The tourist have arrived the insults and the ‘dog fights’ begin!

Following a very busy Bank Holiday Monday at Truro with over 150 sellers and some stunning BARGAINS we thought that Newquay Car Boot Sale would be a doddle compared to Sunday. Many of you will know that there is a Fun Fair who are using a large amount of the lower field so as it was a nice day and with lots of people around the Car Parking was restricted so we had to stand on the gate once all the Car Park was full and wave potential customers away. The road was steaming with traffic the sun was belting down and the ‘tourist holiday-makers’ (who come on the cheap weeks) were in no fettle to be told “Sorry the Car Park is FULL”

I was busy parking up to 300 buyers cars in the selling fields and the moans and groans started with those blasted bloody bleeding BLUE BADGE holders flashing the badge and pleading “I am disabled and I want to be near to the sale” With the greatest of respect to these BLUE pass holders from up-country they seem to be given out like confetti or people are photo-copying them in the guest houses or summit similar FFS! “Madam, you are in the selling field, I can’t get you any closer otherwise you will end up in someone’s boot” then her old man has a go at me for being rude I wasn’t rude I was just stating the obvious you old fart, but what these people do not realize is that they are holding up the traffic by trying to start a senseless argument over sweet FA!
Then you see the ‘walking wounded’ with their pretending limps and no idea which leg to limp on with a walking stick. We had 17 lost walking sticks last year and most of the owners forgot they had even owned one in the first place, bloody drama queens, then there are the Zimmer frame walkers and we get loads of complaints about them and WTF do you expect me to do about it I just don’t know?

We have one regular old Biddy who drives to the Car Boot gets out her wheelchair firstly checking the portable toilets and reporting her findings to any member of staff then she wheels her chair around the stalls and ‘yes’ we do get complaints about her taking up so much space in the aisles.

Get out of your car and WALK the exercise will do you good and you could LIVE LONGER and you can tell your doctor what a heartless bastard I am for not parking you right in the middle of the effing boot sale. Now then, if you are disabled and you need wheelchair access wherever possible we will get you ‘closer to the action’ however if you arrive after the Car Boot has started it is difficult to expect the same promise.

At one o’clock I get summoned to the front gate and have to make the decision not to allow any further cars into the grounds in the interest of PUBLIC SAFETY. 4 of us are standing there waving all traffic away from the entrance but still some people would not accept WE ARE FULL stopping their car (and holding up the traffic) to discuss with us ‘Why is there no space for me’ and we say “Move on please you are holding up the traffic” but they still witter on departing the scene with some rude expression which seemed to be all aimed at me FFS “You’re a WANKER, You’re a TOSSER, You’re an effing B’stard, Go and Fupp yourself, You’re a bald-headed old TWAT were some of the milder expressions which amused the other lads on the gate working with me! Another car tries to pull in and the driver was a beautiful young lady and I said “I am sorry my love we are full” ‘Not even space for me’ “No sorry Darling” and she replied loud enough for the lads to hear ‘You BIG KNOB’ and I looked down to my luncheon box to make sure my zip wasn’t open and things hadn’t fallen out I said to her “How do you know, have you been looking” and she drove off. Now then,our Paul couldn’t believe what he had heard and later told my missus “Hey, guess what, some woman called Geoff “You BIG KNOB” and she replied “I know he is always flashing it around” That is a total lie the BIG KNOB bit is correct but I do not ‘flash it around’ any more because of the genuine threat that ‘If you were to do that to me I will cut the bugger off when you are asleep’ Memories, memories will have to suffice.

Whilst all of the drama at the gate is going on Louise is in charge of the selling field with up to 2000 men women and kids and buyers and sellers when in walks this man with TWO large French Mastiff dogs and one of then took an instant dislike to a Rottweiler who was sitting on the grass with its owners minding its own business. Suddenly the ‘nasty attitude’ Mastiff ran toward the Rottweiler (dragging its owner who fell arse over tit) grabbing the Rottweiler round the throat with screams from several kids and women! Ok the incident was over quickly but the missus owner of the aggressive French Mastiff and the other Mastiff (who couldn’t GAF what was going on) was told by Lou “Do not bring those dogs” here again and the owner could not understand why!!
Then we have two lots of 4 stupid widgy farty squidgy little ugly face rats on the end of leads’ (I want one) being paraded around the stalls as though we are running a pigging Dog Show as well as the Fair and the Car Boot Sale and to cap it all some old Fartess tells me all about her painful piles FFS “That’s why you never see me sitting down” (the mind boggles) and NO it wasn’t Phyllis my lovers who by the way totally enjoyed my article about Gods waiting room but her mate Nurse Gladys’ Emmanuel thought “I was a rude old sod” better being a rude old sod than an ‘ugly one’ my lover? ‘Oh, and he can be so offensive at times’ Yup, that’s me!

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