as a seemingly harmless experiment and practical joke, ended with a collaborative rescue by police, fire fighters, and paramedics, Tatura SES and Shepparton Search and Rescue Squad? It was initially reported that the man from Mooroopna in country Victoria was aiming to surprise his girlfriend with his clever choice of hiding spot when he became firmly wedged.

Geoff Says picks up the story;

This could only happen in Australia just after whitewashing us in the Cricket by 5 nil they win the Ashes their country is so full of pride with itself and the jokes are all against us tossers in the UK when suddenly the whole world couldn’t GAF as the NEWS HEADLINES are taken over across the WORLD about this complete nutter who really pisses on the fireworks of the Aussies celebrations! Enter Lawrence who grabs all the International headlines and publicity and TV stations so the whole world forgets and couldn’t GAF about the Ashes result!

Now then, just imagine this Laurence blokie is alone in the house, his girlfriend is at work and he suddenly decides ‘I know, I will strip off and get inside the washing machine and play hide and seek till she comes home just for a laugh’ Baloney!! He was carrying out a sexual fantasy and got caught by his own stupidity; I mean you couldn’t put a child into one of those top loaders let alone a man of 12 stone plus and six feet bloody tall. From my recollection of those top loaders the agitator of the clothes is right in the middle of the loader? So he climbs on to the top of the machine naked, he stands up and with legs astride he climbs in the washer with the intention of sitting down and he squats! What happens next I can only imagine, but I reckon he turns the motor on which vibrates that fast he slips and skids forward into the machine trapping him by the knees and god knows what happened to the agitator or his googlies! His story goes worldwide and the Ashes story is completely forgotten! Hah!! By coincidence he still has his mobile phone and he tries to free himself but he is jammed in tight. Get this; he doesn’t want to tell his real girlfriend about his entrapment but gets another girl to ring his Mum & Dad to say “Laurence is trapped inside his washing machine can you go straight away to his place and take the angle grinder to cut the machine in two to release him and its very urgent. Oh and by the way he is naked”
He is WHAT!!

Now then, in the 1960/70s when these top loading washing machines were all the rage in no time almost every Council household had a ‘top loader’ and Cornwall was no exception with over 500 delivered to Old Hill alone and if you ask Mother or yer Granny about them they will tell you how noisy they were but they did have fantastic vibrations especially when they were spinning your washing around at top speed! Some of these machines were so noisy they would bang and dance all around your bloody kitchen or scullery floor totally out of control so women had to hold them tight against the wall until the spinning stopped but the smile on some of their faces said it all, and Lo and Behold it was all very climatic and Lo and behold the household VIBRATOR was born and never has the washing been so clean before during or since that period. At the same time same time men became absolutely of no use to the sexual desires of the wife of the house’ because in those days after their discovery they were too bloody knackered from keeping the washing clean!

If you were really on ‘her indoors’ team there could be fun and frolics as you ‘vibrate your bollicks’ in the scullery till well after midnight providing you offered to do the ironing the following day and you had enough bleeding half crowns to feed the bloody electric meter.
So let the fun begin! Firstly you have got to lift her on to the closed top loader then turn it on to rapid spin-a-rinse (30 mph) the top loader will suddenly start vibrating like shit so you grab a tight hold on to each other now you are off! The louder you scream the faster we go!! One word of warning lads don’t stand too close to the vibrating washer, you could do your Henry Halls some real damage bouncing up and down, been there-done-that!!
At the end of the third time of rapid rotating twenty minutes or so later she will be a shaking quivering nervous climatic wreck so be patient as you lift her off pull up her drawers then you do up your own fly buttons then push the top loader back against the wall ready for the next time, end of! Been there done that!! The good old 60s 70s etc. etc.

Ask yourself this ‘have I ever sat on a vibrating washing machine on full speed and not enjoyed it’? Of course you have! I certainly have! And if you haven’t you is either telling lies or lead a sheltered life. Ask yer Granny about ‘wot used to happen in them there old days with those there top loaders’ and if she doesn’t remember or she is acting too deef and pretends not to understand the question then you can accuse her of definite senile dementia because they were all ‘at it’ in those days!
I knew of an old granny who sat on top of her top loader turned it on and she had such a thrill she broke both upper and lower false teeth as the machine got into its final 5 spin of millions of revolutions per minute vibrating the old darling and with a smile showing utter contentment on her face they carried her off farting like the clappers to the back of beyond! Never saw her again?

