We know the majority of our customers appreciate the efforts our teams make to ensure the smooth running of our Car Boot Sales so with trepidation we arrived for the first Car Boot of the day knowing full well that the forecast is going against us at some time during the day and it’s going to rain and it’s all going to be OUR fault! Over 40 sellers arrived to sell at Truro where we had decided to hold the event on the front fields. Sellers are shown to their selling spaces at precisely 8.30am which has been the system for many years and this jumped up little twerp of an excuse of a man we shall call Mr Hideous Shorts (which reminded me of my second mother in laws dreadful curtains from the 70s) comes up to demand ‘what is the holdup’ and I explain it is an 8.30 start but of course he knows better and starts quoting from our website which I personally take pride in updating daily saying ‘it says on your website it starts at 8.00am’ The runty man makes a real fool of himself in front of the regular buyers and queuing sellers who all knew the procedures, to make absolutely sure my facts were right I asked Rachel and my grandson Aaron to check on the Internet on their mobiles to look at my website to ensure my facts were right and Mr know-all Hideous Shorts was wrong, wrong and wrong again the SMF!

I parked up the sellers at precisely 8.30am parking him nearest the gate when he gets our his mobile almost shoving it into my face quoting from completely another website which ghosts our information and of course the information is wrong, wrong, wrong! Then the Pillock tells me he is going to Wadebridge later and is going to complain about me to the boss of Car Boots Cornwall because ‘I know him personally’ he claims! I look at his stall which quite honestly looked full of toot so as a putdown line I said “I wouldn’t go there if I were you Wadebridge doesn’t buy that sort of CRAP” Bingo that really got him going!! Next I blow the horn to start the sale and guess what? All of the sellers and I do mean around 200 in the first rush rushed past his stall and didn’t even look at his stall!

What goes around comes around my lovers but he was not contented with my advice he decides to go to Wadebridge and whinges on to our steward from the Rotary Club who helps us parking that he needs more time to set up his stall so he needs to ‘go in early’ and lo and behold the Rotary man parks him in the worst space in the entire field and when the sale starts again he was given a complete lack of interest in his stall by another set of buyers! I have such a soft spot for idiots like this it is called a sewerage farm but that was just the start of the day so join me in the ‘main event of the day MITCHELL where nothing was more guaranteed than it would rain VERY HEAVILLY at some part of the afternoon and of course it would be all our fault!

Timed to absolute perfection I parked up just over 120 sellers with my team whilst hundreds of buyers waited and ten minutes before the sale was about to start I took my hat off to mop my brow when I felt spots of rain! (Bald headed men always feel the rain first) Oh shit! Without further ado I did fire the horn to start the sale and the crowds did rush in and within minutes the heavens did open and did piss down very heavily on the assembled crowds and lo and behold I did piss myself laughing my lovers! You should have seen the pandemonium at the sight of a drop of rain, men were deserting their wives and rushing back to their cars, kids were crying, wives were getting blamed sellers were shoving stuff back into their boots, our staff donned their waterproof hi-visibilities jackets and we watched helpless as the scene unfolded! Some of the real dealers saw this as a great opportunity to buy some real bargains but everyone was rushing about as though a tsunami had occurred in typical British fashion ‘Lets’ all act like idiots shall we’? People’s clothing was getting absolutely soaked through to the skin as blokes wearing T Shirts were now showing ‘see thru T shirts with some men displaying erect freezing and hardened nipples (very sexy) most of them with beer bellies but they were looking at me as though it was entirely my fault, so they left the sale to head back home where it was probably pissing down there as well!

And then the unbelievable happened! A lovely lady of about 28 mother of three kids had come to the Boot Sale with her mother in law when she came to the me and said “I am in real trouble I have locked my keys in the car and my mobile is on the seat and I cannot get in because all the doors are locked” This happens at least once a week but in this ladies case she did not know her husband’s phone number so Rachel spent ages on her phone trying to locate the husband eventually tracking him down to a pub! The lady was given the phone when she explained to the husband what had happened asking him to bring or send the duplicate key to her and the absolute bastard said ‘That’s your fucking problem and slammed the phone down on her’ I followed her to the car where his mother was standing at the stall drenched and we told her what had happened and mother admitted her son was ‘an absolute shit’!! What wonderful divorce evidence I mused!

Determined to help the lady in such distress I called Ian to ask him to assist with the problem and within minutes he had managed to prize the door ajar whilst putting in a length of wire to lift the catch securing the locked door and BINGO the car was open! We normally have some pretty rotten incidents but this one beat the lot! I am not lost for words but to think this young lady and her mother in law had come to the boot sale to raise money to spend on her three children in the pouring rain whilst her rat-faced husband gets pissed in a pub is beyond belief, may he also rot in the same sewerage farm as Mr Hideous Shorts!!

During this ordeal only 40 stalls remained with the hardened and determined sellers well supported with ‘free admission buyers’ So I proudly walked around the remaining stalls giving the sellers a £3.00 off voucher for their next Car Boot. The sale started at 1.00pm and the field was deserted by 3.15pm if you were there it was adventurous but it amazes me the antics we Brits get up to when there is a dash of rain with loads of you treating it like ‘the end of the world’ You bunch of nutters, if the cap fits wear it!!

I have already referred to Wadebridge however when Lou arrived the main part of the Showground had been taken over by the American God Squad Creation Fest who do not approve of Car Boot Sales despite Lou telling them there WAS definitely a Car Boot Sale on! Whilst she continued to organise the sellers the stupid organisers of the Creation Fest went around to all of our directional signs and covered them with black bin liners and others were thrown into the hedges, their reasoning for this was last year we put our signs on display and most of the visitors came away from their bible pumping American hosts to enjoy and spend money on our Car Boot Sale where sellers recorded fantastic takings! Thou shalt not deprive the people of our blessed Cornwall the rights to attend our open air Church of CAR BOOTS CORNWALL my lovers!

And finally, as a gesture of GOODWILL I arranged to have leaflets printed that allowed sellers at our 5.00pm Newquay Car Boot Sale to sell at the stunning reduced price of only ONE POUND providing they brought the leaflet with them which we thought was a charitable gesture. Our lovely Rachel went around collecting the rents, as customers know we give registered charities half price stalls and Rachel was absolutely STUNNED when one stall offered only 50pence claiming they were a registered charity! Well there is no harm in trying but that is what I call a bloody cheek and so did Rachel who felt like getting the full selling price of six quid for the cheek! And finally, finally we had a complaint about a lady who was drunk on her stall and was drinking cans of CIDER whilst selling but why wait till after the lady had gone? Thou shalt not drink spirits or beer or cider at any of our events otherwise I shall involve the Police!! But I did end up the day laughing as one mother Sylvia had her 3 year old son helping her sell and mummy sold some of the lads toys and the lad went mad with the buyer screaming “no mummy you can’t sell my toys mummy” so he ends up having a fight with the purchaser trying to grab back the toys that had just been paid for. The little brat but then what a rotten Mummy (I would have sold the kid as well)
What a lovely day it was, home for a shower!

Geoff

X