The Newquay Car Boot on Tuesday in July was bathed in sunshine and a very successful day both buyers and sellers each keen to sell up or buy up BARGAINS but generally here we have a huge holiday crowd of up to 3000 people enjoying Cornwall’s Community Car Boot Sale. Over the fifteen year we have run the Circus Fields Boot Sales we have got used to the huge amounts of holiday makers who come to Cornwall every year and they are almost as regular as the locals. The sellers over those years of many thousands of people have done Newquay proud with the high standard of presentation on their stall and of giving fair value for your money all for the bargain seller’s price of £6.00 per car.

About one hour into the sale the atmosphere is normally settled with buyers taking their time to walk around the nearly one mile of lanes and up to 180 great stalls to explore. The Catering area has nearly all the seats taken but over by the side of the hedge Jackie and I noticed a very-very-very large lady who for the sake of this story I will call Fatimah, she had taken one of the white chairs with the intention of sitting by the hedge with her son who had also got a chair. He sits quite comfortably not so with Fatimah Momma who sits the chair down and offers her great fat arse to the seat and as she bends to squat the plastic chair meets its doom and collapses grabbing her huge weight with the legs buckled and splayed out in four different directions like a giraffe doing a total splits! The sight of seeing this huge woman in the broken chair trying to get up leaving nothing to the imagination as she revealed everything a man would expect to see up the skirt of this 26 stone bird! Jackie and I like several other who witnessed this giant lady’s huge embarrassment were overtaken with sheer laughter but not one of us trying to help the lady to get up. The son had makes a good effort so Jackie and I like good Samaritans walked over to lift the lady to a standing position and one of us would have to prize that chair from her waistline. (fat arse)

Fortunately Fatimah did have a great sense of humour but as I helped lift her I suddenly realized my fingers were embedding into her arms and shoulders and it was then that I realized how horribly fat the feeling of fat is! It reminded me of my grandma’s bakery when I used to help to knead the dough when I was a brat of ten! Later at home I told Lou about the lady Fatimah and said I could not imagine if Lou were to get so large if I could love her in the same way as now. We go to bed and on the TV there is an equally large lady wanting oceans of her fat flab cut away in some horrific body’s programme which Madam insists on watching. Lou obviously knew how shocked I was at so much flab in one day demanding ‘would you still love me when I get that fat’?

I fell fast asleep which was her opportunity for some gross stupidity that nearly killed me! She goes into the second bedroom gets all the pillows wrapped around her stomach and up her nightie she then pads up with as many cushions round her arms and legs then ties the continental quilt round her body then comes to the side of my bed and shouts “Hey Wiles” which wakes me up to the shock of her standing there covered in cushions pillows and continental quilt and looking immense in size as she throws herself on top of me shouting ‘could you love me if I was this fat’ and there is me buried under this fat wench and I can hardly breathe! “Well” she shouts could you still love me if I was this fat? “Yes, yes, yes I shout get OFF!! I give in, I will always love you”

I have be honest to tell you this was the payback for THE (rubbery) HAND that I bought for 50p from a charity stall in Falmouth. The hand is made of very convincing flesh like rubber and there is a padded arm so plenty of scope to frighten the only lady living in this house. Best place to put the hand is on the end of the light pull switch in the bathroom which worked a treat as she screamed in horror when this greasy blood (dripping honey) stained hand is holding the switch my lovers! I said to her “don’t you think you should go for a pee darling before you wake me up”? TRAPPED! And the hand grabbed her and she screamed and screamed and screamed until she was sick!! I absolutely pissed myself laughing so had to get up and remake the bed (That is NOT true-but funny)

Diet tip is if you don’t buy it you won’t eat it!
Start dieting today with this motto and only buy the absolute necessities like chocolate and a six pack.
If you don’t buy it then you won’t eat it!

Ps. Fatimah did not pay for the splattered chair nor did she offer, I noticed how stunningly attractive the lovely Fatimah was and what a pleasure to see such vast face of sheer beauty may you become the size you want my lover, I shall never forget the view as your chair toppled over?? my lover……x

Our phones enquiring ‘is NEWQUAY on today’? started at 7.30 and lasted up to 11.00am when I arrived to drizzling rain and only 9 sellers brave enough to try to sell in the miserable weather.
Those nine sellers swelled up to 22 so in the drizzle I decided to let the Car Boot go ahead and only charge the sellers a fiver also I would let all the buyers in FREE!! For an hour and a half the lucky sellers were treated to well over 300 buyers eager to look for bargains. Today all sellers took very-very good money and I know of several who ended taking well over £100 quid’s and one who took more than £200 selling her ‘landfill junk’ at BARGAIN prices to more than happy buyers!