Now then, this is absolutely true (would I lie) it is the men who have ‘fessed up’ and admit to rumpy pumpies in the cold sculleries of bygone days (you ask Le-Roy & Gajl for instance) in those days you didn’t have these bloody mobiles and hundreds of TV channels to distract you from the erotic fun in your own scullery and having a good old fashioned shag with you and your missus or someone else’s. There used to be “Good Vibrations” parties in the sculleries or the utility room some even kept them in the larder and everyone brought their Polaroid Cameras to record the actions and someone brought their record players and records, you ask Marge & Betty & Vera & Lady Lynn and Rita and Rosie and Julia (the women use to bring the drinks and food in them there days?
And when you ask them they will all reply “Oh no, I don’t know anything about that” and they will be telling Nigella porkie pies my lovers! Especially Marge, I have pictures?

Because of my alleged bad back I have tried time and time again to get my missus to ‘go get a top loader’ which would mean pulling it away from the wall to operate for old times’ sake, and then what? She flatly refuses.

Anyway, Lou did a house clearance in Falmouth recently so I offered to help, the house belonged to a lady of over 88 and her entire life’s collection of all the bargains she had bought from Car Boot Sales and charity shops over many years although is was mainly rubbish it absolutely filled every room floor to ceiling in this 3 bed roomed house. I was dealing with thousands and thousands more of Kodak photographs and Polaroid’s and of course there was a little old porn section right here in Cornwall my lovers, I won’t go into too much detail suffice it to say there were pictures taken with their Baby Brownie of Milady and her man having a right old session on their top loader. Lou had to empty the entire house for the agents and dispose of absolutely everything including the top loader and yes it still worked and yes was well maintained and yes the spinning action did work and yes it was in wonderful condition and yes it was one of those that shook so violently it would dance around the room!! Brilliant said Marge “Just what I have been looking for, I will buy it!!
I discreetly put all of the pictures into the skips declaring the end of what I believe had been a fantastic life for our 88 year old; despite all her hoarding skills the house oozed a happy atmosphere. She were a love my lovers. X
Back to the story; Mum & Dad arrive at Laurence Thorne’s house, they walk into the kitchen gob smacked to see their ‘silly arsed’ 26 year old adult son sitting naked and trapped inside his washing machine and realised they could not free him so Dad suggests ‘let’s call out the Emergency Services shall we! In all honesty had I been this stupid I could not face the WORLD let alone the Emergency Services I would have sent Mum & Dad for a Cyanide pill, but no this man he has the balls (also trapped) to just to just sit inside the washing machine and wait (what else could he do?) but just wait and wait for the Emergency teams to arrive! I bet he felt a complete Knob and a bit of a prick or had they gone numb?
Dad calls the Emergency Services and tells the story “My son is trapped in his washing machine naked and he is 26 years old” He is WHAT? The Police, Fire and Paramedics arrive bells and sirens blaring so Lawrence La-Twat sits quietly in his very very own washing machine and tells them his story “Well, I was playing hide and seek to surprise my girlfriend” Balls, Geoff Says! However after 20 minutes of pushing pulling and prodding which put a sickly grin on Lawrence’s face (pervert) he is still trapped despite bottles of olive oil and conditioner being poured into his predicament so he suggests “Why not tip the machine onto its side” which they did letting the machine crash on the floor and like a typical washing machine birth out he plops with this gunge all over his body and in his full nude and bruised state for his mummy and daddy and all of the Emergency teams to see and laugh their pigging heads off! What a WANKER! Typical Australian!!
But, just imagine your own partner doing exactly the same, you come home, you have had a hard day he calls you and there is your man or your lady acting like a twat sitting naked trapped in the top loader, WTF would you do? My missus would cover me with soap flakes empty a bottle of frigging Lenor all over me and shove a figging great carrot in my gob then turn on the frigging washer and bugger off. But if I went home and she was sitting in the washing machine I would most certainly (definitely) take advantage in some way or other my lovers! Try me!
Like a panty liner I must ‘press on’ as I have to do me ironing.

Loves,
Geoff

On Wednesday Lou looked at the weather forecast for Thursday on the BBC and rain was most definitely over the South West during the times of the Car Boot Sale at PAR ! Taking into consideration that as a gesture of goodwill we allowed the sale to go ahead last week with only 7 sellers which to those with an intelligent mind could work out would represent a financial loss to ourselves and our Landlords.
After announcing the cancellation due to the forecast of rain we received only 2 complaints from Deidre & Felicity that we had made the wrong decision yet neither of the complainants were amongst the 7 sellers of the previous week ?
If the forecast changes then so be it but time and time again I have run Car Boot Sales in dreadful weather conditions making it FREE to sellers and FREE to buyers totally as a gesture of GOODWILL from CARBOOTSCORNWALL to our public and yet no-one comes up to say “THANKYOU”

