Morning,

Just got time to show you the Christmas Card sent to all her Car Boot Friends from Marge!!

How very Rude,
How very Marge,
She is no prude,
Just very LARGE!
She has no neck,
She has no sins,
But she has got loads of double chins!

Merry Christmas Marge.

Ps; I will send a copy of Rita’s card tomorrow.

X

Geoff

X

Today’s forecast looks as though we will get rain at some time during the day so I have decided that the Car Boot will take place in the Cattle pens at 1.30 then everyone will be under cover. It could be a good day to sell particularly as so many of our customers look for nearly news items to buy for Christmas presents especially toys for the kids who will be told “this is from Father Christmas” no it’s not its from the boot sale mother and with respect Christmas is no time to be caught out lying.
A word of warning, my Lou and I do not do presents but when she goes around the stalls she buys ‘second hand after shave’ as a gift to me and I have about 30 bottles of various shapes and sizes and by well known perfume suppliers. The reason I like the aftershaves is that our dog Nana Moon sheds her hair in the house which makes the hoover smell so I put a new aftershave soaked bag into our Henry and the house smells pleasant whilst I am doing the hoovering.

DOMESTIC VIOLENCE

Christmas time is ‘stress time’ in a lot of households so be nice to each other and your kids and kids be nice to your parents and parents enjoy your Christmas and if you have got worries and problems try to put them out of your minds for a few days. But please let make sure there is no domestic violence in your homes. Be nice to each other, WHATEVER!!

Last word on the aftershave, Lou bought me one bottle which was full and yellow in colour and had a horrible smell so I told Lou ‘no thanks’
I reckon the seller topped the bottle up with real toilet water so I emptied the bottle down the Lou-Loo, what that woman expects for 20p I will never know.

Take care.

X

Did anyone notice that my team Newcastle United beat Manchester on Saturday for the first time in over 40 years which is quite a miracle seeing that Newcastle do not have the vast cheque books that most of the Premiership squander on foreign players but in fairness I must admit the Sunderland also do not have great finances and it is pleasing to see they lost again which keeps them well rooted to the bottom position number 20 out of 20 preparing to go down to a lower division which I know will give all those lovely Geordies immense pleasure. Did you also note the Man United are currently in 9th position and Newcastle are cruising hopefully into the top 5 where with luck Man U will join Sunderland in a relegation battle! We can all daydream at times but when you add up the total values spent on foreign players like Van Pussy I don’t think they are giving their supporters value for their fifty quids plus to watch the home matches.

The so called experts like Gary Linekar and Alan Shearer who are cosseted by the BBC earning fortunes telling us their opinions and forecasts which are more often wrong than right, but what exactly are their achievements for England and just for good measure lets add in Mr bighead himself David Beckham?

What did these three in all their years win for ENGLAND? Absolutely SOD ALL and yet all 3 are millionaires who are totally up themselves with Beckham deciding it’s better to live in America with Linekar and Shearer at the BBC and we the licence payer will keep them in rich pickings till they hang up their opinions when they retire!

Now then, let’s look at the Cricket and aren’t we doing terrible in the Ashes? Nope that is not true, England won their last 14 matches and if they lose these Ashes then so what! It’s only a game innit!
Another voice of complete doom and gloom is that Pratt Sir Geoffrey Boycott who has not a good word to say about our team representing our proud Country causing all those Aussies to gloat even more about the Brits and their poor form. From my own memory of Boycott over many years he was a complete know all motor mouth and an average player into the bargain (certainly no Ian Botham) and is yet another BBC overpaid gob shite!
“ Let England win or lose Sir Geoffrey (no relation) but decide which team you are actually supporting cos when you come to give your egotistic opinions more often than not you are detrimental to our team therefore our Country so as they say in Newcastle “Shut your GOB man”

Oh, and by the way Sir Geoffrey just to remind you that the England LADIES Cricket team are the current holders of the women’s ASHES and are in Australia quietly preparing to defend their title, I notice you don’t have too much to say about their successes you old windbag. Good luck ladies from this Sir Geoff Says and our customers.
The last word must be given to Sunderland!!
20 Sunderland 15 18 Going Down!! Hah…

Sunday weather was promised bright sunshine all day but it rained in a lot of areas so I did not expect more than 70 sellers to turn up but the pleasant surprise was from about 11 the weather changed therefore there were a lot of last minute decisions “Let’s SELL” a total of 107 arrived to sell and I seriously believed that all stallholder will have taken good money. Two stallholder I spoke with admitted takings of over £300.00 and some of the dealers had a field day with some exceptional BARGAINS! One of the buyers showed me some very collectable pottery which was bought for a mere TEN pounds and will certainly sell for hundreds. The genuine deals and bargains were out there my lovers and when you see the RUSH of buyers as the HORN starts the sale I don’t blame them at all because I had a good look around the stalls and I know there was money to be made from both sides of the counter!

