Here we have a review from Sarah about the trilogy of books 50 Shades. She has convinced me NOT to read it but I somehow think that she and millions of other lady readers will go to see the film or better still have a copy to watch in the privacy of their own homes. I have yet to hear from anyone who really liked the book apart from Lady Lynn of double glazing fame who has reccommended Rosie to play the starring role!

Thank you Sarah 9/10

Geoff

x

Morning Geoff!

Hmm, don’t think I should plan a career as a book critic just yet, it’s harder than it looks! Hope it gives you a giggle, though I fear I’m far too cynical to do it justice.

Have a good day x

Sarah

Fifty (Shags) Shades of Grey … A Review

Sweet, innocent virgin with limited life experience and even more limited vocabulary meets screwed-up control freak who likes spanking women that resemble his mother. Oh sorry, I’ve just given away the entire plot. Or I would have, if there was one.

I had to read it, how could I not, when the entire female population of the Western world was swooning over the marvellous Christian Grey? I had to find out what I was missing!

As it turned out, not much. He’s not marvellous, he’s completely unbelievable, not to mention weird. Young, rich and pretty but very, very weird. Don’t let him to meet your mother, he might want to spank her too. There, that’s ruined your breakfast, hasn’t it?

Ana, the hapless, hopeless heroine of this sorry tale, just made me cross. Get a life, girl! I wanted to give her a damned good shake, her and her smug “Inner Goddess”. Mine stuck around for the first couple of chapters, then got bored and went down the pub. Think I should have gone with her.

Fifty Shades started life as something from the Twilight stable, but ended up as Mills & Boon with whips. I’m sure it wasn’t meant to make me laugh but, quite honestly, the sex scenes sounded suspiciously like the writer had no experience of the activities described. Flat, dull and monotonously repetitive, it read like a 16-year-old’s homework. Shakespeare it is not.

However, although this book is about as stimulating as Sunday lunch with the in-laws, and I frequently wanted to hurl it across the room, I have to admit that actually I couldn’t put it down. There’s something horribly fascinating about it but, having now read all three books, I still can’t tell you what that is. I have no idea.

Read it anyway, you know you want to. I’m not sure there are 50 shags in it, to be honest, but you’ll be so bored by the tenth you won’t care. The sequels, Fifty Shades Darker and Fifty Shades Freed, are in much the same vein but you won’t need to concentrate too much, they’re both so predictable you’ll be able to carry on regardless. I hope it’s never turned into a film, that would just ruin it completely!

Sarah.

x

If you have any ideas that may work at our Car Boot Sales (not catering) send me an email for us to consider!
Our target of 350,000 visits to our events this year is well on course despite the crap weather.

Ann Summers road-show would be considered but dont tell Hopalong Lou!

Hello Sarah,

What a lovely email, how can I resist?

I do not have any problems with you setting up your stall at any of our locations however the truth is that we will allow Market Traders at our Car Boot Sales but we are selective in the type of Market stalls and stallholders we allow.

Our 3 busiest Car Boot Sales at present when the weather allows are; MITCHELL, MABE, NEWQUAY Circus Fields on Tuesdays/Thursdays. You are welcome to set up at any of our events and we wish you success with your venture Silverdale Jewellery at Car Boots Cornwall.

Thank you,

Kindest regards,

Geoff Camden Wiles
www.carbootscornwall.co.uk

ps; Nothing wrong with Ann Summers my lover!

From:
To:
Subject: Silverdaze Jewellery at Car Boots Cornwall
Date: Wed, 22 Aug 2012 03:20:03 -0700

The following message has been sent via the website:

Name: Sarah Barnes
Email:
Subject: Silverdaze Jewellery at Car Boots Cornwall
Message: Good morning Geoff, I wonder if you might be amenable to me trading at one or two of your sales? I am the only Silverdaze franchisee in the South West, I normally sell on the “party plan” basis (like Pampered Chef and Ann Summers but without the high prices and, erm … well it’s not THAT kind of party, shall we say!), and also at fetes, fairs, workplaces and country shows (when the weather doesn’t kill them). However, with the economic climate being as it is lately, I’ve tried Pendeen Car Boot at Stratton a couple of times and done amazingly well, so when I found your website I realised there might be another avenue available to me. I know you don’t have traders at all your sales, but I’d be interested in trying a couple where you do. I’m particularly interested in Padstow but am not sure if you allow traders there – although it doesn’t say yes or no, the price for traders is given as “N/A” I have a Facebook page www.facebook.com/Silverdaze.Cornwall where you can have a look at the kind of set-up I trade from – I have a 3x3m gazebo and a Vauxhall Zafira (which is rather inconveniently slightly longer than the tent).

