Sellers should bring their own sanitisers and masks if applicable. We are lucky in that we are ‘out in the open air’ for all of our Car Boot Sales, please note that in the event of rain we will not run the Car Boots at TRURO as it would not be possible for us to operate inside the Cattle pens due to the Corona Virus regulations. Thank you, Geoff and the team.

TODAYS Car Boot Sale is at NEWQUAY CIRCUS FIELDS at 12.00 noon Postcode; TR7 2JQ
Sellers should arrive at lease ONE hour before start times; PLEASE NOTE!! There is going to be a review of the ‘EARLIES’ system which was initiated for MARKET TRADERS. With so few MARKET TRADERS I may well cancel this idea as it favours the few and is seen by many as unfair to other sellers. The HORN which is used to start each Car Boot Sale will sound two and a half hours after start times and I would ask all sellers to respect other sellers by NOT LEAVING before that first two and a half hours session please!! In the old days Car Boot Sales used to last from 8.00am to at least 4.00pm…… Your opinions please! Geoff X

Saturday morning Car Boot sellers and buyers were treated to early sunshine and a Poultry Auction second to none. Lou and I are looking to buy some chickens so we inspected all the exhibits but there was some screeching eight ounce duck that I could have throttled on the spot telling the whole world ‘you don’t wanna buy me cos I can go on all day’ the brat thing. We prefer to buy the battery hens who have done their apprentice bit in the dark and arrive almost naked after having their feathers plucked by god knows how many other peckers, but when you get them home they are so appreciative of their freedom they all lay at least one egg a day and within weeks they have new coats and are adorable to allow freedom of the garden. Back to the Car Boot at Truro sellers had a good trading and certainly buyers spent plenty of money on great bargains. With around 50 sellers several packed up in readiness for the main event of the day MITCHELL. I parked up the sellers about 180 in total with dark clouds on the horizon and I did fire the horn to start the sales and lo and behold within 20 minutes the heavens did open and absolutely piss down in an action replay of the previous week. Mums and dads with their miserable snivelling spoilt kids ran back to their cars to sit and wait for the rain to stop which in fairness lasted about 30 minutes but loads of sellers deserted the sale drenched to the skin. Anyway the remaining and plucky buyers and sellers traded well and kids faces were smiling once again (the two faced little moos) as sellers were determined to get rid of toys at bargain prices. Somehow or other it is always the fault of us the organisers who get the blame if it rains but the rules are once a seller has paid and is parked into the selling fields NO REFUNDS rule applies, we are not playing at shops we are serious about the way we operate our business and it is the Landlords rights to expect to be paid ‘whatever the weather’ once the sellers are parked in their fields. Like last week the fields were empty by 3.30pm and it was a shame for all concerned the weather was so bad however I am sure we will not get a replay next week! Must mention Friday at Falmouth when we were allowed on the dead ball areas for the second week running, my prayers are finally working with a decent crowd of buyers and sellers enjoying the sale apart from some lady who had left her purse on Joey’s fruit and Veg stall with cash and credit cards/debit cards, time for me to buy a new car on someone else’s debit card! Yippee! On Sunday with dark clouds looming and with trepidation we started the sale which boasted well over 200 sellers and up to 3500 visits the day ended with no rain and HUGE bargains. I have never seen so many real bargains ranging from good quality furniture to music systems to bicycles to jewellery to all types of household items tools push chairs to high chairs to clothing for all ages to bargains, bargains, and yet more bargains. A fantastic atmosphere apart from bleeden dogs including our very own Nana Moon who was in a real bitch mood snarling at some other dog and sinking her teeth into its arse so I took the blame and Nana Moon was confined to the car until further notice! A lovely lady came over to say a dog had peed on a sweater that she was selling and she told the owner “Your dog has peed on this sweater and I think you should pay for it” to which the owner said “I don’t have any control of my dog’s bladder so NO I will not pay for it” The offended lady had come to ask us “Where do I stand”? My lovely Lou took over and with a few strong words to the dog owner the spoiled item was paid for pronto but the unwilling buyer who decided she did not want the pee stained item! Hah! Then some other dog had taken a massive dump in the field that a wise seller had covered with a large piece of cardboard which by the end of the sale was well trodden into the grass. We have a condition that the field MUST be left clean and tidy before we leave and we all watched in horror as our little Bex (of Falmouth fame) used her grabber to lift the shitty card and its concealed contents and we are all shouting “No Bex leave it” but she did not hear and I will leave it to your imagination as to what happened next! Splatt went the shat! Suffice it to say I warned her “Don’t get shiddy with me my darling” Bex is going into hospital next week to have another operation and we wish her well during the time she is away, she is a total love and we will miss her! Lanhydrock at 3.00pm had a record day and I had a phone call from a lady who said “I have had a wonderful time at the sale but I left a carrier bag full of dresses and clothes have they been handed in please”? After checking with Rachel our Manager of Lanhydrock Car Boot Sales she had stored the carrier and its contents in her car for the next sale so another happy (but careless) customer. Another lucky sod was a bloke who had left his car keys on his roof which I handed back to him after he had searched for ages and the miserable careless bugger did not even say thank you, I felt like asking for them back and throwing them in the bleeding hedge! And finally, back to the purse left on Joey’s stall, I searched the purse for an address or a clue to the owner’s identity and all I could find was a dentist appointment card so at 9.00pm I emailed the dentist to advise that one of their patients had lost a purse full of contents! This morning a very tearful but extremely happy lady phoned to say ‘I have been told you have found my purse’ which Lou delivered to her house in Falmouth this afternoon? Happiness to us is being appreciated which in our job is a rare commodity the last time we were thanked with such genuine appreciation was when we changed a ten shilling note for Marge over 15 years ago! Say thank you, please! Pretty please! The epilogue! As I walked from the car park I watched in amazement as a party of four people entered the selling field at MABE and one of the party a young lady had the shortest of shorts I have seen for a long time so quick as a ‘flash’ I took her picture from the rear then overtook her to ask ‘Please may I take your picture for our website www.carbootscornwall and she agreed! I think she is lovely and a breath of fresh air but she was roundly condemned by a few jealous ladies (including my missus) who were not as well blessed as she appeared to be! One comment was ‘She was showing off at Hayle this morning’ I quite liked the clothes she was nearly wearing but here was a nice looking girl being herself and proudly wearing what SHE wanted to wear! I asked her name and she said “My name is Geri Love and I am on Face book” You decide!! Geoff X 4 pictures;