The lesson here is the fewer the sellers the more cash you will make so today you should have got off you butt put on your coat load up the car and you too could have made over one hundred quid! Thank you to those sellers who turned up and many more thanks to the buyers who gave our sellers support by buying their junk! What goes around comes around my lovers!!

It seems I have upset a few ginger nuts with my tirade about a man I called Mr Tosser who became a pain in the arse trying to get me to update my website whilst I was driving to several of our location during the pissing rain! I did NOT call him a ginger twat according to Le-Roy of golden balls fame I merely looked up the word TOSSER on Google and came up with the Cornish Brewery SKINNERS who brewed especially for my story a fantastic knock you over beer Called “Ginger Tosser” which is made from Cornish (ginger) Honey and the title aptly fitted my ginger nutter text messenger!

If any person thinks they can take a pot shot at my Lou and me then it is fair play for me to have a go back especially if they leave their phone number or better still their email address.
Now then my bird, if I publish any persons phone number may I respectfully ask that you do NOT (well you can if you like) phone the person and be offensive to them! The person in question did phone eventually to ask (beg) ‘please take my number off your website’ but I was a bit tied up with doing my ironing and preparing Lou’s food (still eating)so I left the matter for a few hours! Suffice it to say ‘old ginger nut’ has not made his minimum of three calls in the morning since! One person Builder Paul who got really uptight about ‘ginger nut’ analysing the situation by insisting I am both attractive to men and women and he (ginger nuts) probably fancies me and likes to hear my voice! What!! Men fancying me? no chance my lovers I am totally in love with all women although I have had to put up with Aussie John making rude suggestions to me. Love you John but I am not interested (unless the price is right) Lets move on enough of nutters!

We are nearing the end of season at Long Rock and I genuinely thank all buyers and sellers who have been to Long Rock and who have helped its first year achieve very high possibilities of becoming a most successful location in the coming years. We have a fantastic Landlord who has given me a completely FREE hand to run Long Rock we think to its inevitable success in 2014/5 Go 4 it LONG ROCK!!

LANHYDROCK on Sundays is going to be fine-tuned next year by changing the starting time which we are certain will increase the sellers and buyers in huge numbers so again I thank all of the supporters of LANHYDROCK and the superb Landlords of the Manor who have shown a keen interest to see our Car Boot Sales in Bodmin the success such a fantastic location deserves.
One regular dealer complimented Lanhydrock by saying he earned more money in an one hour than he had taken at Rosudgeon in two weeks! Easy done my lovers, easy done!!

And finally on the subject of ginger headed persons I don’t know if it is true but according to the oracle the Omaha Kayan that ginger/redheads are fiery buggers and can really ‘fly off the handle’ at times?
Which must mean my missus must be a redhead cos she can hit the roof quicker than a rocket at times and its ALWAYS ME THAT’S in the WRONG!!

Now if you think I have been tough on this poor Ginger Tosser wait till I tell you the story about Mister K N O B H E A D!!!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Skinner’s Cornish Ale – Ginger Tosser

by Skinner’s Brewery

Hoppy golden ale fused with Cornish honey and a hint of ginger.

Vol: 500ml
ABV: 3.8%

We appreciate many of our hampers are sent as gifts and for this reason we do not include invoices in any orders unless specified.

£3.10

Afterthought?

Come on Skinners let’s have a Mister Knob Head brew, I will be the taster! Geoff

Imagine how popular this beer would be and you bought just the one bottle and if you all had the balls to go up and say to the worst Knob Head in your life “here you are you fluck flaced KNOB HEAD” !!!!! Go on have BALLS!

Ps; Children should not have read this by the way! Sorry Mother!

XX

25 years ago it became our pleasure to run Car Boot Sales at Falmouth Rugby Club and during that time we have met some wonderful people of all ages one of the senior citizen variety was Phyllis who used to love to come to the Car Boots to give herself and husband the chance to be apart for a while however one day Phyllis went home to discover hubby had had a heart attack and he later died.
Phyllis was devastated to be parted from the lover in her life and I decided to help her with the grief she was suffering to insist that she came the our Car Boot Sale every day that she wanted completely free of charge and that she should continue selling her plants and weeds and talk to as many people as you can. All these years later she has kept her end of the bargain but recently she has been ‘dropping off a bit’ and getting a tad cantankerous in her old age and the old bugger!

