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Recently I watched a news item where sparrows and pigeons were feeding from the ground when a seagull joined in grabbed hold of one of the sparrows and in two gulps it had become a Swallow! I felt outraged about this particularly as there is such a decline in the population of sparrows.
Two nights’s later surfing the Internet I watched a video of five boys mixing up loaves of stale bread and cakes with bicarbonate of soda and laxative powders! Content they watched as the seagulls swooped down to devour the feast of their forthcomings SHITS! The birds took off but could not gain height as they started flying around in circles redecorating the houses and people with their instant pebble dash crap including the lads who had prepared the meal. I pissed myself laughing, bad lads!

Now we are into the main season some of the holiday makers do not realize the menace of these birds and throw food down whilst eating at our Catering outlets, in no time we have up to 20 birds screeching for food and landing on the tables even worse going through the rubbish bins frightening a lot of people including the kids!
It’s time for a culling to reduce the Seagull population in Cornwall, if you do not agree how would you like it if a bloody great Seagull craps all over you and your food! Lovely sauce dear!

However I have partially resolved the problem by using a starting pistol that has the immediate effect of sending the birds high into the skies only to return minutes later. Please DO NOT FEED THE SEAGULLS if you do you deserve to have it delivered back to you from a height! Shite!
Geoff.
I say it like it is please or offend my lovers!

Click on picture!

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50 SHADES of GREY

50 SHAGS of GREY
Over the last few weeks women of all ages who attend our sales have in some way made comments about this phenomenally successful trilogy of books but our crowd generally are not over-impressed. I have not read the book relying on Lou to tell me the highlights but she objected to ‘the contract’ idea and when she got to the details about nipple clamps and fisting it was all a turn-off and she doesn’t particularly want to read parts 2 & 3 (but I bet she does) I think it’s a bit over the top when you have to say to your partner “Shall we get the nipple clamps out again dear”? or “Let’s get fisting Darling” I knew of someone in Newcastle who ‘did a fisting’ with a boxing glove on, imagine making love immediately after, it would be like throwing a sausage up Boscawen Street!

My dear Marge read the book on my behalf and I am reliably informed by Richard her so well trained husband she became ‘chirpier’ and a smidgen bit more demanding in the bedroom!

However in her day she remembers a ‘good old fashioned quick fumble in the back row of the cinema’ so do I Marge, so do I, and when the lights went up in the interval you realised what an ugly person you had been snogging on with! However she enjoyed the book calling it a HOOT she leaned plenty (hardly likely at her age) but has decided not to put any of her new learning’s into practice. She has become so regal and nice lately a real friend of the car boots, I remember when she was Miss Whiplash of the 60s but that’s another story!
Love yer Marge.
x

ps; The only marital aids I have is the hoist above the bed and a jump start!

2 pictures;

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A very-very nice man!

My Name is DOUCHE how do you do! Now you GONNA die!

Do you remember the man who wrote to ask “What was the biggest Car Boot Sale in Cornwall” and I advised him to visit them all to decide for himself. His name Geoff Douche! I thought it was a wind-up so I asked ‘Is that your real name’ and I included a picture of a douche alongside the copy email!

On Saturday at Mitchell this HUGE man came up to be and said “Are you Geoff”? To which I said ‘Yes that’s me what have I done wrong’ and he replied “I understand you have been taking the piss out of my name” I said ‘Have I, what’s your name then’
I am Geoff DOUCHE he roared! Oh Shit! Quick as a flash I said “I had a relative called that I thought he was the only Douche I would ever know, we used to call him Douche Bag” Anyway he was a nice bloke MAN MOUNTAIN who obviously had a great sense of humour and with a name like that he deserved it! He is on holiday in Cornwall.
Shit that was close; I must learn to shut my gob at times!

X

Reply to

In the post today!

To ,
Copy; Geoff Says
From: Michael Burns ()
Sent: 05 August 2012 14:31:38
To:
Cc:

This message looks suspicious to our SmartScreen filters.
Geoff,
I find your comment on Blue Badge very offensive, and arrogant, unless you are a qualified doctor the statement you submitted is boarding on discrimination.
Let me tell you why I find it necessary to park closer to the entrance ….
1. I had an operation on my spine in 2010, it has left me in a worse condition then before my opperation, as I could walk quite well, in fact walk around the boot-sale twice, now like last week I could only do about 6 rows then needing to go back to the car, and the weight of items bought also has an effect , even though it was only a small air pump and a fish tank ornament galleon ship!! My car was not near the entrance because of the week before and your staff, seem that they had the same views as you, and did not see why I needed to park towards the entrance, so I could not be bother with the hassle, it played on my mind when I knew I had to go back to the car. Perhaps if I was near the entrance I may of done a couple of more rows.
2. I use a stick, which I am very conscious of because of all the hype about the sick. I am on 20 tablets and morphine I suffer from server chronic pain, where I have major problems within walking, I fear I may need a aid such as a mobility scooter. I have lost my job, and I had worked all my life until I suffered an accident at work. I am 47
3. My wife and I love boot-sales but with the attitude with some organisers, I fear that I will be unable to leave the car if I am parked towards the opposite side of the field.
4. Your comment The only way to get better is to get out daily and get some good walking exercise which means getting out of your car! Its FREE to park and the 50 pence admission price for adults only does NOT give any person/s the rights to be offensive towards my team or myself! Park where we ask you to park or WALK from home dear!
“The only way to get better is to get out daily and get some good walking exercise” If only I could do that every day some days like today (and I won’t be at Mabe) and yesterday having to ring off duty doctor and staying into bed until 12, not being able to sleep last night due to the pain I am in. But you think the only way to get better is walk, while part of your statement is true, you do not have to be so flippant.
I am upset with your attitude and some of your, staff. In my opinion you need to offer an apology, I am aware that some people do play the system, but you cannot tar the same brush to the genuine disable people, if you saw a program on TV, it is only 3% that are not disable.
Annoyed
Mr Burns.