As a gesture of goodwill I decided to give sellers a bargain deal by distributing leaflets inviting people who had sold at any of our Car Boot Sales the opportunity to sell on Saturday afternoon for the BARGAIN price of only ONE POUND! But you always get someone who wants to spoil the party in fact there were three. Number one was the Cider drinking woman who we received complaints about over two weeks and last Saturday apparently she upset a few buyers and sellers but she not caught until Thursday at Newquay when the lady in question was BARRED in the interest of peoples (and their kids) safety. The only condition for the ONE POUND bargain offer to sell was that the leaflet must be produced to our Rachel to gain the quid entry. Some forgot the leaflet so had to pay the full £6.00 price and one old biddie went berserk because she had lost the leaflet and the old verbal abuse started being offensive about Rachel and myself to anyone who would listen but the one who really took the biscuit was an old git and his missus who arrived with a full car and an overloaded trailer who ranted at me to move the vehicle behind him “because I need loads of space” the space I allocated to him was the size of 3 vehicles and still he moaned! He seemed to want the WHOLE row and when I asked ‘how much did you pay’? he confirmed ONE POUND! The offensive GRUMPY OLD SOD just ruined it for everyone! Deal off, if he and the old Biddie and the Cider drinker want to abuse our systems like that by ‘looking a gift horse in the mouth’ then they have just spoiled it for everyone else, I can always be relied on to keep my cool but next Saturday our team and ourselves will be relaxing at home by 5.00pm away from the abuse of the absolute minority!

