That BRAND NEW shirt!
Most of you know the amazing bargains you can buy at our Car Boot Sales at all locations and at the beginning of the year Lou was smug that she had bought me a BRAND NEW turquoise blue and white check shirt my size for only a quid! I wasn’t delighted with it but thanked her for thinking about me ‘what more praise could she need’? I became suspicious as we had an agreement NO presents to each other for Birthdays, Christmas or Anniversaries simply because I could go and buy something brand new for say fifty quids and see the same next day on sale at one my Car Boots for as little as a fiver! The shirt was consigned to the drawer for summer time. Lou was forever eager for me to ‘try on that shirt I bought you-you never appreciate things I buy for you’ natter-natter yadder-yadder! Yes dear I will wear it tomorrow!

On the 31st of March we had a great weekend with decent weather, so busy on the Saturday that Lou had left signs at Truro and we needed them for MABE the following day. Lou had prepared the shirt for me to wear praising ‘how good I looked’ which is most unusual to get compliments from her I thought as we headed out to get the signs.
On the way back Lou said we needed a loaf of bread and some milk so would I call quickly into Tesco’s to get them. I hate Tesco’s and knew there would be ‘words’ between us if she asked me to go into the store so with a bit of sulking on her behalf I got out of the car took off my high visibility jacket and stormed into the store to the words ringing in my ears ‘Nice shirt Darling ‘my reply G F Y!

Because of my job dealing with multi thousands of people I am well known which really pisses my off when I am shopping so I was not surprised when some of the staff spoke with me like I was an old friend. At the bread counter two staff asked how I was and on my way to the check-out a customer asked me where they could find tinned celery? I put my 4 purchases at the checkout to a very nice cashier who talked like I was a long lost friend non-stop putting the items into a carrier bag for me and asking for my ‘discount card’.
‘I don’t have a discount card should I have’? “Well yes” said the young lady “All of our staff do and as you have a staff shirt on I thought you would have your card” I looked down at my shirt then the checkout staff and the floor staff they were all wearing the same bloody shirt as me “Oh my GOD my wife bought this brand new at one of my Car Boot Sales for a quid” I explained, she had been so keen for me to wear it today and the penny suddenly dropped it was APRIL FOOLS DAY! Hah ficking Hah!
My embarrassment and humiliation was complete! I could feel my face overheating with disbelief and panic; I paid for the goods and crept silently out of the store stunned, friendless pissed off and near to tears without laughter! ‘Right, where is the BIATCH’
There she was sitting in the passenger’s seat showing me a very crude two finger salute gloating smug and satisfied having made such an idiot out of me ‘a senior citizen’ with a large APRIL FOOL board fixed behind the wiper on my side of the car! “How could you do that to me humiliating me in Tesco of all places, how could you do that to an old man”? I pretended my heart was giving out in shock and nerves which made her Hyena laugh return but her gloating was endless. She was ecstatic with her wind up ‘I must tell Mother’ how very bloody funny it all was I don’t think, she then confessed as soon as she saw the shirt at Newquay and was told it was a Tesco staff shirt in’ Geoff’s size’ and for a quid she thought it a great idea to play and plan this crude and embarrassing wind-up! I cannot understand why I deserve this sort of callous treatment! The BIATCH!!

I have got to admit this was a calculated and premeditated April the First well planned con trick and I fell for it hook, line and sinker. Congratulations Lou! Believe me this is only lent my dear 4th wife (so far) Warning! Gloves are off its bare knuckle’ guns or knives’ from now on! I will next tell my avid readers of the time you put me in TWO hospitals in one day dearest and then…………….?
Love you Lou. Well, that’s probably taking a bit too far but I do like you, ish!
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