The complainants should engage ‘brain before complain’ and realize the costs involved in running any of our sales. There are costs of fuel and staffing and a loss of revenue and rents to ourselves and our Landlords.
If however todays event was an indoor event it would most definitely have gone ahead and for the record it is now Thursday at 6.00 am and its pigging mizzling & drizzling in Mabe & Falmouth.
Sunday however WILL go ahead at TRURO and it will probably be indoors and it will NOT NOT NOT be FREE!!
Ps; And stop complaining that I have not put anything of Geoff Says I have been away and had a lovely holiday trouble is I had to bring her indoors back with me! I promise to add more on Friday but I have been pretty stressed out with my in-laws staying who left yesterday but refused to take her indoors with them. To say I have missed all you would be an overstatement so I wont bother my lovers!

Geoff

x

We love to keep in touch with the news from back home whilst we are away and trust us to miss all the juicy gossip, so I will start with Ken Roach off the Street with the charges against him for all sorts of sexual activities.
During my Bingo days with the Star Group of Companies to promote our bingo halls we used to employ celebrities from TV shows who would come to the Bingo as a personal appearance, in this respect most of the famous people from Corry including Ena Sharple, Elsie Tanner, Dennis Tanner, Len Fairclough and Ken Barlow. Elsie was without doubt Coronation Streets most favourite personal appearance with Dennis Tenners as runner up. (6th February update; Ken Barlow cleared of charges so the 6 women were apparently imagining any involvement of knowing the man?)

I hear that Mr Ego Trip himself was most upset that he did not receive a Knighthood and be able to call himself Sir David Beckham when the Queen did her New Years Honours list. Why the hell should he get a bloody Knighthood what exactly has he done for the sport Football for England that has made him a millionaire several times over? Even Sir Alex Ferguson said Beckham ‘could have been Man Uniteds best player’ but he wasn’t because he could not make that extra effort for his club and we all remember of course when England were doing well in the world Cup when Beckham kicked out at one of the opposing players, Beckham was sent off and so England came home early but they could have could have progressed further if it had not been for his stupidity and unsportsmanlike behaviour,the twat! Him an actor,the best he can act is insincerity!! And what about Mrs B ‘is she up herself or wot’?

When I was General Manager of Pontins at Brean Sands in Somerset the Car Group Swan National booked the entire Holiday Centre in a show of appreciation for all of their staff for record business levels during the previous years. About 1000 were in attendance and Dave Lee Travis was booked by Swan as the DJ He complained about the accommodation and to put it mildy he became very arrogant with me because he had been given the best accommodation there was and in any event he was getting a massive fee plus the accommodation was FREE so like it or lump it! Swan had given me hundreds of discount vouchers which were specifically for distribution to their staff to spend in the Pontins shops anf Kiosks. when Travers heard about the discount vouchers he came into the Supermarket demanding that I gave him some of the vouchers ‘or better still give me a few packets of cigarettes and no-one will know’ Now then, I am extemely loyal to whoever is ‘footing the bill’ and I admired the gesture of SWAN to give their staff these discount vouchers so when I refused him he became very arrogant enough to demand from Louise and other members of staff some packets of fags to which they refused. Back he came to me, we had a row and I told him he would not under any circumstances have any of the discount vouchers! Amen! During his DJ stint he made several asides about Pontins and myself, I thought he was acting like a total ‘dick-head’ and told him so! However I believe from comment made to me that he was over familiar with some of the girls who went to the stage to ask for certain records to be played so it has come as no surprise to see he is in Court on similar charges to Ken Barlow and Rolf Harris and believe it of not I also worked with Jimmy Saville at Butlins in 1966 and I though he was a total Pratt but it is fair to say that in the 60s & 70s and early 80s girls did throw themselves at the Radio DJs. I had a great time in the 60s but that’s another X rated story!! I dont suffer fools gladly but we will await to see what exactly the British legal system will have in store for the above mentioned alleged celebrities.
Update; DLT. Not Guilty say the jury so that must mean another 12 ladies must have imagined assault, no smoke without fire?