Newquay is one of our best location and thousands of people attend the weekly Car Boot Sales but with the old fart from Thursday and his abuse still ringing in our ears and the trio of nutters referred to above do spoil the events with their insulting behaviour for others and I will not tolerate offensive language to my teams nor to myself. Amen!
Here ended the lesson and Saturday night at 5.00pm at Newquay! Geoff

Price increase with immediate effect;
TRAILERS; From £4.00

So what makes a man of 18 stone want to threaten to beat up one of our regular customers who is obviously a very sick man. We have known him for years and he has always been polite and respectful to all of our team and certainly treats his customers with warmth and friendship. He was so upset about the threats of physical violence I was seriously concerned he would have a heart attack. Arlin took more verbal abuse from this fat sod that it is quite amazing a punch up was avoided. The man was suffering from a huge bout of verbal diarrhoea and I am certain he was not a local and certainly earns the award of Dickhead of the Season!

Now I turn to the lady seller of new sandals and flip flops who thought it was perfectly ok to set up stall and get slowly pissed on Cider whilst serving customers then to drive away into Newquay’s busy streets without a care in the world! For two weeks we have had complaints about this lady but we had to witness her drinking before we could take any action and sure enough yesterday she was caught red handed firstly denying drinking but the evidence was on the table with her current half can of Bulmer’s waiting to be slurped! How selfish and stupid she has been in denying herself the opportunity to sell at our 9 locations which I know was her main income! Her actions could easily have caused an accident and you can imagine the bad publicity ‘Drunk whilst leaving a Car Boot Sale’ with the press printing the story locally and nationally!

Whilst sounding off here are two other matters for your attention!
1. Drivers (mainly men) do not allow young children to sit on your lap and steer your car whilst parking up in the selling lanes, this amounts to gross stupidity and could easily cause a serious accident! Team members are instructed to tell any drivers who allow their kids to drive and steer cars at any of our Car Boot locations to do a U-TURN and GO HOME! Bloody idiots!
2. The law is the same law on private land as on the main roads regarding using your mobile phones (mainly the females) whist driving to park up and sell your goods and chattel’s! One lady yesterday got quite indignant because I refused to park her until she had finished her call which was holding up other sellers! NO-ONE is that important to have to believe they must hold a phone to their ears listening to and speaking a load of crap whilst driving at my Car Boots Sales to their selling spaces! Tut-tut ladies! Team members have been instructed to stop your car and you also can do a U-TURN and go home! Five years ago mobiles were a luxury now they are a pain in the arse, do what I do get a HANDS FREE phone so you can talk and pick your nose at the same time!

And finally, Well done to Arlin for being Mister Cool under extreme pressure and I am proud of the way I have trained him, as a gesture of goodwill he can have next Monday off, we will replace him with an extra bollard! Bet he goes to Smokey Joe’s for the day!!

Updated; 10th August;
So you think it is safe to go back into the water and nothing could be as bad as Saturday Bloody Saturday and with trepidation our team were ready for anything that could happen so with a group hug (the best part of the day for me) all over we got ready for the onslaught of the British public attending the Car Boot Sale at Newquay our Premier location. We parked up over 170 sellers giving them all plenty of space and the lady who we received complaints about drinking ‘plenty of cider ‘at her stall was parked well in view so we could monitor if the complaints were justified or not! The sellers were parked and started setting up their stalls and great queues of buyers were forming. About five minutes before the start time 3 late sellers arrived and I do not know the details as to what exactly happened but some big bloke we shall call Mr Thicko stood in the way of the late sellers refusing to move preventing the cars coming into the selling fields. Arlin was called to diffuse the situation but still Mr Thicko refused to move ending up actually punching one of the waiting cars! Eventually I went to speak to the fat sod to advise if you want to come into the Car Boot behave or you will be disallowed entry!

The horn starts the sale and within 15 minutes there are crowds in every lane and I get told the Mr Thicko was ‘having a go and threatening one of our sellers’ a man we have known for years and would not say ‘BOO’ to a goose! He is so polite he stands to attention when his wife tells him what to do and if you have seen his wife (day off for a hair-do estimate) you would understand what I am saying! Anyway Thicko is getting really nasty and polite Arlin is saying “Move away from this man’s stall” but fat Thicko is having none of it! As a precaution I take a picture of Thicko and despite Arlin’s effort to get Thicko to move he refuses so Arlin says I will have no alternative than to call the Police! Thicko then starts threatening Arlin who keeps his cool but I could see the whites of Arlin’s eyes which is a warning that he is getting thoroughly pissed off with Thicko.