Did you see the Rolls Royce seller? They say its a bit of a ‘status symbol’ to own a Roller but it was a great deal of smugness to have one of them arrive at our Car Boot Sale loaded up to the hilt with good sellable item. I had a chat with the driver who was ‘doing it all for charity’ with the stall next door to him. I said I would plug the charity called EMMAUS UK which their logo claims “The homeless Charity that works” and its president is Terry Waite CBE no less. He is the bloke who went on a hostage holiday for 5 years in the Lebanon you will remember. Terry was also assistant to that Robert Runtie the old Arch Bish of somewhere or other!
Anyway back to the stall next door the young ladies attending to the stall worked hard to raise monies for this charity and I admired the effort they had put in to raise the funds, I hope that all the funds raised actually goes to the charity itself!
Too often there are appeals “Will you give £3.00 a month” from your hard earning for this or that charity or you can spend a further £3.00 to adopt some grizzly animal that would fooking EAT you sooner than say ‘thanks for your three quid’s mate’

As most of you know Lou and I don’t do Christmas and here is another reason why! I know of a dealer who is ruthless in purchasing driving hard bargains from the stalls and then bragging about the profit made from some gullible sellers. The dealer throughout the year makes exceptionally good money from the booters and was overheard bragging “I have only bought two presents for the kids so far which cost me a thousand pounds’ That pisses me off unbelievably, when I was a kid in the home during the war all I got for Christmas was a book and a box of liquorice allsorts, I had to share the sweets with the other kids and I couldn’t fricking read!!

Have a nice time don’t overspend and you can always ask me to look after your credit cards with my trusty pair of scissors. In a few weeks time we will be in our 25th Year of running Car Boots Cornwall and hopefully we can organise some special events. Do you know Marge has been with us all those years and she doesn’t look a day older, not from a distance anyway! Love y’all. Geoff x

Thanks for the card Marge same as last year, I reckon she bought the box several years ago from one of my sales it said on the back of the card 1/9p that’s one and nine pence OLD MONEY!!

Ps; A lovely lady came to say she loves this column but is frightened to be seen talking to me because she might become victim of one of my blogs. I wouldn’t do that! X

With love to all Manchester United alleged supporters.

Xzzzzzzz!

Women don’t like sex as much as men. So declared Stephen Fry in a recent interview with Attitude magazine, thus inciting a backlash of epic proportions. The Observer got word of the British actor’s explosive comments and reported on the interview, giving it a wider audience. Then the U.K.’s famous feminists, like Germaine Greer, came out to publicly denounce him. Now, Fry, an openly gay man, is claiming that it’s one big misunderstanding: “So some fucking paper misquotes a humorous interview I gave, which itself misquoted me, and now I’m the antichrist. I give up,” he tweeted yesterday. He followed up with a more succinct message: “Bye Bye.” Both the Observer and Attitude (the magazine, not Fry) stand by the comments, which read:
If women liked sex as much as men there would be straight cruising areas in the way there are gay cruising areas. Women would go and hang around in churchyards thinking: ‘God, I’ve got to get my fucking rocks off’, or they’d go to Hampstead Heath and meet strangers to shag behind a bush. It doesn’t happen. Why? Because the only women you can have sex with like that wish to be paid for it. He added;
I feel sorry for straight men. The only reason women will have sex with them is that sex is the price they are willing to pay for a relationship with a man, which is what they want. Of course, a lot of women will deny this and say, ‘Oh no, but I love sex, I love it!’ But do they go around having it the way that gay men do?
Geoff Says;
What a complete wanker this man is the only time he is really happy is when he can hear his own voice and talking absolute gay Bullshit! Women are about MUCH more than sex machines (sadly) they are god’s greatest creation next to me and if it hadn’t of been for a woman you great knob-end you would not be here to slag them off!
WTF does he know about women when he has been a committed ‘gay’ since he can remember? Following his denunciation of women and his boasting about his male conquests he has the audacity to assume all women get paid for sex?
That’s not true it’s only the married ones who have to pay forever and ever and besides that sex is only a small part of a marriage (very small in our household) If you do everything right in your marriage and obey everything she tells you to do then when it comes to ‘sex time’ you are too bloody knackered to remember “WTF to do” Welcome to Cornwall….

Why not do a Car Boot Sale instead, bit like sex really all over within two hours! I’m not Gay; but my husband is! I’m not gay; I just help them out when they are busy!
Someone recently told me that Stephen Fry is a national treasure and that he is also a manic depressant and now he has the audacity to tell us about women. National treasure, my arse!(not an offer) I mentioned this Fry bloke to Lou telling her he has been very rude about women and sex, her attitude is “there is more promiscuity amongst gays than straight people-hence AIDS” A very good line Lou you just keep thinking Lou cos that’s what your good at, god I am such a CREEP!! Got your summons for speeding yet dear? Contrary to public belief Lou has every right to come on to this column to reply once she has broken down the password. Shut your gob Stephen here comes a train and its blowing its horn!