Now look here Phyllis stop waking up and saying to yourself “Christ I am still here” just get yourself ready and show up more often at the Car Boots otherwise you wont get the fresh air you need and meeting up with all your friends!

Get your arse into action young Phyllis, get some exercise fresh air and a good chat with all your friends especially our lovely Marge and countless others!

Love you my bird!!

Geoff

XX

From Lou XX

What a crap week we have had with Tuesday & Thursday both cancelled due to the weather and ground condition and then losing Saturday at Mitchell. Nothing exasperates the situation more than the abuse towards me and my missus and our teams from disgruntled idiots who want the Car Boot Sale to go ahead whatever the severe consequences! Tuesday & Thursday we received several texts and phone calls from some idiot I will call Mr Tosser enquiring why Newquay was cancelled which was blatantly obvious due the pissing drizzle which drenched all fields from MABE to Mitchell, Newquay to Lanhydrock and not forgetting Long Rock!

Louise and I travelled to all these locations to check on ground conditions and decided it was in the interest of Public Safety to cancel the Newquay Tuesday & Thursday events. But Mr Tosser was reluctant to accept our decision and sent texts demanding we update our website immediately! The majority of callers accepted our decision without question but Tosser had to go that extra mile with offensive texts so when I got home I published his mobile number on our home page after updating the information which amused some of our genuine sellers and buyers but of course not Mr Tosser!

Let’s get this perfectly clear, I will never cancel just for the sake of it or because I got out of the bed the wrong side, we take our business very seriously and yes we realize in the present climate some of our customers are desperate to earn money but to ruin one of our Landlords fields just for the sake of a couple of idiots is something we are not prepared to consider no matter how offensive the disappointed nerds get! Over our 25 years we have conducted our Car Boot Sales for multi thousands of sellers and buyers but have always used PUBLIC SAFETY as the starting point of every event we organise.
To those very polite but disappointed buyers who turned up to sell at the cancelled locations we gave a £3.00 off voucher as a small compensation to attend another time or another venue, we are sorry to have cancelled but we have absolutely NO CONTROL over the weather my lovers, (not including Mr Tosser the total DH)
Enjoy your day, I am going to think about retirement, then what would happen to the greatest COMMUNITY events ever organised in the South West for MILLIONS of visits over those 25 years?

Geoff

XX

Sellers should arrive at least one hour before start times! Sellers should also bring some BARGAINS and BUYERS should bring plenty of CASH to buy the BARGAINS! We found most of the sellers very understanding yesterday when we had to CANCEL Mitchell due to the ground conditions, we found some of the buyers with little brain and even less understanding but plenty of GOB that in the interest of PUBLIC SAFETY I cancelled MITCHELL!! The fact was that the ground was absolutely grass drenched due to the heavy drizzle that had fallen over several hours! Several vehicles including mine caused serious skid patches on the grass and if the Car Boot Sale had gone ahead all of the visiting vehicles would have turned the green field into a brown slurrying mess ruining the location for the rest of the season. The few offensive buyers should engage brain before GOB adding a dash of business knowledge or even a dash of common sense and not open their mouths to let the winds blow their tongues around!! Have a lovely day today relax and leave the management to me and my teams, you know it makes sense-common sense, my lovers! X

Last Saturday at Mitchell buyers watched a stall being set up that had amongst the selling items 4 pairs of very respectable shoes size nine 2 pair of each colour black and brown! When the horn sounded two ladies rushed to the stall grabbing 2 pairs each asking how much are the shoes please “Oh yes” says the seller “they are in excellent condition only £4.00 a pair and by the way they are dead mans shoes, he died two week ago and he was wearing that pair when he died” as he pointed to the pair of Clarkes held aloft by one of the potential buyers who was flabbergasted at the thought that she was trying to buy her old man a pair of ‘dead man’s shoes’ that she dropped both pairs as instant as the other lady customer and they both quickly departed from the stall much to the amusement of a dealer who promptly bought all four pairs for fifteen quid’s! He commented “I don’t give a shit if they are ‘dead mans shoes’ or not, nobody is gonna know cos they are going on eBay when I get home” This is a TRUE story cos my Louise told me she had thought of buying them for me until she overheard the man say “they are dead man’s shoes”!!