Arlin is a school teacher who does a few days with us he is a cool calm and collected person but he also is security in one of Newquay’s night Clubs so potentially he can handle himself in a crisis but this Pillock is now threatening Arlin and the stallholder and he is sizing me up as the weakest link! (if he hits me I shall bleed all over his girlie pink shirt) We are concerned for the safety of the stall holder so I decide to call and brief the Police about this man’s aggressive character and behaviour and we are insisting he leaves the Car Boot Sale NOW!! Let me explain Thicko is about 18 stone and this entire incident is unfolding in front of his 12 year old son who is humiliated by his father’s aggravation and aggressiveness. Eventually Arlin convinces Thicko to walk towards the main gate away from the stall holder who is almost in tears and shaking uncontrollably! “Pull yourself together man” says I “you will have a wobbler if you don’t control yourself, you have one heart don’t let the Pillock know he has got through to you”

Thicko then tries to get Joey from the fruit and veg stall involved but our Joey is so Cornish Thicko couldn’t understand a bloody word Joey was saying so Thicko exits the gate just as the Police arrive! As Arlin walks toward the Policewoman to give his side of the story Thicko sticks his leg out deliberately trying to trip Arlin up as Arlin nearly falls into the arms of the Police lady who I have to admit was gorgeous (but then I didn’t have my glasses on so I could have been wrong)
Anyway Arlin gives our side of the story then Thicko falls out with the Policewoman taking her number saying he is going to go to the police station to report her for not doing her job properly!! He then comes to me to ask for a receipt for his 50p admission and starts laying the law down about reporting me to the Inland Revenue because he is a Tax Inspector.

By the way it is a criminal offence to impersonate and claim to be an Inland Revenue Inspector, the Police have Thicko’s car registration number. Now then I am not trying to tell the Police how to do their job but I do not think this man was an Income Tax Inspector so why don’t they arrest him for his impersonation and put the bugger in prison and throw the bloody key away! The knob!
Now then, I do not know what job he does but he must be a right arsehole as a working colleague. Then another police car arrives and eventually Thicko departs the Circus Fields having wasted over an hour with his aggressiveness and nasty personality! We never have trouble at our boot sales but this guy had a face like a burst boil and he seriously reminded me of that ‘fat brat’ baby who weighed in at 13 pound eight ounces known as the fattest babe ever who was born yesterday! Just one thing though, I reckon the baby had more intelligence!

Next we had a girl of ten who had lost her Mummy so I bought her an Ice Cream to shut her up then she found her mum then she came back with one of her sisters saying she had lost her mum again obviously looking for another Ice Cream then some poor little girl broke her arm and was taken to hospital and then and only then we noticed the Cider lady with her six pack of cider gently slurping away on the last can GOTCHA and BARRED over and out! Apart from that we had a lovely day but the punch line of old FATSO Mr Thicko was that Arlin was so annoyed he had missed three FAG BREAKS which added three days to his life! Oh and try reading this when you have had a few fags and a 6 pack of Cider! KEN DODDS DADS DOGS DIED DEAD! My lovers! Lovely tourists here today from all parts of the country!
Geoff

We know the majority of our customers appreciate the efforts our teams make to ensure the smooth running of our Car Boot Sales so with trepidation we arrived for the first Car Boot of the day knowing full well that the forecast is going against us at some time during the day and it’s going to rain and it’s all going to be OUR fault! Over 40 sellers arrived to sell at Truro where we had decided to hold the event on the front fields. Sellers are shown to their selling spaces at precisely 8.30am which has been the system for many years and this jumped up little twerp of an excuse of a man we shall call Mr Hideous Shorts (which reminded me of my second mother in laws dreadful curtains from the 70s) comes up to demand ‘what is the holdup’ and I explain it is an 8.30 start but of course he knows better and starts quoting from our website which I personally take pride in updating daily saying ‘it says on your website it starts at 8.00am’ The runty man makes a real fool of himself in front of the regular buyers and queuing sellers who all knew the procedures, to make absolutely sure my facts were right I asked Rachel and my grandson Aaron to check on the Internet on their mobiles to look at my website to ensure my facts were right and Mr know-all Hideous Shorts was wrong, wrong and wrong again the SMF!