And finally, we arrive on our first days holiday and I am always aware to “be careful of the Mosquitoes” because the little bastards love to drink British blood and they have certainly had their share from me! Lou and I had been for a walk and when we got back she asked “What have you done to your eye” I had remembered brushing something off the side off my face but one of these mossies had bitten me just below my right eye and it was starting to effing hurt and swell up something daft! I know I have got bags under my eyes from nearly 30 years of her indoors but the swelling was beginning to shape up like a pelican bill wobbling around on my face. I was hideous to look at (no change there) but the little bastard had missed my eye by about two millimetres. In the morning after almost no sleep I took a look in the mirror and was flabberghasted at the amazing swelling, I was beginning to look like Elephant Man so I asked Lou to burst the swelling but she refused ‘too scared’

Ok then I will do it myself and with a close up to the mirror I took a hot needle and gently but painfully prodded the swelling when suddenly it burst all over the mirror and this horrible yellowie gunge stuff bit like carton custard (nealy a bath full) rolled down my cheeks almost spilling into my gob, YUK figging YUK!!
Within two days the swelling had subsided but it was impossible to be seen in public because of peoples reactions so she hid me out of sight under this garden umbrella, out of sight out of mind until I didn’t look so hideous, her words not mine! Frigging Mosquitoes!! Little shite’s!!
Anyway I had been taking anti histamines before we left the UK but Lou said she wouldn’t bother and how she paid the price, I woke up one morning took one look at her without my glasses on and I thought “bloody hell have I been drinking or has she grown 7 new nipples”?

Apologies from myself for the lateness in any news I have just been linked up to the Internet. Our first week was a complete disaster so we have moved to an apartment where we are the only people staying in this area and it is peace perfect peace!
When I booked the holiday I spoke to the owner of the apartments and he absolutely assured me we would have complete privacy and our stay would be totally peaceful for the two weeks. What he did not tell me was that a French wedding had been booked and that 21 of the wedding guests plus their screaming little french kiddies were here to celebrate the wedding and why not?

Trouble was that Lou and me were the only Brits here. The noise was deafening mainly with screaming brats enjoying the pool when we arrived so I immediately told the resort manager we would only stay one week and we would find somewhere quieter.

The apartments reminded me of Butlins from the 60s where the chalet walls were so thin you could hear absolutely everything that was going on next door (especially if you held a glass against the wall) from all sides of each chalet so it was Butlins revisited again. My Lou slept through it all especially when visitations to the toilets from all the neighbouring apartment with every bugger flushing the bloody chains through the night keeping me well away from my beauty sleep.

But the apartment directly above our place from about 8.00 oclock at night for about an hour they were shuffling furniture and a futon around from one side of the room to the other causing the whole bloody building to shake. Eventually I would get some sleep well after midnight only to be awoken by Mr & Mrs Upstairs grunting and groaning having a 5.00am quick shag whilst the others in the apartment and their froggy kids slept through the excitement time. I woke her indoors up and said ‘listen to them up there what a racket’ as their bed was clanging and banging against the wall as they endeavoured to reach orgasmatism (lucky froggies) She listened for no more than 20 seconds said “Disgusting” and promptly fell back to sleep! ‘There is nothing wrong with having a five o’clock shag darling’ fell on deaf ears!

More tomorrow!

Lovely weather you are all having, it is boiling here but to christen my arrival I got the biggest Mosquito bite I have ever had! Guess where?

XX

We all know the reputation of Nigella Lawson with her cooking and brilliant successful TV career also record sales of her cook-books and now a brand new TV series. Nigella is a self made woman but I have never been entirely happy with her the way she sexily sidles up to the camera boobs all a plenty and almost making out with you as well as describing how to put on weight with her cooking. She has such a TV personality that long ago I came to the conclusion “that woman is such a show-woman that she has got to be on something and it’s a bit more than the dreaded weed” I also reckon she so loves having her face in the public eye all the time that she was caught ‘well off guard’ and came seriously unstuck with telling white lies in court about her white stuff habit. After all it wasn’t her who was on trial, or was it?
I can imagine the local dealers of the ’white stuff’ delivering quantities of Cocaine equal to bags of flour so no-one would be suspicious plus cannabis by the bucket loads! When you have got the sort of money our Nigella has then sod-it-spend-it and whose business is it anyway WTF she does with her own money in the privacy of her own home and with her cannabis smoking offspring!

By the way, I am not condoning cocaine of which I know nowt, never been there, never wanted to, couldn’t afford to anyway, but if we are talking about Cannabis then I have been to the promised lands and plantations in the Cannabis world of the spliff in the heart of the Caribbean my lovers but that’s another story. Get this my lovers, you stand in the middle of hundreds of the cannabis plants, you breathe in wonderful mountain bush air and the growing weed, you take a few breaths, you take a few more and then the world becomes a better place, you are totally relaxed the air smells wonderful, your pains disappear and in no time you are sitting up in the clouds!! And then you wake up and it’s all been a dream! My darling wife was offered a ‘spliff’ years ago her only one, she lit up as a complete novice and in a matter of a few puffs she collapsed into the sand in a heap and didn’t feel a bloody thing, she even told me I was adorable, well I think she meant me her eyes were both looking in two different directions? I believe they call it being stoned! Never again has she either smoked nor called me adorable, I don’t have to be told, I know it anyway, you ask Marge?