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A reply to Mr Burns

From:
Saved: 05 August 2012 17:28:54
To:

Mr Burns,

Thank you for your email which I may copy into our website.

I think you have over reacted to my comments regarding BLUE PASSES however you do seem to accept there is abuse of the system. For the record I have Cervical Spondulosis and I also attended Derriford Hospital to be told by the specialist he could do the operation however there could be a 30% chance of failure so I opted to go without the operation ‘stop the cocktail of tablets’ and take strenuous exercise instead which has been successful over many years however as with other people in the same predicament I do suffer immense pain but we all suffer in silence one way or another.

My comments were not guided at any person in particular for instance I do not know you so do not take it as a personal insult, however we do hear lots of moaners who do not get enough exercise and blame the rest of the world for their shortfalls.

I note that you have copied the BBC alleged ‘chat show’ I should point out that we have operated our Car Boot Sales since 1989 and over 350,000 men women and children’s visited our venues last year. We are proud of the COMMUNITY CAR BOOT SALES and the great recycling achieved in all areas which contributes greatly to the ENVIRONMENT in Cornwall widely spoken of in the South West and we have done this without REED and his ‘put down’ lines about Car Boots being ‘full of junk’ One man’s junk is another man’s pleasure! My comment to him ITS THE COMMUNITY STUPID!

We at CARBOOTSCORNWALL are proud of our reputation and you would be surprised at the amount of compliments we get for our website nearing over 500,000 visits.
For your information out of 875 Cars at MABE today 58 of them carried a BLUE PASSES, I wonder how many of them were genuine? I would draw your attention to the ps; comment which you seem to have overlooked Mr Burns!

Get well soon,

Regards,

Geoff Camden Wiles
www.carbootscornwall.co.uk

Reply to

Please do not arrive at our Car Boot Sales 40 minutes after the sale has started and expect preferential treatment because you will not get it! If you are disabled your doctor would be proud of you getting good walking exercise and fresh air to your lungs!

If you walked around our boot sale today to all of the stalls you will have walked a mile and a half! One arrogant lady today refused to listen to our staff drove to the top of the field to argue with me that she should be in the front row because she had a BLUE PASS! Not listening to reason I told her to park in the correct area and WALK! We watched her park in the correct place and then she stormed up to the top of the field unaided to complain to the boss about me!!

The only way to get better is to get out daily and get some good walking exercise which means getting out of your car! Its FREE to park and the 50 pence admission price for adults only does NOT give any person/s the rights to be offensive towards my team or myself! Park where we ask you to park or WALK from home dear!

ps; If you have a wheelchair disability we will get you as close to the action as possible.

Geoff

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Shoot to KILL!

You shoot-They DIE!

In 1997 Car Boots Cornwall had only three locations Falmouth, Truro and MABE so during the weekdays Lou and I used to work together in Dig & Delve our second hand shop in Swanpool Street just down the road from Trago’s and the busy Falmouth docks. Customers used to come from all over the world from the seamen and crews of ships from Russia and the Baltic States. The ships would remain at the docks for repairs and we were constantly offered wares from some of these hardnosed crews in particular the Ruskies who tried every way possible to sell us items what amounted to real junk, horrible fags and even worse tobacco. Around the corner in New Street was a TV and sound system repair shop, the management had it all their way until ‘Diggies’ opened and took a large slice of their business hence we were unpopular with them and where possible they would try to stir the shit in particular relating to ‘stolen gear’ The Police used to monitor all second hand shops, generally we had a reasonable working relationship with the local bobbies on the beat who would come to give us a list of stolen gear and look at our register of items bought in the shop.

In November 1997 there was a Russian Ship the ZODIAK which docked at Falmouth for repairs and the crew headed for the town centre to sell their wares and hopefully con the local shopkeepers. Two of these men went to the shop around the corner made a suggestion to the management who said ‘we are not interested go and see Geoff at Dig & Delve he will help you out’ the burly Ruskies arrived at our shop would not talk to Louise but said “We want to speak with that man” pointing at me! One of then said he wanted to get the 26” TV we had on display he did not have any money but offered me a pen wallet in exchange for the TV and a Kilo of Mercury. I asked him more about the pen wallet which he opened and produced what was identical to a silver Parker pen but heavier accompanied by another pouch which contained nine .22 bullets, he then unscrewed the pen got a bullet showing me where to put it into the James Bond style pen gun!
“So what do I want with a pen gun it would not be legal to own in this country” I asked and he said in perfect English ‘You have someone come into your house you don’t want them there so you load this you shoot-THEY DIE! I will give you this and the bullets and a Kilo of Mercury for that TV over there’ ‘No, no, no we cannot do that in this Country I would be put in prison’ and what would I want the Mercury for’? After what seemed like ages of the pleas to do a deal I refused telling the men not to allow the gun and Mercury get into the wrong hands as they left the shop.