I parked up the sellers at precisely 8.30am parking him nearest the gate when he gets our his mobile almost shoving it into my face quoting from completely another website which ghosts our information and of course the information is wrong, wrong, wrong! Then the Pillock tells me he is going to Wadebridge later and is going to complain about me to the boss of Car Boots Cornwall because ‘I know him personally’ he claims! I look at his stall which quite honestly looked full of toot so as a putdown line I said “I wouldn’t go there if I were you Wadebridge doesn’t buy that sort of CRAP” Bingo that really got him going!! Next I blow the horn to start the sale and guess what? All of the sellers and I do mean around 200 in the first rush rushed past his stall and didn’t even look at his stall!

What goes around comes around my lovers but he was not contented with my advice he decides to go to Wadebridge and whinges on to our steward from the Rotary Club who helps us parking that he needs more time to set up his stall so he needs to ‘go in early’ and lo and behold the Rotary man parks him in the worst space in the entire field and when the sale starts again he was given a complete lack of interest in his stall by another set of buyers! I have such a soft spot for idiots like this it is called a sewerage farm but that was just the start of the day so join me in the ‘main event of the day MITCHELL where nothing was more guaranteed than it would rain VERY HEAVILLY at some part of the afternoon and of course it would be all our fault!

Timed to absolute perfection I parked up just over 120 sellers with my team whilst hundreds of buyers waited and ten minutes before the sale was about to start I took my hat off to mop my brow when I felt spots of rain! (Bald headed men always feel the rain first) Oh shit! Without further ado I did fire the horn to start the sale and the crowds did rush in and within minutes the heavens did open and did piss down very heavily on the assembled crowds and lo and behold I did piss myself laughing my lovers! You should have seen the pandemonium at the sight of a drop of rain, men were deserting their wives and rushing back to their cars, kids were crying, wives were getting blamed sellers were shoving stuff back into their boots, our staff donned their waterproof hi-visibilities jackets and we watched helpless as the scene unfolded! Some of the real dealers saw this as a great opportunity to buy some real bargains but everyone was rushing about as though a tsunami had occurred in typical British fashion ‘Lets’ all act like idiots shall we’? People’s clothing was getting absolutely soaked through to the skin as blokes wearing T Shirts were now showing ‘see thru T shirts with some men displaying erect freezing and hardened nipples (very sexy) most of them with beer bellies but they were looking at me as though it was entirely my fault, so they left the sale to head back home where it was probably pissing down there as well!

And then the unbelievable happened! A lovely lady of about 28 mother of three kids had come to the Boot Sale with her mother in law when she came to the me and said “I am in real trouble I have locked my keys in the car and my mobile is on the seat and I cannot get in because all the doors are locked” This happens at least once a week but in this ladies case she did not know her husband’s phone number so Rachel spent ages on her phone trying to locate the husband eventually tracking him down to a pub! The lady was given the phone when she explained to the husband what had happened asking him to bring or send the duplicate key to her and the absolute bastard said ‘That’s your fucking problem and slammed the phone down on her’ I followed her to the car where his mother was standing at the stall drenched and we told her what had happened and mother admitted her son was ‘an absolute shit’!! What wonderful divorce evidence I mused!

Determined to help the lady in such distress I called Ian to ask him to assist with the problem and within minutes he had managed to prize the door ajar whilst putting in a length of wire to lift the catch securing the locked door and BINGO the car was open! We normally have some pretty rotten incidents but this one beat the lot! I am not lost for words but to think this young lady and her mother in law had come to the boot sale to raise money to spend on her three children in the pouring rain whilst her rat-faced husband gets pissed in a pub is beyond belief, may he also rot in the same sewerage farm as Mr Hideous Shorts!!

During this ordeal only 40 stalls remained with the hardened and determined sellers well supported with ‘free admission buyers’ So I proudly walked around the remaining stalls giving the sellers a £3.00 off voucher for their next Car Boot. The sale started at 1.00pm and the field was deserted by 3.15pm if you were there it was adventurous but it amazes me the antics we Brits get up to when there is a dash of rain with loads of you treating it like ‘the end of the world’ You bunch of nutters, if the cap fits wear it!!