Any way back to Nigella; in 2001 her loving husband John Diamond died a much publicised death of cancer which was widely reported throughout the media. She was allegedly heartbroken but get this; the day after her husband’s funeral she introduced SAATCHI as the new man in her life! That takes balls. !! Those Grillo sisters were GOB-SMACKED!
Now then, that sort of action from Nigella shows an indecent haste and a complete disregard disrespect and callousness to her ex-husband, their children and to all who had comforted him in his dying days.
So without hearing a word of evidence in the trial of the Grillo girls I personally pronounced and even had a £5.00 bet with my Lou that the Grillo sisters would win their case against Nigella and Saatchi. My reasoning was that the perhaps scheming Grillo sisters absolutely had hold of our Nigella by her ‘short and curlies’ by knowing all about her ‘little druggy problems’ get out of that darling!! You are going to lose you case and you are going to be humiliated by telling little ‘white lies’ (white lines more like) you will blame the British press for their biased coverage of the salient facts about you and Saatchi doing your dirty washing in public but you will come out of it smelling like a bucket of Roses cos you are a middle class female and very rich and very famous and probably a size 16/18 (even larger in your Tory blue frock) that’s because your cookbook recipes they piles on the weight my bird!

Now then, I also believe Saatchi did know about our Nigella’s drug habit but he did not realize just how much of the ‘white stuff’ she snorted, that’s why he was looking up her nose. I mean it’s not the norm to be out with your missus sitting outside of some posh restaurant then suddenly grabbing her nose and upturn it for no reason other than to clear and howk the dry powder away and then in the next move you try to strangle her for Christ’s sake! You just can’t do that at restaurants; get it done before you leave home. I reckon if I tried to upturn my Lou’s nose she would have well kicked me straight in the nuts! Ouch!!
Was that the moment when dear old Mr Saatchi decided “That’s it, I want out”

The lesson to be learned here is this; Nigella is middle to upper class and she will have gotten away without any Police action especially when our knob-head Prime Minister, a wonderful judge of characters, declared “I’m on team Nigella” So why didn’t the Police ’speed’ to Downing Street and raid numbers ten and eleven? I bet you a pound to a pinch of snuff they would have found something there!! I mean he talks that much crap telling lies all the time and he loves to hear his own voice so much so that he has also got to be on something!?? Imagine the headlines; “PM on SPLIFFS” Send the bugger down for being the complete pain in the arse and give him solitary! And that bleeding Chancellor of number 11 telling the whole of the Country we need another 25 Billion more cuts which is obviously going to hit the younger generations, so why the hell should they pay for mistakes made before they were born?
But the lower classes the wheeler dealers known as the ‘small fry’ of the white stuff mostly cannot find jobs but will get caught persecuted, prosecuted and probably imprisoned for ‘just trying to earn a few quid’ wasting millions of the tax payers money whilst Nigella doesn’t even get a caution from the evidence given to the court, not only that she gets a brand new TV series from Channel Four who claim they set high examples with their programming WALOBs!
It is ‘high’ time all drugs were legalized and Government controlled and tax them at 50% with all other tax including VAT abolished then we could all keep our own hard earnings. If UKIP put that into their manifesto they have got my vote!
Just imagine getting rid of all those bossy barst’s security checks at the Airports searching for weed in your a suitcases, those blokes are so up themselves, let’s put them on more sensible tasks like keeping a proper check on just who and how many thousands of Rumanians, Invadians and others from all parts of Europe are going to come flooding in to our green and pleasant land in the next few months and years to come. Please not Cornwall; there isn’t enough housing or jobs for our current population and I not being racist just a realist my lovers.
Bottom line; I think Nigella earned herself an OSCAR for her over acted court appearance; the Grillo sisters got their NOT GUILTY just deserts so did Nigella, all homemade.

Her future is absolutely assured but she will have to tread careful with the next love in her life, I reckon she might well fall in love with a woman as she believes that ‘all woman have it within them to fall in love with someone of the same sex’ So do I, so do I for I know of a stunningly beautiful young lady who works in our local Sainsbury’s who would dearly love to love Nigella for life! Wow! Can I come and take the pictures please?
Do I still love Nigella? Nope, never did-never will, but I must admit “That woman has got balls” My type is that Mary Berry woman off the BBC she aint pretty but she is a good cook intelligent and nearly attractive (without my glasses) and that Paul Hollybloke says she can’t keep her hands off him in the studio and rumour has it that ‘she goes’ like one of her home baked ‘rabbit’ pie!!
The nearer the bone the sweeter the meat my birds! Imagine that lads, being caught by the Missus having rumpy-pumpy with Auntie Mary? Granny grabbing no less!

