Let’s all go to Tunisia shall we?

Lou and I had a one week holiday last year to discover Malta staying in a fantastic hotel The Hilton for half board and half price what a bargain! It was a great holiday the Maltesers love the English so let’s try another country. Wishing for a similar experience and to celebrate our 25 plus years together CBC celebrates 25 years soon and it was my birthday so we booked for Tunisia for the same deal. I dealt with booking the holiday through the Internet where you can seriously save big money but the big difference on this holiday was that the treat was on Lou, a very rare occasion indeed! This also meant I would have to be on my best behaviour so to achieve this I gave her all the documents weeks in advance to check out and supervise our travel arrangements and times.
She organised with Mother in Law to come for a week’s holiday and that we would see our way to the Airport which was ideal for me as I don’t like to meet her too much (still after a dowry) some of our mice and rats had overheard Lou making the plans and had started packing their cases to move out! Guess what! Mrs ‘I am so perfect’ Louise had got us travelling on the Tuesday whereas we should have been travelling on the Monday and just arriving outside in the drive outside was mother and father in law who both looked their age! I say hello to them they go into the house to chat to Lou whilst I am forced to roll up ‘I can’t cope my mum in law is here’ Seconds later Lou bursts into my office and says we have just lost the flight to Gatwick. She was panic stricken, so was I at the thought of spending a week with her mum and ….oh never mind! Within 20 minutes we were packed and in father in laws and Mother-in-laws car heading for Truro Railway Station (I am such a two faced smarmy bastard at times)

We say our goodbyes and have a fantastic train journey change at Reading for Gatwick Airport and straight to the Premier Inn where we had booked one of their special BARGAIN rooms on the Internet for nineteen quids. We did not blame each other for getting the dates wrong, nope we are going to have a nice holiday paid for and ‘jinxed’ by Lou, stupid moo!
I had kept watching the news about Tunisia, in 2010 a market trader had his worldly possessions and his livelihood taken away by the police and he was fined into the bargain! So distressed was the young man that he set himself on fire which caused riots lasting days with street protests and curfews followed by a revolution. I read that there were still unofficial protests road blocks and petitions so we decided to cancel the hire car in the interest of our own safety.
We were surprised that the 3 hour flight was only one third full loads of room to spread out! On arriving at Tunis Airport we had been told to expect an extremely modern arrivals lounge which operated in a very professional way with a very much laid back attitude to our Gatwick but it works with politeness and happy staff who unfortunately work in SMOG conditions as unlike most International Airports they allow smoking in Tunis Airport apart from that first impressions are good.
We were met by the hotels taxi a grotty old saloon that would not get past our MOTs that stank of local fags but the driver was ok waved on and recognised at the armed Police check points, he told us about the uncertainty with peace in Tunisia but assured us that we are going to the very best hotel in Tunisia!

The hotel looked absolutely stunning as 5 staff came to greet us with hot herbal tea & equally hot flannels whilst out suitcases were whisked away to our ‘free upgraded room’ WOW! Where is everyone? There is no-one else around just staff & us! We unpack and prepare for the evening meal in one of the hotel restaurants to be met by a team of 4 white gloved flunky waiters who show us to our ‘reserved table’ and give us the menu whilst someone else fills your glass with water. A bit too over the top for me but quite nice until I ask ‘Can I see the wine and drinks menu please’ “No Sir, we do not sell any alcoholic drinks in the hotel we are not licensed” and then the penny dropped of course not this is a Muslim country and they don’t do drink and who booked the hotel me of course ‘Oh shit’ and she does love her pints she could get quite nasty without her drink but she is even nastier with it and by the look of the menu we could lose some weight here as well this week!