I have already referred to Wadebridge however when Lou arrived the main part of the Showground had been taken over by the American God Squad Creation Fest who do not approve of Car Boot Sales despite Lou telling them there WAS definitely a Car Boot Sale on! Whilst she continued to organise the sellers the stupid organisers of the Creation Fest went around to all of our directional signs and covered them with black bin liners and others were thrown into the hedges, their reasoning for this was last year we put our signs on display and most of the visitors came away from their bible pumping American hosts to enjoy and spend money on our Car Boot Sale where sellers recorded fantastic takings! Thou shalt not deprive the people of our blessed Cornwall the rights to attend our open air Church of CAR BOOTS CORNWALL my lovers!

And finally, as a gesture of GOODWILL I arranged to have leaflets printed that allowed sellers at our 5.00pm Newquay Car Boot Sale to sell at the stunning reduced price of only ONE POUND providing they brought the leaflet with them which we thought was a charitable gesture. Our lovely Rachel went around collecting the rents, as customers know we give registered charities half price stalls and Rachel was absolutely STUNNED when one stall offered only 50pence claiming they were a registered charity! Well there is no harm in trying but that is what I call a bloody cheek and so did Rachel who felt like getting the full selling price of six quid for the cheek! And finally, finally we had a complaint about a lady who was drunk on her stall and was drinking cans of CIDER whilst selling but why wait till after the lady had gone? Thou shalt not drink spirits or beer or cider at any of our events otherwise I shall involve the Police!! But I did end up the day laughing as one mother Sylvia had her 3 year old son helping her sell and mummy sold some of the lads toys and the lad went mad with the buyer screaming “no mummy you can’t sell my toys mummy” so he ends up having a fight with the purchaser trying to grab back the toys that had just been paid for. The little brat but then what a rotten Mummy (I would have sold the kid as well)
What a lovely day it was, home for a shower!

Geoff

X

The weather forecast according to the BBC looks like we are going to have two Sundays in the rain however we did go ahead last week with our 60 sellers taking good money also the buyers did well.
Back to Saturdays at 9.00am (sellers from 8.00am) this is a nice relaxed Car Boot Sale where we have known lots of the buyers and sellers for many years some of them are really ageing in particular Sonny husband of Cher who embarrassingly has to carry some of Cher’s weird purchases back to the car, take a look at the pictures especially something that look like a basket lamp which should be saved for Guy Fawkes night! I worry about Cher although she is receiving treatment! The bearded gent we have known forever but we have forgotten his name so I will add it for next week, sorry mate!

Now then, we have the last week on Saturdays at Newquay at 5.00pm and I decided as a gesture of goodwill which causes me financial loss to give ALL sellers chance to sell for only ONE POUND that’s correct! However if you do NOT have a leaflet to hand back to us it will cost you the normal price!
Welcome to the Orthodox Jewish community who are here again for their Summer vacations enjoy yourselves and spend plenty of money please less of course the usual 10 per cent my lovers!

Enjoy your weekend, mine’s a pint please Marge!!
Love you all ish! Geoff x

Several pictures!

Was this the best story of the week?

Many of our customers were sick to death of the story about some royal boy born to some commoner, this kid will eventually take over the throne of what is left of our country and by the time that happens the majority of us will be long dead and buried my lovers. Most of the people I spoke to analyse their thoughts on the subject said the BBC and other television stations with the entire press had gone completely over the top with their crawl arse coverage by cancelling favourite programme to over kill the story. The bottom line of this boring story was our customers thought it was all a whole load of CRAP and far from the reality of most people’s lives.

Now then, let’s take a trip to Manchester and Mc Donald’s where on the same day as the royal birth a woman Shirley Knott (S.Knotty) and daughter arrived with horse whip fully saddled up and garbed in her tight riding breeches and high visibility clothing on horseback stopping at the drive thru kiosk amongst the fumes from cars queuing to be served and asking the cashier “Please may I have two Mc Donald’s burger and two cokes” the staff member said “Neigh I am sorry, I cannot serve you” no reason was given so the woman accompanied by daughter with her pony were reluctant to accept the refusal and decided ‘let’s dismount and try the front entrance restaurant’
In they go ‘clipperty clopping’ through the front doors much to the alarm of customers sitting eating their salty chips and tasteless burgers the woman asks at the counter “Please may I have two burgers and two cokes” and again they were refused to be served. The horse Dumper we will call for the sake of this story decides if they do not serve us “I will just do a crap on the floor” and with no further ado and lo and behold Dumper lifts his tail emitting an eggy fart then he empties his bowels onto Mc Donald’s shiny floor as it splattered into a large pile causing chaos and a comparable smell to the pre-cooked pile of burgers being sold over the counter to horseless people!