Food note; My Lou cooked a recipe from Nigella’s Book and made the meal that allegedly was the same ingredients like the book, god it was some awful (no change there) but that often happens in my household so I cannot blame Nigella. I am NOT allowed in the kitchen (only to wash up and clear up after the mess she makes) so it can’t be my fault either. I used to love the good old days before these bloody dish washing machines when we all got around the sink to wash or dry up! Those dishwashers have ruined the art of any conversation in the kitchen when everyone used to just join in to do the washing up and on Christmas Day you could guarantee there would be either be broken dishes or a punch up or a bloody good row in the kitchen. Best of all is just the two you volunteer to do the job then you can both have a moan on about the crap Christmas meal you just had whilst everyone ‘in the other room’ will probably be calling you worse than muck and you won’t hear a pigging word of it! People are not like that in Cornwall are they? Oh yes they bloody are my lovers! Oh Yes!!

But at least if I take over as kitchen porter to Madame Lou then the job will be done properly ~ anyway back to that meal she cooked which looked as though it wanted to throw itself into the bin she first tries to feed it to the dog Nana Moon who pretended dead then she asks me ‘shall I put it out for the birds’ I said “WTF have the birds done to deserve that” but I watched adoringly as she put the dreaded food onto the bird table.

And lo and behold the birds did arrive from out of the skies for their ‘last supper’ and they did start eating and eating heartily to the delight of Lou, but the poor little buggers tried really hard to take off but couldn’t, and they did hang around for many hours but eventually took off back to the skies and to their nests and guess what? I haven’t seen them since!! The food in my house is a so bad that when Lou sets the mice traps the mice bring their own cheese! No wonder I am always at the doctors!!

The forecast was sun and showers for the South West so it was down to Lou and me to put the signs out and run the boot sale just the two of us, the turnout of sellers was poor with only 24 deciding to brave whatever weather with showers due at any time I was surprised that they decided to sell outside. With puddles galore to deal with we were delighted that the buyers turned out in force to support the sale. We decided that as the buyers had made such a great effort of support knowing the promised rains that we would not charge them the 50p admission (goodwill) About 200 cars with a total of up to 500 people on site the sale started in the sunshine, the buyers came to spend and they certainly did and sellers delighted with their takings.

I watched as most of the buyers carried out their purchases in carrier bags galore many of the items bought to sell on eBay and probably listed before midnight today. I also watched in Truro and Falmouth shopping centres during this week of the early January Sales, lots of people about but not a lot of carrier bags which is a worrying sign! I predict 2014 is going to be a very difficult year for the High Streets and that buyers will turn to our Car Boot Sales as a reliable source to buy second hand household goods and clothing! Within one and a half hours the promised showers arrived and by 3.20 pm the Cattle Market was deserted with our Community event completed.
But the gossip was all worth it; Marge was full of happiness apparently on a promise for tonight with her beloved Richard (Dicky) you know for his age he is very active, keep it up son, keep it up which is another of Marge’s hopes my lovers.

I was really pissed off for one of our ladies who has been dedicated to fostering children for many years and up to recently all of her foster kids have been good to deal with, however she has recently taken on a 13 year old lad who swears punches and kicks her and is not a great pleasure to have ‘living in your home’ I know foster kids have had a rough time in life but when someone takes a foster kid into their homes and this type of abuse happens despite all efforts to try to understand the kids problems. I would personally draw a line especially if he lashes out and kicks the foster parents actually bruising them with his violence. I also was a foster kid during the war years, how times have changed in my day it was the foster parents who were the violent ones and sod all was done about them!!

Our Rosie was so looking forward to her few days in the Highlands of Scotland where she had booked a ‘naughty Christmas’ few days with Gordon her man in waiting and how he waited! I am not sure if she was under the influence but on day two our Rosie tripped on a protruding slab at the hotel crashing down to the ground with a thud that was heard for many miles. Staff rushed from the hotel to help our Rosie and an ambulance was called so Rosie was taken to Inverness Hospital where it was discovered she had severe bruising but had not broken anything apart from the backs of the ambulance men. She is such a love but the disappointment on Gordon’s face was priceless. I joked with him ‘Bet that spoilt you naughty few days Gordon my lover” Without a chance to answer Rosie says “You must be joking with all the bruising I have got it will be months before we get around to any of that sort of stuff” Poor, poor Gordon, you will have to take yourself in hand my son until she gets better it could be months and MONTHS my bird! I believe Rosie will claim from the hotel for the protruding slab and the hotel will counter sue for the damage she caused to the slab!