I have PL insurance and a very useful mobile credit card machine. Whilst writing, may I say that your website is a credit to you and Lou, it inspires great confidence that the sales are run in the same efficient and businesslike manner. I have spent hours reading “Geoff says” and learned an awful lot in between crying with laughter! I hope to hear from you, and look forward to becoming part of the happy CBC family. Best wishes Sarah Barnes Silverdaze Jewellery

IP Logged As: 86.168

Please note; I have deleted some or part of Sarah’s address, if you wish to contact her I will forward your details.

Use your REFRESH button if you have us on your FAVOURITES..!

We are so proud of our wedsite and then we get some Nerdy’s tell us we have done it wrong which is a load of b..ll…s most of the time!

This writer is on the winning side for me he has already admitted he’s an idiot! Fair Play to CARL!!

Carl,

A lot of our customers do the same as you have by putting CBC as your favourites, all you have to do is click the refresh half circle on the address bar and your system will give you the most updated version. If it does not work write again.

Regards,

Geoff

18/08/2012

To

The following message has been sent via the website:

Name: carl leadbetter
Email: cornwallisbett.com
Subject: Web Page
Telephone: 01637 000??9

Message: Can you add the current or effective date on your page and in particular your news flash. You’ve got postings more than a year old on the home page, which is confusing. I ignored the news flash thinking I was looking at old data and went to Mitchell this morning!! You need to cater for idiots like me!

IP Logged As: 212.139.

This is a true story and thank-you to all those compliments about Geoff Says…..Love you all.

You will remember the complaint letter I got from a Mr Burns about my offensive and arrogant manner (yup-that’s me) on the subject of Blue Passes he was most upset that I copied his email into my blog with my own comments. He demanded that I take the email out of our website and threatened me with legal action if I don’t (still waiting) however I have got to ask people not to send offensive email supporting me to someone who objects to anything I have said, they are entitled to an opinion likewise I am entitled to reply in my ‘offensive and arrogant manner’ please or offend!

On Friday fate took its hand in our own life it was as if GOD was paying me back for being an uncaring shit-bag. We got back from the Falmouth Car Boot as it was such a nice day Lou decided on a barbeque whilst I got the signs ready for a busy Saturday of 3 Car Boots Truro, Mitchell and Wadebridge.
Lou called to say the meal was ready and I joined her for the barbie to find she has trodden onto a roofing screw which went through her cork sandal piercing into her flesh which bled profusely almost re-staining the decking from dark brown to blood. Bloody charming I thought we get two days of decent weather and she’ll want to throw a sicky!
Lou is the absolute drama queen (trained by Mother) at the sight of blood especially hers and I knew immediately I was to become a doting butler whilst she lived out the next few days. I mopped up the floor and cleaned up her foot whilst she ate her meal (still eating-never stops) and the actual damage done to her foot was the size of a matchstick head! Its WIMP time again in the WILES household with the meal ruined (mine) I carried her into the house where she acted the complete ‘I am disabled’ person with a poorly foot. My reaction was “shall I apply for one of those BLUE PASSES dear” which was ignored. Shades of Mother-in-Law looks were thrown at me so I immediately came to the conclusion that not only has she lost her sense of humour and the use of her foot and probably both bloody legs by the morning won’t work lets blame Geoff! “Go for it Lou but I warn you are STILL working tomorrow” however I didn’t have the balls to say it out loud! “Can I help you get undressed dear or would you like a spoon full of ACETONE dear’ was met with an immediate ‘I am going to bed’ and with an Oscar performance she stumbled out of the room earning a 9 point six on the RICHTAR scale for overacting!

On Saturday morning I took breakfast to her in bed (still eating) I have to admit she looked a bit off colour so suggested before we go out ‘let’s try the foot out for a little exercise when you get up I thought a run hop along the corridor a couple of times might show us how bad it is’ which ended up hilarious as she screamed in agony as I ran her up and down much to the amusement of Nana Moon and yours truly! It had broken the stony face into forced laughter, sense of humour at last!