Two old biddies were so overcome by the sight of the horse taking a dump in Mc Donald’s of all places one of them Vera Mc Gossip collapses into a heap whilst her biddy mate searches her handbag for smelling salts but the whole event was causing ‘alarm and distress’ to other customers and so the Police were called by assistant manager Peter Dung while the rest of the staff stopped working refusing to serve other customers. The old biddy that had collapsed was brought round by the smell of the horse crap whilst her mate said the pile on the floor looked more appetising than the burgers they had just eaten and considers taking some home in a carrier bag for her old man’s Roses?
PCs Plop and B. Jobbie arrives and to investigate and to their surprise they witness the horse & pony standing at the counter still demanding to be served and they both decide ‘this is causing alarm and distress to the customers but we cannot arrest the horse and pony for Christ’s sake where would we put the handcuffs’?

Anyway Shirley Knott was issued with a fixed penalty notice and departed the restaurant still hungry and forty quid the worse off. They were later seen in Burger King where the manager allowed them to be served their take-away burgers and cokes and everyone was crappy happy!
Now then, a few weeks ago I bitched on about the horses that belong mainly to spoilt brat schoolgirls! These garden furniture horse & ponies stand in fields forgotten and unloved, I have watched and studied these animals who have absolutely nothing to do all day with the exception of deciding ‘which blade of grass will I eat to today’?

