Whatever next?

If it’s not complaints about dogs or blue passes or bloody push chairs the newest complaints are about sodding umbrellas! Today at MITCHELL we all knew we would be on a hiding to nothing because of the forecast of 40% chance of rain and I watch the clouds very carefully as 47 plucky sellers set out their stalls so I blew the horn early and minutes before the next shower arrived. As the crowd rushed in the sodding brollies were raised some were used as an extra weapon to get nearest to the bargains others to cover items being lifted (stolen) Some woman emptied her soaking wet umbrella down the back of Lou’s neck, she was not amused (I was) hilarious!! But it’s the spikes on the end of them that are so bloody dangerous and could easily howk you bleeding eyes out according to one old lady complainant and what dear Geoff are you going to do about BROLLIES?

And WTF dear old lady do you expect me to do BAN the BROLLIES FFS!! So now let’s get this right you want me to;

Ban dogs including the squitty shitty yappy crappy blasted barstid bum licking little rats on long leads with stupid affected owners at the other end of the leads FFS! (I want one)

Ban pushchairs which really mean lets ban kids as well (sounds good to me) there is nothing worse than to hear squalling little brats that are pissed off with their parents because they won’t buy the little brats something from the boot sale that costs sod all so the little horror lets the whole world know by screaming his head off and the bloody fag smoking parents could have saved us all from the bloody racket by giving the little sods exactly what they want when they want it in the first place!

Let’s ban disabled chairs and let’s ban BLUE DISABLED PASSES and yes let’s ban umbrellas!

Ok, so as most of the complainers are men so let’s ban them as well shall we?
There is a serious petition going on about DOGS ‘should they be allowed to go around the car boot lanes or not’ the voting is very close in favour of kicking them out by 50% and leaving them alone 50% For a small bribe I could fix this vote! However it is fair to say that most people couldn’t GAF!

Women only Car boot Sales yup I think I could cope with that very nicely thank you (I adore women) ishly, but who would carry everything back to the car and pay for all your purchases ladies? We are thinking of having a husband crèche for those miserable sods that keep moaning ‘where the fook is she FF sake’ and I enjoy saying “she’s having fun and enjoying herself leave her alone” then if they really get pissed off I wait for their wives to return and I tell the wife what a pain in the arse he has been complaining about you for the last 20 minutes and the wives believe my every word! Guaranteed conversation killer in the car on the way home for them.
I am so on your side ladies but if you look at their lost husbands miserable sodding faces whilst they wait for their wives, man if she’s that bad why wait?

I love dear old ladies in distress and one national treasure came to me in a very agitated state saying “I don’t suppose you have had a car key handed in I lost it 2 days ago and it would cost over £500.00 to replace” ‘Yes, I have it in my car with several others but this one I picked up myself so we will walk to the car to see if it is one you are looking for” I have known this old darling for many years and the relief on her face as I asked ‘is this the one’ “Oh I am so delighted I could kiss you” ‘Steady on darling, you know I am married man and someone might see, anyway I’ll tell you what I bet you are a super cook how about when you next bake yourself a cake you bring me a slice that would be lovely, I am sick of finding egg shell in my wife’s cakes.
My lady agrees to the deal and sure enough like a blind date she brings in not one slice but the whole cake and being the ungrateful sod I am I said “no that is far too much supposing I don’t like it”? The cake was a delicious coconut sponge and made to perfection and taste, I agreed to share ‘my cake’ with Lou to show her what I am looking for in a cake. But her curries are SUPERB! Hot stuff, well almost!

Happy wedding Anniversary darling, at least I remembered. XX GOTCHA!!

Ps; I saw the lady again at Mabe on Sunday as she was parking her car (frightening) and thanked her so much for the cake and it was delightful and Lou enjoyed it, I believe she ate more than me! My lady of whom I will call Flossie was so delighted at my compliments she said “I will make you another what sort would you like?” BINGO plan executed!!

I wonder what Marge’s cakes are like I know she often brings Dave the odd slice and he has really bucked up lately. They say that Rosie’s pasties are to die for, I certainly isn’t taking any chances with that reputation but he looks well on it!

Rumour has it that someone bought a very rare small dish at MABE recently for 20p and it has been sent to Bonham’s for auction and could go for up to £20,000 I tried to verify the rumour speaking with one of our very knowledgeable dealers and he confirmed the rumour however he added ‘The person who bought it obviously doesn’t want to broadcast his/her find for their own reasons’ “That sounds fair said I, so it was you”?