We got to Truro parking near the buyers and I watched Lou do her debut ‘I don’t know how to limp but how does this look’ as she hobbled from one foot to the other. The‘sympathy vote’ she had played for from all and sundry had worked “What have you done to your foot Lou” and “how did he do that to you Lou” then all the medical advice “Should get a tetanus” “Get it x-rayed Lou” and “Fancy him making you work, that’s disgusting” “He’s a heartless Barst” with Marge saying “ You take good care of her Geoff you are so lucky” So WHAT?
In the meantime I am looking around the stalls for a ZIMMER frame or a pair of crutches for a laugh but I could only find a regular lady seller who uses one crutch so I offered “If I will give you a £3.00 off voucher if I can borrow your crutch” to which her toffee nosed husband shouted “I beg your pardon you dirty old bugger” I grabbed the lady’s crutch offering it to Lou, her face suddenly turned into Queen Victoria’s “I am not effing amused” I am pleased I didn’t actually give it to her because I feel sure she would have given it back across my bleeding head!
The horn was blasted blasted for Truro to start and Lou joined the crowds looking for bargains the ‘limp’ suddenly and miraculously forgotten.

At Mitchell she became almost part of the advance party for the Paralympics as she heroically collected the rents telling all the sellers ‘How it happened’ by the time she had got to Wadebridge she had got the limp so disorganised she looked as though she was auditioning for I’m Jake the peg with my extra leg’ Deep down I admired the way in which she took the self inflicted pain trouble is she had no idea which leg to limp on. What amazes me is how many figging experts there are amongst our crowds as they try to add their bit of advice or they know of ‘someone who nearly died when they stood on a rake’ or ‘get it seen to before it has to be amputated dear’
Bottom line! She never CRIED once a minor miracle but she did manage to spend two and a half hours on Sunday briefing Mother (head office) of the drama not one word of credit for my efforts and devoted services to keep her alive and overfed only criticism of my warped sense of humour! I must get her supper after I have done the ironing; she says it hurts her foot standing (so sit down and iron dear) but when I offered her Sunday off she declined. At MABE she collected the rents and when the sale started was only able to look at 2 of the sellers aisles and then retire to the car knackered so I replaced her work with two bollards which I found to be more efficient!

Monday morning with the pain easing a mid-day appointment at the doctors and the tetanus injection advised by all and sundry did the trick! Back to the GOD bit Lou said “If GOD had done the job properly it would have been YOU that stood on the BLOODY nail” She has such a callous attitude at times but I love her-ish she is the best wife I have had so far! Still looking! On behalf of Lou thank you to all those who asked how she was, please no more ‘get well cards’ I am in enough trouble already! She is a real love it makes her the centre attention of my life perhaps when she reads this and two next stories she may change her mind!
FOOTNOTE; I know it is not fun being disabled but some people do over dramatise their disabilities and lack the sense of humour needed about their inactivity so it ends up with someone else getting the blame, in our household it’s always ME!
You have one life! Live it!!
Geoff

2 Pictures;
When she sees the OSCAR I could be in trouble!
X

WIPEOUT of 4 Car Boot Sales due to the dreadful weather conditions. I had hoped we would be able to use the Circus Fields on Saturday but with the arrival of the Fairground and the CIRCUS also SCOTT MAY on Sunday it would be unreasonable for us to bring up to 800 vehicles to the grounds on Saturday.

I am pig-sick for everyone involved in our business including Landlords, Caterers, Our Teams and you the buyers and sellers who all miss out on important incomes over the next few days.

All we can offer you is TRURO on Saturday at 10.00 am sellers from 9.00 am

Sorry,

Geoff & Lou
x

Over the past two week several hundred Orthodox Jews and their families have been attending their annual conference at the Penryn Tremough Campus. I was able to talk to most of them whom I recognised from previous years and on the last day one of the men came up and said “Are you Geoff” He complimented me of the fabulous website saying it had been a great help to their community who adored CORNWALL CAR BOOT SALES attending all of them (apart from Saturdays)and they certainly are great spenders.

During the conversation he introduced me to his five young good looking kids whilst Mumma searched the stalls for last minute bargains. He then told me they lived in the Hackney area of London and how they were persecuted by other ethnic minority groups some of them throwing stones at the children who had brought their bicycles to Cornwall because neighbours at home would try to push them off the bikes or set their aggressive dogs on to them!
I felt heart sick for them as a family that they should have to tolerate this type of vile behaviour as they suffer in silence.