January 2012 Have you ever got up during the night busting for a pee? You wake up at some ungodly hour then you stumble to the loo and stand there at the Shanks pyjama trousers round your ankles and you stand and wait and wait and nothings happens. About seven days before we went on our holidays I had the rotten experience of secretly (don’t tell the wife) going to the doctors to say ‘I believe I am suffering from what you would call urine retention’ which in layman’s terms means my bladder is full and I am busting for a pee! After examination the Doctor suggested I should go to hospital for tests however I explained I was going on holiday within days so he agreed to an alternative plan with a course of pills that would take a few days to take effect ‘In the meantime Geoff you will have a few days discomfort’ which was an understatement! I drove home thinking ‘do not for Christ’s sake tell her indoors’ my loving wife because if she knew it would ruin the holiday, trained by her Mother how to react in these circumstances she would see my problem as something she would stage manage from the minute I told her so I decided to suffer in silence. I started the pills immediately and as we prepared for the holiday I knew I was ‘some gonna suffer’ because carrying a full bladder and suitcases acting as though ‘there’s nothing wrong with me dear’ will not be easy. The four hour flight to Malta was sheer murder cramped up in those stupid small seats and being put on the window side by my wife ‘so you can look at the clouds dear’ (condescending old rat-bag) did not help matters at all as I played ‘excuse me dances’ throughout the flight visiting the also cramped up bog five or six times with not a pee in sight! “Are you all right you seem very quiet” Lou was to repeat several times ‘Yes I’m fine my lovely I will be thinking a lot about next season so if I’m quiet don’t worry I am so looking forward to a complete rest for a few days’ the real truth was I was in agony and short tempered into the bargain. We really love holidays and everywhere we go we like to learn all about a different part of Europe and its cultures but on the way from the Malta Airport to the Hotel we watched the traffic and some pretty dreadful driving. No BLUE PASSES here for the disabled I thought just a few mad drivers trying to create disabilities so we decided not to take up the car hire we had previously arranged which was a good excuse as sitting in the crouch position busting for a pee driving in a strange country did not appeal to me at all, instead we decided to walk everywhere ‘looking for Loo’s’ no doubt! The night times were dreadful Lou slept through it all while I suffered having to contend with bladder ache and her snoring! Several years ago her Mum and Dad stayed at our house and I was woken up with the unbelievable sounds of their heavy snoring two doors away accompanied by Lou as I mused in their distant lives they probably descended from British bulldogs! By day 4 of the pills they started taking effect and things were slightly better so we enjoyed seeing Malta and using the fantastic leisure facilities at the hotel. Whilst Lou went to her yoga classes I studied the decorating of toilet walls on all floors 1 to 12 but by the end of the week things got a bit more comfortable so I could not wait to return to the doctor to see ‘what’s next’ He prescribed a further course of tablets advising I would have to come back to surgery in seven days time with a FULL BLADDER to take a ‘PEE test’ which means you pee into this tube and the strength of your pee is measured to determine if the matter has to be referred to hospital. The Doctor reminded ‘Don’t forget a FULL BLADDER’ I decided it was time to tell Lou, immediately her face clicked into’ funeral mode’ She ranted on a bit about me keeping secrets to which I said ‘that is the reason I didn’t tell you, silly moo I will be all right and I bet I pass the test’ In the morning I took her breakfast (still eating) and the nags started! “Don’t forget you have got to drink all day, what have you had to drink so far today and I will take to the doctors” ‘No you bloody well won’t I will take myself’ I did exactly what the Doctor and now Dr Lou (the wife) had advised and arrived with a ‘bursting bladder’ I gave my name at reception saying I had an appointment with the nurse to which the receptionist said “I am sorry Mr Wiles she is running about half an hour late” She is WHAT! OMG! WTF! I thought ‘But I have a full bladder test I pleaded do you mind if I wait outside’? My sense of humour returned ‘this is seriously taking the piss my bladder feels like a boiling kettle’ standing in the car park hopping from one foot to the other to relieve the burning sensation and avoiding setting eyes on arriving patients in the hope that I would prevent someone asking “What time does Truro start Geoff or when’s the end of season”? Trying to take my mind off the subject I found the painted car parking lines a challenge as I tiptoed around the spaces giving myself an ‘am I drunk test’ anything to occupy my mind away from the additional half hour wait but constantly kept looking across at reception to await being called. The nurse eventually came ‘follow me’ through the waiting room where it seems all 7 people had watched me in the car park acting like a lunatic. “I am sorry to have held you up” (So am I) she then told me how the test would happen. “You will need to have a pee into that bowl there which will be measured by quantity and speed and I will go into next door to wait until you have finished. By now I was severely stressed out as she departs to another room I broke my zip in the hurry to conduct the test where I was being judged on ‘IT’S HOW FAST CAN YOU PEE TIME’ ever ready for the test to start my effort was abysmal with a slight trickle then nothing!! Nothing, nothing, nothing as the nurse knocked on the door to ask ‘Is there a problem’? “No go away for a few more minutes” I begged as the floods started and I peed contentedly for what seemed forever and ever the relief put an instant grin upon my face I could hear music in the distance and thought ‘I bet I pass this test’! Nurse came back to measure the quantity and quality and speed of my deflated bladder, what a lovely job I thought but that’s probably taking the piss out of her work, bless her! Next day I was anxious for the Doctor to tell me the test went ok only to be told ‘You did not do so good yesterday’ I reminded him the nurse was running half an hour late and with a full bladder “I am amazed I didn’t take a pee in the hedge”! Several weeks and pills galore later I felt better and got the ‘all clear’ from the doctor the ordeal was over; my Lou could put her funeral face away for another occasion. The seriousness of this saga is that at the same time I started my ‘cannot pee’ fiasco up country Lou’s Professor father was going through a similar experience only the tests proved positive for cancer! Following months of most uncomfortable therapy the cancer was treated and I am pleased to report he also has been now given the ‘all clear’ Bottom line; the pills worked for me so lads if you have problems similar to this don’t suffer in silence have the balls to go and see the doctor but for a peaceful life ‘Do not tell the wife’ And finally, taking all into consideration we had booked the holiday through the internet and it was great. The Hilton 5 Star Hotel half board with amazing food and for the stunning winter reduced price of six hundred quids including flights. Malta is a lovely country at peace with itself and one of the only countries we have been where the locals seem to really like us Brits and are pleased with their historical links over many years with our United Kingdom! Geoff X