This is a true story and thank-you to all those compliments about Geoff Says…..Love you all.

You will remember the complaint letter I got from a Mr Burns about my offensive and arrogant manner (yup-that’s me) on the subject of Blue Passes he was most upset that I copied his email into my blog with my own comments. He demanded that I take the email out of our website and threatened me with legal action if I don’t (still waiting) however I have got to ask people not to send offensive email supporting me to someone who objects to anything I have said, they are entitled to an opinion likewise I am entitled to reply in my ‘offensive and arrogant manner’ please or offend!

On Friday fate took its hand in our own life it was as if GOD was paying me back for being an uncaring shit-bag. We got back from the Falmouth Car Boot as it was such a nice day Lou decided on a barbeque whilst I got the signs ready for a busy Saturday of 3 Car Boots Truro, Mitchell and Wadebridge.
Lou called to say the meal was ready and I joined her for the barbie to find she has trodden onto a roofing screw which went through her cork sandal piercing into her flesh which bled profusely almost re-staining the decking from dark brown to blood. Bloody charming I thought we get two days of decent weather and she’ll want to throw a sicky!
Lou is the absolute drama queen (trained by Mother) at the sight of blood especially hers and I knew immediately I was to become a doting butler whilst she lived out the next few days. I mopped up the floor and cleaned up her foot whilst she ate her meal (still eating-never stops) and the actual damage done to her foot was the size of a matchstick head! Its WIMP time again in the WILES household with the meal ruined (mine) I carried her into the house where she acted the complete ‘I am disabled’ person with a poorly foot. My reaction was “shall I apply for one of those BLUE PASSES dear” which was ignored. Shades of Mother-in-Law looks were thrown at me so I immediately came to the conclusion that not only has she lost her sense of humour and the use of her foot and probably both bloody legs by the morning won’t work lets blame Geoff! “Go for it Lou but I warn you are STILL working tomorrow” however I didn’t have the balls to say it out loud! “Can I help you get undressed dear or would you like a spoon full of ACETONE dear’ was met with an immediate ‘I am going to bed’ and with an Oscar performance she stumbled out of the room earning a 9 point six on the RICHTAR scale for overacting!

On Saturday morning I took breakfast to her in bed (still eating) I have to admit she looked a bit off colour so suggested before we go out ‘let’s try the foot out for a little exercise when you get up I thought a run hop along the corridor a couple of times might show us how bad it is’ which ended up hilarious as she screamed in agony as I ran her up and down much to the amusement of Nana Moon and yours truly! It had broken the stony face into forced laughter, sense of humour at last!

We got to Truro parking near the buyers and I watched Lou do her debut ‘I don’t know how to limp but how does this look’ as she hobbled from one foot to the other. The‘sympathy vote’ she had played for from all and sundry had worked “What have you done to your foot Lou” and “how did he do that to you Lou” then all the medical advice “Should get a tetanus” “Get it x-rayed Lou” and “Fancy him making you work, that’s disgusting” “He’s a heartless Barst” with Marge saying “ You take good care of her Geoff you are so lucky” So WHAT?
In the meantime I am looking around the stalls for a ZIMMER frame or a pair of crutches for a laugh but I could only find a regular lady seller who uses one crutch so I offered “If I will give you a £3.00 off voucher if I can borrow your crutch” to which her toffee nosed husband shouted “I beg your pardon you dirty old bugger” I grabbed the lady’s crutch offering it to Lou, her face suddenly turned into Queen Victoria’s “I am not effing amused” I am pleased I didn’t actually give it to her because I feel sure she would have given it back across my bleeding head!
The horn was blasted blasted for Truro to start and Lou joined the crowds looking for bargains the ‘limp’ suddenly and miraculously forgotten.

At Mitchell she became almost part of the advance party for the Paralympics as she heroically collected the rents telling all the sellers ‘How it happened’ by the time she had got to Wadebridge she had got the limp so disorganised she looked as though she was auditioning for I’m Jake the peg with my extra leg’ Deep down I admired the way in which she took the self inflicted pain trouble is she had no idea which leg to limp on. What amazes me is how many figging experts there are amongst our crowds as they try to add their bit of advice or they know of ‘someone who nearly died when they stood on a rake’ or ‘get it seen to before it has to be amputated dear’
Bottom line! She never CRIED once a minor miracle but she did manage to spend two and a half hours on Sunday briefing Mother (head office) of the drama not one word of credit for my efforts and devoted services to keep her alive and overfed only criticism of my warped sense of humour! I must get her supper after I have done the ironing; she says it hurts her foot standing (so sit down and iron dear) but when I offered her Sunday off she declined. At MABE she collected the rents and when the sale started was only able to look at 2 of the sellers aisles and then retire to the car knackered so I replaced her work with two bollards which I found to be more efficient!

Monday morning with the pain easing a mid-day appointment at the doctors and the tetanus injection advised by all and sundry did the trick! Back to the GOD bit Lou said “If GOD had done the job properly it would have been YOU that stood on the BLOODY nail” She has such a callous attitude at times but I love her-ish she is the best wife I have had so far! Still looking! On behalf of Lou thank you to all those who asked how she was, please no more ‘get well cards’ I am in enough trouble already! She is a real love it makes her the centre attention of my life perhaps when she reads this and two next stories she may change her mind!
FOOTNOTE; I know it is not fun being disabled but some people do over dramatise their disabilities and lack the sense of humour needed about their inactivity so it ends up with someone else getting the blame, in our household it’s always ME!
You have one life! Live it!!
Geoff

2 Pictures;
When she sees the OSCAR I could be in trouble!
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