Today was special despite the rains, there were really nice people about and a very friendly atmosphere prevailed, I believe loads of our regular buyers come along for the sociability of the occasion, to get some exercise fresh air and perhaps the odd bargain but to meet up with friends and families and have a good old chin chat! There is no other activity that I can think of that provides the facilities for this type of atmosphere created by our Car Boot Communities at all of our locations.
But for me it was a special day as Lou and I dealt with the setting up of the Car Boot putting out the directional signs and meeting greeting our customers, it is not often just the two of us work alone on the sales just like the old days of almost 25 years ago and Lou doesn’t look a day older from a distance of half a mile and without my glasses. Thank you all for your support my lovers and roll on the start of the seasons!

It’s about this time of the year that we decide ‘Who is the Car Boot Sellers of the Year’ and there are a lot of candidates, have you got any recommendations? Drop me a line to

So What! We have lost the ASHES!

But we have won the ASHES the last 3 times so it is fair for us to throw the game and give those Aussies an occasional win. I do not have much love for the Australian people particularly as they seem to forget they all descend from thousands of British undesirables sent to build a Country. We got it all wrong by sending them there in the first place, they should have stayed here and we could have all emigrated over there call it Britsland and get much better weather than we have get here in the good old UK!
Talking about Aussies, when my missus first heard about that Rolf Harris bloke and the charges against him stating ‘they must have got the wrong man he is an absolute national treasure’ No he is not, he is a bloody Aussie and very micey; us men have been very worried about him for years, I mean what man in his right mind would stand in front of millions of viewers squalling his eyes out because some unknown dog has just died?
It’s a woman’s job to cry over dead died dogs, not some over acting Aussie bloke who seems to have outstayed his welcome. Confucius, he say ‘never trust a man (or woman) who grows on your face wot grows up your bum for nothing he say! You can have him back Aussieland, we will keep Dame Edna instead.

My team Newcastle are sitting proudly in 6th position in the Premiership with Tottenham behind “and” Manchester United no less trailing in 8th position and the so-called experts are saying they can win this year’s title WALOBs * My mate’s team Sunderland are very comfortably sitting in position 20 which at Christmas time is a very precarious position as relegation looms for the Black Cats, however on the plus side it will be brilliant for the Geordies who have never thought Sunderland deserves to be in the Premiership at all. In my days at Newcastle when the ‘toon won’ all the Geordie men would be so happy they would try to cover all the pubs (32) in the Bigg Market (been there-done that) then go home pissed out of their minds happy as old Larry expecting the Missus to be a-waiting in her negligee for his coming home.

If they lost however (a very frequent event) those poor wives used to fear the old bastard coming home at all! Times have probably and hopefully changed since the late 60s but I do predict the will be a ‘Geordie baby boom’ July August 2014 cos of the way the Toon Army are playing.
Back to my Sunderland supporter friend he tells me his team will survive, NO they will not my lover and by the way why did they change the name from Roker Park to ‘Stadium of Light’ known by my Geordie friends as guess what? STADIUM OF SH-TE my bird! He told me the other day “I am going on three weeks holiday so I won’t know the results” ‘Where you going’ I asked. “Australia” ‘Take Rolf with you mu lover but don’t worry I will text you the results especially if they lose again and again’!

What about the weather! It is a shame for all those families going away who have planned to be reunited with their loved ones this Christmas; they will have suffered serious travel delays on roads air and rail due to the offensive weather of heavy winds and rain, by now you are hopefully at your destinations and I hope the welcome you got was worth the hours of stress, however, save your cursing my lovelies apparently the weather gets worse for the return journey, and please do not make excuses for being back to work next Thursday 9.00 am sharp!

On Monday morning we decided to take a chance on the driving winds and rain to go to the local Sainsbury’s to get shopping, isn’t it funny how a drop of rain makes us run backwards and forwards to the car like idiots it’s as though the end of the world was nigh. One member of staff was walking about 25 of the trolleys against the driving wind and rain when some complete idiot (blokie) trying to avoid the rain ran into them causing them to wander in 25 different directions! Hilarious my lovers, bloody hilarious! No-on was injured but the runner almost did the Ministry of Funny walks on his way back to the car obviously in some pain, thank god the assistant had a sense of humour! As I collected a passing trolley I could hear some brass band playing Christmas Carols and collecting for their Christmas Charity but because it was raining they had been put inside the store and the bloody noise was deafening as the out of key and drenched musicians played Silent Night(or similar) The sound boomed around the store seriously you could not hear yourself think or speak, there were so many people moaning (couldn’t hear WTF they were saying) I looked at the driving rains outside and I thought “Charity begins at home, “Go Home” I cannot cope with this but amazingly the music (alleged) stopped and lo and behold they did go home much to the relief of the staff and customers but they had made a good collection from some of the generous customers.
Apparently the cotton buds stall did very well as customers tried to regain their hearing, I heard that someone left a used bud in the cheese sample box, mmm very tasty! Not true but very funny! ‘This ones for you Mother but its a little bit runny”!!