Before my new friends departed Father asked me to thank all of the people in Cornwall they had met in particular at our Car Boot Sales for the very kind and decent way in which they have been treated and they had had a most happy holiday amongst a great COMMUNITY and his COMMUNITY were most appreciative of our wonderful CORNWALL
So are we my lovers, so are we!
2 pictures;

ps; Can my jewish friend please write to me he did say he looks at the website and he is a computer designer.

I am asking all buyers and sellers to keep an eye open for the sale of this MAC ‘fake’ face make-up and let myself Lou or any member of our team know. It is possible the make-up is being sold at other locations like Hayle & Rosudgeon.

Hello Emma,

Thank you for your email and we appreciate you drawing this to our attention, I have asked Louise to carry out checks to look out for this seller and if we do find your facts are correct then we will take immediate action and report the matter to TRADING STANDARDS who would want to take action against this type of selling.
Thank you,
Geoff

As soon as we have any further information I will contact you however I would ask for you to let me know how much you paid for the alleged ‘fake make-up’ I would also like your permission to put your email into Geoff Says column to warn other potential buyers and also other Car Boot sellers and buyers to look out for this stall so we can take our own action against this type of trading.

Thank you again for this warning.

Kindest regards,

Geoff Camden Wiles
www.carbootscornwall.co.uk

We would not reproduce your entire email address.

——————————————————————————–
From:
To:
Subject: Warning, fake make up being sold
Date: Mon, 13 Aug 2012 07:15:52 -0700

The following message has been sent via the website:

Name: Emma Jones
Email:
Subject: Warning, fake make up being sold
Message: Hi Geoff and Louise, Would just like to bring to your attention that I attended Mabe yesterday and bought some designer make up which has turned out to be fake. There was a lady on a non-market stall selling the usual car boot type stuff but then she had a box of MAC lipglosses in the middle of her table. I bought several different shades from her, they looked very authentic but when I got home and applied them they actually burned my lips and they are still tingling now nearly a day later! I had a quick look online and these particular shades that she sold are well known fakes. There are other tell-tale signs that they are fake, namely the smell which is like lemon washing up liquid! Please warn anyone who may have bought these not to use them as I do feel they could be harmful, who knows what is in them. Best wishes Emma Jones

IP Logged As: 193.35.158.40

A very polite young batchelor of Penryn College 13 year told me he had taken part in a competition for designing a T/Shirt and for publicity he asked if I would take his picture and put it on this website. I took the picture showed it to him he approved but the picture is lost from my camera.

The black T/Shirt he designed was against drugs what a nice gesture so I asked him ‘what drugs’ and he replied CANNABIS! Steady on lad or do you want my Caribbean friends to have a quiet word with you?
It was’nt your picture that broke the camera was it?
Andrew, come and see me again and we will re-do the picture to show everyone what a good looking lad (ish) you are-for your age!

Geoff

Lovely day nice people and great BARGAINS at Newquay’s Thursday Car Boot Community Sale attended by up to 4000 people.

In the mail box today. These puppies looked less than 6 weeks and certainly not old enough to be away from their mum! If you see anyone trying to sell animals at our Car Boot Sales please inform any member of our teams. Thank you.
Geoff

Hello Sarah,

A man asked me at the early part of the afternoon before the Car Boots Sale started if he could sell puppies and I actually refused him entrance because of his request.
The sale started at 12.30 pm and I received a complaint that two puppies were being offered at £100.00 each, I found a lady and small child going amongst the stalls trying to sell the puppies. I warned that it was against the law and CBC rules and we watched the couple leave with two puppies.

Our rules state absolutely NO animals are to be sold at our sales please rest assured we enforce these rules however I can assure you that no puppies were sold this afternoon at Falmouth Rugby Club.

Kind regards,

Geoff Camden Wiles
www.carbootscornwall.co.uk

——————————————————————————–
Subject: Falmouth Rugby Club Car Boot
Date: Fri, 10 Aug 2012 14:53:37 +0100
From:
To:
CC:

Dear Sir,

I have received a complaint today of puppies being offered for sale at the car boot in Falmouth. It appears a litter of Labrador / German Shepherd puppies were offered to members of the public at £150.

I note in your own rules you don’t allow the sale of animals so I am making you aware that this has happened and asking you stay vigilant in future.

Kind regards

Sarah-Jane Brown CMIOSH
Commercial Food and Safety Officer
Public Health and Protection
Cornwall Council
Tel: 01872 224797