You will all know that we start each Car Boot Sale by blasting a horn at the advertised start times and as soon as the HORN goes off the rushing and running into the sale from hundreds of buyers is a sight worth seeing but then you get the moaners who can’t run complaining “Look at them just like vultures” ‘no they are not they are looking for BARGAINS’ but the stupidity is they don’t know where TF they are running to or where TF the bargains are as they frantically look for something to ‘shove on eBay’ within the next couple of hours or so! But from my experience of watching buyers in a rush-run they are quite often the losers. It seems it is always the quiet ‘take your time’ buyers who are the winners.

Our Marge and Rita and Sylvia and Betty are the perfect example as they go quietly in different directions from stall to stall looking for collectables or just something for the house or the family. Over the years these lovely ladies along with hundreds and thousands of other similar buyers have bought some amazing and stunning bargains and being nice to all concerned and not bartering too heavy and paying reasonable and realistic prices for their purchases. These customers are the backbone to the success of Car Boot Sales which make it such an attraction to our annual holiday makers who come annually to Cornwall and who spend lots of money at our sales.

Market Traders are well received and display great bargains for whoever wants to buy them but some of these traders arrive, set up their stall, serve a few customers take a couple hundred quids and drive off leaving girt great gaps in the sellers lines which is hugely disrespectful to the genuine car boot sellers. Much to the dismay of a couple of traders who were seriously pissed off as I have introduced a minimum 2 hour stay period but the majority were delighted with the new ruling.

Big Steve the Rock Man actually complimented me on the idea saying I was a ‘gent for looking after us pensioners. What utter sarcasm! Anyway a customer asked me if Steve was gay. He certainly is not he is always advertising for a lady up to 90 years of age who likes a bit of his rock now and then (and then again) but she must ‘have her own tractor’ FFS! The reason the person asked me is because Steve has signs on his windscreen STEVE and BRUNO. No my lover, Bruno is his pigging yapping crapping papping stupid mutt of a male excuse for a miniature pedigree dog. The dammed thing was under Steve’s table yesterday yapping away resulting in yet more complaints from Hyacinth Bouquet who told me ‘Steve has got a water pistol which he shoots at Bruno when he barks and it stops him straight away’ “No it doesn’t the bloody thing is still yapping, he should try sand, that works”

My mate Chalawa from St Kitts has ‘somewhere in the bush’ a Cannabis Plantation where he employs 3 ‘banned’ Pit Bull dogs that are big and ugly bastards required at all times ‘don’t effing bark’ to protect The Herb from intruders and monkeys. These dogs were gruesome buggers and you could see the war wounds on their faces but when all three take a liking to a ‘white man’ it is not a pleasant experience I can assure you. Chalawa and his sons laugh as I plead with them ‘take the ugly bastards off me please Chalawa FFS, he say “They like you man, dem never tasted white meat before man” one more puff on his giant spliff it seems I am seriously ‘on my own and I dare not poop my pants in case that turns the hounds on even more FFS!! Anyway the way he trains them ‘don’t effing bark’ is to throw sand in their eyes and they soon shut up. So would I, it would be like the pepper sprays the Police use only 10 times worse getting all that gritty sand off your eyeballs FFS!

Life is a beach-and then you marry one?