Name: mark
Email:
Subject: pet bed man
Telephone: 07707570414
Message: hi everyone, its the pet bed man from wakefield. thank you for welcoming us to your car boot sales where we had great success with our pet beds and other stock we brought. hope to be staying for much longer next year, cant wait, once again thanks for your hospitality 🙂

IP Logged As: 92.12.54.252

May I highly recommend that if you are going up country or are in the Taunton area you look up the website of Paul’s Promotions run by Paul Stewart of www.tauntoncarboot.co.uk and pay a visit to one of Paul’s well organised Car Boot Sale. Recently one of our regulars Orli paid me a huge compliment by saying she had been to Taunton to the Car Boot Sale at Proctors Farm and had she not of known the difference she would have thought that Car Boots Cornwall were running the sale as it was run identical to our group!

This is not just a coincidence Paul had been looking to change the cut and thrust of sellers arriving at his sales with buyers & local dealers immediately pouncing onto the unsuspecting seller almost stripping the car of items for sale at knock down bargains with the hapless seller ending up with almost an empty car as the crowd move on to the next arrival. (Bit like Rosudgeon really)

Over numerous phone calls Paul decided to come to Cornwall to study our system of FAIR PLAY and he was stunned at the control I exercised over our Car Boot Sales in particular with the way we operated buyers arriving and being allowed to set up their stall without hindrance of buyers and that there was no buying/no selling during this set up period and that the buyers would enter the sale at the stated time in short all buyers/dealers would get a fair chance of the thousands of bargains on offer. With my blessing Paul introduced and copied our system and he now proudly boasts the fairest Car Boot Sales in the Devon and Somerset area in fact even the dealers now approve of his system with fairness to all concerned.

In my picture Paul is with his devoted Mum who talked Paul into ‘starting up his own Car Boot Sales’ he now proudly present 4 sales during the Summer Season and thousands of flock to his weekly sales during the main season. He is a natural entrepreneur showman and prides himself on his ability to find the right location with understanding and very happy Landlords and thousands of contented buyers and sellers!

I dread to think if we were both in the same area in opposition against each other but I am sure it would all work out in the customers interests ‘opposition is the spice of Car Boot life’ so they tell me. Thank you for the compliment of copying Car Boots Cornwall lets hope the system will be copied in other parts of the country which will certainly be a credit to all concerned and fairer to the general public as they recycle their unwanted items. It is fair to add that HAYLE Rugby Club here in Cornwall now operate an identical system which I understand has been well accepted by all concerned!

Well done Paul, proud to know you and congrats to Mum who could see your potential in organising such popular events in TAUNTON!!

BBC once again panicked the South West public into staying away from our main event of the Sunday Car Boot Calendar MABE at 1.30pm over this weekend when the sodden BBC got it all wrong once again! I can understand reluctant sellers staying away “because the forecast is for heavy rain” but for those sellers who had the balls to say “sod it we are selling” were the real winners of the day! I decided from very early in the morning MABE is going ahead especially when I heard that HAYLE had cancelled due to ground conditions and our phones rang non-stop during the day plus over 1200 hits on this websites to seek any updates and latest information.

So the sellers seriously reduced in numbers arrived and at 1.00pm I parked them up with this HUGE cloud hanging up above the entire selling and parking area and Louise is panicking that I start the sale earlier to give the sellers a better chance of getting reasonable takings! At about 1.15 it started showering and umbrellas were covering the crowds of buyers so in fairness to all concerned I blasted the horn for the sale to start! As the buyers rushed in headed by Marge and her gang of swingers the shower got heavier and then two minutes later it was all over with NO MORE RAIN and believe me the sellers took really good money with BARGAINS galore as people went backwards and forwards to their cars carrying their latest possessions. With approximately 1800 men women and kids of all ages thoroughly enjoyed the afternoon because they took NO NOTICE of the bloody BEEB and its forecast cos they got it wrong AGAIN! The Pillock’s!
Only one incident with a dog emptying its body almost at my feet but the owner did the right this as she presented a poo bag and swooped up the crap in the nicest possible way which put me off my lunch! By the way, we do not have POO BINS but it is ok for you to put the bags into the loos but please FLUSH them and whilst we are on the same loo subject could I ask the men to aim with more accuracy and lift the seat out of courtesy to the young kids and the ladies. We did put signs on for ladies and gents apparently the majority of men could not read!