I discussed the proposed deal with Lou and I was worried enough to tell the story by phone to the Police at Falmouth. Within minutes the sirens hailed their arrival and we gave descriptions of the Ruskies saying it looked as though they were either going back to ship or in TRAGO!
They asked if Louise would go with them to identify the men and she got into the Police car for a tour around the town centre ending up at Trago’s where they recruited some parking attendants to seal off the front and rear of the store while the search went on. Louise recognised the two men as they attempted to leave TRAGO they were arrested and taken back to the ship where the Police took possession of the gun and Mercury. One of the men Mr Ossiepenko (who had over £2000.00 on him when arrested) was charged with trying to sell the gun and Mercury was fined about £1000.00 for the offence. The pen gun was taken to Exeter by the police where it was loaded and tested under supervision and fired at a water melon, on impact the melon was blown to BITS! My real concern was if the gun had got into the wrong hands someone could have been seriously injured if not killed!

A few days later after Mr Ossiepenko had appeared in court he and about 8 other burly Ruskies were walking the other side of the street in Falmouth as I was returned from the bank they recognised me and pointed their hands like guns towards me saying BANG! BANG! I clenched my BUTT cheeks and walked on, thank god their bloody ship left the next day!

Ps; Mercury poisoning can KILL!!

Reply to

Gossip at Falmouth today!

Phyllis GIVEN the BIRD!
It was nice of posh Anne to have read my story about Phyllis and her dead budgie only to arrive at Fridays Car Boot Sale at Falmouth and notice a sign on an estate car ‘Good home wanted for a Budgie’ A quick word with the lady parting with the she bird said it had flown into her house one day obviously awaiting to be adopted by Phyllis. After the boot sale Lou went to collect the budge and delivered it to Phyllis who was absolutely thrilled to discover the beautiful blue plumage of the young thing and put is in its new home to share its life with our Phyllis, happiness all round and great company for each other! Thank you to posh Anne who has a habit of showing off her white bits to all and sundry and while I am on the subject will you stop calling me MIKE!

The WI is coming!
About 4 weeks ago I have a visit from the Women’s Institute branch at Budock Water and like all WI advance parties they need to suss out the joint to see what’s in it for them, they have charity status so they are able to sell for half price which is £3.00 and I assume all items they sell are donated and the organisers themselves make real homemade cakes and jams which are most tasteful! So they are certain to take good money! Today 4 ladies arrived with ONE car to set up and although these ladies are of good intention I do think that all of the WI groups we have given charity status over the years some of their members do look down upon our Car Boot Community as though they are a ‘cut above the rest of us’ their cakes might be but they aint!

Geoff

x

Reply to

I’m a part-time Journo!

You know the story of the ‘I’m a journalist’ poking his nose into our management in the way we deal with dogs locked in their cars with adequate ventilation. This part-time journo thought the dog was more important than the approximately 4000 people on site at our Mitchell Car Boot Sale demanding I call the emergency services Police-Fire and RSPCA and I told the man to go mind his own business.
I then find out the man works as a part-time BBC presenter and not to give him too much publicity I will call him Lorry! He invited me to talk on his radio show about this total non-incident and I must admit I was rude to Lorry in my refusal to attend his stuffy studio to talk a load of crap about ONE dog!

In all I have had about twelve different people mention this man’s show all very negative about Lorry and his attempt to discredit my business and the multi-multi thousands of customers whom I represent. Why does the BBC waste the licence payer’s money on local radio if the object of its presenters is to tell lies to listeners just for the sake of one man who likes to hear his own voice! If one (just one) of the comments were detrimental to Car Boots Cornwall I would have apologised without reservations but the overall opinion was summed up by one observer “His programme is a load of sh-te and nobody loves Lorry like Lorry loves Lorry”
One listener told me he is soo conceited he puts make-up on before going to present his RADIO show! Really!

Finally Lorry, when you prepare and dress yourself before your daily ego trip a word of advice. Don’t bother doing up the zip mate “DEAD BIRDS don’t fall out of NESTS”!

Geoff
Ps; I only listen to one person on BBC Radio Cornwall and that is Freddie ZAPP we have known him for years and NEVER a cross word WHY because he is a GENT and he doesn’t poke his nose. I personally think he has so much support his programme should be switched to lunchtimes 12 to 3.00pm!

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This is one to enjoy especially if you are a ghoarder and do not know which way to turn because you have piles and piles of possessions you are afraid to get rid of! CHABNNEL 4 can and will help why not consider giving them a call!
All details in the picture!

Geoff

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