The head waiter constantly said ‘hat your service sir’ to our polite ‘thank you’ when we ordered the meal I asked ‘Where is everyone’ here we are in a five star hotel and no other guests are in the restaurant why! “You are the only guests in the hotel for 3 days then more will come” So let’s get this right we have the whole hotel to ourselves for 3 days and about 35 staff is the food really that bad? “Yes Sir, hat your service sir”
Next morning ‘hat your service’ (6 waiters) at breakfast I asked for bacon & eggs which caused stunned silence, me and my big gob, they don’t do PIG in the Muslim countries do they so I settled for two fried eggs. Other waiters trouped out to deliver to the table a plate of cold meats & cheeses another plate of freshly made cakes & croissants, bottles of water, fresh orange juices, pot’s of coffee, Yoghurts, a plate of various homemade breads toasted 12 slices in all, pancakes with a la chocolate for Lou (still eating) and a bloody great plate full of fresh home grown fruit apples oranges figs and dates, butters and a variety of jams marmalades not to mention my fried eggs the lot for two people! That’s Crazy and the first time ever I have seen Lou leave a table so laden with food (wish I had brought a carrier bag for the midnight munchies)
The head waiter ‘hat your service’ suggested we should see the entire hotel particularly as we had it to ourselves, so the pictures included here are genuine and show no other guests apart from ourselves. Our first venture was to the Spa and leisure pool which featured weights and training rooms, Lou was in her element with sauna and steam rooms all done in the best possible tastes dears.
To walk down the steps into a spa full of bath hot water for the first time is a truly amazing experience the effect reaches all parts of your body and beyond probably better than a climax my lovers! The beautiful 3 lady team of the spa offered us the services of over 100 tiny fish where you dangle your feet into their fish tank and they nibble away at your feet biting off dead skin! Charming but not for me dear, you never know whose feet they have previously been nibbling do you? One of the delightful ladies offered me a full body massage for 30 quid overheard by Lou. Amen to that idea then!
By day three the food was getting into our systems and visits to the loo were becoming more frequent than usual to put it bluntly it was official we had the Tunisian squits! (Which is a running joke?) Are they putting laxatives into the homemade soup I wonder whatever we are both losing weight? The menu was ok but seriously rich sauces and overcooked vegetables spoiled the meal although Lou skipped the main course to over indulge on the sweets and deserts (puddings to us) I asked for cheese and biscuits which was so over laden with extra’s but the cheeses were yuck! What no Cheddar? We are so busting for a drink, dare I try to buy some and hide it under the table ‘no that would be disrespectful to their stupid traditions dear. Goodnight’
We decided to venture to see the world outside the security conscious electric main gates to the beach which was the most filthy rotten deserted beach we have ever seen and would be a disgrace to any country in the world, in the distance we could see a beach camel and its owner in no time they descended upon us with the owner demanding we ‘get on the camel’ for a ride! The ugly looking beast was snorting and snotting and dribbling all over the place (no not Lou) with the man riding the camel almost into our faces! No, no and no again we do not want to get onto the bleeding Camel.
Unusual for me I did not resort to cursing and cussing eventually the disgruntled man finally got the message and buggered off, as he departed on the left side so shortly after another man on the right arrived with two painfully thin ponies offering us ‘a ride on the beach’ with the same offensive demanding manner. The entire beach was littered with debris and rubbish from broken down catering buildings to broken glasses, builder’s rubble, roofing tiles, Tesco carrier bags, bottles and poo from the camel’s, ponies, horses and dogs and humans! From the state of the beaches and surrounding roads and closed down apartment blocks this country is unloved, where is the pride in not keeping their beaches and roads clean and tidy? Outside one of the broken down buildings there seemed a meeting of about 20 men who tried to beckon us to their gathering Lou decided ‘let’s go please I don’t feel safe’ As we were leaving the beach we watched the same man and camel approach what we assumed a single parent and her vastly overweight 11 year old daughter who reminded me of my granddaughter who at the same age was a right ‘fat little fart’ who ate up all her food and someone else’s? The man had pressurised Mother so much that it was decided little Miss Fatso would ride the camel. The beast got down on its knees as she was lifted on by mum and the man. Eventually they lodged her into place between the two humps, when the camel got up it threw her from side to side front to back as she screamed and screamed until she was sick all over her shredded wheat hair style and the camel’s front hump and a bit spare for the man! “Stop it, I want to get off” she screamed time and again! We thought it was hilarious but maybe Mother was trying to teach her a lesson, who knows-who cares! We saw them again later and the poor little moo was still sobbing! Hah bloody hah!(for the record my grand-daughter has lost weight and is quite pretty now from a distance)
We decided to head for the main road and got a real culture shock. Men appeared running from shops from the other side of the road with trays of crap jewellery and local crafts that would not sell at any of our car boot sales for 20p a time but they were so rudely persistent that we ‘lookee lookee’ or ‘have a butchers’ or ‘shoofty-shoofty’ as they followed trying to divert us into their shops. To say NO only added insult to injury, within 20 minutes we had been touted over 30 times before we fled the road to go back to the hotel and the Loo! I do not know what they were saying in their curses for us not buying but I expect it was similar to what we Brits say G F Y! My wife says it to me all the time however my name is Geoffrey and Lou abbreviates it to GFY which she thinks its funny and I think is a callous attitude. Lou = Loo, enough said! Most of the blokes seem to have beards and some sort of hair designer’s stubble and whiskers, great for the women’s complexions, no wonder they wear full face scarves. Confucius he say; “Man should never grow on your face what grows up your bum for nothing, velly velly unhygienic” Hah! I once said that to a fully bearded member of staff and it offended him so much the following day he arrived totally clean shaven see! I think there were comments about me not having much hair but I explained most of my hair has been spread on women’s headboards over the years from St Kitts to St Piran’s. Bloody foreigners they could not understand WTF I was saying.

Part TWO is WEDNESDAY at 12.00 ish!

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