Geoff

Thursday’s Car Boot Sales at PAR MARKET!
Last Thursday a great crowd supported over 40 sellers at this brand new location and there is no doubt that this new location will be most popular as we head towards 2014 there are two more sales this year on the 12th and 19th of December then we head into the New Year with our first Car Boot Sale on the 2nd January 2014 at 12.00 noon. Sellers should arrive at least one hour before start times with buyers arriving for the 12 noon start. This is a very clean hard standing venue with great facilities and we are most proud for Car Boots Cornwall to be represented in St Austell with its most popular and largest indoor Market in the United Kingdom open every Saturdays and Sundays all year round.

We asked our customers if they wanted a Car Boot Sale at Par Market on Boxing Day but the response was indifferent so it’s a day off for the start of the alleged SALES. Personally I think the BARGAINS are in the Market well worth a visit at weekends.
See you all on the 2nd January 2014

We are at the end of season at Falmouth thank goodness but you cannot say I didn’t warn that it could go on up till Christmas and FREE to buyers but not enough sellers to justify carrying on. Nothing on this Saturday that means we have TWO days off in a row so why not raid the kids bedrooms and have a pre-Christmas sale of their belongings!! I love going past stalls where kids are almost crying when they find that MOTHER has raided their bedrooms and decided “He doesn’t want that any more” or “She doesn’t play with these any more” and then the parents have the nerve to bring the kids where they can actually see the contents of their bedrooms sold for next to nothing!! Great fun! Go for it Mother you have my permission!
Sunday is the day to sell it all at either at Monkey Tree at 9.00 am or the main event of the day TRURO CATTLE MARKET at 1.30 pm It is advisable for sellers to arrive before 12.30 pm and buyers (locals) should arrive before 1.15 pm visitors and tourists should arrive about 3.00 pm when all the BARGAINS are gone! Welcome to Cornwall my lovers!! XX

Now here’s a little story to tell it is a must about a young man who was caught speeding by one of these SPEED CAMERAS that you see all over Cornwall. He sped past the one on the main road to Helston and as he passed it he could see the camera FLASH which meant he was BOOKED and he was furious! He goes home tells his mate about the sodding camera and he comes up with the idea ‘let’s get my double barrelled shot-gun and you drive very slowly past the camera and I will open both barrels at the effing camera and blow the frigging think to bits” Not so young man the camera is British made you silly sod and it survived to catch hundreds of other speeders ever since! And guess what, he still got the ticket!! Hah! Now then, this is the story told to me by a friend of a friend so whether there is any truth or not I do not know but I do know that the picture reveals double barrels were shot at the camera. The identity of the speeding gunman is not known but this a Cornish folk story that hopefully will be exaggerated over the next few years, only a complete nutter would come from Cornwall to come up with such a stupid idea like ‘shooting up’ a speed camera!

Truthfully, shortly after we moved I had to put my car in for servicing for the day I hired a Honda car that was so comfortable that I sped past a camera without realizing my speed less than a quarter of a mile from our house. The summons duly arrived and they offered me two choices, the first to pay the fine of £100.00 and get three points on my licence or the second choice was to go on a one day educational driving and awareness course which you pay the £100.00 fee and your three point will be suspended for three years and if you do not reoffend the points are forgotten. I opted for the course arriving at the offices in Carn Brae and I was stunned to recognise three other Car Booters also on the course. Did it work for me? Yes, and I have not offended since.

I have often told you about how nervous Lou is as a passenger which at times makes her a bit of a know-all and a pain in the arse to chauffeur around. A few weeks ago she absolutely assured me whilst going through Truro ‘that speed Camera has just caught you’ and for a second time she told me exactly the same at Longdowns. Now then, you will have seen our new contract hire Citroen van which Lou proudly got insured to use for one of her house clearances. On her first journey ever in this brand new vehicle her got caught speeding on the main road A 30 up to the windmills roundabout going in BOTH directions my lovers which have caused me great deal of self smug satisfaction. Oh dear, oh dear how can one who is so perfect in every way get such an OWN GOAL sorry TWO own goals. Both ways no less! And she called the cameras all the bastards under the sun; I think I will hide my starting pistols…. I love you my darling wife but TWO nay TWICE in the same day and no I will not say ‘I was driving your honour’ GOTCHA!! Wait till Mummy finds out. Could be 6 points to christen your ever so clean licence since the late 80s perhaps it’s time for an anger management course my lover nothing has made you easier teasier!! Hah!! X
This should bond our marriage superbly…….