Be nice to each other over Christmas and tell someone ‘I love you’ even if it is to a reflection of you in the mirror. Been there-done that!!

Just as I about to finish this it is 6.50am my phone rings I look at the number don’t recognise it so assume it was a wrong number. Showing good manners I call the number back and this man with a very aggressive foreign accent asks “Vot Car Boot is on today”? NONE! “Ven is the next vun” “It’s Sunday at Truro at 1.30” “Vere in too” “TRURO!! “Vot is the post-code” No please, no thank you, Bye!! What at bleeding 6.50 in the morning on Christmas Day. You’re having a laugh! Get a life!! Happy Christmas my lovers………He has just called back I dare not answer because I can be quite rude at times (I learnt from Lou) but if he makes it three times in a row I will publish his number right here!
Enjoy your Christmas; now rip up the credit cards!
Geoff X

* abbreviation WALOBs ‘Wot a load of B…… !

Sunday’s Car Boot Sale at Truro went ahead with only 16 sellers who made good money they paid a fiver a stall and were very well supported by nearly four hundred men women kids and dogs (free admission) however shame on you sellers who did not turn up to sell. I was in Trago’s the other day the store was virtually empty so were some of the main shops in Truro without the anticipated loads of customers in the build up towards Christmas, they would certainly have been happy with our 400 Sunday crowd.
Seeing the shoppers in Truro many without shopping bags is a sign of how we are not out of the recession as claimed by the Cameron Clowns from the Cons Party.

We like the atmosphere of the Community Car Boots where everybody seems to know everybody and there is a great feeling of friendship amongst buyers and sellers. People have been asking ‘what am I going to do now all the boot sales are finished’? But they are not, we will have probably 3 running from mid- January keep an eye on the HOME PAGE for daily updates in the meantime you have got to get ready to celebrate Christmas in the way you choose! Lou and I will not celebrate with cards and gifts but we will certainly stuff our faces and get totally bored with what’s on the telly the forecast is crap so it will probably be pissing down outside! Thank god we don’t have a houseful of kids cos it must be hell organising their meals and entertainment, I couldn’t cope, been there, done that. Amen!

Let’s give a thought to the Mum’s who will probably create the Christmas lunch so why not on Christmas Day let her have a lie-in by waking and taking her a cup of tea and some buttered toast at 6.00 am so she can be up to make sure the lunch is not late, after she has done breakfast for everyone the presents can be given out with the whole household up by bloody seven in the morning and bored out of their pants two hours later. After the Christmas Day lunch she has so beautifully presented why not give her a complete break from the kitchen and do the washing up yourselves also clear up the dreadful mess she has made in the kitchen. Let her rest up watch TV and fall asleep absolutely knacked out on the settee but make sure you wake her so she can do tea-time food for all. Oh, by the way, don’t let her drink too much or you will have to get your own supper my lovers!!
Thanks Mum…..X

From me personally, I love all Mums and all ladies who are the backbone and major supporters of us and our business Car Boots Cornwall. Thank you Mothers, god I am such a creep!!
Or, why not give her the day off completely and you do all the cooking and feeding everybody your bloody self at least it will all be done PROPERLY!! Been there, done that. Amen!

Merry Christmas, but one final word about Christmas Day and the presents you may or may not receive if you are not happy with your ‘pressies’ and you wish to show what an ungrateful sod you are then you can always bring them to sell at Truro Car Boot Sale this Sunday at 1.30 but don’t tell Mother! I will!
Ps; Thank you for the Christmas Cards in particular to Marge who sends me a lovely ‘religious’ card each year despite the fact she knows we do not celebrate the alleged festive season, so I kept the one she sent me last year crossed out her name and put HAPPY CHRISMAS from Geoff sealed up the card and handed it into the Cafe at Truro for the girls to give Marge. She came to thank me ‘so much and I won’t open this until Christmas Day’ OMG that is certainly going to set her chins a-wobbling Mother! XX

Just imagine lads, you have dated this lovely young lady we shall call Sylvia, you ask her for a goodnight kiss you shut your eyes and all you get is a toungie kiss followed by a saliva face wash. French kisses would be completely out of the question but the many other uses I could think of for this longest tongue in the world I had better not write about cos I would probably bring these pages into disrepute my lovers!

Send me a caption please for this picture to